I would just like to say hello to my new follower, Caitycat66. I love getting new followers and learning what it is that made them interested in my blog. (:
So, if you're feeling up for it, there's a lovely comment box at the bottom of this page that would love your input. (: Buut, no pressure!

I really need to rant here for a second. So this paragraph will probably just be a jumble of words. If you wish, skip to the next paragraph. Ignore my pettiness. I won't mind.
K makes yet another appearance on my blog. I have English with her every day, and what do you know, we get paired right next to each other. So she walked into the room at the start of class, and the first thing I notice is that her legs are perfect. Like... I think she's lost weight. And I haven't. Fuck me. But not only that, the first thing she says to one of her friends is "I can't let (the security guard here) see me, he always picks on my wardrobe.". For no reason in particular, this pissed me off. So what did I spend the rest of the class doing when I should have been writing my essay? Watching her out of the corner of my eye. Seeing how perfect her legs are, how she's curvy but yet still skinny, how she was way too pretty to ever be my friend in the first place. Comparing her to me. She easily won in every category. Better legs, better stomach, better shape, prettier. She can wear shorts. She doesn't have to worry about people seeing her cuts and judging her. Or about scars on her body. She's PERFECT. I'd give anything to look like her. To look like anyone but me. She has the perfect body. I do not. Simple.

Otherwise, my day has started off kinda okay. I got a few job applications the other day, so hopefully I can get a job somewhere. I really need to start working. I was supposed to be fasting today, but I gave into a little craving. Not much, I promise. I should be able to burn it all of, easy. But no more food.
Everyone I know is either disappearing, choosing recovery, or going somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for those of you that are recovering from your ED, or getting help, or if you're finding some way to be okay. I'm so happy for you.
But it's made me realize just how alone I am in this. Sure, there might be people that are going through it too, and they might be there to talk to, but not forever. They're going to leave, to move on with their lives. Which is fine. But I need to prepare myself for that, and not get so attached. I need to stop depending on other people. So, with that being said, here goes my journey to that. To closing myself off from people again. I will do this, there is not going to ever be another time. I am going to succeed in being on my own, being strong for myself. I don't need other people.

In other news, I'm grounded for two weeks. Basically, I have to have all 6 of my teachers sign a piece of paper saying I was in class. Every day. I feel like a delinquent. Which I'm really not. And I'm terrified of how much lying I'll have to do in a few weeks. Right now, after everything, I just don't feel like telling the truth is an option. Outside of this blog, I lie so much that sometimes even I forget what the truth may be. I start to believe the lies. I feel sick. Like I am going to puke, just because of the anticipation of the confrontation that is going to happen in a few weeks. 3 weeks feels like SO long to get through, but I just need to do it. One day at a time. I have to. My entire future could be lost in the next 3 weeks. Or it can be made. It's quite a terrifying prospect.

2 nights ago, I went to my grandpa's. just because I wanted to breathe. I wanted a break. Despite being grounded. My dad called me up and started yelling at me because I was supposed to be home and he'd left his key on the counter, which meant that he was locked out. As I was leaving, my grandma started yelling at me. I jumped on her, because I just couldn't take it. I explained to her that I have been trying in school, trying to get my grades up. Only Chem, really. I studied for the last test we had more than I've ever studied for anything, and I still got a D. I did all the worksheets, thought that I actually understood it, and I still barely passed that test. My current average in that class test-wise is a 45%. So what does that say? My only hope for passing that class is the final. If I can get at least a B or a C on the final, I'll pass that class. otherwise, I'll be seeing it in Summer school. Which basically means that my life is over.
Anyways, so I got home and my dad started yelling at me. I can't even remember what he was yelling about, because at that point, I just shut off. It's like a stranger took over. I ran into my room, slammed the door, and  then heard my dad yell that I was just like my mom. I so badly needed to hit something, but I'm really not a violent person. So I started punching my bed. Which my dad added to the fight. So I started punching myself. When I realized that I couldn't hit hard enough, I started looking for either of my blades. Go figure, I couldn't find either of them. It felt like someone was literally ripping out my heart, my insides. Slowly, and painfully. The pain, real or imagined, took my breath away. I remember laying on the floor, curled in a ball trying to hold myself together. Literally. It felt like if I let go, then I was going to break into so many pieces and not be able to be put back together.
I remember wishing I had a gun. I didn't have enough physical strength to cut deep enough to die, and not enough pills.Otherwise, I would have done it. But I didn't have a gun, so here I am. Eventually, I remembered that I had my pocket knife. I normally hesitate upon using it, although I'm not sure why. But this pain, it was like it was going to overwhelm me, and if it did, then I know that I wouldn't have been able to come back. Whatever was left of me would have disappeared. So I made a single cut across my thigh. Deeper than I should have, and for a while I thought I'd need stitches. But I didn't. When that wasn't enough, I made another one across my ribs. So not the best idea I've ever had. But it worked. The internal pain was gone, and I could deal with my cuts.
Yeah, I'm an idiot, I know. But when it comes to things like that, I have no control. Every sense of care goes out the window, and there's nothing but me and the blade. I need to find another way to cope.

Since then, I've just been so emotionally exhausted, that I don't even have the energy to talk to people. I'm literally just sitting in my classes, going through the motions, but I'm not really here. I'm not present. I'm scared of what'll happen in a few weeks. I'm also trying my hardest to prevent it. Pass my classes, not flunk. If only I can do it. I guess we'll find out.

I also talked to Cimiron. Which was complicated, and confusing. I don't have the energy nor time to write about that right now, so I'll save that for another post.
But that was my weekend.
I hope everyone had a better weekend than I did. (:
Happy Monday!