The Fallout

Before I get into what happened when I got home, I just need to say one thing.
I knew it was going to happen and I knew that he was going to be a fucking asshole. But I didn't expect him to be that harsh. That hurt even me.

So here goes.

My brother offered yesterday to face my dad with me, as I didn't want to do it alone. I was terrified of him. But my brother wasn't able to stay. So I got home about 3:30pm, and my dad got home about 9pm. Which gave me about 5 1/2 hours to think. Worst idea ever. Anyways, when he got home, I was in my room. I didn't want to confront him first, but it turns out that I didn't have to. He came into my room and the only thing he said was, "I hope you got the attention you wanted." and when I tried to tell him that I didn't do it for attention, he turned around and slammed the door. I followed him into the living room, and I told him that if I wanted attention, there are so many other things I could do to get it and that I wouldn't be cutting for attention.
He looked at me and just said that if I wanted to scar my skin up like that, go right ahead, because he didn't care. Oh, and he said that if Social Services gets involved, it's my problem, not his. Thanks, dad.
He started unloading his truck then, and I followed him. I wasn't going to let him just blow me off like that. I told him that he couldn't blow me off like that, and that it was obvious I had a problem. I told him that I needed him to care, and that he couldn't just do nothing. He said that he was blowing me off because I blew him off, and I asked him when I had blown him off. He walked back inside without answering me.
I followed him silently, and by then I couldn't hold back the tears. I told him that he was my father and that he HAD to care. He said he didn't have to do anything. I asked him then if he would care when I was dead. He just shrugged and walked away.

That was the end of that. I couldn't say anything more to him. That hurt... A lot. Until then, I didn't care what he said. But I mean, that was a low blow, and I have no doubt in my heart that he meant it.
I basically avoided him after that. I needed someone to talk to, so I called a friend of mine and we talked for a little. I also called my brother. Because if anything, he can understand what my dad is like. It didn't help though.

I'm so afraid to trust anyone now. Afraid to let anyone in, after all of that. I'm going back to talk to F later, probably at around 10. He said that he wanted to hear how it went with my dad. I wonder what he will say when I tell him what my dad did? Think he is neglectful? Stick me in a psych ward? Wonder if I'm going to kill myself?
Whatever F does, it can't be worse than what my dad did.

Oh, and yesterday when F was talking to my dad, I guess S and her son were sitting near him and they heard the conversation. So they know I'm a cutter now too. Great.
This morning, I decided that I was gonna wake up at 4:30 and walk to school. I didn't want to see my dad. S told me that she knew about the cutting, and that she didn't know how to deal with it. She tried to defend my dad, and I just shut that down. He doesn't deserve to be defended. He's a fucking asshole.
She said that it hurt her to know that I was cutting, and then asked me if it was because I wanted my dad's attention. WTF?
MY SELF HARM IS NOT FOR ATTENTION. IF IT WAS FOR ATTENTION, I WOULD BE GOING AROUND AND SHOWING EVERYONE MY CUTS AND SCARS. I DON'T WANT ATTENTION!!!!!

I just told her that it was my fight, not hers. I get that she is trying to care and to help, but that was a bullshit way. She then had the nerve to ask me if I would stop cutting. Yeah, right. I'm not gonna stop. I have no reason to stop. But F doesn't need to know that. I'll just omit that part of the conversation with him later.

I'm done. So done. I'm so hurt too. I don't know how I can sit in my classes and pretend to give a shit after all of that. I feel like crying. Just crying. But since F isn't here yet, I can't go talk to him. I think my teachers are getting mad at me too, for missing their classes. I just.. Am I the only one that thinks this is a legit reason to miss class?

I don't know. I can't explain what I feel right now. I can't identify it. I feel so much, and it's all so confusing...