A lot has gone on in the past few days. I haven't written about any of it because, well, the best I can describe it is that I haveb't felt like myself.
I've felt like a different person, and I didn't want to admit it.
But! Alas, here goes. There might be several posts, just while I get it all out there. Everything that's happened in the past few days.
So bear with me.
About 3 nights ago, my brother texted me, just wanting to talk. I was upset and pissed after fighting with my dad. So I told him everything.
I told him how I wanted to run away, how I had overdosed, how I'd wanted to do it again. He offered support, and said he wanted to hang out and just chill with me. Just to get me away for a while.
So that next day after school, we hung out. But there was a guest.
My mother.
If you don't know anything about my relationship with her, or need a refresher, here you go! My dad has a restraining order against her, and it's covering us unil I'm 18. (9 months from now).. So talking to her or having any sort of contact with her is illegal. She can go to jail for it.
But she was there, with my brother. We talked, drove around, smoked some weed, talked some more. It was nice. Relaxing.
So of course my dad didn't know about that.
I can't remember if I've ever written about it here, but my mom and I share some of the same issues.
For one, we're both Anorexic. I read somewhere that tendencies for ED's can be genetic, but still. In a way, it's nice to have her understand, but in another way, it's so triggering. She is so much smaller than me, and seeing her for 3 hours triggered me a lot.
So we'll see if it does any good. Oh, and I'm DETERMINED to weigh less than her. I NEED to weigh less than her. Just for the sake of my sanity.
My ED has made me do some pretty stupid things.
But it was still nice seeing her. Maybe we can hang out sometime again, despite it still being illegal.
So that's my *breif* but interesting encounter with my mother.
Emotional rollercoaster much? =P
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Thanks for the details on your day...nothing like family!! <3
ReplyDeleteYeah! But then again, your family almost HAS to love you.
DeleteThat's intense dear. Don't try to outdo your mom. I know it's triggering but that's not going to make you the strong person you want to be. Also, be careful. That's no joke, breaking that restrain order
ReplyDeleteI know it won't, but I feel like there isn't even a choice. it's just something I have to do. If that makes any sense?
DeleteI know restraining orders aren't a joke, trust me. And I don't want her to get in trouble, by any means. It was just nice to actually go 3 hours without fighting. For once. Xx