Let me just say that.
I am not being over dramatic, or maybe I am and I'm just to naive to see it.
I have my finals tomorrow and Wednesday. Then I'm done with school. DONE. It will be summer time, and I will be a senior.
Only, here's the catch. I'm already failing Chemistry, but I couldn't give two fucks about that. I'm also probably going to fail English. Which is like my best subject ever. Why am I going to fail English?
Because I failed to write the Literary Analysis paper on Hamlet that we've been working on for ohh... 2 or 3 weeks now.
I know, it's totally my fault that I haven't written the paper. But... I don't know. I don't have an excuse. All I know is that every time I try, I just can't. It's like everything falls out of me. Every time I try to think about school, I feel like I'm falling. Falling so far, so fast, and I can't see the bottom. There is nothing that I can grab on to on the way down, but I know that once I hit the bottom, there is no going back.
I just can't do it. The other half of my English final is a test on Hamlet as well. Probably multiple choice, but I don't know. I have a C in that class already, I can't afford to fail.
I guess here's to summer school.
There's also another thing that I'm anxious about. This kid, A, which is the kid that I previously pushed away, but am now friends with... He figured out that I smoke weed. Not that that is a huge surprise, but I guess he didn't know. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't push it onto people, I don't openly flaunt the fact that I smoke, and I don't smoke all the time. Nowhere near that.
I occasionally smoke with other people who do, but I never push people to if they don't want to. Hell, I rarely smoke around other people. But A, well.. he said that he'd never smoked and that he wanted to try it. I told him to go ahead, and that if he wanted to, it was his choice to make. He asked if he could smoke with me. I didn't know what I was supposed to say, so I just shrugged. He later gave me some money to buy weed, because he said that he wanted to chip in his piece. I told him he didn't have to. I never actually thought that I'd be smoking with him. I never thought I would be the person to start that with someone who had never smoked before. I don't know why, but that makes me feel strange. I don't know what I should do. Do I go ahead and buy the weed, and smoke with him? Do I return the money and lie to him? Just tell him that I'm giving it up, and that if he really wants to smoke with someone, he needs to find someone else? Because I know that once he does it once, chances are that he will want to again. And he will turn to me. For whatever reason, one that I can't pinpoint, that makes me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. I don't like smoking around other people. The only people I've ever smoked with are my brother, my mom, and a close friend of mine. She's the one who started me on weed. But I don't know.
I just can't stop thinking about it. I hate this. I hate the fact that people know about me. I hate the fact that anyone knows anything about me. I need to take it all back. I need to take everything back. I need to go back to being on my own. I need to go back to being independent, not needing so many people. I need to go back to being closed off, and I need to start relying on myself again. I can't do this. I don't want to panic every time I think of other people. Of people who give so much to me, yet I have nothing to give back. I don't want to have to worry about what people might say, what they won't. I don't want to have to try to be social where I don't want to be. I mean, I don't trust people. I don't hold many people close to my heart. I don't feel. How is that in any way fair to the people around me? They give me so much, and I have nothing to give back.
I wish I could take back everything I've ever told anyone about me. Not the people here that read my blog, because I can't control that. I don't want to control that. But the people here, in my actual life, well, I just can't do that. I don't know how to explain it. But I just know that I need to take it all back.
So I guess we'll see what the next few days bring...
I think your best bet it to give him back his money, that way he doesn't end up relying on you to get him more whenever he wants it. Go with your gut feeling - if it seems uncomfortable, don't do it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally understand that feeling when people know too much about you, or know about specific things you'd rather not have them know...it's so stressful wondering how they must be perceiving you as a person. I have that with some people at my work, and all I can think of is, "I've gotta get out of here before anyone knows too much more..."
Ahh! I'm so happy that someone finally understands how I feel about people knowing too much. I push them away, but then I get lonely, so eventually I open up. Then I push those people away too, because I feel guilty and they know too much. It's a horrible cycle.
DeleteI appreciate the advice about A. Thank you so much. Xx
Why do you have nothing to give back? There's a reason people are depending on you. They like you.
ReplyDeleteAs for the smoking, just like it was his choice to want to smoke, it's yours whether to smoke with him. If it makes you uncomfortable don't do it. Especially since it's something illegal.
I don't know why I don't have anything to give back. I just... Don't. As for the weed, it actually isn't illegal here anymore. It was legalized a while ago.
DeleteHe found his own supplier, and he still wants to smoke. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do.
Have you looked at Sparknotes or Cliffnotes for Hamlet? It's super helpful.
ReplyDeleteAnd just give the guy his money back. Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Goodluck on your exams!!
I have looked at those, but they aren't exactly what I need.
DeleteI'm not sure what I'm gonna do about A, guess I'll have to see.
Thanks for the well wishes on my exams! Xx
I agree with everyone who commented before...go with your gut feeling with your friend!!
ReplyDeleteHope the exams go okay today!
Thanks. Xx
Delete