I feel like too many people know about me. Know about my self-harm, my ED, and all of it.
People that know me, like physically.
Wednesday, I was hanging out with A, who was the one I pushed away wayy back when. I'll have to link the post later, since I can't do it on my phone.
Anyway, I was hanging out with him a few days ago, and I got a panic attack. Pretty much out of nowhere. So what did I do? I got up from where we were sitting and I ran. I ran without saying a word, or explaining why I left. I ran out of the building, trying to get as far away as I could as fast as I could.
In all of that, he happened to see the cuts on my wrist. Despite the magnitude of bracelets I had to try and hide it.
So he kinda figured it out, putting my weird behavior (from that as well as past events) together. Now he knows. I wish he didn't.
I only feel guilty, selfish, scared. I feel horrible for letting him now. I feel selfish for making him deal with me when he has his own stuff to deal with.
I wish I could take back his knowledge of me.
As it is, I've been having a war inside my head, inside of me, between keeping him as a friend, and pushing him away because he knows.
Because he knows my secrets. All of them.
The less people that know, the better.
But I've already pushed him away once.
What kind of person would I be if I did it again? Besides... A small part of me likes having a friend. I don't have any friends here, not in the physical world. Or rather, I have friends - but not the kind of friends I can hang out with and talk to. So I kind of like having him as a friend, but I'm scared of him.
Scared of what he can do. What if he decides that I'm not safe to myself and tells someone? What if he tries to help? He doesn't know how, and I'd only feel worse if he tried to help and couldnt.
There is this war inside of me - and I can't tell what side is winning. My head is spinning, my mind is racing, and I'm stuck in the middle.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Unfortunately, it's out of your control now. Even if you stop being friends with him he still knows and could tell someone.
ReplyDeleteIf he's a true friend he'll understand which path is best for you.
But it still isn't his place to do something or tell someone.. This is my battle to fight. But you're right. Xx
DeleteYou should be his friend. You need a friend and you need to learn some healing processes anyway. :P he obviously cares and this is your anxiety talking. I get worried too but I just tell myself it's fine and fight the worries with truth. He cares. Let him stay.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. I should let him stay. I mean, he just took it in stride, and didn't tell me that I was a freak, or crazy, or anything that other people have told me. So maybe if he stays, it won't be too bad. Thank you. Xx
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