My dad tried to talk to me last night. So I thought I'd give it a shot, but as it did the time before that, it only ended in a fight and nothing got accomplished.
I have accepted, or am trying to accept, that I will not have any kind of relationship with my dad as long as I live there. Most likely for longer after that. It's just not possible.
After the fight, I ended up cutting really bad, and I realized how stupid I've been.
[this might sound odd, but try not to judge]
I've always been really good at keeping my wounds clean, hiding them, keeping them safe. You know, not letting them get infected. Well, turns out, I fucked that one up. For the first and hopefully last time. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not serious or anything, but it's definitely infected. I've never been so careless, and I don't know why I had this time. So, while I work on that, I guess I'll deal with the pain. Again, I'm an idiot, I know. It's in a really odd place, making it difficult to wrap. But it's also too big for a band-aid. Just my luck, right?
I thought about going back down and trying to talk to F. Again. I mean, I already know that he can't help me, but after the fight with my dad last night, I just wanted someone to talk to. I ended up staying up all night trying to sort this out. Which isn't helping, at all. Maybe I should just go back to ignoring it. I mean, it's gotta be better than this, right?
I really don't need to deal with this right now. I have a week left of school and I have finals. I have so much work I need to catch up on, and do. I have other things to worry about. This is not one of them that I need to worry about. >.<
I'm feeling pretty apathetic about everything that happened last night. I mean, I cried a lot. But now I think back on it and I don't really feel that much. Maybe I just can't put a name to what I'm feeling, so I try to think I'm not feeling it. I don't know.
I have 7 days of school left.
Just have to keep going, I guess.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Remember that I'm always here if you need to chat :) xx
ReplyDeleteI would love to talk sometime. (: email me?
Delete7 days! Yay! You're almost done!
ReplyDeleteYou were brave and at least you tried to talk to your dad. I know it must be hard with him being difficult, but at least there are other people (like F) to turn to while he learns how to help you.
I hope your dad realizes what a treasure he has in you and that he needs to work with you.
I don't know if I can turn to F though. I mean, he has told me that he doesn't know how to help me.
DeleteMy dad will never realize that he needs to work with me, and I really don't know that I want him to. I feel like I've been pushed past my limits. I don't have anything left to give.
This is my friends blog from Hungary, Léna.
ReplyDeletehttp://lenalobelia.blogspot.hu
And I love your blog, too!
Thanks!
DeleteI'll check her blog out, for sure! (: