Or not

Apparently, I was wrong. I gained an entire pound. This makes me feel horrible.
But I guess I deserve it. I mean, after yesterday. This morning didn't go out really well with eating, so I decided to fast the rest of the day/liquids only. But the damage was already done.
I am setting a goal of 175 by Saturday. That's 2 lbs in 2 days. I can do it. I bet a lot of today's weight is just water weight, but after working out at Guard tonight, I'll more likely do some crunches. And then tomorrow, I intend to go running, in the morning perhaps.
I will achieve that goal. And when I do, it will feel amazing.

On to other things...
I am making a shirt!! :D On the front it's going to say "Because I deserve to be okay" and I'm looking for a short quote about an ED to go on back. I don't want it to be entirely obvious that it's about an ED though. Does anyone have any ideas?

I get to go driving again tomorrow!! :D :D
I'm so excited!!!
That's kinda what I'm happy about at the moment! :D

(:

After all the fucking up I did of my weight loss, I only gained .5 of a lb. I can deal with this. It's not that big of a deal. Not the best, but I know that after today, hopefully I won't gain anymore. I hope that I'll be able to lose wight.
Now I'm off to a therapy appointment, I'm terrified, but I know she can't do much. This is to just talk about my anxiety and mood swings.
Not much of a post, but just an update. Just thinking.

With the good comes the bad

So I posted about the good parts of my day... now for the not so good parts.
I put this in a separate post - because I'm just going to write about everything. Whether it be healthy, not healthy, horribly negative, doesn't matter.
Just everything.
So that I can feel like I have gotten it off my chest.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT NEGATIVITY. IF YOU ARE IN A GOOD MOOD - YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THIS POST. Your choice. So here goes.

I went driving today. I was so excited, I wanted to tell someone and be happy together. Who did I automatically go to text? My ex-best friend. I hate those words. They sound so dramatic.
I wanted to tell her. And when I realized that I couldn't tell her, well, I wanted to tell her anyways because I'm so mad at her. I want to hurt her, scream at her, fight with her, anything. Mostly hurt her though. I didn't think I was so affected by this. Why can't 2 years of friendship just disappear.... *Poof!* like that?
I can't worry about that too much though. I guess I just have to move on.
When I got back from driving, I was excited. I wanted to tell my dad. But I know he would have a farm, and a few extra, if he even knew about me driving before I had my permit. Sometimes I wish that he could be there for me. Could listen to me, acknowledge me. Whenever I ask him something, it's always "Whatever." So I've given up asking. I guess I can't expect anything else.
My grandma had a similar reaction. I didn't really tell her as much as I wanted to, but she still freaked out. When I told her how I was going next week to the person's house in which took me driving so that she could help me get my permit, she just looked at me. I can't describe the expression on her face. Like I was a failure because I couldn't learn it on my own. Like I am just too stupid to get it.
My family knows so little about me. They don't know what I want to do, they don't know that I'm crazy and spontaneous, that I like to laugh. They don't know that I like to run, they don't know that I struggle in school. They don't know that I'm not in Orchestra anymore, or what I want to go to college for. They don't know my favorite color, or 3 things I believe in. They don't know what I like/don't like. They don't know me. I always have to hid myself when I'm at home. If I'm at my dad's, I'm always in my room. If I'm at my grandma's, I'm out running/walking/wandering. This is partly my fault. I don't let them know some things about me. But that's because they're so judgmental  I tried to tell my dad that I wanted to go to college to play the violin - he basically told me I'm not good enough. I told him that I want to run - he laughed at me. I tell him what I'm doing - he can't remember. I do something nice - he tells me what I did wrong.
That's just my dad. Most of the time I can deal with it. But I can't help wishing I didn't have to hide. I don't want them to know me exactly, I like the unknown. But I wish I didn't have to hide.
Not all of it is their fault - as much as I'd like to blame them for it. If my grandma asks me about a friend - I tell her as little as possible. If she asks me how I am - I say "Fine". I despise that word. Just because it's a cop out. It is what you say when you don't want to talk to anyone. That's exactly why I use it with her. If she asks me about school - I always tell her it's either "Fine" or "Good" even if it isn't. Like right now. I can't tell her anything. I feel like she would make too big a deal out of it. Last time I told her I had a C - IN GEOMETRY (A subject she knows I'm HORRIBLE at) she just told me that I could do better, and that she was disappointed. That she expected me to do better. And of course, her getting on me every day didn't help me. That's just who my grandma is. It's my fault too though. She's right. I CAN do better.

When I got home, I was supposed to cook dinner for my grandparents. So I did. I wasn't going to eat, because I had stayed at 45 all day long, and I was proud. I didn't want to go over the goal of 100 for the day. After that, I washed my hands, to get all of it off my hands. But now, looking back, I see that's where it started.
While making the food I had a piece of ham. Just one. I wanted it. But about 10 minutes after that, it was followed by chips, fudge, more chips, more fudge, and a cookie. I should have expected this. I was so happy about my goal, and now I've probably gained all of it back. I am such a failure. I am so strong, but at my grandparents, where there's food EVERYWHERE.... I always fail. I worked out a lot yesterday, so I'm hoping that would help. I also work out a lot tomorrow too.. I hope I don't gain the weight back. I need this. This is the first thing I've really accomplished in a while. I want to keep it for a bit. I almost weighed myself today, but after eating, I know I'd weigh more, and I'd rather weight till tomorrow morning, when I'm all clean. Ugh. I am such a whale. I'm not supposed to say things like that.
Ever since then... I have a few dark thoughts on repeat in my head. I keep trying to drown them out, but to no avail. I have tried blasting music, singing, texting, writing posts, nothing helps. All I hear constantly on repeat is "You can't even succeed for one day. You'll never reach your goal" and "Fudge? You ate fudge? You don't deserve it. Look at yourself" or my favorite "Fat. That's what you are. You're too weak to do anything about it. You'll be fat forever. A joke." I hate this.
I want out, but I don't ever want to let go. My eating disorder is the only thing I know how to properly hold on to. Everything else seems to be slipping out of my grasps. Like I can't hold on to anyone. I don't want to. I've stopped seeing the people around me as friends. As people to talk to. They are more the enemy. The pain, the reason I'm the way I am. They are just standing in my way. I can't remember the last time I had a "normal" day. Like spent more than 5 minutes without exercising, thinking about what I eat, or restricting. That makes me so sad... Because reading back over some posts here, I can see when I was so hopeful for recovery. Not anymore. I don't know where it went, but it's gone. Now it's just me and him. That's another thing. Most girls think of their ED's as "her", as in a girl. Mine is a guy. It's a "he" but not like you'd think. I don't know.
I have some theories about that, but i'll not get into those.
I am partly writing this to relieve anxiety and anger, but also to keep my mind off of myself. I feel like know i've eaten WAY too much today, probably fucked up all of the progress that I had made. I've probably gained all of my weight back. Fuck. Tomorrow, i'm supposed to have 200 calories, but i'm so tempted to fast. I guess i'll see how I feel in the morning. I am hoping to post, just my thoughts on my weight, and what i'm doing tomorrow. I can't even look at myself. I'm writing this standing up because i'm afraid to sit down. Sitting down is when I truly look fat. Standing up, I look somewhat less fat. And considering my state of mind right now, sitting down can only bring bad news. Plus, standing up burns calories. I'm such a whale. :(
The weight is not going fast enough. I know why. It's a result of all the times I stuff my face. I should have stayed at 45 today. It was soo well. Urgh.
I really really want to talk to Cimiron, as it's been a while. I feel horrible for that. Anytime I go too long without talking to him, I feel like shit. He brightens my mood. Every time he says "I love you" I realize that someone can actually love me, that I'm worth something. Silly, I know. But it's true. I love him so much. He always puts a smile on my face, and I think that is something I need right now. And since this week has been kinda busy, I think I'll call him Friday. Just to talk. I really wish I lived up there. Wish I could give him a hug every time I felt like shit. Have him there just to know that I'm okay, that I am not a complete failure.
But I also know at the same time, that I am kinda glad for the distance. I wouldn't be able to do the things I do, eat how much I eat, exercise this amount, with him here. Or I there. Because I know that would be letting him down, and it kills me to know that he is sad or worried about me. That's the worst. Everyone else's disappointment I can deal with, but his, well, no. I'd do anything I could to make him happy, take away his troubles. I never want him to worry about me.

I'm losing my energy to keep writing... So there will probably be more later... but it felt good to get a lot off my chest here..

Not as hard as it looks!

I went driving today. I don't have my permit yet, but I still went driving on a deserted road, with no other cars around. Well almost.
I did really well, and then we went to a road that had lines, and that was a bit harder, but still! I did REALLY well for my first time ever driving! Not as hard as it looks.
I get to go driving again on Friday, and this time I'm going to learn what is necessary for me to get my permit. (The thing that allows me to drive.) I would have had it by now, but they make everything so complicated.
I don't know why - they just have to use all the technical words. I don't understand it that way, not that I can learn it from a book anyways. I'm the kind of person that has to have it applied. In order to understand it.

So that definitely made my day better, and I can't wait to go again Friday.
Today's been really relaxing, actually. I went almost the whole day without being anxious, or having anxiety attacks. It was so nice.

I've got my therapy appointment tomorrow, as well as guard. I have to get up at 5:30 am. So early!! >.<
Thursday I don't start school until almost 9!! Ugh.
I don't want to go! And then I have guard that night, from 5:30 to 8:30.... It's gonna be a long day.
But on the bright side... it means that I can make up for all the horribleness I've put myself through today. Hopefully more than make up for it.
I'm gonna write about that in another post, because for once I just wanted to be positive. Happy.

So that was my day. I can't believe tomorrow's Thursday. It feels like this week has gone by REALLY fast. Like I've barely had a chance to breathe. It's so stressful, but at the same time, so relaxing. I don't know. I know that's contradictory.
So now, I'm just gonna spend the rest of my lovely night (Or morning for some people) listening to music, and trying to stay happy.

Random fear/strong dislike

BATHROOMS.
I don't know why.

I hate them.
I fear them. In a sense. They are so gross.
I do everything I can to avoid them.
I don't have any reason whatsoever for this random strong dislike. But every time I have to go into one, well, I try to make it as quick as possible.
They have so many germs, but the surprising thing is, they have less germs than your mouth. I'm sure you didn't want to know that! [;
Not sure why I felt the need to share this, but I did.

I am so abnormal. I don't know why, I don't know how, but I am. And I'm proud of it.

I want to know what it's like...

This video is heart wrenching. It meant so much to me, I found it on a blog of someone I follow. This is so strong, so true. And I admire all of these people.
I, myself, am not gay, but I support them in every way.
My dad is one of those people who are against gays. He says that it is wrong. That they don't belong. I am trying to change that. Some of my friends don't believe in it either. What is so wrong with it? It's not a disease. I just wish more people could believe it. Without any other words, as I believe the video speaks it's own, here is the video. Please leave any thoughts, share it, anything. (:

This is an amazing video. Xx

I love...

Days when I get out of school early.
Days when I don't have much to do.
Days when I'm not hungry.
Days when I can be crazy.
Days when I feel good and want to run.
Days when I can hang out with friends.
Elephants.
Penguins.
MUSIC
Reading
Tulips
Panthers
Blue
The letter "e" in the alphabet
To sing
To write
Yellow roses
The number 6
Italy
New York
Turtles
Lelouch from "Code Geass"
Making snow angels
Short dresses
Singing
Showers
And many more things!!

Just felt like posting about this, for some reason!

Mornings

I am usually never a morning person.
Or.. it depends.
If I get up in the morning and just start getting ready, I am lazy and quiet the rest of the day. I don't want to do anything, I just have that kind of attitude.
But if I get up and take a shower or do something like that, I feel refreshed and energized. I feel happy. It's interesting.

Today is one of those "no shower" days. I took one last night as I didn't want to get up this morning. But somehow, I feel unbelievably calm. Maybe I'm still riding an inside high from the weight loss, but I'm scared to hope. I'm scared to be happy about it because then I know that somehow I will screw it up, and I will gain all of it right back. It's weird.

A few days ago a friend of mine (S, for this post, because I'm tired of saying "a friend of mine") and I were talking. I was telling her about this kid that I keep pushing away because I feel like I'm going to hurt him, so I feel guilty. I mean, he's so nice and kind and sweet, and I don't want to ruin that. So we basically just stopped being friends. Anyways, I was talking to S about it, and I told her how even though I was being a complete and total bitch to him, he still wanted to get me a Christmas present. He straight up told me that he wants to buy me an Ipod, since mine got lost/stolen and music is my life. I of course freaked out a bit and told him no, but he didn't listen. S told me that I should let him do it, because he wants to, and also because it would make me happy.
She said that I seem to be denying myself a lot of things, simply because they make me happy. I know this is true, but I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. But I know that is wrong, and that I do deserve to be happy. That's been on my mind for a while. I know that happiness isn't a destination, but I feel like I have to do certain things to get there. I hope any of that makes sense?

I've recently followed a lot of new blogs (14) so I'm trying to catch up on them. Reading a few of their posts though, has brought me to wonder... Why do people read my blog? At first I thought it was because I was interesting, then I thought because I had an ED and was trying to recover, "recover" being the key word. Now though, I feel like I've just fallen downward, and hit the bottom. But still, people keep following me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that they are following me ^_^ (sounds really stalker like) but I can't help wondering why? If anyone is following me and is reading this and would like to tell me why, I wouldn't mind (: But you don't have to.

So that's my day, basically. Not doing much, feeling relaxed, and driving after school. (: And of course, reading blogs!! :D I think I'm addicted.

WOO!!!

This may not seem like good news to a lot of you, but to me, it's the best thing that could happen. Or almost.
I lost 5 lbs!!! Which means I am now 1 lb away from my first goal weight!!
I am so excited, and it's only day 4!!!! :D
Just thought I'd share this news. Now off to guard to burn more calories!!! :D :D :D

Now to aim for lower (:

Everything jumbled coming out

I feel like my week is so full. But yet I don't really have anything to do. I really need to just breathe - I mean, it's only Tuesday, I just need to chill.

I am going for driving lessons tomorrow after school, (even though I don't have my permit yet) and I'm so super excited. The thing is - I can't learnt he rules of the road unless I am in the car, and someone else is telling me about them. i can't read it from a book. Or... I can, it just doesn't stick with me.

I've been eating breakfast these last few days... but not much else. I just don't feel hungry, so therefore I get scared to eat, because that's a bad habit of mine. One in which I'm trying to break. So far, it's going really well. I'm not keeping too much track of my calories, or, I am, but not over obsessing about them. I get to weigh myself here soon... in about a half an hour before I go to Colorguard. (I will post about that later, probably just my thoughts) I am so not looking forward to that. I don't really feel up to it. And being on my period - well the cramps are hell and that just makes it worse. I am hoping I have lost some weight recently, it's the only thing I can do that will help me hold on. I know that this is bad, not healthy, negative, but it's all I've got right now.

On to some positive news. I've read a blog recently, and this girl, well she sets goals for herself every week, and writes about them. Most of my goals I keep in my head, which might be why I have a  hard time keeping them. So I think that starting next week, I am going to make goals for myself, weekly goals, and I'm going to do the best that I can to keep them. Hopefully, next week will be less stressful.

I don't even know what's making today stressful. I don't mind sitting alone at lunch, or doing my own thing. I don't mind that I've lost two friends recently (though I probably should). I don't even have that much to do. I have a History paper that I have to write tonight, and then tomorrow I get to have an extended off hour. Wednesdays are my favorite days. I go driving after school tomorrow, and then Thursday I have the therapist appointment (kinda anxious for that) and guard that night as well. Then Friday, nothing, and Saturday, nothing. So like I said, there's not that much to do, but for some reason, I feel overly stressed?

So tonight, I'm going to be really productive, when I get home and then tomorrow, I'm going to relax. I get out really early tomorrow, because I have an A in Math, so she's making everyone retake a test they failed. I passed, so I get to go to the library. Or somewhere. I will probably go to the library to catch up on blog posts, and comment, since for some reason I can't comment on my computer.

I'm done with the arguments, and the drama. Of pushing people away, telling them that we can't be friends, but not being able to explain why. Because I can't tell them about all of the crap in my head, I can't tell them about my Eating Disorder. I'm afraid to talk to anyone. I feel like if I say anything about how I'm feeling, what I'm doing, I'll be letting everyone down. The people around me, my friends, the people who read this blog. For some reason, ever since I posted about the ABC diet, If eel like I have a responsibility to do what's right. I'm failing that miserably, as my ED is taking control, and I'm letting it. That's the bad part. I'm not even fighting it anymore. I've come to feel some sense of pride for the ED. Totally fucked up, I know.

I wish I had blogger on my phone. I need to write a lot more often then I have access to a computer. And that is taking it's toll on me. Here is the only place that I feel safe. That I feel I can say anything and everything. It's the only place that I feel okay. But even now, I am starting to feel like I'm letting people here down. The other day, one of my friends (or used to be friends seeing as I pushed him away before I could hurt him) said he wanted to buy me a present. And another friend of mine, who knows him really well as they are great friends, said that he was asking her if I had an Eating Disorder. She said she denied it, as it isn't her place to say anything, but really?
I didn't think anyone was noticing. And maybe it was all just bullshit. I have no way of knowing. But anyways, that's given me more of a reason to push him away. He can't get in the way of this. I won't let him. I'm better off on my own anyways. So now that's constantly been on my mind, and for some reason, I felt a huge sense of pride, that he had noticed, and suspected that I had Anorexia. I don't know, maybe this is just a sign of how fucked up I am, have become, or maybe have always been.

I feel more at peace now that he's gone, and now that other people are leaving as well. I can't explain it. I know that I shouldn't and that being alone right now is probably not a good thing, but I feel like that.

Today in Math, two of my friends were talking. And one of them (being a he) asked the other (a she) why she had such gigantic boobs. I wasn't really paying attention to them, but as the conversation progressed and I heard some of what was being said, I started laughing. I laughed till I couldn't feel my stomach anymore, and I laughed until I had tears pouring down my face. It felt good. I can't explain what was so funny, but it just was. It felt nice to laugh, to know that I didn't have to push everyone away.

That's basically my day. I know this probably doesn't make sense, but I had to get all of my thoughts out. And here they are. Today has been interesting.
I still intend to write a story, I need the release. I just need the time. I will probably do it Wednesday night or Friday. So if anyone is interested, they can look forward to that. Hope some of that made sense. And I hope whoever is reading this has a good day.

Stories

I've been feeling the urge to write recently, but I feel like my head is so jumbled up. I can't find the right words, but at the same time, even if they come out wrong, I'm still going to write them.

So I intend to write a short story. Which you can look forward to.

Today started out good, then my mood went to crap and now I just want to go home. I have guard tonight as well - not so much looking forward to it. I don't know why, but I'm not.
I can't wait for Psychology. I love that class (in case you hadn't noticed xD)

I debated skipping checking in with the counselor at school this morning, I'm supposed to meet her in a couple minutes. I don't know if I should go, though I know I will. I don't want to.

I feel so conflicted.
If this made any sense, yay. If not, well, I expected it.

I need to get all this stuff out of my head, so that I can think clearly. So I shall be ranting and not making any sense later. Here goes. Wish me luck. I'm so nervous, though I don't know why.

Awkward start to a Monday

So today is not going anything like I planned.
Not exactly in a bad way... but not in an entirely good way either.

I had a good first period. Which was my off period. I was going to use it to work on an essay, and then when I looked for my papers, I couldn't find them, so the whole "I'm gonna be productive and work on my essay" thing totally failed.
Then I went to Psychology and we started learning about personality disorders, and I find that kind of stuff really interesting. So I wasn't lacking any thoughts or interest in that.

But as I expected, the awkwardness came. It couldn't stay at bay forever. Sitting next to her in classes, listening to her talk to people I used to be friends with. And knowing that I can't talk to them, or have another chance at fixing things... Well I just got mad. I don't even know what I really did, but knowing that I failed her in some way, that I could have done better, that I trusted one more time... and I got stabbed in the back.
It was just really awkward, me sitting there holding in everything that I wanted to say. Everything. Not saying a word, not letting her see that it was killing me to just let her go. But what else could I have expected? I guess I'm the only one that sees the future the way it pans out. Everyone else just tries to believe for the best. But I know better. There's no point in hoping, not until I can get out of this hole that I am digging for myself. The problem? I've said it many times before. Nobody listens.
I don't want out.
I can't get past the wrongdoings of my dad. Of the people around me. This kid told me "Sometimes it's best to forgive." and normally, I would forgive. But I don't feel like I can forgive this. It feels like too much, like I absolutely can't forgive this until I reach my goal.

I have never known myself to hide so much hate inside. But I can't let it out. I don't know how.
Every since I've started watching what I eat, I feel so much better. I feel stronger, I think clearer, I feel more in control.
I know that it isn't good, but I can't help it.

I am just going to keep my head up, and smile like it isn't bothering me. I don't need friends, I can just be by myself. I don't mind at all. I like it. There's a lot more peace and quiet.

I am not going to let this destroy me, or bother me. I am happy for once. I will stay that way. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll make the best of it :D
Now I'm off to go do Chem homework. Woo!

Liebster Blog Award

I have just received the Liebster Blog Award from Izzy!
[Just a little side - note.... This girl is amazing!! :D]

Thank you so much for nominating me! ^_^

Rules:
- When you receive the award, thank the person who gave it to you, and include their link in your blog (mine is linked under Izzy's name).
- Post 11 things about yourself.
- Answer the 11 questions of the person who nominated you.
- Choose up to 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.
- Create 11 questions for your nominees!
- Inform the nominees of their nomination. (:

So on to it I shall go!!

11 things about myself! (that you probably don't know)
- I play the violin.
- I'm very anti-social.
- I have 2 dogs (A German Shepherd Husky Mix, and a Husky Malamute Mix. They are mother and son.)
- I'm a bit of a music freak - depending on you you look at it!! :D
- I love to run - even if I have horrible stamina.
- I hate to watch T.V.
- I love to watch movies, my favorite being V For Vendetta.
- I love to write! <3
- I rarely get offended, and will let most everything slide.
- I am brutally honest, but not in a bad way! (:
- My perfect day consists of 3 things. RAIN, Night-time, and 60 degree weather (:
(I prefer this over most a lot of things :D)

Questions from Izzy!!
1. What were you doing an hour ago?
-Sleeping!! :D

2. What are your three favorite things to do/passtimes?
= Read, listen to music, or walk around :D

3. What's your favorite animal?
- My favorite animal.... Hmm.... Panther :D

4. What's your favorite thing about blogging?
- My favorite thing about blogging is just being able to write out my thoughts, express myself.

5. What do you want to be doing in 10 years?
- I want to be working as a Forensic Scientist, living in a big city, and enjoying life!! :D

6.  Take out your ipod/mobile/mp3 player, put it on shuffle, and write down the first 5 songs that pop up!
Well, here goes! (^-^)
- Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites by Skrillex
- Not Fragile by Christina Grimmie
- I Can Walk On Water by Basshunter
- I'm Alive by Disturbed
- In The Darkness by Dead By Sunrise

7. Favorite T.V. shows?
- Bones, House, NCIS, Law and Order (Mostly the first 3 though)

8. 3 favorite meals/foods?
- Chocolate covered Peanuts!!
- French fries
- Carrots
(I know... I'm weird.)

9. Do you prefer cozy nights in, or going out?
Cozy night in all the way!!

10. What is your best quality?
I don't know.... I guess I'd have to say my eyes.

11. Do you like blogging?
YES!!!! I think I've become sort of addicted. :D (Shhh! Don't tell!)

My nominees:
Sarah
Nichole
Alexa
Emma
Ruby-Tuesday
Just another Teen Blogger

My questions for the nominees:
1. What do you like most about blogging?
2. What's are 2 of your bad habits?
3. What kind of music do you listen to?
4. What does your perfect day look like?
5. What are your favorite foods?
6. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
7. What is your favorite color?
8. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why?
9. What is something that you strongly believe in and why do you believe it?
10. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?
11. If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?

ABC anyone?

I've been looking for something to get back on track, and I've found it! Unfortunately this didn't just come from my own hands. Nope! Emma here, posted about this on her blog, and I thought I'd give it a try.

Especially after the last few days I've had. I lost control so much, I'm ashamed. But! There is no use in fretting about the past, It's over and done with! This is my first time ever trying this, though I've heard about it before. I just thought I'd give it a try.

I've heard of a lot of different people who have tried this, but I've yet to find one who's actually succeeded in it. I'm determined to do this! I am strong enough (:

Anyone up for doing it with me?

Again and Again

When will I ever learn?

PEOPLE DO NOT STICK AROUND. THEY DO NOT KEEP THEIR PROMISES, THEY CAN NOT BE RELIED ON.

Over and over again, I let people in. Over and over again, I get stabbed in the back. I don't know if it's me, or if it's them, but honestly? I'm done trying.

I'm done reaching out to people when I need help.
I'm done admitting I need help.
I'm done bending backwards to help people. To do everything I can to make sure they're happy.

I just can't do it anymore. So fuck it.
I can't.
I don't know.

What's better?

To see someone who's happy all the time?
Or to know that someone is struggling 24/7 and can barely get back on their feet?

What if you don't know how to help them?
What if it is something beyond your reach, and you know that others' have the power to help them, and that they are getting help?

I don't think we want either. Because if you're happy all the time, then you're lying, but if you are struggling 24/7, then you're not someone anyone wants to be around.

I over heard this conversation on the bus earlier, between two people. They were talking about something similar to this, and it just made me think...
What would you prefer?

Because either one is difficult to deal with, but at the same time, one is always easier to deal with than the other. Because we only want to see certain things. It's contradictory.. but I just wondered at anyone's thoughts who reads this.

Which would you prefer? Why?

Thanksgiving

This holiday... it's a time of anxiety.
Anyone who has/had an Eating Disorder can agree with me. Family gaherings and dinners are never fun.
I have so much anxiety, and self hate.
I ate brunch earlier, and it wasn't bad. But I was overly full. I don't know why I can't purge anymore, but I wish I could. I will find a solution to this. I need to.

I hate Thanksgiving. It's another holiday, another day that I have to smile and laugh and pretend that nothing is falling apart.
I could manage, if only I could get rid of my anxiety.

I just want today to be over.

I'm so low today.
I don't like myself at all... maybe never will.

Picture!

This is something in which a lot of people I think need to remember, but at the same time, keep in mind that things can change. That you don't have to feel the need to SH, have an ED, or live with depression.

Untitled (for now)

He draws pictures on my skin,
of lines and words,
and shapes,
that cannot be erased.
They are battle scars,
memories,
reminders of long gone shame.
Letting go is impossible,
Despite the pain,
we're master players,
at this game of insane.
The only proof,
that there is light,
are the dreams and memories,
kept inside.
I share them not,
For I am lost,
And they are the only things holding me together.
I grow stronger,
From the pain I embrace,
I will go on longer,
Than this hell I create.
I am holding on,
I am staying strong,
The only signs,
For you to see,
That everything,
Is not what it seems...
Are the lines that remain,
From he, from we.

Changing

Words,
Taken at face value,
Mean nothing.
The words I sing,
Scream,
Chant,
They too are nothing.
A kid in another country,
counting days,
hours,
seconds,
His murmured words,
His whispered prayers,
They mean more than we could ever see.
His searching gaze, beating heart,
Unspoken thoughts,
They are more than I'll ever be.
They carry truth that you'd never see.
He is him more than I am me.
First betraying glance,
You'd think we're equal,
But truthfully,
Really,
I am nothing and he is everything.

Wrote this poem a while back... Just wondered if anyone had any opinions on it?

No title

We strive to be
Even something we can't see.
We strive to love, when all we know is hate.
We expect other's to accept our faults,
When we can't even accept theirs.
Our soul is as unknown to most,
As the mysteries of a ghost.
For we will never achieve,
The level we all want to reach,
We will never be perfect,
We will never be remembered,
But always know in your heart,
Our imperfections are what make us perfect.

Wednesday!

It feels like forever since I've written.
Though I know it hasn't.

If anyone is interested in what's been up with me, well not much.
I've spent the last few days cleaning my house, since my dad has a friend coming to stay with us later today. So that's been pretty fun.

I've also been really emotional and crazy lately. I have decided to fast for a week, to see how much weight I can lose. I really need to start getting better at this. I can't keep going on this way. Anyways, I'm scared for that to happen. I know it will be hard, hence why I've failed every other time before this.

I have been pretty upset with people, it feels like I'm playing mind games with everyone. How to keep them happy, not piss them off, how to make it seem like everything is okay. How to keep my friends. Because yes, I've lost two friends in as many days. I am not really bothered by it. I knew that it was going to happen, and therefore it didn't hurt to much. But still. It's tiring playing all these mind games. So I'm trying to take a break from it all.

I have decided to continue with the counselor, and I don't know when I will see her next. I have to call her and make an appointment, and I know it will be at least a week before I meet with her. I am working on that journaling thing with the anxiety/exercise/mood swings that she wanted me to write about. I have to say, it's making me seem pretty messed up, and I don't want her to connect it back to my eating habits. It's confusing.

I have been wanting to post some poetry for a while now, just maybe to get some opinions on it. Like just to get some honesty about it.

I will be posting them later though. So there's just a quick update about me, now I'm off to go catch a bus and go home. I promise I'll write more later.

Get up, get movin!

This is my motto for today.
I have an entire week off for break and I'm going to enjoy it! xD

My dad has a friend coming in on Tuesday, so it's up to me to clean the house and make sure it's nice. Doesn't sound too hard, right?
You haven't seen my house.

I'm also applying this to my exercise. I've been slacking a lot recently in running, finding reasons not to go for a run. And really, that's exactly what I need. To go run, to not think. To just feel my feet hitting the pavement. And it's also getting colder here, so it's making it a little harder to run.

Today is a warm day though, so I'm gonna make the most of it! I think that's what I'm going to ask for for Christmas. (: I'm not a huge Christmas person. I'd rather see everyone else happy. I always have been. It's the same with any holiday. And with Thanksgiving on Friday, well, I'm hoping that it goes well. :D

On another bright side, I got more music!!! I can't seem to put it on my phone though, so I can't listen to it. I'm working on it.

I'm in yet another good mood today, if you couldn't tell. No idea why, maybe it's the "school break spirit"! :D
But I'll take it!

My abs are still sore from Friday. But this is good, as it means I have been building muscle! :D I can't wait to continue on in the season, get stronger, perform. It will be so much fun.

Now it's time to blast the music and get cleaning!! ^_^ (and go for a run) :D

Therapy

Well. Like the title says, I went to therapy this morning.
Not actual therapy, but she just talked to me, got to know me, and I her. She wanted to know what it was that I wanted help with, I told her the anxiety and mood swings. She wanted to know what caused the anxiety, and the frequency of the mood swings. I said my dad caused the anxiety (and though I didn't say it, eating causes it too), and that the mood swings could be anything.
For example, I can wake up in the morning and be happy. Be excited, and energetic, and wonderful. Then about 3 hours later, with no warning, I can come crashing down. I can just hate the world, not want to talk to anyone, not want to do anything, just wanting to sit alone. And then I'll get my mood back to happy later.
Or I can just be down for a few days, or happy for a full day. It's unpredictable, and I told her so.
She said that as a "homework" assignment, assuming I wanted to see her again, I should write down my mood swings, and the correspondence to exercise. I should also write down when I get anxiety. That'll be fun.
I don't know if I want to see her again. She didn't say anything that made me not want to see her again, but I don't entirely know what I should be looking for in a therapist. What would be considered a good therapist for me. I don't know what I need. I don't know how to determine if she might be good for me, or if she might be able to help me control the mood swings and the anxiety. Of course, she doesn't know about the eating, nor does she know about the intensity of the lows that I can experience (i.e. self harm, suicidal thoughts, etc.) I don't expect her to know. I mean, that isn't the kind of thing that you generally tell people when you first meet them.

Of course, the distance is a little difficult too. It took us an hour to get there, and an hour back. Now, that might not seem like much, but to do that maybe twice a week, on top of Colorguard and the workouts that I really want to start up with during the week... yeah. That's a lot and a far way to go. I don't know if I should try to find someone closer, but I think I might. Not that she's a bad person, but maybe it would be nice to get someone closer. If I were to meet with her during the week, it would take me an hour to get there(4pm), an hour meeting, so that would be 5, and an hour and a half to get back to my dad's. That would put me at just getting home at 7. I am afraid it would interfere with my school and doing homework, things like that.

Has anyone ever been in therapy? That might be able to answer any of these questions or anything like that?
I feel like I don't know anything. xD

Almost the weekend!

One thing I have to say.... I MISS MY MUSIC. SO much.
Nobody turned in my Ipod, and now that my phone is kinda sorta broken, I don't have any music. I've been missing it so much. I have realized just how much I rely on my music to get me through the day.
But it's almost the weekend, I think I can manage.

I have about 2 more periods to go, and then I get to go to Colorguard! I'm helping my friend. And I'm so happy to be back where I belong. Guard has become a home. When I perform, I know that people are watching me. They are there to see me. And my team, but you know what I mean! She has our song already picked out as well, and I love it. I'll post it below, and you can all love it too!

I have gotten back into the habit of Chem, so I'm not behind in them or anything much anymore. We're actually doing something that I understand, so it's a little better for me. Right now, I'm supposed to be in Spanish, but we're watching a movie, and I decided to come to the library and work. I'm doing chem right now, and then I'm going to work on Algebra. So I'm getting there.

My good mood has stuck around! :D I don't know how or why, but it has! And I'm counting the periods, can't wait!!

This is the song we're doing our guard routine to! Does anyone else like this song as much as I do??

Friday!

Wednesday I went shopping, and that is never good for my self esteem. Especially not this week, but I do have to say... it wasn't entirely bad.

I got some new jeans, which I was in need of. This made me pretty happy.
So wearing a pair of those jeans today, I must say.. I'm rocking them! :D

They make me feel good, oddly enough. And therefore, I'm in such a good mood!
I hope it sticks, we'll see.
I have my appointment tomorrow, and I hope that it goes well. I am super nervous, but I think I've got some of it down, and I've had some reassurances from some lovely people who have gone through this before. It's all made me a bit calmer about the whole thing.

I barely slept last night, it seemed that every time I got to sleep, if my arm touched any part of me, I woke up. If my leg touched any part of me, or any part of me was touching another part, I woke up. So you can probably imagine how little sleep I got. I woke up at 4 am this morning, totally awake. Ugh. I wasn't tired though, and I'm still not, so guess it couldn't be too bad.

I am happy that I can get a new phone without paying for it, and my dad had a somewhat freak out, because it's the only way to contact me when I'm not home. And my phone is the only communication keeping me sane right now. There's a couple people I talk to when I have meltdowns, or I'm wanting to self harm, or binge. And that will have to wait for 5 days. Ironically, I'm so happy that I don't even want to eat. I drank 1 liter of water this morning, and it's only 8. I intend to have coffee and water for lunch, and then I'm allowing myself sweet tea as a reward for doing well today. Not the best of methods, I know. But it's helping me cope. If I end up having to eat something, I am allowed an apple.
I have guard later as well, so that will take up 3 hours that I won't be able to eat. And of course I'll be having fun. So I'm pretty excited. I'm helping a friend of mine later, after school, so I won't be home then either. I'm happy to teach her how to throw tosses, and excited to have her in my season at school, as I know that we're going to have a great season!

That's pretty much it for what I'm doing today, and for once I'm super happy! :D
Today is a good day!
Hope that everyone out there is having a good day, and if you're not, then I hope your day gets better. ^_^

Letter

Dear ...... (as specifying names is an invasion of privacy)
You said that you would be there for me. And I, you. But I guess that that couldn't even stick.
When I first told you about my eating disorder, about the things in my head, you were concerned, you wanted to help. This was back when it would have been pretty easy for me to recover. I tried opening up to you, tried letting you help me. You were after all, my best friend.
But you pulled away, ignored my struggles. I have to believe that you cared, that something must have happened to make you pull away, shut me out. But I just don't know what. It started when you told me that I should "just eat". Like I was only not eating because I wanted attention. It was never like that. If you really knew me, then you'd know that I don't like attention, I don't like people noticing me, and I wasn't just doing this for attention. But maybe you didn't know me.
I got mad that you said that, and I got mad at the fights we had where you told me that I had to eat, and I said no. Not because it was an ed thing, but because I was genuinely not hungry. I tried explaining it to you,  but you didn't understand. I didn't understand it either, so I guess I couldn't really expect you to understand. I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted to know that I meant something to someone, enough to fight for. I wanted someone who wouldn't just take my word for everything, someone to see that I was breaking, though trying to be strong.
When you told me "You don't want to get better. If you did, you'd just eat, and you wouldn't have an "eating disorder" and that I just wasn't trying hard enough, I knew that you were beyond the ability to understand. It wasn't just the words though, it was the body language, the way you stopped hanging out with me, the way you never asked me if I was okay, the way you ignored me when I cried. When you just told me that I was overreacting.
So I got mad, mad that you couldn't help me, mad that you weren't fighting for me, mad that I couldn't be okay. And mad that you were just giving up, not giving a shit. So I pushed you away, to avoid getting hurt, but I was already hurt. I know that I never should have let you in, never should have trusted you. You were just like everyone else.
I haven't been honest with you in about 4 months. I've lied, and lied some more. But you didn't notice. We stopped hanging out, our conversations stopped happening. Because I couldn't talk to you knowing that I was going through so much, and that you didn't care. I understand that you had stuff going on the same as I did, with your family, but I would have thought that you could have at least asked about how I was doing.
But you never did. You still don't.
We aren't friends anymore, not really. You're mad at me, the same as I'm mad at you. But I don't know what I did. I guess it doesn't matter though. We still won't be friends. It has become impossible.
I think we've grown apart, and while I understand it, it still hurts. I needed a best friend. But whatever.
I'm glad to know that I could could count on you when I did, but I know that it's over.
It was nice knowing you, and though I might be mad at you, I hope you have a good life, and do good on the swim team.
-Camille

Update

This week has been so up and down, and more down than up.
I promised myself that I was going to restrict, that I would lose weight, by Saturday.
But every time I got pressured into food, or something happened and I ended up straying from my meal plan. Big surprise.
So as I don't want to recount every single day, I'll just kinda lump sum it all together.
Monday: Binge, exercising it off. Major anxiety attack, semi-breakdown.
Tuesday: Normal day. Ate more than usual, but not too much. Had a little anxiety, but nothing major.
Wednesday: Binge, attempt at purging (still failing), so I ran and jumped a bit, trying to burn off the calories, and when that didn't work, self harmed.
Thursday: Binge, still can't purge, self harm.
Friday: NO IDEA. I don't even want to know.

I know that I have gained weight. There is no avoiding that, considering the failure that I am. The above proves it. I'm only writing this down because I feel like maybe if I know that other people can see how horrible I am, then I won't be so bad in the future.

I don't know.

I have my counseling appointment on Saturday, and honestly, I don't know if I can hold on until then. I'm falling apart... though I didn't know I could break any more than I was already broken.
My anxiety is through the roof, my mood swings keep getting more frequent. I told my grandma about my anxiety and mood swings, though not about the ED. She said that it is possible that I might have Bipolar Disorder. I don't want it. I don't want to be bipolar. I just want to be normal... It's so confusing.

My phone also broke/froze today. So I can't call/text anyone. The good news is that I had a warranty on it as I had gotten it in March, so I can get a replacement phone mailed to me, without paying for it. Sometime in the next 5 days.

I have been thinking about writing a letter or two... as like.. letters of things I need to say to people, but can't say to their face. I find that the anger is killing me inside that I can't say these things, but the problem has so far passed that it wouldn't make sense to say it to them now. I think I might write one when I'm done with this post. Just because I need to get it off my chest, and I can't say any of it to her.

I started guard, we have practice again tomorrow, and that is good. I am excited. I feel so experienced since we have a lot of new people, and I love the instructors. They are so different than the ones I had last season. I can't wait. At the same time, I hope that I don't get too caught up in everything that's happening with me, so that I can't focus on guard. I can't wait until we start competing.

I have a break soon!! Tomorrow is FRIDAY!! I am so excited, I need it soo bad. I will just have time to relax, and then I have a week off, to kinda recover, and try to stabilize myself. The downside of that though is that I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands, a lot of avoiding eating at my dad's. This will prove to be difficult, but I have to. I can't stand another week like this.

I don't even know how much sense this is making. Or any at all. I just had to get everything out there. Seems to be my only healthy way of coping as of the last yearish.

I hope that Saturday goes well.
I don't know how much longer I can stay strong under all of this.

Interesting Season

Colorguard. I had a really good practice, we've only got about 3 new people to our teem, well 2 Freshman and a new Senior. So as it is right now, I think all will be well. I really like the instructor, she teaches in such a different want than our previous instructor. She is teaching us new things, even though it's just the first day.

There is a girl joining our team though. Her name won't be put on this blog. She's a Freshman, and easily the skinniest, smallest person I see. At first I thought that she might have an ED, but no. At least I don't think. I think she is just that skinny. Just that little.

I found myself watching her, envious for the first time in a while. It was what I wanted to be, not where I'm trying to go, because I'd look so disgusting at such a low weight, but just something I'd envied. It was very triggering, and I know that she is going to be on my team for the entire season.

I don't exactly think that is a bad thing... but to everyone else.. it might be.

She's in a way... My real life thinspiration. So shallow. I know. But this is who I've become.

I talk to my counselor tomorrow, at the school. Maybe. She hasn't said anything about it to me since I came into her office last week, since she recommended a counselor to my grandma. If she wants to talk, we can talk, but she won't like my answers.

I am trying to hold on until Saturday. Just one day at a time. Tomorrow, the week will already be half over. And I will have achieved 0 of my goals.

Taken steps backward.

Let things get out of control, while knowing the consequences.

Thoughts in my head are spiraling in a very dangerous direction lately. I can't be alone with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes, or there is no telling what will happen.

I hope I can get some of my self control and determination back. SOON. I can do this. I will do this. I am not giving up yet, even though it feels like I want to so very much.

I'm off to bed. I'm so tired it's not even funny. Or it is, because everything is funny when I'm tired. But I've still gotta drink water. So off to drink some water, and then go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day, I do after all, only have a half-ish day. And that means I'm 1 day closer to my week long break!! :D And that much closer to going to Hawaii. :D I'm so excited!!!!

Can you tell?

Anyways. Off topic. And rambling. Again.

Good night ^_^

Anxiety and Anger

Uhh... How to explain what has happened?

I had done really well today, I had a bagel this morning for breakfast, and a cookie for a snack later in the day. I have Colorguard tonight, so that would have put me in the negative calories... Which means WEIGHTLOSS!!!!

But then I got home, and my family made me eat something for "dinner" since I'll get home late tonight. I had a burrito... Not too bad. (130)
But then I figured as it couldn't really get much worse, I could just eat something else. Bad mistake. It quickly turned into a binge.

I ended up with a total of 1183 calories. Holy shit. Every bite that it took me to eat all of that.... I just want to scream and puke. Or punch a wall and puke. Or exercise and puke. Anything.
I am breaking down, I'm such a mess right now. I can't stay like this... I can't taste the regret in my mouth... My stomach literally feels sick right now. Like... "I want to reject all of the food" sick.... I wish I could purge... but my grandma is sitting in the room next to the bathroom.. she'd hear. Hell, she's even in the bathroom now.
Ugh.

I can't even write the thoughts that are going through my head right now. I just can't. They're too horrible. They need to be kept inside. I hate this. I feel out of control, like it happens wayy to often. I just want to die.

I know that I have guard tonight, so I'll burn some of the calories off... but nowhere near how good I was doing. I hate this. I can't wait till Saturday.

Slipping

I just had a shell shock.
I've always been a straight A's student. Always done my best. I've never had an F, or a D. Though I had a C my freshman year of High School. It was in Government, what can I say?

I looked at my grades.... Up till today..... Here they are.
Psychology - C (74.47%)
CollegePrep English - C (77.62%)
Chemistry - C (77.33%)
Spanish - B (88.44%)
Honors World History - C (70.03%)
Algebra II Honors - A (90%)

The only classes that I'm doing any good in are Algebra and Spanish.... But damn.

I know I've not been doing so much work in classes as normal, I've been a little down and distracted. It's like... I go in there ready to work, excited to learn, and then about half way through the class period, I can't do any of the work, I don't understand any of it, and then when I ask my teacher for help, she just confuses me more. I thought that it was going well, not bad, but okay. Like I was bullshitting my way through enough of it.
I knew that my grades were slipping, but not THAT much.

I have to do something about this. I'm not missing any assignments in the classes, it's just doing bad on projects and tests. Ugh. I feel so bad now. I didn't think it was this bad. :/

Psychology!!

I have a Psychology test today, in about 20 ish minutes! I'm so excited, because I've studied so hard for it, and I think I'll do well.

I think today is just going to be an eh day. Not bad, but not overly good either.
I am trying to keep my mood happy, though I lost my Ipod. Yep. Yesterday. No idea how. It like crushed me, as that is my life. It would seem really melodramatic  but if you knew me, you'd know it's quite true. I live for that, with that. Always.

I have Colorguard today!! Super excited! I am gonna do amazing, and get where I want to be, and this season will be amazing!! (More on that later though)

My thoughts are everywhere. I am in anticipation of Friday. I want the weekend again, and then a week off!! ^_^ Doesn't everyone?

Just randomly excited today for some reason, thought I'd share it with the world.
Anyone starting to understand why I tick the way I do?
(Been wanting to say that for a while, just had to find the appropriate time! ^_^)

IN NOT TOO LONG I'LL BE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've actually been here before, took a pic just like this!! ^_^

I'M EXCITED!!!!! Can you tell? (:

"I'm just a girl..

Trying to find a place in this world."

The lyrics right here. They are the best. I love Taylor Swift ^_^

Anyways,. hi.

Just a quick update about my boring life..

It's Monday, and of course I don't want to be in school. My head is a bomb waiting to go off. It went off somewhat last night, and I ranted to my friend, even though for her it was like 5 am. I thank her for that. But otherwise I just have insane mood swings. Going from happy to pissed off almost instantaneously. And of course there is so much anger from things left unsaid.
I've been wondering what to do about that. Maybe i'll write it out here in the form of a letter, just say everything that I need to say. Because I can't, of course, tell the two people it's directed at. The event has so far passed that it wouldn't even make sense, but somehow I can't let go.

I don't have a break on Wednesday, I missed the date, and it's actually next Monday that I get a break. I have a whole week, and I don't want to do it.
Day by day, I know that I will get through it, if only because I have to.

Wednesday I am supposed to talk to my school Counselor, and that might be the last time I see her.
My grandma is having me evaluated for a therapist on Saturday, I hope that goes well. I don't know exactly what I want to tell her yet. I want help with my mood swings and my anxiety, but i'm afraid that if I tell her about the anxiety, she'll want to know the trigger, and I don't know what to tell her. I have no idea what to expect, so I guess there isn't any point in worrying about it. I can't change it, and who knows, she may just try to get to know me. I have no idea.

I hate that people can read this. So far I haven't had anyone from my school or anyone that knows me here read my blog. I don't mind it when other people read it. I love it, in fact. I just get really nervous when people from my school, or my friends read it. I don't exactly know why. I guess it isn't something I can really control.

I've been feeling really shaky today, and almost sick. I ate breakfast this morning, even though I wasn't hungry. It was a metabolism booster. But then about an hour later, I was hungry again. I almost gave into it and went to get something to eat, but I've resisted. I know that my body doesn't need the food, as I gave it food. But I have lunch in about an hour, and I never eat it. This whole diet thing isn't going very well. I can't keep my head straight, not that I've really given it an honest effort. I think i'm going to start today. I found a new technique (however unhealthy) that I want to try. I know it takes time, but I really want to do it.

I start Colorguard tomorrow. I am so excited. But at the same time, I feel a little scared at how much time it is going to take up. Scared that i'll get behind in school, not study enough, and it'll take a toll on my classes. Even as i'm writing this now, I am supposed to be working on a paper about Pornography and Obscenity. I get distracted pretty easily, sometimes anyways.

I'm feeling like everything is so busy, and I don't like it, but I don't dislike it either. Guess we will have to see how the rest of the day goes.

Saturday!

God, this week went by so fast. I feel like it shouldn't be a weekend. I don't even remember half of what I did this week, but now it's a weekend, and I'm gonna enjoy that!

I don't have any plans, but I think I'm going to make today a study day/chore day. I feel in that mood. Where I want to move, but don't want to do anything.

Last night. Well last night, I got really mad at a friend of mine.
The only thing I had eaten yesterday was an apple until about 5 pm. Then my dad wanted to go out to eat, which I thought was okay, because I hadn't eaten anything, and hell. I was hungry. So we went to Outback Steakhouse, and I got a wonderful steak! I loved it, it was very good, and something I had noticed later, was that it was 500 calories or less! So not even bad! But the "full" feeling afterwards, left me with a bunch of anxiety and I was so scared I was going to gain the little weight that I had lost back.
I tried talking to a friend about it, just to get some insight, to get my thoughts out, and she just ignored me, ignored how I was feeling. So I ignored her. I hate people like that. I can't stand them.
I want to find one person.. just one.. who doesn't go back on their words, or lie, or leave once they find out what you're going through. Just one person that sticks by you. But maybe I'm dreaming.

Anyways, no negativity!
I am so excited for this weekend and next week! I have 3 days next week, and then about a week for break!!!! I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do something! I am looking forward to having a week to just relax, and then I have like 2 -3 weeks of school, and another break, and then a vacation right after that!!! So I'll have a good o' time just enjoying the 80 degree weather while it's only like 20 degrees here!! Muahahaha! :D

I am supposed to talk to my counselor on Wednesday, she said she wanted to discuss my eating habits. The day after she said that, I was terrified. I didn't want to tell her. By that weekend, I was a little less terrified. And here I am a week later, and I just don't think it really matters. Like I don't think it matters what I tell her, I am still going to be doing this for myself. So I guess I'll just answer whatever questions she asks, and go with the flow. I have lost about 2 lbs since then. It's a shame, I know. But it's true. Maybe by Wednesday, I can be at my first goal weight. Not gonna focus on it though, as that usually jinx's it. I'm just gonna go with it and focus on my next break!! :D :D :D

I have been having insane mood swings. Like I'll start my day by being really optimistic, and happy, and energetic. Then about 3 hours later, with no warning or trigger, I'll just feel really tired, and low, and angry, or anxious. Or pissed off. Or all 5. But then I can go back to being normal, or neutral, a few hours later, or I can just get over it and become really happy again. I don't know why, and I don't like/dislike these mood swings, they're just really hard to keep up with.

I need some new music on my Ipod. And I'm having such a hard time finding any good music. On Tuesday, I started missing Taylor Swift, which is odd. I haven't listened to her music in over 3 years? I think. I just didn't and now here I am wanting to listen to it again. Haha :D
But seriously. I need new music!! >.<

Anyways, I'm off to go do my chores and do homework. It wont do itself after all. Woo! (: Today is a good day!

I'm so indecisive.

If you had asked me what path I was on a year and a half ago, I would have told you that I was working to do everything I could to get good grades for college. I would have told you that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I have plans for my future, with a clear plan to get there. I would have told you that those girls who focus on appearance only are shallow, that there are better things to life. I would have told you that my favorite thing to do is play my violin, to write poetry, to sing at the top of my lungs and dance in public, even if I embarass myself.

If you had asked me 6th months ago, I would have said that I wouldn't be so stressed out, but that I would still be working to get good grades for college. I would have told you that friends were nice to have around, that they are my rocks. I would have told you that I hated to run. I would have told you that my favorite food was ribs, or chicken, and that I loved music. I would tell you about all the crazy things that I do with my friends, and how much I love them. I would have told you that even though I don't play my violin anymore, I want to pick it back up, to get better, allow that to become a source of beauty and relief for me.

Now here I am.... 2 years later... And if you ask me what I am like..
I can't really tell you.
I no longer place the same importance on school. I still think it's important, but I know that if I get a bad grade, it's not the end of the world. I don't study as much as I used to. I don't stress about everything as much as I used to.
I don't keep my friends around anymore. I have stopped talking to most of them, for one reason or another. I have pushed a lot of them away, because they can't understand what i'm going through, they no longer wish to talk to me. And I have also pushed them away because I don't want to depend on them. I can't depend on them. That means i'll get hurt.
EVERYONE is the same.
Every time someone says "I'm different, I won't hurt you, you can trust me" or some variation thereof, I do. And then I always get hurt. I get left, or pushed away, or stabbed in the back. I've yet to meet one friend who is different. I know that's bad to say that everyone is like that, but i've yet to meet someone who proves that wrong.
I love to run now. If I didn't have running, i'm pretty sure that i'd go insane, just because running is numbing. I can relax, not think, breathe, when i'm running. The incessant worries in my head aren't beating me down, I don't have a low self esteem. Running is for me. And me only. it's the only numbing mechanism that I have right now.
I no longer have a favorite food. If I like something, I give it up. I release it, push it away, learn to hate it. Because I don't deserve to be happy. No, that's not right. I don't have the energy to be happy. Like... I feel bad for being happy when I can't accomplish my goal. Or even come close. Like it's a reward for failing - so I can't have it.
I don't do anything crazy with my friends anymore. I don't even have any friends anymore. Let's see. I had about 3. My "best friend" told me that if I wanted to get over my ED, then I just had to eat. She told me that I was stuck in this because I wanted to be. She said that there wasn't really anything wrong with me. And when I tried to talk to her, when I needed her, she just ignored me. Some friend.
The other ones just turned their heads, wouldn't listen to me when I tried to reach out to them. One lied to me and told me that she'd had an Eating Disorder. She didn't. I heard her talking about how she was lying and how I believed her. Whatever. I don't know how I can keep letting people in, how many times I can be walked all over, and shoved around, before I just say that enough is enough.

It still shocks me, how much I have changed in 6 months. I am now one of those girls who I used to think was shallow. I am the very person I swore never to become. I am it.

I tried getting better. I tried letting go of my ED, being healthy, all of it. I tried being okay. But I guess in my heart, I really didn't want to be, because I failed. And now that i've failed, i'm finding myself hesitant to accept the outcome, the pact that I had made to just throw my hands up. I am finding that I don't want to, but at the same time, I do. I don't know how to discern what I want. I feel like every emotion is just raging around inside of me, but at the same time, i'm numb. Empty. Purposeless. I don't know.

I am so indecisive. I wish I could cry. I am so accustomed to holding my tears in, because they make me weak, that I have forgotten how to cry. My throat is burning as I write this, I feel the prick behind my eyes of unshed tears, but yet no tears can fall. I don't even know anymore. I am so tired of thinking, of plotting, of lying, of talking, of telling the truth, or trying to explain, of being myself. I just want out.
**Don't worry. I don't mean suicide.

I just want to be outside myself. I want to not have to think about this. Or maybe I don't. I don't know anymore.

Finally Home

Today was more of just a normal day.
I don't think I did too bad on my History test. There were some things that I didn't know, but overall, I don't think I did bad. Which is surprising for me.

I don't have a lot of homework today either. Just some stuff from yesterday. And tomorrow I get to sleep in, and It's also my D.O.D. (Day of deciding). If I have reached my goal of losing 6 lbs by tomorrow, I continue on this path. (Drinking 3 liters of water, exercising when I can, eating once a day.) But if I haven't reached that goal, I'm giving up. Giving in. I've been trying far too long to get better, and seeing no results. So tomorrow is my last day of this indecision.

I also get to find out tomorrow if my grandma is going to put me in therapy. I don't know how I feel about that one. I think it could be good, but also that it could be very bad.

My life hasn't been too interesting lately. Just focusing on school and remembering to eat, mostly.
I started looking at colleges and finding some that offer Forensic Science majors. I had no idea that it was so hard. But I'm enjoying it. I feel like I have a purpose again. I've also been drawn into music.

***If anyone has any good music recommendations, I'd love to hear them!! Leave a comment!***

Here's a song i'm currently obsessed with (: just thought i'd share!

Update!

It’s a good day.

I’m so scared to go home, scared of what’ll happen. I want the help from the clinic, but I am so scared of what my family will think.

I don’t have anything to do today for school, but I know that when I get home, I’ll remember what it is I’m forgetting. Today is pretty relaxing, actually. I have a test in 6^th period that I’m pretty sure I’m gonna fail, but I can’t really get a worse grade in that class than I already have. I tried to study but couldn't focus much, and then I forgot about it later.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and that’s when I get to find out my results. I’m excited but at the same time, I’m terrified because I want to be okay. I want to get to my goal, but it seems so far away. I've had my headphones in all day, and I have to say, it’s amazing. (:

It’s helped to calm me down a lot, and though I still get irritated over everything, I don’t have the “I want to rip the heads off of little children” attitude that I had yesterday. I think i'm finally realizing the impact of everything, finally getting the reality check that's been waiting around the corner.

Sorry this doesn't make much sense, but I wanted to write something. I feel l little calmer now. Hm.

Gotta love Tumblr!

I saw this on Tumblr, and wanted to re-blog it. But just so I give credit where it's due... I also found this on Izzy's Blog.

Re-blog and bold what applies to you:

• I'm loud
• I'm sarcastic
• I cry easily
• I have a bad temper sometimes
• I'm easy to get along with
• I  have more enemies than friends.
• I've smoked.
• I drink coffee!
• I clean my room daily.

My appearance

• I wear makeup
• I wear a piece of jewelry at all times.
• I wear contacts
• I wear glasses
• I have braces
• I change my hair color often.
• I have small feet.

Relationships:

• I'm in a relationship.
• I'm single.
• I'm crushin'.
• I've missed an ex before.
• I'm always scared of being hurt.
• I've told someone I love them when I didn't.
• I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
• I've been in love more than 2 times.
• I believe in love at first sight.

Friendships

• I have a best friend.
• I have at least 10 REAL FRIENDS.
• I've gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
• I've beaten up a friend.
• I've been in a serious fight with a friend.
• I can trust at least five people with my life.
• I have a couple friends THAT I LOVE.

Experiences:

• I've been on a plane.
• I've taken a taxi.
• I've taken a city bus.
• I've taken a school bus.
• I've made a speech.
• I've been in some sort of club.
• I've spent 24 hours on the computer straight.
• I've spent close to 24 hours on the computer straight.

Music:

• I listen to R&B.
• I listen to techno.
• I listen to screamo.
• I listen to rock.
• I download music.
• I buy CD's.

Family Life:

• I get along with both of my parents for the most part.
• I get along with one of my parents for the most part.
• My biological parents are still together.
• I have at least one brother.
• I have at least one sister.
• I've been kicked out of my  house.
• I've run away from home.
• I've sworn at my parents.
• I've made my parents cry.
• I've lied to my parents.
• I've lied to my parents about where I am.
• I've lied to my parents about what I am doing.
• I've lied to my parents so that I'd be allowed out.
• I can't lie to my parents.

Hair:

• I've got brown hair.
• I've dyed my hair crazy colors.
• I've had streaks.
• I've cut my hair in the past year.
• I've dyed my hair in the past year.
• I've been blonde.
• I've had black hair.
• I've had red hair.
• I've had light brown hair.
• I use conditioner.
• I've curled my hair.
• I've straightened my hair.

Mental health

So... Talking to my counselor was almost a complete fail.

I went in and told her about my day, how I had woken up at 4 am, totally awake, and had a good day, until my 4th class. Then I told her how my energy just went down and I didn't give a shit, and then how I was ditching my last two classes.

We talked about my mood swings for about 5 minutes, and she said that she was going to refer me to a mental healthy clinic for "depression" which I don't think I have... Most days.

I know this is going to sound really messed up, but I'm all for honesty here if nowhere else.
I want help with my mood swings. I want help with my anxiety. I don't want to have to deal with those anymore. but I don't want help with  my eating. I am not ready to give that up yet, because I haven't reached my goal, and honestly, what I'm doing doesn't even qualify as an Eating Disorder anymore.

Here's what a typical day for me looks like.
Wake up (6am - 7am depending on the day)
Drink about half a liter of water, while getting ready for school (6 - 6:20am)
Leave for school, spend about half an hour taking buses to get to school. (6:30am - 7am)
Free time at school (7am - 8am)
Drink lots more water while going through mindless wok in school (8am - 3 pm)
Spend another hour and a half on the bus going home (3:30pm - 5pm)
Chores/drink more water time (5pm - 5:30pm)
Free time/ homework time/drink more water time (6pm - whenever I go to bed)

I usually don't eat in a day, other than dinner. I drink tons of water, and I try to stay active.
I am mostly okay.

Here's the weird part though... When I say I'm scared of getting help, it's not that I'm scared of what they can do for me. No. I don't care too much about them. I'm scared of my family.

My dad is so judgmental, I can't imagine what he would think of me. And my grandparents would make a bigger deal out of it than it already is, so that's why I'm scared of them..
I feel trapped. I don't know how to feel, how to react.

I am not sure I like where this is going...

Crazy

I feel like I never know how my day is going to go. Like I'm just walking through it blind.

This weekend I was really happy, and then today, I'm just like eh.... I can't seem to do anything, or find the energy to care. I am just a walking person, going through the motions.

I woke up at 4 am this morning, fully awake and hyperish. I couldn't get out of bed, but I just wanted to go run and jump and I wasn't tired at all. When it finally neared 6, I got up, and started getting ready for school. I really didn't want to go today.

Most of my day went well, I had a headache and just wanted to be left alone though.
During my Chemistry class, I couldn't focus on the work. I couldn't do it. So I just bullshitted my way through the class, and when I went to my next class, I had already decided that I would wait till the end of that class (Spanish) and then just ditch the rest of my day. Which is what I'm doing now, trying to calm down and breathe and make it through my day so I can go home. I don't have any work to do, I don't have anything that needs to be done, I just want to sit and breathe.

I have been really shaky all day, and maybe that's because I purged last night, and then didn't eat anything else, but this morning I was shaky and felt like I was gonna pass out. I managed to shove a cookie down my throat eat a cookie, and that stopped the hunger. I feel a little better now, but my mood and my state haven't improved much.

I want to go talk to my counselor, but we don't have anything scheduled until next week, and I don't want to bother her. I'm unsure, but maybe it's worth a shot. I just hope she doesn't send me back to class, I can't go. I can't.

I need to breathe, and I am so anxious for Wednesday. In a good and bad way.
I had a fight with my friend A, about my plans and everything, but I don't think I want to let her in with this yet. Or ever. I am such a mess. I'll have to write more about that later, but for now, I'm just gonna breathe and try to talk to my counselor.

Exercise!

I woke up earlyish this morning, and I thought that today was just gonna be another day that I would have nothing to do, but it didn't!!

I went to breakfast, and it was very nice. I didn't have an anxiety attack, and I was able to just eat. When I got home, I went back to walking 6 miles. So I've walked a total of 12 miles this weekend! It feels GREAT!!

Wednesday is so close. I am both excited for it and dreading it. But I'll have to see what happens. I've been doing so well this weekend, drinking 3 liters of water a day, walking 6 miles a day. It's great.

Now, it's time to go study. I hate weekends when I have to study. I can't wait until the 15th when I get 2 weeks of break from school. Then I have a break in December, and one in January when I go to Hawaii. Man, I am so excited!!!

Exercising isn't as horrible as I thought it would be. And this surprises me. I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog, but if anyone does and they have any exercises and tips to share, I'd love to hear them!! :D

Hope everyone had a good weekend, I know I did!

Lazy day/Study day

I don't know what today is. I don't have any books to read, so then I can just sit, but at the same time, it's a day when I want to do things, when I NEED to do things.

I have no work to do for school, which I guess is a good thing, but I also wish I had something to do, because I hate when I'm bored.
None of my friends can hang out today, and I need something to do.

I've started working with Lovely Bones to drink more water, and to eat healthily, because I went off the deep end yesterday and things got really scary. They've been scary, but this was by far the lowest I've ever gotten. So she helped a lot. We are currently on a challenge to drink at least 3 liters of water a day, and eating once a day or more. It's working really well. I can already feel myself getting more active because I have more water in my diet. I ran a mile yesterday, and I didn't pass out, so that's a bonus.

This came as a result of a promise that I'm going to get extreme if I didn't see any weight loss, because when I weighed myself yesterday, I weight more, so I had gained weight. So I promised that I would get extreme, and she asked me to try this with her for the weekend and if it didn't work, then we could both get extreme.

I promised.

I can do this.
It's a last ditch effort.
I no longer have anything to lose.

So today, I am just going to take it easy, and do what I can. (:

Running

I remember when I used to hate running. I would groan and throw a fit every time I had to go running.
I actually used to love to run, until I turned 12 and 13ish and hit puberty.
After that, any chance of me running went to hell.

But something has changed. I love running now, it's the only thing that keeps me sane. It's the only healthy way I have to cope, but even then, if I abuse it how healthy can it be?

I'm trying to build up my running stamina, which is really hard because I can't run that far, thanks to my asthma. And since I usually run on an empty stomach or right after I've eaten, so it doesn't help too much.

But I love running now. it's my refuge. It's the only thing that I have to keep me okay.
I am working on setting my personal record for running a mile, it's great! I love running now, and I wish more people could feel the way I do.

This is what I usually wear when I go running, and I get SO many weird looks. I actually got stared at while I was running earlier, it was more creepy than happy. I guess I was excited that they wanted to watch me, and I kinda felt like showing off. ^_^

Searching for the light

I've hit a few hard points recently. I don't know if they're gonna stick or not, or if they're fleeting.

I'm so scared to write this here, to write what's gone on in the past few days. Like people will see it and think less of me. And I know eventually Cimiron will see this, and I don't want him to worry... I want to be okay, for him, and for myself. I don't want him to have to deal with this, to be effected by this. I don't want him to know about this, but at the same time, I do. I don't want to talk about this. :/

But I need to.

Well... *takes deep breath* Here goes. Please don't think less of me, I want to come out stronger on the other side, my tunnel is just long.

So about 4 days ago, I had a major lapse in judgement, control, sanity. Everything, really. I ended up self harming a lot... for everything I ate. I am still watching the cuts heal, the pain. It's ridiculous and I'm so ashamed of it. It was a theory that if I punished myself, I wouldn't want to eat. So my little deal was that I could eat if I cut one time for every bite. I can't even tell you how much I KNOW this is wrong. I really do.

Anyways, everything was pretty much good after that, I was able to watch what I ate, but I didn't restrict, I was okay. Then yesterday I ended up eating a lot, and I felt really bad when I got home, so my first instinct was to self harm. And as I was getting ready to, I remembered a promise I made to a friend of mine. That promise was that I would text him if I felt the need to self harm. So I did. And that's how I spent my night, basically. I texted him, and he gave me advice, and he talked me down, and even today, he talked to me, and helped me. I owe him everything, he's amazing. He has no reason to help me. He's never met me. He could just tell me to deal with it and get over it, but instead, he just helped. I don't know how.

Today went a little better, but not by much. I still ate a lot, and I wanted to scream and jump and cry because I have a weigh-in tomorrow and I'm so scared that I won't lose weight. If I don't, I'm afraid of what'd happen. I need this.
I went to go for a run earlier, after I had dinner and fought with my dad. He was mad because he misunderstood where I was when I asked him to pick me up. But nonetheless, I had a good dinner, but felt really bad afterwards.
I went for a run as soon as I got home. I managed to run almost a mile, but I had a few moments where I felt light headed and felt like I was going to pass out. I'm pretty sure if I had finished the quarter of the lap that I was running, I'd have passed out. So I came home, drank a lot of water, and here I am. I'm feeling a lot better now, but I want something. I don't know what.

No. That's a lie. I want someone to pay attention to me, I want to shine somewhere, feel good at something. I want something that makes me stand out, something that has nothing to do with appearance. Like... performing on stage. Something like that. Where people want to see me, where I'm the focus, where I'm special.
But I don't know how to get that.

I talked to my counselor at school, and she said that she was worried about me wanting to isolate myself, that I didn't care so much that I was failing classes. She said that in 2 weeks, she wants to talk to me about my eating habits. Like she wants to know what they are, and get an idea about them. That makes me really nervous, because my eating habits never fly with people. I don't think I have an Eating Disorder, but I've got some odd eating habits. I don't know if I want her to know, but I've got 2 weeks to worry about it. And then Thanksgiving Break! I'm sure you can imagine my reaction to that one.

I feel so weird. Jumbled, insane, crazy, happy, sad, pissed off, everything. I don't even know anymore.
If you read through all of that, congrats. I don't expect anyone to though.