Last day to Nowhere

My school counselor wanted to do a check up with me, after I talked with her last week. So I went to see her today, with no preset plan. I would simply tell her what I felt comfortable with, answer what questions she asked me.
I thought about telling her about my... plans. But I couldn't bring myself to.

Several times throughout the hour in which we talked, she would ask me if I wanted things to change. I said I didn't know anymore. I said that part of me wanted them to change, part of me didn't. But that the part that did want the change is overshadowed by the fact that I don't deserve it.
Her response? She basically said that she can't help me, and that nobody can help me unless I help myself. Which is exactly the problem.
I can't help myself.
If I could, would I be here?

Would I be doing what I'm doing right now?
The answer - no.

So thanks for nothing, I guess. I know you tried to help me, but you couldn't. Nobody can. I can't trust anyone anymore. And it's a lost cause anyways.
Maybe this blog can help fill in the gaps of my story when I'm no longer here to do it.

For all of you who read my blog:
Thank you to those of who who emailed me. Who talked to me, and who offered advice.
Thank you for all the positive comments that brought my spirit/mood up, if only for a little while.
Thank you for listening to everything I've said.
Thank you for being there for me.
If I ever hurt you, or didn't support you when I should have, or if I ever did or said anything that offended you, I'm sorry.
I really, truly, am sorry. But I can't say that enough.

I wrote my first post here, on 6/24/12. And now it's 3/22/13. That's a little less than a year that I've been here, but it's meant a lot to me. A place to just write out my thoughts, and be me. I've met so many wonderful people here, only one of which I've gotten to know in real life. But distance doesn't matter. The people do.

So thank you.

I sit here and think. I think some more.

I analyze everything.

Question everything.

Then decide that it doesn't matter.

My dad. My grandma. My grandpa. M. S. All the people from my blog. My brother. My boyfriend. Especially him.

I know. It's impossible not to know. But it changes nothing.

I can only hope for the best, in things I cannot control. I can control what I do, but not what they think.

I only hope they can someday understand.

You say that things will get better.
To just give it time.

No matter how long I wait, things are only getting worse.
You're wrong.

"How can you understand me when I can't understand myself?"

At the same time, it's impossible to ever understand someone entirely. And therefore you'll never know the whole story.

I've started reading 13 Reasons Why. This is one of my favorite books, and at the moment, and for quite a while I imagine, I can identify with Hannah Baker.
With the way she sees things, thinks, and just everything.

"But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head."

A few days ago, I couldn't stop thinking. No matter what I was doing, I thought. Now, I can't think anything. Or if I do, it's entirely meaningless. My head is empty; quiet.

"When you try rescuing someone, and discover that they can't be reached, why would you ever throw that back in their face?"

Whenever someone makes a negative comment about me, I never refute it. I just let it go, but silently agree with them in my head.
Other than my blog, nobody ever really knows how low I can get. And I hope to keep it that way.

"That's why you did it. You wanted your world to collapse around you. You wanted everything to get as dark as possible."
This quote is perfect.

I don't know if I want someone to pull me out of this. I don't think I deserve it. I'm angry, and i'm hurting. I want to find someone who wants to fight for me. I want to throw out every excuse I have, try with everything I have to push that person away, but then have them still standing there in the end. Someone who truly means it when they say they're not walking away. Someone to find me and save me from myself.
But I keep telling myself that I don't want saving.

I guess even I don't know myself.
And I really don't want saving.
I just want to go.
That thought comforts me.
Knowing I won't be here much longer.
Knowing I can do something for myself.
and knowing that maybe... Finally... I might have a chance at happiness.
Whatever that is.

I'm just a ghost.
Wash, rinse, repeat.

I'm just a shell - not even a person.
And I don't care anymore..

I'm not sure how it's possible...
But I feel really suicidal.

My legs look like a war zone, and I can't stop self harming.
I can't stop eating, and though to most people I'm not eating a lot, it feels like it to me.

The only other time I've felt this suicidal was when I OD'd.
I really want to just fucking die.

I'm always suicidal. Like it's always at the back of my mind, and it's always in my thoughts. But in a somewhat passive way.
Not anymore.
It's here, it's overwhelming, and I don't know what to fight for anymore.

Lovely Bones

Ever tried convincing someone they're useful, helpful, loved, appreciated and that they mean something to you when you can't even convince yourself of that?
It's so difficult.
But there are about 2 people in my life I'd do anything for. Absolutely anything, and I'd find a way to do it. They mean the world to me. One of them is Lovely Bones. She's smart, beautiful, talented, kind, and she means the world to me. I may never have met her, but I guess that doesn't matter.
I only wish she could see how amazing she is, herself.

I wonder if people wish that about me too?

I turned in some of my Math homework, but I failed a Spanish speaking quiz. I used to be so good at that class, and now I suck.
At least it's a Friday.
I'll probably head to the library after school, and then ask for a ride home since I have no way to get there otherwise. Oh, did I mention I lost $40 last week? Yeah... The forty bucks that get me everywhere since I don't have a car/my license yet. Pretty awesome, right? So nobody knows that I don't have it anymore, and therefore I just have to bullshit my way through the rest of this month. Woo.

That's just an update. I wanted to tell the world how amazing Lovely Bones' is. I consider her one of my closest friends, and she understand everything and helps me so much. I don't know where I'd be without her.

I went in to talk to my counselor at school today, to see if she could talk some of my teachers into giving me a few extensions  Just so that I can actually get work done. I would do the minimum, but my perfectionist self won't let me. Anyways, she said she'd email my teachers, and see what she could do. I really hope it works. I shouldn't need this because I should be good enough to do it on my own, and I don't need to be treated like some special case. I need this.

While I was in there, she asked me about how I was doing. She knows about everything. Or almost everything. She knows about my anxiety, my depression/mood swings, and my ED. I don't want her to know. She can't know. My problems are not important, and I shouldn't let her know. I don't really want to go back, but she asked me to come back next Friday, just so she can check in and see how i'm doing. I told her about how I was focusing on everything else, but not my problems. I didn't want to focus on my problems. And she said that she was worried about me, because all of this will catch up with me sooner than I think. I kinda got a little happy at knowing she worried about me, because that means I'm getting somewhere. It means there's something wrong with me, but at the same time, I don't want her to worry. I don't want her to know about my ED, I don't want anyone to know. I want to be strong enough to do this on my own. I don't want to want help, or support. If that makes any sense.

I'm working on turning things in, getting things done, and trying to finish it all before spring break. If I don't, I'll never let myself live it down. You have no idea. If I don't finish this before Spring break (in a week), or at least the majority of it, all hell is going to break loose. On myself. I refuse to be weak.

I need to be strong.
But I guess even my idea of strong is fucked up.


"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." - Salvador Dali

Except I will.

Venting

I really need to just vent... so this post is going to be filled with a lot of anger, nonsense, and probably complaints.***

This week has been hell. I missed school on Monday, because I had severe cramps. My period is pretty irregular (more health problems), so I only get these cramps once in a while. But it was bad, and I felt like throwing up the whole day. My point is, I went home. No school for me.
I was back in school on Tuesday, but didn't actually manage to accomplish anything. It was basically a wasted day because I couldn't focus. I had a panic attack in school, cried for the first time in forever, and stressed out more.
I missed school yesterday. I also had a Practice ACT (which, for anyone who doesn't know, basically preps me for the real test. The ACT is basically what determines if I'm good enough and smart enough to get into college. The higher your score, the more colleges will accept you. It's also proven that the practice ACT improves your score on the actual ACT.) and I missed it. Go figure. Sometime in the night, the power went out, and my alarm clock reset, which also reset my alarm. So I didn't wake up till really late, and I missed all but one of my classes that day. (I only had 4 classes that day). So I just ditched the rest of the day and stayed home, cleaning my house, doing my laundry, and I managed to do a little bit of homework. Figures, right?
Today has been the worst day of this week so far. Teachers keep assigning projects, tests, and important things. So even more stress - yay! I woke up late today too, because my alarm once again decided to shut itself off, and therefore I missed my 2nd hour. I have 6 classes today, so only missing one, not too bad, right? Except that this morning, we were supposed to have an ACT strategy session. I could so use that, but again, I missed it. And I missed my first two classes. Ugh.
On top of that, I had to walk to school, because they are doing construction near my house (which started today, and I didn't know about it). My school is 5.7 miles away from my school. Which is why I missed my third hour, and my lunch. It was good exercise, but it pissed me off. What the hell?
Tomorrow wont be much better. I'm sill gonna be failing almost all of my classes, have a ridiculous amount of work to do, and no time to do it.
I have guard tonight from 5-9 and therefore no time to do anything. I guess I'll just keep going, pretend that I'm fine.
When in all reality, I'm not.

I need to stop cutting, I keep doing it too much, and I am running out of space to cut. I don't know anymore.
I want out of my life, out of my head, out of everything. I want out of my life.

The Eye of The Stom

I've been trying to kid myself for these past few weeks.
Saying that things are chaotic and busy, and stressful, and that's why I can't talk to Cimiron.
But in reality, I don't want to talk to him because I'm hurt.
I'm angry and I'm hurt, but I don't feel validated, so I say nothing, and keep it all inside.
I make excuses, avoid what I know, much favoring to look over it.
I pretend that everything is okay.

But it's not.
I knew long distance relationships were hard.
I may not have known what I was getting myself into, but I wanted to take the risk anyways.
And I can honestly say that I love him with all my heart, and that he means everything to me. But these long periods of time between talking to him make me anxious, hurt, and I don't like it at all.

Relationships are doomed to fail, if there is no communication.
And that's how it is right now.
It's not just my fault. It's his too.
And I'm not sure how to fix it.
I'm trying, but maybe not the right way. All I know, is that I see an end to my relationship soon, if we can't fix this. And I do mean SOON.

I can feel myself on the verge of a great emotional storm. But right now, I'm just numb. It's like I'm in the eye of the storm, and as much as I might wish it to, it can't always stay that way.
Eventually, I'll get to the outside, where all the chaos and mayhem is, and when I do...
Well - Wish me luck.

I'm also fasting, in a twisted attempt to shrink my stomach. I really hope it works.

Awkward days..

Soo... my dad gets home at about 8. Woo...

I missed an ACT prep exam today, as well as my first two classes since my alarm failed to go off for technical reasons. Then I decided to just skip school all together because what is the point of only going for 30 minutes? There isn't one.

My digestive system is all out of whack, and it's denying all the food I try to feed it. Seriously. Not that I'm complaining.

I have so much to do, so much to clean, and not enough time.
Oh, and I'm still fat.

That's pretty much my day.



Hope everyone is having a better day than I am (:

I think I've realized why I don't like this lady in my house.

She's been there for like a day, and she's bought so much food. Like she literally went grocery shopping, even though we had food at our house. And she's cleaning my house, too.
Now, normally that isn't bad, right?
But it makes me feel so guilty, that she thinks my house needs to be cleaned.

I hate letting people into my house, because I feel like they always judge how my dad and I live. Her son, who is 17 like me, said that he's shocked that our upstairs living room is basically a storage for my dad's tools. That's where my dad puts all of his tools for work, and it it just feels like that's normal. But I guess not.
I know that my house is different than other people's, and that it isn't really like a "home". I never bring my friends (what few I have) over, and I don't spend much time there myself. If I do spend time there, it's in my room. That's it.

The other day, they got home while I was smoking, and I felt like she knew, even though she never saw. When she mentioned that we were having dinner, I panicked a little, and some of my ED habits came out. She saw them, and I feel like she keeps staring at me, trying to find something that's not right. Ugh.

Anyways, she offered to take me to school this morning, and keeps trying to push food on me. I keep telling her that I'm not hungry, I don't want food.
I have to hide so much from her, and it's different. With my dad, he never really pays attention to me. He doesn't notice if I don't eat, or if I do something that is ED related. But this lady, I feel like she's trying to take the place of my mom. I don't need a mom, I have never needed a mom, and this lady is a joke if she thinks that she can act like one for me.

After my dad's second wife, I said fuck it. I wasn't going to let anyone act as a part of my family ever again. And that's what I feel like this lady is doing, and it irritates me. I think she knows about the weed, so I'm afraid she'll tell my dad. But whatever. I can deny it, right? And besides, it's not like she'll find any evidence. She kept looking at me, finding reasons to knock on my door. I was burning sage this morning, and I know that most people don't do that, but I felt like it was my room to do what I wanted.

I want this lady out. I want her out of my house, I want her out of my life, I don't like her, I don't like what she's trying to do, I don't like the threat she poses to me, and I don't trust her.
I have guard tonight and I get home late. I don't like that, because I feel like she could go into my room. I don't think she's that kind of person, and the only incriminating things she could find in my room would be my laxatives and my razor blade. Everything else is pretty well hidden. But just that thought.

What is wrong with me? When did I get so paranoid?
I'm never this bad.

I swear this lady who moved into my house is like a ninja...
She's a friend of my dad's. She divorced her husband, broke up with her other boyfriend, and needed somewhere to stay. So my dad told her she could stay here. And of course he didn't tell me until like 4 hours before she came. So I got no warning.

So earlier I was smoking weed, (I left school because I couldn't deal, came home and smoked a bowl) and she came home with her son, who's 17 like me. So I had to rush to hide it because she'd freak, and then ever since that, she's been watching me. Like I feel like she's staring at me.

She was watching me when I got loads of anxiety when she said we were having dinner together. I kinda freaked, and a few of my habits came out. Or at least she noticed I wasn't right. I feel like she's constantly staring at my body, like to see if there's something wrong with me. Like she senses Ana.
Earlier too, while I was cutting, she knocked on my door to ask me about the dogs. I can understand why she asked what she asked about my dogs, but her timing freaks me out a little bit.

And she's cleaning my house. Like seriously???
Who are you to come into my house and clean it because it's messy??!! It isn't her house, and she's making me feel like a fucking horrible person, like I constantly live in filth. Which I don't!! But I so could have done it. I hate when OTHER PEOPLE COME INTO MY HOUSE because they always think it's their house, and they're always trying to fix it like the way I live is problematic. Fuck them. It's my house, and if you don't like it, get out.

Besides, I don't trust this lady. I don't trust her at all. She's never done anything to give me a reason I shouldn't trust her, but something about her makes me not want to trust her. Could it just be my fear? Either way, I can't wait until my dad gets home. Then she'll be preoccupied and won't be focused on me and my food habits. I just want her to leave... But I guess she'll be here for a few months, so I guess I have to get used to it..

I feel so much shame and disgust right now.
At this lady staying in my house, at my life, at myself, at everything.
I want to get up and run away. Run as far as I can and not look back.

I didn't even finish my English Essay, though I've been working on it for 6 hours.
I didn't clean my room, though I faked cramps to get out of school.

I'd give anything to be anyone but me right now...

I wish someone could help me out of myself. Reach me, help me, save me.
But first you'd have to know where to find me...

Monday Madness

This whole "being alone" thing... With my dad out of state and everything being up to me... I like it.
I mean, sure I hate walking to the bus stop, because it's like 10 degrees outside. And on some level I hate getting up 50 times a night to let my dogs out. But I like it because then I'm up, and as Ana likes to say "You burn more calories awake, sleep is for the weak."
Needless to say I fell asleep around 1 am, and now it's 5 am and I'm up. On the bright side, it's given me plenty of time to take a shower and exercise!! (:

Feeling stressed about school because there are tests I need to take, work I need to turn in, and I didn't get to work on any of it. Stupid people moving into my house.
Now I get to try to do it all after school... ugh. I don't mean to complain, because it is my fault that none of it got done, but it's just stressful. And I'm so bloated, but that's because I'm hungry. When I get hungry enough, I start to get a little bloated. I don't know why, but I guess I don't mind. Hunger now, results later. Even if it means I'm bloated.
I wish I could keep this motivation all the time, but it's so spotty. Like I might be motivated today, but not tomorrow. Haha.
My dad gets back tomorrow. I think. Or sometime around there. Not sure how I feel about that, because then it'll be back to the routine of trying to hide all my habits. Not that they're that noticeable, but still. When my dad is around, it means food. And food makes me fat. I guess if I can deal with it, then I'll be stronger, eh?

I compete again this Saturday, so it's back to practice for me!! (In all honesty. I can't wait till the season is over...) just because it takes up so much of my time, and I feel like I'm constantly going somewhere and doing something. Keeping busy is good, because then I won't be tempted to eat, but I need my downtime to just breathe.

Surprisingly, I'm not in a bad mood this morning. I'm not in a good mood either, but I just want to kinda chill. I have the feeling of hunger in my stomach, and when I get to school, I'm getting coffee. I know it will have a lot of calories, but I need the pickmeup. I haven't had coffee in forever, and I could use a little caffeine. xD

And with that, I'm off to a long day of school and homework... xD Gotta love my Monday Madness.

Nothing New

I've started actively seeking out ways for me to self destruct.
I want to be as bad as I can be.
I still have some limits, but I think I like self destructing.
It's actually legit.

Last night I got so high, and it was nice. I didn't have to think, I didn't have to be sad, or over analyze. I could just be. Then woke up this morning, to find out a friend of my dad was going to stay here for a couple months, so I had to spend the whole day helping her unpack, which took away my day to do all my work and get caught up. And now I have so much anxiety that she's here and that I have to be extra careful now. I am paranoid about so many things related to her.
What if she finds my laxatives, or sees how much I don't eat?
What if she smells the weed? Cuz I know she'd tell my dad.
And I don't need to smoke, but it's nice. To not be able to think.
I hate this.

I hate her. I can't believe she wants to move in here and I didn't know because my dad is out of state working right now. Ugh. I just get so mad when people do things like this.
I guess I just have to tolerate it.

What's the point anymore?

I feel like I try so hard to be happy.
To smile, laugh, help everyone.
But then here, I'm always so negative.

I have this constant feeling of hatred and anger, and hurt inside of me. I know it's not good to hold on to it, but I feel like that's just my normal emotion. Things haven't been that good lately. Or maybe they have. Yesterday during my class, I had a panic attack and I ended up running out of class. Needless to say, I made an exit (without meaning to) and I didn't go back.
Every day, more and more work gets piled on me and I fall farther and farther behind. I'm trying to do the work and get caught up, but at the same time, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. My dad had to leave for work yesterday, out of state. So I know he'll be gone for at least 3 or 4 days, which means I can fast. He left me like $100 for food.... and I don't intend to barely touch any of it. The only thing I'm buying is diet soda. I have to do this.
I don't have guard Saturday, so I have Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to catch up on all the work. I have to do it. I can't go another week with all this work. (That's also what I said last week xD). I'm so sorry to everyone - for being so mopey.
There's a girl named Eve and she said in one of her posts, that there is no use talking about things that you can't change. Like emotionally. Why talk about your emotions when you can't change them? I wish I could be like that. I have this image in my head of who I want to be, but it's exactly who I'm not. I want to be strong. I want to be independent, where no matter how bad things get, people would never know. I want to be closed off, as in nobody knows me. Not really. I want to be that girl that you're friends with, and you know she's strong, she'd do anything for anyone, but you really don't know anything specific about her. Does that make any sense? That is how I picture strong - that is who I want to be. But I don't feel like I am. I had a friend, once, who told me one time that I need to stop trying to be the hero. I need to stop pretending that nothing bothers me, and that I'm superman. Like I can do anything, and I'm emotionally unreachable. She told me that I need to let people in, and let them help me. I got so happy over that comment. Just knowing that someone saw me that way, made me happy. Because that is who I want to be, so much. I guess maybe it's true that you don't see yourself as others see you. I know I sure as hell don't.

I don't feel validated, for anything I do. If I'm angry, then that's fine. I can be angry, it doesn't matter who I'm pissed at or what I'm pissed about. I know that i have a right to be angry. But if I'm sad, or upset, or depressed, or I want to cry, then I don't feel validated. If I need help, I feel like I'm weak. If I try to talk about anything with most people, I feel instant guilt. No matter what I'm talking about or what the other person says to reassure me, it's always instant guilt. If I ask someone to do something for me, I'm immediately going to wonder what I can do to make it up for them, because I'm making them go out of their way for me.
Money is a big thing for me. I'm so bad at accepting gifts, because I have always been taught that it's greedy in a way to want things. That if I want something, I have to earn it. If someone buys me something, I have to pay them back. I can think of plenty of examples which would cause that to be ingrained in me that way. Thanks to my family.  But on the flip side, I don't actually think they meant to do it. I don't think my dad meant to make me feel guilty every time I needed something from him. I don't think they meant to push their problems on me, as a young child. But they did. And I smiled and took it anyways.
I refuse to be anything less than strong. I refuse to need help, or to admit I need help. Deep down, I think that I never will be able to. I want to be strong.
My mom was an alcoholic when I was a child. I remember the flashing lights from the cop cars that were there to pick my brother and I up. I couldn't have been older than 7. So all the time before that, that's where this memory is. I remember one time, my brother and I were told to go to the police station, and to stay there. That my grandma would pick us up, that we would be safe. I remember my mom screaming and throwing things, my dad trying to protect us. My grandparents trying to get us away from danger. I remember when I was younger, but older at the same time, like 8 - 11, I would scream at my dad that I hated him. If we got into a bad fight, then he would threaten to place me in a foster home, or make me go live with my mom. It scared the living shit out of me back then, the thought of being forced to live with her. I remember the countless visits with Social Services, and the supervised visits with my mom. Eventually, after so many promises of "I'll quit for you" and "It will all be okay".... I stopped wanting to see my mom. I stopped caring. I shut my emotions off, and moved on. She was nobody to me. I remember that my dad used to count on me to clean the house, and do chores. Not chores that were over my age limit, but keeping the house clean, doing the dishes, feeding my brother and myself. Basically doing anything and everything that was possible for me, so that he wouldn't be stressed. In many ways, I grew up then. I wasn't a kid, I was much like an adult, or a house wife.
These are the memories I have of my childhood. To me, really none of it was traumatic. But at the same time, I get so angry thinking about it. That's the only major event in my life. So my emotional distance has to come from that. The sense of weakness vs. strength that I believe with every part of myself, had to come from that. It only makes sense.
I think that my life has been so filled with hatred and sorrow, that I find it almost impossible to find happiness. My dad lives in anger and hatred. Everything he feels, it's anger at the world, at not having money, at needing help. He gets mad at people for things they do. But I have never really seen him happy. The only time I would ever describe my dad as "happy" is when he was married to his 2nd wife. Before they got divorced. I'll admit, he has kinda gotten the shit end of the stick for the majority of his life, from what I can see. But I don't think he thinks he can be happy. That anger and sadness passes on to me, and I begin to feel that way too. I used to be happy, or maybe I was just really good at faking it. The only time that I really feel happy, is when I'm with Cimiron. But then when I'm on my own, all the thoughts of how stupid I am, how he's going to leave eventually because I'm a teenager and this is teenage love come back. I mean, I'm 17. Who has a love at 17 and actually marries them? He says he's not going to leave, but I can't believe that. I want it, but then again, right now I spend the majority of the year 2200 miles away from him.  If I end up going to college somewhere in NY and I get to spend more time with him, what's to say that we wont start falling out of love or fighting, or for some reason we won't have to end the relationship? Due to the fact that he's really the only person I can be happy with, or am happy with at the moment, what happens when he's gone?
I'm preparing myself for this. I have to. I don't want to feel the loss that I know will come eventually. I don't want to know that weakness. I used to have this mindset, that people were there to help you grow, and that they were all range of things. But I never got attached to them. I never go dependent upon them. Because to me, dependency means weakness. But as much as I'd love to deny it, I do depend on Cimiron, in a way. I love him so much, and I don't know what I'd do without him. I kinda want to change that, but at the same time, I don't. The last time I talked to him was exactly 7 days ago. I understand that part, because with my grandpa being in the hospital and all this crap with my family, it's been hell. But in another sense, I don't know. I could talk to him if I wanted. All it takes is a push of a button.
What's stopping me? I keep making excuses, saying that something is in the way, life is crazy, my family needs me, I have school to tend to first, etc. But I can't help but wonder if there might be another reason? Based on what I said, could it be that I am trying to distance myself from him? I decided a while ago that I was going to stop telling him about my ED, and that I wasn't going to involve him in that anymore. And that if he asked, I was going to outright deny that I ever had an eating disorder. I was going to be happy, and not let him see that part of me. Not that he's asked about it, or anything. It hasn't come up in conversation. Honestly, these long distances between talking to him, worry me. It would be so easy to blame life and school, but it's also true that if he wanted to talk to me, then he could just as easily pick up the phone and call me too. It doesn't have to be me that initiates it. I don't know. I want to blame myself for everything, but I know that if I do that, I'll never let it go. I still blame myself for a lot of the things that I've done in the past, and I still punish myself for them all. Some I might be okay with, but at the same time I never forgive myself for them. I never forget that it happened, or that I did it.
I guess it's true what they say. "You are your own worst enemy." Nobody else can expect me to be more perfect than I expect myself to be. But yet somehow it happens.
I guess the point of this is, I don't know how to be happy. All I know is his state of numbness, anger, hatred, and strength. If I lose any of that, then I lose myself. And I feel like I am all I have left. Acceptance is a difficult thing, and I can accept anyone for almost anything, but I can't accept myself for who I seem to be.

I feel like I've been gone for years, even though it's only been like 3 days.
And I also feel like I'm moving in slow motion.

My grandpa had a heart attack yesterday, and I spent the majority of my day in the hospital with him. They tried to use the balloon pump to help him out and unblock his arteries, but that failed. So they had to do emergency bypass surgery. It was like an 8 hour surgery and the waiting was hell.
The good new? He is okay. They were successful, and I hope it stays that way.

He means the world to me and I don't know what I'd do without him. <3

My eating disorder is so similar to my moms. I'm so shocked right now.

Competition!

I had a guard competition yesterday, and we got demoted from National Regional A to Regional A.
Basically, last season, we were in Regional A. But we scored too high, were too good, so they moved us up to National Regional A. Well, this season, while in National Regional A, we had been getting last place. Mostly because our coach doesn't know how to coach. She didn't have the show finished, and uniforms, and just things. She didn't have it done. So she demoted us. And last night, while we were competing, we got last place again. Haha how funny.
I thought we had a good show though, and that it went well, for the most part. Personally, it was the best show I've had all season.

I just wanted to write that out.
Otherwise, I a have nothing to say. Or I do, but I don't want to make this yet another post where I explain how my life sucks.
I bet to a lot of other people, my life is a fucking beast.
They'd give anything to live it.

I have an English essay that is due. It's been due. It's past due.
And I'm not even done writing it.
I still need to edit it, but it's hard for me to edit my own papers when I am so caught up in them.
Anybody good at English? (;
I'm kidding. Kinda.
I just want today to be over with.
Though so far it hasn't been that bad. Just kinda chill, which I'm cool with. (:

Anxiety

Well, today started out as a good day, and then my anxiety kicked in.
So many things I have anxiety about, yet they're all centered around the same thing.
I don't want to be in school today. Sure, it's Friday, but I still have a lot to do this weekend, so it doesn't feel like a Friday.
I hope I can just get through the day. That's all I want right now. Getting through the day without another breakdown. And I wouldn't mind some of the anxiety to go down either.
/=

New Plan (again)

So I have been beating myself up recently for everything. Every failure I've had.
I can't seem to find something that works for me. Something that knocks my weight out. I have decided though, that I'm going to allow myself 500 calories a day. That way my body doesn't go into starvation, but I'm going to burn 614. I intend to eat throughout the day, kinda like snacking, but only 500 calories worth. I don't want to eat anything past 6pm though, unless I have practice. And I'm going to try to make it as healthy as I can. I have a bunch of little exercises that I can do throughout the day to get me to 614, so it will be a gradual exercise too.
I don't know how long I should go before I expect to see results? And I mean results of any kind. Maybe a week?
I'm hoping for this... I really need this.
I need a purpose.
Today was a really shitty day. I tried to keep it together and at least make it through the day, but I couldn't. I ended up crying in the hallway during my last class because someone ran into me and made me spill my water. Simple, I know. But it was the last straw for me.

If anyone has an opinion on my weight loss plan, that would be greatly appreciated.

Also, I have no idea how many calories I burn during Colorguard practice. It bothers me. So if anyone could give an estimate, or a good guess? That would be greatly appreciated too. If you don't know what that is, you can YouTube it and probably find a good example.

I started what was supposed to be a 7 day fast yesterday. But then it turned into 8, because I hate odd numbers. They make me feel off.
The first day was rough, but I made it through. Now, I'm on day 2. I've successfully fasted for 34 1/2 hours. That's a weird number too. But whatever.
I love this feeling of empty.
I think that's a common thing of people with Anorexia. for me.

I got to sleep in this morning, but I'm still so tired. I didn't have guard yesterday. Go figure. The one day I needed it, it gets cancelled. Well, guess I'll see what I can do tonight.
I thought about going straight home after school, and sleeping. It sounds so wonderful. But that only lasted for a little bit. Ana started reminding me how much I need the exercise, how sleeping is a waste of time when you could be exercising. And she's right. I mean, how am I ever going to reach 140/ 115 when I don't exercise?
Yeah, there's two weights there. 115 is my ultimate goal weight, but 140 is what I hope to reach sometime in the next 4 months. I think I can do it. I want to at least get as low as I can, and that  means NO fuck ups. I have some other ways to get there too. I guess we'll just have to see how my weight drops. How much I can lose.

I'm not sure where things are with  Cimiron and I.. They're such a mess right now, at least to me. He probably has no idea what's going on.

I still have work to do. Too much work, not enough time. That seems to be the normal for me. Honestly, I hate this feeling. Of not doing good enough. The other day, when I got my Chem results back, the first thing I thought was "If I was skinnier/perfect, then I wouldn't have gotten this grade". And it's so true.

However, yesterday may have been a bust, but today is a whole new day. A new day to get that much closer to 115. I have to just keep reminding myself of that. Tomorrow is a new day, and I have to make it count. Today is a day that I'll never get back once it's gone.
I have to make it count.

All I can seem to think about right now is the fast. My 8 day fast. Seeing how much weight I can lose, and how far I can make it go down. I've realized that I always go to the extremes. It's my stubbornness and determination in action. I know that using extremes doesn't work for me. It doesn't help me lose weight. But my stubbornness and determination makes it impossible for me to give up, until it does work for me. It will, eventually. It has to.
Does anyone else experience that type of determination?

My stomach is messed up, I think. I get this feeling of nausea where  I can feel myself about to puke, at random times. They come and go, and they're never constant. They're never just in one period of time. And I thought it could have been because of the laxatives I was taking, but then I stopped taking them, and nothing changed. So I started again. Not that I'm complaining here. It could be worse, and this way I won't want to eat. I just think it's odd. But there's a lot of things wrong with me. Does anyone else ever get that? The feelings of nausea? I feel like it's just me.

My point was, my 8 day fast is going really well. 35 hours down, 159 more to go. I think. I might have calculated that wrong. But that's what it is right now. xD

Thinspo all around!

That's what I've been doing for the last 12 or so hours.
Watching YouTube videos, photo searching on Google, reading stories, visiting websites.
It's like a total thinspiration overload.

But it's so good for motivation. I've found some people to talk to who I can help, and who can help me. I've found more support sites, and more love. Not that the people here aren't enough. But branching out, getting more support, that's always a good thing.

I have found a way to hopefully make my day better. I have decided that I am going to try to be skinnier than K. Thinner, prettier, better. I will do it for myself, but also for the fact that I can. Proving that I am good enough.

And as always, I'll do it for myself.
I'm not giving this up anytime soon. It's much too fun.
Today after school is going to be my final work day, and of course more thinspo! Honestly, you can never have too much, and now I have it everywhere I go.
For some reason this makes me happy. (:
But happiness is few and far between, so I'll take it!

Relieved

I don't have much to say.

Or I do, but I don't know how to write it all out.

None of it makes sense.

I had a guard competition last night, we got 9th place, and we also go penalized. So basically, we got last place, but whatever.

Guard is fun because it is exercise. Running, jumping, dancing, push ups, crunches, Pilates  so many things. Yet I don't burn enough calories.

I've been reading tons of Pro-Ana blogs, and really, they're so motivational. I just got a bunch of thinspiration too, so it's pretty good. (:

I haven't weighed myself in days because of shitty eating, and paranoia. I don't want weigh myself, but I know that as soon as I'm done writing here, I will. Hopefully I haven't fucked up entirely too much.

I got home really late last night, from the guard competition, so I stayed at my grandma's. Today was supposed to be a day for me to finally finish all my Chemistry homework. But since it's snowing here, and nobody wants to drive, I won't be getting home till late again. Which means I'll be staying up again tonight to finish it all. I can't go another week with all this, and besides, I have a Chemistry test tomorrow. Wish me luck? I tried to get help for it, but both people flaked on me so I said fuck it.

I talked to Cimiron a bit, and I definitely over reacted. He never said why he dropped off the face of the planet, but I'm just going with the fact that he was probably busy. Talking to him today, it felt like nothing between us had changed. Though I feel like a whole different person. I don't expect it to last, by any means. I always do this. Get motivated, feel like something changed, and then go back to how I was before. So I'm going to talk advantage of it while I can. Do what I can. I wish it would stop snowing and being in the "single digit" degrees. It would help things a lot. Then I could run, be outside. When I get stuck inside, I get restless, because I feel like there's so much that needs to get done, and I'm not doing it.

Does anyone else get like that?

So things are going pretty good at the moment. I just hope next week goes by alright. I'm sure it will, once I pass that Chem test. Haha, can you tell what's on my mind??!!!!? xD

Anyways, I'm off to find something to make me a bit less restless. :D

Karma is a bitch.

Switched sides?

I am so judgmental. There's a girl, who I guess has Anorexia.
I keep saying/hearing that Anorexia is not a physical disorder, it's mental. I  know that. That's how I feel too.
Kinda.

So anyways, this girl. She has a blog, and she posts about how she eats ice cream, and cookies, and all this stuff that I could never imagine eating. Ever.
And in my head, I'm like "Bitch. You don't have Anorexia. You just wish you did so you wouldn't be so fat. If you really want it, then get it. Don't make excuses. And don't pretend that you have Anorexia when you don't." I am such a bitch.
I didn't say any of that at all, just thought it. She's never been in treatment, never really restricted, eats a lot of foods that a true anorexic never would.

I am so hypocritical. Just had to rant about that.

If anyone wants to, you can tell me what you think about this. But I just wanted to write about that, it was bugging me. Xx

North Pole/South pole; same state of mind

I feel like two sides of the same coin. Total opposites. I don't know how they can co-exist in my mind. However, they do.

One side of the coin, is extremely happy.

Happy that I get to exercise. We did a lot of physical things in guard tonight. I ran laps, did push ups, sit ups, burpees, a lot of things. I love to exercise. I really do. It makes me feel good, and it's partly due to the endorphins you get from exercise, but also because I genuinely love it. I wouldn't give it up for anything.

I'm happy that I can actually enjoy things. I'm excited at the possibility of getting to run this weekend, as I'll be all caught up.

I'm happy. For once, I am just happy.

H

A

P

P

Y.

Why? Not one hundred percent sure, but hey, I'll take it. :D

The other side of my mind, is that I need to cut the shit. I've been binging, or just eating shit for the last few days. I blame it on my period. It came at the worst possible time, and I've just been putting shit into myself since. It only actually started today, and I have horrid cramps.

It's ridiculous.

But! Alas, if I am ever going to reach 115, I have to say no. I have to get control, and stop putting shit into my mouth. I function better on an empty stomach and starvation anyways.

If other people can do it, so can I.

And I will.

I am fasting tomorrow, which won't be easy, but it isn't impossible either.

So. I am going to do this.

Wish me luck?

Any kind of support would be welcome, just because the first day is always the hardest.

I'm gonna try to keep it up for one day, but more than that eventually.

I haven't updated my weight in a while. I was going to weigh myself this morning, but then when I woke up bloated as all hell, and having the worst cramps ever, I decided that for the sake of my sanity, I wouldn't. So I'll weigh myself when I don't have so much shit in me, I'm not so bloated, and I get a chance. Next week, sometime. In the meantime, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast.

I can do it.

I believe in myself for once.

I like this feeling of hope. It never lasts, but when it does come around, it's an amazing feeling. :D

So normally I can tolerate people. But not today. K, my ex best friend, I pretty much ignore her. It might not seem like I do, because I still talk about her here, but this is pretty much the only place I can vent my frustrations. Anyways, there was a girl, S. She was/is a friend of K, and her and I had started being friends. A little. Not so much anymore. Anyways, anytime I say something to S, K makes a face at me. Like she gives me a lot of dirty looks and I realize that it is a kindergarten thing to do, but it still pisses me off. I KNOW that I am a resentful person. Not all the time, but more than I would like to be. Take this, for example. There was a girl, A. Her and I had been friends my freshman year of high school. We'd been good friends, or so I thought. That's about when my first bout of depression. Basically, A just up and left one day. I don't know why, or what I did to make her hate me, or even if it was my fault. But even now, 2 years later, I see her in the halls and I still feel hatred for her. The anger. In most aspects, i've let it go and just chalked it up to shit that happens in high school. But obviously, on some levels... I can't let it go.
Anyways, K. Like they say, once you start hating someone, EVERYTHING they do starts to irritate you. No matter what it is, it just irritates you.
I guess I need to let go of that resentment. That might be part of the reason that i'm so sad, pissed off, and irritated all the time. I'm working on letting it go, but usually, for me, the emotions just go away on their own. Maybe destressing would help. YOGA TIME!!! xD

I also have an English essay due today. That's what class i'm in right now. But the fact of the matter is... I just don't feel like writing it. I'm such a procrastinator. It's due at the end of the day, and I haven't even started it yet. The essay is supposed to be about a life event that is significant to you. But then you're suppsoed to turn it into something more. Relate it to a bigger aspect so that more people can identify with it. I chose to use hatred. I thought about using alcohol, with my mom and everything, but I think I could use hatred too.
I mean, my dad's hatred, look at the effect that it has on me, and the effect that hatred in a society effects everyone. So yeah. I have the topic, but I have no idea how to go about writing it. I suck at writing essays. English in college is going to kill me....

So.. there's 557 days until I move out. Until I am finally away from my family, and all the people here. Don't get me wrong, some of the people I know here, I would love to keep in touch with. But there is a lot that I need to leave here. I don't know where i'm going to go yet but I know that I am going. I am not staying in Colorado. I love it, but I think I'd love NY better. Now only if I could get into college. God, the future scares me. I have no idea what i'm going to do, where i'll be, how i'll make it. I have no idea. I don't know anything. That scares the shit out of me, because I don't want to grow up. I don't want to have to worry about paying for college, getting a house, paying bills, gas, a car, a life. I don't want any of it. But at the same time, growing up is everything to me. It's my out. My time to start out on my own, and try to make my life a life that I want to live. Or at the very least a life that I can tolerate living.

I haven't talked to Cimiron in a while. Like a week. I know that i've gone longer than that before without talking to him, but I miss it. And it isn't like i'm just not talking to him. Last I knew, he didn't have a house phone, though he said we could still text. So I tried, and I tried FB too. He didn't reply to either. Don't get me wrong, maybe he is just busy. Which is totally fine. But the fact that I don't know.. well it makes me anxious. My brain keeps making up horrible scenarios, and expecting the worst. I feel like a really clingy girlfriend right now. I realize that my mind is just playing out my insecurities, but still. Knowing doesn't make it easier. Someone please tell me.. Am I overreacting? If so, at what point does it become genuine and not over reacting?

Ugh. I think I need to just chill out.

Today, I intend to finish all of the makeup work that i have left. I am eligible to compete this weekend, so my grades are up. But they are not to my liking by any means. So i'm going to finish it all today, and try to get them up. I've already done so much. I just have to keep it up. Motivation, that's what I need.

All in all, I suppose that today is a good day. I haven't done much, and hopefully it will be better once i'm all caught up and I don't have to worry about make up work anymore. Really, I need this weekend to come. Just so I can finally get done with everything, and maybe relax. 2 more days!!! :D

I will go here someday... <3

Need to remember.  By the way, am I the only one who sang the song
while reading this? xD

Tuesday (Monday)

I ended up getting a good amount of work done last night, despite the fact that that means that I only got about 4 hours of sleep.
Waking up this morning, it was nice.
I'm feeling good.

I swear... My moods fluctuate so much. I don't think that's normal, but maybe it's just part of being a teenager. xD I'm 17, after all.

Today is going to be a good day. I have guard, which I guess I'm not too excited about, but I'm not hating it so much anymore either. We're finally starting to learn our show, and we start up competitions again this Saturday. Maybe.... Just maybe..... I'm a wee bit excited. (:

It's Tuesday  but it feels like a Monday. And a good one at that. I mean, I still have my doubts. Mostly about   my grades, and my boyfriend. But I'm pushing those aside for right now. This is going to be a busy week, and I need to keep my head in the game. I'm actually feeling pretty psyched about this week.
Anyone else feeling this psyched? :D

I've started using myfitnesspal. It's a lot of work, but I kinda like it. It's helping me to keep on track. Though before, I didn't see so much point in it. I found it easier to manually track them. But I love how it tells me what I'll weigh in 5 weeks, when I have a low calorie count. Especially since I know that I can do it. I'll weigh less than it says I will. (:

Not much to update about. Just randomness. Wanted to share my happiness and see if anyone felt the same. (:

I should learn by now.
I'm supposed to know myself.
And if I don't know myself,
Then nobody ever will.

This is perfect... She is perfect.. <3

I wonder what has kept me living all this time.
If this is what you can call living.
I wonder what makes people want to fight for me.
Can't they see that they too will leave?
I fooled myself into thinking I had found my way.
But in reality, I'm just as lost as yesterday.

I'm really in need of support right now.... Need help keeping it together.

Making no sense xD

I got my Ipod!! ^_^ This makes me insanely happy.. And I don't care if it's weird.
It's only a 2nd generation, but I got it from a friend for kinda cheap, and it works pretty good, so why not? I can put all my music on there, and use most apps, so why not?
It just makes me smile. :D

As for the fast..... It lasted about 22 hours. Then I was forced into dinner (last night) and today has been horrid food wise. I did exercise a lot at practice though, so maybe it won't be so bad. I don't know. If anything, I want to give up, and give in, but I keep reminding myself that I have to keep going and keep trying. I can't give in. Which for the most part is working.... Kinda. I mean, it's a struggle. But something is better than nothing, right?

I haven't done anything, really. Not in terms of homework. I've been productive, yet unproductive as well. I cleaned my room, did my laundry, did a few of my chores. But I haven't done any homework. I guess that's what I'll be doing for the next two days. Wish me luck!

So far, my outlook on guard is going better. Our show is looking much better. and for the most part, I'm not getting frustrated. Or show isn't until next week, so I'm feeling better about that. Still counting the days till it's over, but hey, what can I say?! (That rhymed) xD

I'm having trouble trying to find an app that works and is compatible with my Ipod, for maintaining/tracking calories and weight loss. It's so difficult, and blah!
There's not much up with me.
I guess that's all.
I'm still reading blogs religiously. xD
And it was so nice today that I got to run. (:

We are singing to our lava lamp, and it's bubbly, bubbly, bubbly!

I'm fasting.
My foot has healed, so I can start running again.
But still I'll fast.
Right now, it's at a minimum of 48 hours. So far, I'm at 10 hours without food.

I don't know how long this will go. I never want it to end. I think I have found the answer. Fast. Eat nothing. Only eat when forced to, and even then, don't feel like you've failed. Just go back to fasting.
I am so excited for this.
I am going to try it.

Please don't try to tell me how much I am going to be destroying my body, or how unhealthy it is. I know all of that.
But still. This feeling of utter emptiness, of hunger... I missed it. I missed this feeling of lightness. I feel like I could fly. :D

I have a four day weekend. I am cleaning my room today, and doing some homework. I have practice tomorrow, but no competition. Then two more days of nothing. :D
This makes me so excited. I get to catch up on all  my work, I might get a chance to run. If not, there's other things I can do. (:
I finally feel in control. I'm almost happy. As happy as I've been in a while.

This will help me. In overcoming my "all or nothing" view. I can do this.
And there's no way I can stay this weight by doing this. It just not be possible! :D So... Results! Here I come.

My new phrase is... "We are singing to our lava lamp! And it's bubbly, bubbly, bubbly!" ^_^

Just because I'm feeling random. :D And I'm in such a good mood. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts!

Wednesday, February 13

Can anyone guess what today is?

Just take a guess.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! ^_^

For once, I'm actually happy about that fact.

I never like my birthday. It's just another day for attention, and I hate attention.

Today, however, is actually a really good day.

My dad started with waking up at 5 am, because Cimiron called me to wish me a happy birthday. I mean, it's 7 for him, and it was wayy early for me, but actually, I didn't mind. I thought it was sweet, and it definitely made my day! Then I got to school, and I thought everyone was gonna make a big deal about my birthday, but really, it's just been relaxing. My math class sang the birthday song to me, but otherwise, nobodies really said anything about it. (:

I don't have any plans for my birthday, it's just going to be another day filled with endless homework, and chores. I seriously have so much homework right now, it's a wonder I'm still alive. I keep procrastinating, and  it keeps piling up. But, alas, this weekend (Friday - Monday as I have no school for either days, and no competition this weekend) I will catch up on all my work. All of it. So for now I'm just waiting. :D I also want to do something this weekend, because I mean... C'mon! I'm 17, and I have to do something for my birthday. I have yet to find someone to hang out with or do something with yet, though. Guess I'll just keep trying!

I think later tonight, we're going out to dinner. Not my favorite thing to do, and I'm a bit worried. My brother (the other wayyyy older one) is supposed to call me at 7ish. I haven't talked to him since I was a little kid. And though we've been writing, it might be nice to talk to him. I'm also scared though, because I might run out of things to say, and then it'd just be really awkward.

I dunno.

Today's been really good though. I did and still do have a lot of anxiety, but it only started about an hour ago. So I figure that if I can run or walk after I get out of school, it might help. Just so I don't have to think. I think I'm finally starting to be more positive though, and for that I am so happy!!!

Anyways, I just kinda left in the middle of class to write this... So back to class I shall go! (:

A lot of things seem to be triggering me lately. Not in a bad way, just in a very irritating way.
The girl I used to be best friends with... K.
I sit in front of her for English. She was walking up to talk to the teacher, I guess to ask a question. I wasn't paying any attention, because I never do. Well, not to her anyways. I pay attention to the teacher most of the time.
Anyways, I happened to notice how skinny she was. Not like, eating disorder skinny, just, skinny. Like healthyish skinny. Thin. I happen to know that her mom in insanely skinny. I know she doesn't have an ED either, but she's really skinny.
Anyways, back to K. Almost immediately, my first thought was "She dropped you as her friend because she didn't want to be seen with someone so fat." Then Ana started whispering more. How she must laugh at me because I'm so horridly fat, or that she knows I'm a liar and an attention seeker. All these things. And I couldn't bring myself to disagree.

All in all, it probably lasted about 30 seconds, tops. The seeing her part, I mean. But those thoughts?
Yeah, they're sticking around. They're not going anywhere.

It's still a good day, I just had to write that out.

I'm back... And better than ever!

What can I say?
Nothing really.

I'm not 100% sure if I'm back on track, or if I'm just bullshitting everything. But moving away from my blog didn't really help much. It just kinda made me and my progress, frozen almost?
This is like my little corner of the universe to rant and rave in. I can't give that up, can I? [;
Naww, so I'm back.

Despite going downhill in my control factor (Getting it back though!!!) and having some issues, I feel like I'm in a good mood. Though I'm pretty good at bullshitting myself to the point of belief, but for now, I'll just roll with it. :D
I'm slowly getting caught up on my work from the last 2 weeks. There's so much to do, and therefore I wish to procrastinate!! But I know that I can't. The sooner I get it done, the sooner I am free!!! ^_^
I have a 4 day weekend this week (No school on Friday or next Monday), so it's ass kicking time for my work!!
Of course, that also means I have a color guard competition. We had one last Saturday... And in my opinion, it sucked.
I dropped every toss we threw, and I messed up a lot of drill. Needless to say, I wasn't the only one. We ended up getting last place in our division, with a score of 39.90. The scores are out of 100, so that should tell you how bad we did.
I hope to improve this week though, as much as I can. Our instructor wants to add more to it on Tuesday, which is going to be really stressful, but hey, I've only had about 3 days to learn the whole show, so I shouldn't be stressing. I mean, it's not the end of the world, if we suck, right?
I've started counting down the weeks till it's over, just because I'm excited not to have to go anymore. It's fun, but so stressful. At least right now. Maybe later it won't be. I have 8 more practices, 4 more competitions, and 4 more weeks left!!!
There's so much cold weather here.... And that makes me sad inside, because I really wanted to start running again... Just not in like 10 degree weather. -_-
I got new headphones!!! Finally! Mine broke while I was on vacation, and I wasn't able to get new ones until now. I live with them in my ears, pretty much 24/7... So I'm glad to have them back!!
I actually got out of my hermit hole on Saturday/Sunday and hung out with a friend of mine. We went to the movies, saw Breaking Dawn: Part 2. I know, I know.... Vampires, Werewolves, etc... NO. Buuut..... I like them still. Jacob (Taylor Lautner is hot!!) :D
I laughed quite a bit, and I got a duck army!! (Randomness...)
Basically, now I have like 40 little rubber ducks... I don't know why but I love them (:
It felt so nice to laugh. For once. To not be so upset, or down, or depressed. Of course, those emotions are still there, but I guess "Fake it till you make it"? So even if it's not actual happiness (What the hell is actual happiness anyways??!!?) I'll take it.

Not looking forward to today, but actually, that's just because I would rather be at home! Haha.
I misplaced some very important things that I NEED, so I have to find them.
I don't know what I did with them, but I pray to Jesus that I didn't permanently lose them. Otherwise, I'm in deep shit! I always do this. -_- I lose everything, no matter how hard I try not to. I might just have to start gluing things to myself... Awkward!!
But seriously, I lose everything. No bueno!!

On the downside, I've been cutting/burning a lot recently. Like, more than usual. Yesterday, it was 3 times. Which, damn. I now that I shouldn't, but it's like if there's anything that stresses me out, and I can't cope with it, that's my out. Bad habits, I know. But I guess it's normal for me, so I don't see how bad it is?
I've started texting Cimiron again, telling him every time I do something self destructive. It isn't as much as I'd like it to be, but it has helped me tone things down a bit. I stopped for a while, because I didn't want him to know anything, but then I asked him if he wanted me to keep texting him. He said that it helped him understand what everyday is like for me. What I go through. And that it allowed him to support me more. So I returned to it.

Either way, today is a new day, and I'm hoping that I can keep this good mood.
No promises, but by looking at the last few days, well, I guess things are starting to look up? Maybe for once I can finally throw myself back into the light. Instead of hiding in this darkness. I'm working on changing my views on how I look at things.. Like with the cutting thing. I could look at it as a failure, so why try to change it? Instead, I'm choosing to see that today is a new day, and that it can only be a bad day if I let it be a bad day. It's easier said than done, but it's worth a shot.

So... I was supposed to be working on school work... but instead I've spent the last 45 minutes reading blogs, and writing. SO PRODUCTIVE. Oh well. I'll just have to work on things throughout the day. I can do this. Slowly but surely. I  have a lot of work to do, especially since if I don't get all my F's up by this Saturday, I'm ineligible to compete in the competition. Bleh... Why?? Best be getting on it, eh? xD

Need to get my shit together.

I looked at my measurements from January 10th... Which was the last time I posted them.

In some ways, they've gone up. Only a small bit, but fuck.

In other ways, they've gone down.

I don't know what to believe.

I haven't lost any fucking weight, thanks to vacation.

Guess I'll just try harder.

That should be my motto.

TRY HARDER.

I am such a failure. No matter what anyone says, I am. I can't deny that anymore.

So... I don't know what to do anymore.

I have some ideas, but no motivation. I don't believe in myself and doing this anymore. But I in no way want recovery..

I'm such a mess.

Whatever..

Thanks to everyone who supported me. It meant a lot.

And I'll remember that.

This might be my last post for a while.

Until I can get my shit together, and do something... I won't be posting.

I can't.

So.. seeya.

I told him to tell his teacher to give her my number.

I did it before I could change my mind.
The only think keeping me sane is that I know that I can back out if I don't want to do this. But I'll at least talk to her once.

It terrifies me....
But I guess It can't hurt.

So now, I play the waiting game.
I can do this.

I really hope I'm making the right choice.

Otherwise, things are going good. Not everything, but more than was yesterday. Which is a start.

Should I?

This is going to be a short update.

I talked to Cimiron, who talked to his health teacher about all the problems I'm having. I guess all she basically said was that she wanted to talk to me, personally. Of course he had to ask me before he could give her my number.
I simply told him I'd think about it.
I don't know what to do.

This woman will NEVER know me, she lives more than 2200 miles away, and she pretty much knows nothing about me.
Yet I am afraid that if I talk to her, she will find SOME way to get it back to my family, or someone. For whatever reason, I think that might happen.
She doesn't have any of my info, the only thing she'd know is my first name, and my number. That's it.
Am I being irrational about that?

Should I talk to her?
I am completely at a loss for what to do. I have no idea, no strand to go on.

Cimiron said that she's counseled enough people and helped another girl in another situation. He said that the other girl, suffering with and ED, eventually had to be rushed to the hospital. I think it's because she collapsed.
I am NOWHERE near that bad. I don't even look like I have an ED. I don't feel sick enough, or disordered enough, or screwed up enough. I don't know.

Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Anything. I have no idea what to do.

Help?

Alright.

I am going to try to the best of my ability...
But I may need some of your (people who read this blog) help,

Here's my goal:
I realize that I'm only making things worse for myself, by being negative.
It's not helping me in any way.
Unfortunately, I'm stuck in a cycle.
motivation-take action-mess up a bit-assume I failed so there's no point-get more depressed-self harm-NEGATIVITY-motivation
Something like that anyways.

But I can't do that.

I've realized just how tired I am of always being negative.
I realize it's a part of me, and I've kinda made it to where I can be negative, but I need to try to find a way to change that, if I have any hope of staying sane. Even a little bit.
Sure, I'll have times where I'm pissed off, or hurt about something. But that's normal, because I'm a teenager.

My birthday is in less than a week. I need to hopefully be somewhat happy by then. I would hate to spend my birthday ... well, let's just not go there.

What I need from people who read this, if they're willing..
If I post about something negative, can you possibly remind me why it is I shouldn't view it that way, and help me change my perspective on it?
I lose my motivation for this kind of thing easily... Which is why I'm asking for help. If I want to do this, I know that I can't do it alone. And I know that as soon as I'm a bit happier, or as happy as I can be with my ED and other issues, then I'll be able to get more control. I'll have more strength. Which is what I'm shooting for.

I don't even know if this makes sense... but this is what I need.
If you'd like to help, great.
If not, no worries! (:

I have the photos from Hawaii.
Don't know when I can upload them.
There's about 335.... So.. photo bomb!

Nothing is as I thought it would be.

Life is back to sucking.

And I'm back to barley managing.

Fuck me.

I give up.