I don't want to be alone today.

But there's nobody to be with.

I'm not attending school today either. I should work on my assignments for class, but I just can't bring myself to. I'm honestly doubting my ability to raise my grade, and it's destroying me. 

I don't want to even go there.

Fuck

I took laxatives yesterday at about this same time. I was expecting them to kick in last night or this morning, but now it's nearly 2:30pm and they haven't.

I'm start to freak out, get anxiety. I've even pacing all day, rarely sitting down. I don't have any more laxatives, and no money to buy them. I need to get this food out of me.

So far I'm at 585 calories for the day. Actually, slightly more than that. I'd say 650.

Ugh.

I don't know what to do, or how to avoid panicking about this. The bottom line is... I need two things.

Jenny and laxatives.

I start work in a week and a half, so I'll have money then. Right now, I don't. And I have no way to get some. Fuck.

I hate asking people to borrow money... Not that I have anyone I could borrow like $10 from. I don't know what to do.

I'm trying not to freak out and I'm failing. I can feel the food moving through my body. This is bad... Very bad. 

Fuck. This was supposed to help me not panic or freak out, but that's not working so well. Guess I'm gonna go pace. 

I know it's gonna happen again.

I'd give anything for it not to, though. I am terrified of going through that again. But what can I do? I can starve, but I know how unlikely that is.

I need to meet up with Jenny again. She's the only thing that can keep my appetite at bay and prevent it from happening again. But I don't have any way to get some.

I'm out of laxatives, and right now I haven't got money to buy them. I'm actually quite desperate. I've thought of stealing them... Oh how easy it'd be. 

I'm probably not gonna sleep tonight. I wish I could, though... At least so I can forget about this issue and not worry over it all night as I know I will.

But I feel like sleep is mostly out of the question.

I'm not sure what I'm more scared of...

My nightmares?

Or

What's happening to me?

Fuck. I don't know what I'm gonna do, or really what I even CAN do. I guess I just have to hope to get through this safely and avoid food afterwards. Guess I'm gonna need an appetite suppressant and a lot of excuses.

I wish people could just understand, but that is unlikely.

I don't care about tomorrow though. I just need to get through tonight. It's almost 1am here. So just 5 more hours. I can do this. I have to.

Stupid Bullshit

So yesterday I didn't really feel like going to school. These past two weeks I've barely attended school at all.

But yesterday after I was dropped off, I went to my first two periods and then left. I just didn't want to be here.

After I left yesterday I went and hung out with a friend of mine. Not too long after that I received a phone call from a counselor at my school. She told me that someone had called safe2tell on me and that she needed to see me. I started freaking out and punching the sidewalk because I thought this was gonna be a repeat of last year with the incident at my school. She said that the school resource officer was sitting in front of my house.

I freaked out because why the fuck would he be sitting there?!

He then called me and old me that he needed to see me. He tried to convince me to come back to school and when I refused, he came and met me in the parking lot of the resteraunt we (my friend and I) were at. He made me take off my jacket, and old me that the caller had said I was cutting my stomach, hips, arms, and legs. Not many people know that.

I denied it, saying that I hadn't cut in over 6 months. He made me take off my jacket and show him my arms and whatnot. Which I was fine with, seeing as those cuts had healed. The ones on my stomach and hips though, not so much.

So after the officer was sitting in front of my house, he called my grandparents and told them everything. I heard later that my grandpa actually broke down in tears, and that broke me. In all the years that I have been alive, I have never seen my grandfather cry. Ever.

So this morning, I had to go talk to the counselor that called me yesterday, and that's where I was at when my school went into a lockdown. At least it got me out of class. I didn't want to be there anyways. My grade in that class is slowly improving, though not enough. Not enough for me to pass.  Currently enrolled in 5 classes. I only need 3 to graduate. I have to do this.

Also an event that happened yesterday was that a friend of mine apparently attempted suicide. Her mom had found out that I was talking to her, and she tried to make me stop. She blocked my number in her daughters phone, and basically took my friend away from me. Yesterday morning she called me and basically told me that I was the reason for her daughters eating disorder, and said I encouraged her daughters drug use. She said that I was the one dragging her daughter down and then tried to be my mother saying I should get help for my eating disorder, and that I couldn't see her daughter till I did.

It was bullshit. I will never go into treatment, not until I reach 108 beautiful pounds of emptiness. Only then will I admit to anyone that I've got an Earing Disorder. But I was pretty upset about that yesterday.

So here's how it is: I have 13 school days left. Less than 2 weeks. I only have to pass 3 classes, and only one is a struggle. But I'm gonna see if I can't bullshit my way through that one class.

As for the incident, I'm in the clear. I covered my ass and am okay. My secret is still safe.

So I guess we will see how the next 13 days pan out, and I'll be having a countdown too. I'm gonna do this. 

Thoughts

I always have to lie.

That's my life. Certain people can't know certain things about me, or I can't tell them certain things. It's because I always have to have a guard up, knowing that people can't accept me for me.

I haven't been home in more than 4 weeks. I actually lost count. I used to go to my second home, but as of recently that isn't even an option. So where do you go when you can no longer go home?

I call it "camping". Funny, right? I've slept in an abandoned shed more than a few times, but I also just continuously walk around. I just wander until it's early enough that people are up and places are open. Sometimes I stay with my best friend, but her mom hates me and I always feel like such a burden when I stay too long.

That other guy I've been friends with, but also been more than friends with... We're kind of together I guess, but we aren't. As far as I'm aware, we're basically friends with benefits. Somehow I feel like that should bother me, but it doesn't. I find peace with him, and that's just what I need right now since my (ex) boyfriend/best friend no longer wants to talk to me. I feel guilty over that too.. And every day I consider getting back with him and I have to remind myself why we broke up. It's a struggle.

I hardly attended school at all this week and have been considering dropping out more and more recently. My last day is supposed to be May 19th. So I have less than 30 days... Why would I drop out now?

Because I need 1 more credit to graduate, and I don't know if I'll get the other 1/2 credit, which means I can't walk. That fate would be worse than the hatred of myself for dropping out. I made the mistake of mentioning it once, and I haven't stopped earring about it since. My family basically went left. So much for support, right?

I'm not sure what my current weight is, since my scale is broken. The last known weight I had was 155. But I've been starving pretty well since then, and Ana has had me in her grips. I've had a lot of anxiety and I've been shutting down a lot recently. Just not thinking, not feeling. Not responding to anything. I guess that's better than the alternative, right?

I'm sure I have more to say.. But I'm tired as duck and haven't really slept in several days. So I'm gonna try to do that now... Night..

Posts-to-be.... :P

Ohh, and I never made a post about Easter/420.. Man, I'm slacking! Though to be honest, I've been so close to entirely falling apart these last few days that I just haven't noticed the days passing by, or the fact that it's already the 24th and I graduate in less than 2 1/2 weeks. For fucks sake.
So I have a couple posts to make, which will be written as soon as I have a computer. It makes editing so much easier, and I kind of have a lot to say. So... Bear with me, but please answer the questions in my last post!! (:

Random 4am Nonsense

Yesterday (technically today for me) was so intense. I don't think I've been emotionally ramped up like that in a while, and I thought only my dad could get me there.
I'll write a proper post about it when I have a computer, in case anyone wants to read it.
So basically I've been sitting on a hard wood floor for like 4 hours, and I'm finally starting to feel the pain. Meh, how I wish I could just crawl into bed and fall into a dark abyss of dreamless sleep. But I can't.
I'm wired, not tired. But I'm out of fun now, so it's gonna be back to mundane life for me. /:
I'm sitting here trying to pack up my room (hah!) and I've packed up basically all of my bookshelf and important things like my notebooks and photos. But I still have so much shit to pack, and honestly, I need more boxes.

But anyways, I'll write more about the crazy ass motherfucking day I had yesterday, just so I can remember it, if nothing else.
I really find it hard to believe that anyone would read my posts. If you're reading, could you leave a few words about why you're following? I mean, I have around 65 followers, but I almost never hear from them.. So it makes me kind of wonder why they still follow my blog?
Well, that's pretty much all I have right now.. So I'll leave you with some questions and hopefully a couple people will answer..
Anyways, I guess I better finish packing what I can, and do my school work. I also have to get up in 2 hours. xD
But I'm okay with anything that comes my way for right now, because I'm high and I'm pretty okay. I mean, like no suicidal thoughts, downward spirals or meltdowns. My head is relatively quiet right now.. As is my stomach. (;
Anyways, proper post to come! Check back, and remember - It's the small things that count. Not the big ones.

Questions!!
1. Why do you read my blog?
2. Do you think I'm Pro-Anorexia?
3. Is there anything you'd like me to write about?
4. Ask me any question you want, I'd like to know that there are still people out there..

Life of A Cutter

Not getting to school on time.

Ditching.

Stress.

Failing grades when I do try.

Anxiety.

Impending homelessness.

Fear if the future.

Food.

My weight.

My selfishness.

My past.

My present.

All of these are one cut on my body, if not more. Always more.

But no matter how hard I try, it's never enough. Cutting doesn't fix any of that..

.. But it makes it temporarily go away.

Temporary is better than not at all.

My Life

Well.. Since my last update, not a lot has changed.

My best friend for 7 years was pregnant and so excited for her baby.. But because of stress, she had a miscarriage. I've been trying to be there for her and comfort her as much as I can, but I know how difficult that can be..

My dad kicked me out basically, and I have to find somewhere to live by June 1st. Right after the graduation of seniors at my school. I'm not sure if I can include myself in that group. I still don't know if I'm dropping out.

School is literally killing me.

Saturday night I went to a rave. I was playing with Jenny, but my friend wasnt. I had a great time, though it would have been more fun if I had some actually fun drugs to do for that rave.

This is a picture I took, though it's blurry. I had a pretty awesome panda hat, though you can't see all of it in the picture.

Yesterday was 4/20, and though they had a celebration in the Capitol, I stayed local and went to a raffle. I smoked some bud with some strangers, though really nice people.

I had fun, as strange as it is. 

That's pretty much my life right now.

Since I had strep 3/4 weeks ago, I haven't been home. I stop in every now and then, but I haven't spent a night there in forever. I took boxes over there about a week ago, but I haven't actually been home to pack.

My dad is being a twat muffin, and he never has anything nice to say to me. But I guess I can't blame him, because I doubt he knows how else to be.

I didn't sleep Saturday night at all, and I only fell asleep This morning at 1. So 49 hours without sleeping. Hah. Thanks Jenny. But this morning I woke up late, and didn't have enough time to properly get ready. So I look like shit, and I feel like shit. I'm sitting in my psych class right now, wishing I could cut. Feeling anxious, restless, distracted. I hate coming down. I love going up, just not coming down.

Not this past Saturday, but the one before that, I had some issues. I ended up cutting all of my left arm from shoulder to wrist, my hips and my stomach. After what I did, I was pretty horrified at myself. But obviously that didn't last very long, as I'm wanting to cut again right now. Maybe I shouldn't even try to fight it.

Ohh, and just a random interjection.. My best friend (mentioned above) has a thing for me, and I totally have a thing for her. But she has a boyfriend/fiancé, so I doubt I'd ever get a chance with her. She flirts with me though.. So I'm kinda confused as to where we stand, or if I should even listen to my feelings towards her. Maybe I should just be content being her best friend, and ignore the rest. -sigh- just my randomness here.

I'm trying... Really trying, to survive. But I'm struggling with that right now. It's such a battle, and I'm not sure I have the right weapons to fight.

Kinda Personal Update

Yesterday was absolutely crazy.

I spent the weekend at my mom's, and usually it's pretty nice. This past weekend was stressful though, and I wasn't able to just relax and have fun like I usually do.

My brother (same mother different father) has 2 daughters. One of them was up there yesterday, and I got to see her. It's crazy in that I know who she is, but I wonder if she knows that her dad is my brother. I'm not very close with that side of my family, and I never have been. I've never been given that chance.

So while I was up at my moms, she was constantly in a bad mood and I wasn't in a much better one. My dad kicked me out basically and I am so not ready. I don't currently have a job, I'm not sure I have money to pay for college, so I don't think I'm gonna be enrolling for this upcoming semester. I'm trying to get a court date with my mom, but I'm not sure that I'd even be able to live with her.

I'm dealing with being suicidal nearly every day, an Eating Disorder, possibly dropping out of school, and just all of these things are happening at once. I feel like my dad kicking me out is just his way of rubbing it in.

So he gave me until June 1st. That's about a month away, and right around the time I graduate. If I even do. I hate him so much.

So yesterday I was having issues because I was severely constipated, to say the least. I took a bunch of laxies around 9 that morning and from 10:30 to about 4:30 I was pacing the same 10 feet of space, back and forth. I had music playing but I wasn't hearing it, I was crying and I was cutting. 6 hours straight. My dad just sat downstairs, oblivious.

My mom had been pissed when she dropped me off, and I spent all day trying to call her. She ignored me. Then she texted me saying she had cut herself, and that she couldn't stop the bleeding. She was basically mocking me, and blaming me for some other stuff. Of course that only made me sink lower. I knew I couldn't do anything so I texted my brother to call her and make sure she was okay. He did and she basically called me a snitch and got even more mad at me.  Eventually around 6, the some 11 - 23 laxies I took finally kicked in, and I was able to rest. Well, not really. The damage was already done. Basically all of my left arm from top shoulder to wrist, my hips and my stomach. That's when I finally began to feel the pain, and I stopped.

I didn't sleep much last night thanks to the laxies, and this morning I decided it was too cold to go to school. So I made up some billshit excuse to get out of going and somewhere around 9 or 10 I decided I didn't want to be home. So I went to hang out with C, the only guy that makes me feel truly at peace. I'm not sure if we're dating, but right now the fact that he loves me for me, accepts me at my worst, and doesn't judge me is enough. I'll take the peace while I can get it, because I don't know how long he will be around.

Yesterday while I was having my freak out, I texted somewhere around 6 different people seeing who would respond to a simple "Hey". All people who I knew could understand the ED aspect of this, but 6 nonetheless. I don't know why this bothers me the way it does, but out of all 6 people I texted, Katie is the only one who talked to me. It wasn't anything huge, but she was just there for me to keep me calm when I was having trouble doing that myself. So thank you. Really.

So I've spent most of my day hanging with my best friend. I've found out that she has a thing for me, as I do her. But she has a boyfriend and now she's pregnant, so I know nothing would ever happen. But we had a good talk about some things, and she really helped me. So not all the people in my life are bad. I'm starting to realize that and really appreciate what I have.

Today I'm paying the price for the damage I've done, but it's nothing less than I deserve. I'd do it again of I had to.

I'm spending the night at my best friend's  so that I don't have to go home. But then tomorrow she and I are going to my house to pack my things. Yesterday I was supposed to pack, but I wanted to just throw everything away. I didn't care if it was sentimental or not. I just wanted to get rid of it. But I'm thinking a bit clearer now (Or am I?) so I'm going to do it tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

I didn't eat for 3 days last week (Sunday -  Tuesday), and then I ate for Wesnesday, fasted Thursday, and ate Friday and Saturday. I fasted yesterday and mostly fasted today.

Someone broke my scale or something, because now it doesn't work. I need to get a new battery for it, but I don't have the slightest clue as to where to look. If anyone is reading this, would you have an idea?

My smallest pants (size 11) and my smallest shorts (size 10) are too big for me and that's the only indication I'm losing weight. The last time I weighed myself I was 155 and after yesterday I really have no desire to eat. I had some hot wing flavored pretzels earlier, with a couple pieces of candy. I also had some peanut butter crackers and a diet mtn dew. Overall, I don't think it was a lot of calories, and I'll go back to fasting tomorrow.

I'm tired today, emotionally exhausted and physically sore. But that's nothing less than I deserve. Tomorrow hopefully it'll be better. I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping too much tonight either, just because I'm scared if I do, I don't think ill wake up in time for school tomorrow. I know I need to stop missing school, but I honestly don't think I can. My senior ditch day is next Friday, and I really want to go. But... I'm not sure if I should.

Anyways, if you've made it through all that, I have to give you props. I wasn't intending for it to turn out that long, but I guess I had a lot to say.

Well, seeya.

Weight loss!

4/10

I've been fasting perfectly lately.

With the commotion in my house and everyone worrying about something, nobody is paying attention to me.

About a week ago I was still stuck at a plateau. But I finally broke through that, and now my weight is just slowly going down.

I've been perfectly empty for so long now, but at the same time it doesn't feel like it.

I'm not sure how long I can keep this up, but the longer the better. I need to be anything but fat. I haven't taken laxies in a while either. But I haven't eaten food. So there would be nothing for my body to digest.. Right?

But.. I might have lost my best friend over my eating disorder.. And I don't know how I feel about that. But maybe if ican keep my eating disorder out of our friendship as much as possible and not be so disordered when I'm around them.. Maybe I can keep this friendship.

We've been best friends for about 6 years now. Almost 7. I'd trust her with my life, if I had to.

But I will not stop losing weight.

Dangerous Games

So.. I'm still here.

I've got a late start, and I was hoping I could sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night. I lay in bed listening to Pandora.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, and I ended up getting high. Yay for me! No. I have to go to school soon and I'm starting to trip shit.

I'm trying to talk myself down and get my heart out of my stomach, but that isn't working so well.

I know what a fine line I'm walking right now. I know how wrong and stupid it is. Don't say it.

Usually I'm not to shabby when I want to hide something. The first thing I've learned is that if you act sketchy, then you'll get caught. Hence why I'm trying to chill the fuck out.

I just gotta breathe.

Remind myself that I'll be fine.

Right.

Ugh. 

Goodbye

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for falling so far down..

When I was supposed to be on top.

For hurting you when you tried to help me..

For taking the dark path.

I'm sorry for not being the perfect child and grandchild you needed.

I tried so hard but even my best wasn't enough.

Some just aren't meant for life.

Survival of the fittest..

And I wasn't it.

Remember who I used to be. Before I lost myself.

My pain is just unbearable and I've tried everything.

I am drowning in the darkness.

And I just couldn't pull myself out.

Why didn't you see? Signs were everywhere.. But I also didn't want you to see..

Don't blame yourself.

Just know that I am in a better place now..

I don't have to hurt anymore.

Maybe I can be happy somewhere else.

I just didn't fit in here..

I'm sorry.. I love you. I have always and will always love you. Believe that, if nothing else... Goodbye.

Hi there.

The last time I wrote here feels like ages ago. I feel like a lot in me has changed. A lot of things have happened. I'll try not to go into too much detail, otherwise this post would be super long.

If anyone is reading this.

Try not to judge me too harshly.

I've been sick with Strep for roughly the last two weeks. I haven't eaten anything in a couple of days and I know I'm losing weight, though I don't know how much.

I finally fit into a small of youth yoga pants and my smallest pants are slightly big on me.

I had a small pregnancy scare, but lucky for me it turns out I'm not pregnant. So happy for that.

Since then I've definitely made an attempt to be smarter..

I tried some dangerous drugs, and liked it. I can't really admit that to anyone... So it's gonna have to be said here, where nobody can find it.

I haven't decided if I want more yet.

After fasting for the last 3 days, I ate 380 calories. I took a couple laxatives and am gonna be fasting for a couple more days starting tomorrow. I guess only through just straight starving can I lose weight. I'm anxious to know my actual weight though.

I fucked myself over in school and now I just have to deal with it. There's really nothing much I can do except star tfrom now, do the best I can, and hope for the best.

Wish me luck.

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

I had:

1 cup of Cheerios (100)

1/2 cup of fat free milk* (75)

Sugar (30)

Coffee (90)

for breakfast this morning. The milk I mostly poured out, I didn't drink any of it. So my total for breakfast is 220.

More than I'd have liked, but I'll compensate with lunch/dinner.

My weight remains frustratingly the same this morning. So I'm going to try to go for more walks, and try to keep my caloric intake the lowest it can possibly be.

......

220 feels like a lot to have in one meal. It's such a huge number. Two-hundred and twenty calories. Two hundred and twenty little pieces of fat that are going to cement themselves to my body.

How disgusting.

I think I'm gonna take a walk and try to use some amount those calories up.

For lunch I had:

Chicken and rice soup (200)

1/2 a banana (45)

-200 for walking

Total cals today: 465

Net cals: 265

I'm still gonna work on burning more of it off. I'm still disgusting.

Just Thinking

The scale definitely said something I didn't like this morning. Ugh. I knew it was going to, despite the laxies.

It's late afternoon here, an so far I've fasted all day. I've had diet dr. Pepper, coffee, and some water, and no more.

I know I have to lose weight.

I went shopping earlier, and I was thinking about dresses. I've never been much for them, but now I'm starting to want some. :P (kill me before I get too girly here) But I want to be able to wear them and look pretty... Which means losing weight. I've got all kinds of ideas that have to make my weight go down. I've got all weekend to do it, too. Wish me luck!!

I'm finally not sick anymore, which I'm happy about. (: the only symptom that I have is my ear infection, but there's nothing I can do for that. I'm just happy to be off the fucking steroids. They were all kinds of wrong.

I've just got to remember to just keep breathing, despite how much I don't want to. Just more second, just one more minute, just one more day.

April 1st is coming up. If you've followed my blog for at least a year, you'll know what I'm talking about.

My impulses are growing stronger, and I'm feeling slightly less inclined to fight them off. It'd be the perfect date. Sick and twisted, but perfect nonetheless.

-sigh- it's whatever.

Anyways, I hope you're having a good day. Seeya.

Update

Well, I just totaled my cals for the day... And it's not even dinner yet.

I'm regretting seeing that number, so much. I wish I hadn't calculated them, but at the same time I had to know.

I took around 7 laxies, so I really hope I don't gain tomorrow. I'll probably take some more after dinner.

In May, my family is going out of state for my cousins graduation, and they want me to go with. I honestly don't know if I want to.

Here's the pros and cons.

Pro's:

- it'll be fun, and I'll get to see my family.

- it'll be much warmer than it is here.

- it'll be a fun road trip with my family.

- perfect chance to meet hot guys, now that I'm single.. (;

Con's:

- if I go, I have to massively tan before I go. They can't see my scars.

- ill have to get a pair of swimming trunks so that I can hide the majority of my scars.

- Cant wear shorts, must wear leggings or pants

- I'm fat, and I don't want them to see how fat I've gotten.

- Eartng at least 2/3 times a day (my family is made of people who love food and love to eat)

So... Right now there are a lot more cons than there are pros. I've got some tanning lotion though, and I'm going to start using it to see if it helps. Maybe if I start now, 2 months will be good enough. Long enough to at least hide most of my scars. I know that some of the more "purple" ones and the deeper ones won't fade, and that's just something I'm going to have to deal with. 

Though about a year ago, my youngest cousin had a go at cutting. I wouldn't have known this, but my family is full of gossipers. So everyone knew he was doing it. They made such a big deal out of it and I know it wasn't helpful to him. But my scars are much worse than his are, and probably in a greater number. I couldn't face them if they saw them, I couldn't imagine how they'd react.

So my options are to either tan them away as much a possible and deal with that loss, or don't go at all. I guess I'll see how much weight I can lose before them too.

Speaking of which, I'm starting a fast tomorrow. I think I'm going to make it a soup- type fast. Like, one day I'll eat chicken noodle soup broth only, and the next day eat just the 190 cals of soup. It's going to be a very restrictive fast, and I've also got to worry about school.

I just wish it was over already.

I'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow and start tracking my weightloss. Since I don't have another person to work with, I'm going to just have to compete with myself and use my blog.

So that should be coming up.

It's been kind of nice here, with the sun shining. It would be nice to be able to sit outside and enjoy the sun, but I'm much too cold for that. I have not been able to stay warm recently. It kind of sucks. But I guess that's just something I'm gonna deal with. I hope this weather stays, and that it doesn't decide to recede into winter again. 

Well, that's pretty much all I've got to update right now. Have a lovely day. Xx

Done.

Fuck life.

Feeling Sick and Restless

Yesterday I was taken to the doctor because we thought I had Strep. I ended up testing negative, so they started thinking it was Mono, but again I tested negative. After a few more tests, I got diagnosed withTonsillitis. So now I'm on antibiotics for the next 4 days.

With that being said, everyone is trying to get me to eat food. Yesterday was kind of a binge.. But somehow I haven't gained. Still in that plateau.

I'm eating significantly less food today. I've had half of a banana and an omelette, a pancake with syrup, and a glass of apple juice. But it's only 9am here and I've been up since 3am. So I've got all day to burn that off, plus probably another 200 cals (I have to eat something for lunch and dinner with my meds, though low cal).. Think I can do it? I can.

I'm gonna be hoping for a loss tomorrow. 

I've got this strange thing going on with my stomach. I'll be standing or sitting somewhere and feel absolutely fine. Then 2 seconds later, without any warning I'll throw up. It sucks, and it happens even if my stomach is empty.

So I've been taking some anti-puke pills and they help a little bit.

I'm enjoying my spring break, for the most part.

I just can't think about school or I'll start panicking

All I want to do is sleep. Either that or go for a run, though that option is kind of out of the question for a while. But it makes me feel fat.

I didn't sleep much last night (only from like 11 to 3am) and then I was up, so I smoked a bunch of weed and when I got back from breakfast, I slept from about 9 to 3. Ugh. Even if my body needed it, I hate it. I'd rather be awake during the day.

I've been feeling suicidal again, and yet again there's nothing I can do except shut down and just be. Not feel, not think. My arms pay the price.

It's a beautiful day outside, but there's nothing to do. At least it feels like Spring a little. It's still only 36 degrees here, though.

I'm gonna try to enjoy it while I can.

I'm addicted to listening to Eminem. I'm not sure why, but I like his music. Anyone else listen to him?

Well, that's really all I've got to say. I hope everyone else has a good day too. 

I want to scream. I want to punch walls.

I want to physically hurt myself in all ways possible.

I kind of want to degrade myself and cause myself the worst amount of pain. I want to hate. I need to hurt.

I need to break myself down until there's nothing left.

I am a monster, not a human.

I don't even know. This is destroying me, and I'm letting it. How much longer will I stand before I fall?

I'm afraid not very long.

It Happened.

So I finally talked to my boyfriend last night. It wa a hard conversation to have, but after talking about a lot of different things.. We broke up.

I knew it was probably going to happen. I was preparing myself for it, but apparently not enough. I layed in bed last night an it took everything I had not to text or call him and take back everything. But I keep trying to make myself believe it is for the best. We agreed on staying friends, but I'm not sure that's even possible.

How do you go from loving someone to "just being friends"? Even so, I don't want to lose him, not after everything we've been through together.

But I'm okay with knowing that why I did is for his benefit as well as mine. We both deserve to be happy. But 3 years is a long ass time.

No work got done yesterday, and then I was going to wake up early this morning to do it... But that failed too. Then I had about a half hour before my first class this morning, and I didn't get anything done there either. I have 3 days left before I can forget about it all for a while. Why is it so hard?

My mom got some mushrooms for her birthday which is on Sunday. She wants me to spend it with her and tripp. So that should make for an interesting weekend.

I have 3 classes today, and I'm not excited about any of them. I just want it all to be over, and tomorrow too, and Fiday. I want to not stress out so much.  But j can't slack off for these three days. So I'm going to try to shit my mind off as much as possible and just get through these days.

Restless Procrastination

I've taken somewhere around 14 laxatives so far today, but it still doesn't feel like enough. I'm visibly shaking, but I'm not hungry. That to me is the equivalent of failure.. How could I not be hungry?

I've been trying to work on schoolwork all afternoon, but I haven't gotten very far. I can't concentrate very well, and I can feel the swell of anticipation as it nears 6:30 here. Hopefully I'll have some answers.
I've spent all day inside, pretty much. Does that make anyone else restless?
But there's really nothing I can allow myself to do, seeing as I've got a ton of schoolwork to be done and it simply isn't getting done.

So far today I've had 490 cals. Which consisted of half a burrito (which my body rejected thanks to laxies) and a little bit of soda, to try to calm my stomach. Hopefully that doesn't make me gain tomorrow. It'd be really nice if I could weigh in 2.5+ lbs lower tomorrow. All I can do is hope though.

All I want to do is sleep. I haven't got any weed to calm my raging thoughts, so I just want to sleep and let the world fade away for a long while. But I can't let myself sleep until all of my schoolwork is done, and there's more than I remember having.
I can't wait until I'm out of school and can walk away from it knowing I never have to return to it. I know there's college and all, but I'm still unsure about my future there, so I'm avoiding thinking about it.

I don't know how to get rid of this restlessness. I've been procrastinating my schoolwork all day, and I think the stress from that is what's causing it. But when you have to write 4 - 5 short essays, it's easy to procrastinate.
But I need to get it done.
So I'm gonna go figure shit out with my boyfriend (assuming that's at all possible) and then it's back to schoolwork. Wish me luck?

Question?

Last night I took around 4 laxies, expecting them to kick in around 2 - 6am this morning. They kicked in between 6 and 7am instead, and I ended up telling my family I was sick and throwing up so I could stay home.
Since then, I've been taking about 3 laxatives every hour. So far I'm at 8 and it's just past noon. I'm not planning on eating anything either. After seeing my weight this morning, eating anything is out of the question.

I'm still unsure of things with my boyfriend, but I'm trying to find a way to talk to him and figure things out. Our communication isn't great, which is one of the reasons we're probably breaking up.
I've got a question for anyone reading this and willing to answer. Answers would be greatly appreciated. So here it is: How would you define a whore/skank/cheater/slut/etc? I know those aren't exactly the same thing, but any answers would be appreciated.

I'm ready for spring. It's only 2 days away, yet it's snowing here. It's snowed a lot this past Winter, and I'm quite ready for it to be over. I mean, there's 3 days until Spring Break! How could it possibly be snowing? Haha.
Anyways, that's my thought processes today; nothing too interesting. I hope everyone has a good day.

My Mountains

I've lived here my entire life, and if I ever lived anywhere else... I wouldn't know what to do. I think it's absolutely beautiful.

I took a trip with my aunt up to the mountains this weekend, and here is the view that I could see. Although it was cold, it was absolutely beautiful.

I wonder what others who don't live here think of it. Do they see the same beauty? I've lived in the city my entire life. But I've known people who have lived in the mountains, and I can't help but think what a different life that must be. Not in a bad way.

I was so happy I got to take this trip with them, because I really don't get to go up there enough. I love it every time I go though. And even seeing the city from the mountain point of view, it's crazy. It's so different, and I'm so happy that I get to live here.

One Step Forward...

Two steps back.

Yesterday wasn't a great food day.. And I took somewhere around 8 laxies in the evening. They didn't kick in.

So for breakfast I ate half of a potato, tomato, egg, and cheese burrito (around 160). Took 2 laxies.

Then I had lunch with my aunts which was 2 chicken tenders with a few French fries. (Guessing 300). Took 2 more laxies. Thought about it and took 8 more.

I had 330 cals in liquids, and 190 in Pringles. Took 4 more laxies, because they still hadn't kicked in.

Had dinner and had to eat too much, and now I'm debating taking 8 more laxies.

Total cals for the day = Too many

Total laxies = 24

Still not enough.

Tomorrow I'm fasting, for at least 4 days. I'm also going back to vegetarianism with a few vegan tendencies. I felt better that way. Laxies are kicking in slowly, and I'm gonna keep taking them until I'm empty.

In May my family wants me to go on a trip with them to visit family. But as it will be summer and they have a more humid climate, I won't be able to wear hoodies. They don't know about my self harm or even my scars. So I'm nervous to go and wondering if I'll have time to tab enough to hide them. Stupid stress.

I cut a few different times today. It's almost like I have to do it more and deeper these days just to feel okay. I'm still waiting to hit rock bottom, but I might as well enjoy the view in the way down. So that's what I'm doing.

Just an update. I'll weigh tomorrow even though I know I shouldn't. I hope it isn't too bad.

Moving Forward

So it seems like I'm on a roll here.

There was fucking up with A, who won't speak to me now. I've tried several times and gotten basically no response.

Then there's another guy, C, that my roommate is trying to set me up with. The only thing is.. I'm not interested. If anything, he and I will just be friends. But I'm not even sure that's a possibility right now. I met him for the first time yesterday, and I suppose it went alright.  Not too sure what to make of him though.

I'm trying to talk to my boyfriend, but so far that's just not happening very well. The thing is.. I liked being able to have some fun, however wrong it may have been under the circumstances. I don't necessarily regret what I did, just how I went about doing it. I've realized the reality of this long distance relationship. It's had positive sides, but it has had negatives too. But essentially it all comes down to what I need. I need someone here, who I can actually be with and see. Right now, I don't have that.

So next chance I get to talk to him, hopefully I'll able to figure this out.

I'm starting to get really tired of hiding all the time. Hiding my scars, hiding my pain. I was in a t-shirt yesterday and my roommate saw my lower forearms. She made some comment to the effect of "I hope you're not doing that anymore." I said I wasn't. I lied and told her that it had been 7 months to a year since the last time I cut or burned. But it hasn't. She mentioned how she has seen my upper arms, which is where the deeper scars are. Usually I'm always in a hoodie and hiding me. When I sleep is the only time I don't think about hiding them. But she said she was in my room while I was sleeping and saw them, and I freaked. For one, I have a phobia about people being in my room while I'm asleep, but also because my roommate has some sir of fascination with my self harm. When I first did the deep one on my thigh, she wanted to see it. While it headed, she wanted to know everything about it. The ones on my arms, she wants to see. Which makes me really uncomfortable. They're my cuts for me.. As stupid as that may sound. But I always have to hide them because they make everyone else uncomfortable. They act like they're afraid of me. And that just makes it worse.

My dad also admitted yesterday to going in my room while I wasn't there. I have some serious privacy issues, because that was the one place I shouldn't have to hide everything about myself. But apparently, now I do.

Am I overreacting, or do I have a right to be upset?

I'm ready for the weekend. I currently haven't got plans, though I'm trying to make some. But I'm also going to rest for a little while I can before next week. It's hell week, since it's right before spring break. I'm slightly excited for spring break, though I haven't got plans for that either. No definite ones, at least. I'm probably the most boring teenager ever.. I don't do really anything.

I'll have to try to fix that. (:

I don't know what my weight is. I'm right on the boarder between two different chunks of weight, and I can't seem to he past it. So I'm gonna give IF a shot, seeing it can help. I just need to lose around 4 lbs with IF and then it should creak my plateau. Wish me luck?

Have any of you (if you're reading this) hear if the song Pompeii by Bastille? The first time I listened to it, I didn't think much of it. Then heard it again, and now I'm addicted to it. I can't stop playing it on my iPod.

But I always need new music, so if you have any good songs, leave me a comment? It'd be greatly appreciated. (:

Anyways, that's my long-ish update for now. It turned into a little bit of a rant, but if you managed to read through all of that, I give props to you.

I need to remember this!! ^^

....

I messed up. Kinda sorta really bad.

I messed up in more ways than one, and I know I should feel worse than I do.

I've sunk to being just that low of a person, and I'm undeserving of every good thing in my life. The one person I've told about it basically told me what I already know.

But I can't do it. As much as I know I need to do it, I'm more inclined to hide it. Forget it ever happened, and never say a word. I could do it too...

I know how distrustful I am.

I'm manipulative.

I'm a bitch.

I'm not worthy of what I have anymore.

But I feel almost nothing. I say almost, because I'm fucked up in ways beyond my years. I feel everything.. Anger. Guilt. Panic. Hate. Shame. More guilt.

But I feel nothing at the same time. Nothing I'm supposed to feel... Remorse. A want to make it right. To lose them because of my actions, as I deserve to do.

No.. I'm apparently not that good of a person anymore. I've sunk way lower... But still I feel nothing.

Undeserving

Fuck me. I'm so fucking fat. And I ate Chinese food tonight. I didn't deserve that, but I did it anyways. I'm so gonna gain.

 "Too big for me"...

Well fuck you , too! There goes my self esteem. 

I want to cut , so much. I've cut my arms, but it's not enough. I need to cut more. But I know that no matter how much I cut, it will never be enough.

I feel sick to my stomach. I wish I had something to make it all fade away. Yes, I'm talking about drugs and alcohol. But I don't. I have to do this on my own.

I'm trying not to freak out and have a panic attack. What I ate doesn't feel like 375 cals. And my laxies aren't working. So I guess I'll take more.

It's time to stop thinking.

Peace out.

Update

Heya.

It snowed yesterday, and rained for a little while. I wish the rain would've stayed around longer.

I absolutely love the rain. Everything about it. It's so simple, yet it has the power to make me so happy.

Someday I'll take a roadtrip and find several rainy places to go. I'll camp outside, and just enjoy it.

Someday.

The essay that I had to write? I stayed up until 3am and handed it in. Not even an hour after that, he handed it back and told me he wouldn't even grade it because everything about it was wrong. He gave me until Monday to redo it, which actually translates into Sunday from 1pm-ish on. Fuck that.

I'm not stressing this weekend. Yesterday was a good day mentally and emotionally although I ate more than I wanted to. Today will be too. Tomorrow I'll worry about my schoolwork, and myself. Everything that usually gives me anxiety.

I saw my mom today. We're so close to getting everything just so that it's perfect. Freedom. But I still have to wait.

Spring break for me is in about 2 weeks. Depending on whether I can get a car and my liscense by then or not, I might be taking a trip to Florida for a bit to visit family and a friend. I am starting to doubt it. I'm not prepared for that at all. But we'll see.

Other than that, I haven't really got much to say. Life is pretty okay this weekend and I'm gonna enjoy it before it's back to school. (:

Fuck School/Graduation

I'm so over school. I just don't think I can take much more of this stress, and the hard part hasn't even come yet.

I was failing AP Lit and I went and talked to my teacher, and he basically gave me until the end of today to turn everything in. He assigned two essays that were due yesterday, huge assignments. I wasn't done, and he gave me a slight extension.

I was up until 3am this morning writing my essay, and I was hoping to at least get partial credit. About an hour after I turned it in, he handed it back and told me he wouldn't even grade it because everything about it was incorrect, and it basically sucked.

So that was all for nothing.

I'm quite a bit crushed right now... I can't believe it.

I was hoping to enjoy my weekend, and I suppose I still will try. But having that hang over my head is definitely not going to be possible to ignore.

I have so much work in school right now that there just isn't enough time to do it all. How can they expect us students to complete it all?

My weight is pretty much staying the same, but I'm planning to fast from 9am today to the end of Sunday. If I do well on this essay and my assignments for that class, only then will I be allowed to rest and eat.

I feel like I talk about school a lot here, and I don't like it. But school is literally my life right now. It's pretty much the cause of all of my stress, all of my thoughts, everything.

I have a little less than 2 1/2 months until my graduation. That scares the shit out of me. But all I can do is accept it and graduate. I will be the first person in my family to graduate high school.

That's a tripp. How is that possible?

Anyways, that's just an overview of my life right now.. I need the weekend to come, but at the same time I don't want it to.

Spring Is Coming!

It's been sunny and warm here, for the most part. At least during the day. I love it! I can feel Spring coming, and it makes me super excited.

This TCAP testing is messing with my schedule, and it's kind of crazy. But next Tuesday I have no school (Thanks to TC(r)AP. So I'm pretty psyched.

My weight has been going down, though by how much I'm not sure. Last I weighed was 161 (partially dressed) and I was bloated. So I know I'm in the 150's. Which I'm happy about. I just want this fucking bloating to stop...
Whoever said laxatives don't aid in weightloss is wrong, because I'm pretty sure that's the only way I've been losing weight. But hey! I'll take it. A loss is a loss.

Anyways, I just wanted to update here.. As I haven't in a few days. I had a high-calorie lunch, and took 6 laxies. It's been almost 5 hours and they still haven't kicked in. I'm debating whether or not to eat dinner and take more laxies... I need to feel empty again.

I hate how everything feels unstable right now, and like if I take one wrong step I'm done for. Life isn't supposed to be like that, or maybe it is. What the hell do I know? But I guess if I can't enjoy it, I can at least grin and bear it - until I figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. We'll see how well that works out.

I hope everyone reading this has a groovy kind of day! (; Appreciate the small things and try not to stress so much.

New Week, New Start

This has been a really lazy weekend for me, and this week will be pretty lazy as well.

I have standardized testing for the underclassmen at my school, so for most days my classes don't start until around noon. Which I think will be nice. Or so I'm hoping.

Maybe I'll be able to exercise, and it will at least help me fast a bit. I want to fast as much as possible.

Today my family has been really irritating. They want to make conversation but I don't want to talk. I want to just be left alone and be silent. I know I'm slipping back into my depression, but I don't want to pull myself out. It's easier to just live with the misery right now.

I want to get out of my house and go somewhere or do something, but I don't know what there really is to do. I'm avoiding schoolwork as much as I can until the last possible moment I have to do it.

I'll be going home here soon, and then there's some cleaning I know I have to do. I don't mind that so much, since it's mostly mindless work.

I had a little bit of lunch with my grandparents, and took around 6 laxies afterwards. I hope I don't gain.

I just want to say thank you to Katie Elizabeth here on blogger. She's been such a great support to me, even in my dark times. She always leaves kind words on my posts and makes me smile. She's there to talk to when I need a friend, and I'm grateful for that. So thank you. Xx

   ^^ She alway comes to lay with me when I'm having a hard day. It's so sweet.

I hope everyone reading this has a good week, because you deserve it. 

Fear Controls Me

I'm scared to sleep, scared of what I might find there. But at the same time, I want nothing more than to fall into sleep and away from reality.

It's almost 1 am here, and I know I should be sleeping but I can't. The laxies I took earlier should kick in here soon. I really hope so.

I weighed myself earlier. (Almost fully dressed) and the scale said 165. I weighed again just a little bit ago, and the scale said 164.5. So my weight is dropping, but I'm also bloated and had extra weight added so I'm not stressing too much. But I just want my fucking period over with.

I feel purposeless, and that's probably the worst feeling ever because where do you go from here? What do you do? I don't know.

I have a stupid cold combined with allergies and I think it's starting to make my tonsils swell up again. This scares me because both times I've had it happen before I was almost rushed to the ER because my throat was closing and I couldn't breathe. I really don't want it to happen again, but there's not much more ican do that I'm not already doing. I guess hope. I just have to hope the swelling goes down.

I'm trying to stay calm and not freak out about everything. Having someone to talk to right now would be amazing, but normal people are asleep. Can't blame them.. I would be too.

So I'm on my own.

Wish me luck.

Whatever.

I'm so scared of the future.

Not necessarily of tomorrow, or the day after. I'm afraid of next year and beyond.

Scared of growing up, but also more than that.

I'm scared of changing as I know I will. I'm scared of what that means.

It's not just a slight fear, though. Thinking about even the smallest part of it gives me panic attacks. Makes me want to run and hide.

... Makes me even more sure that I won't be around for it to happen.

I cut again to tonight. I've missed it, and I can't deny that it felt good.. But it's not enough. It's never enough.

Nothing is ever enough, and quite frankly I'm just fucking done. Nothing ever changes, and it never will. This is all ill ever be until the day I die. Which might not be so far away.

I'd say I'm sorry... But I'm simply just done feeling. I don't want to care anymore, and I don't want to exist.

I'm done.

Saturday Yet Again

I've not done a lot today. But I'm trying to be okay with that.

I haven't eaten much either. I had 1 cheezeit cracker, and a couple of chocolate chip cookies (the mini kind) toget the rest of the laxies out of my system and now, I'm gloriously empty.

I'm kind of sick right now, so I don't feel like doing much except laying around. I did go for a walk though.

There was this guy in a wheelchair that came up to me while I was walking  and started saying some really creepy stuff. I basically told him that I can't help him and made up an excuse to leave, but he was still really creepy.

I didn't feel like he was gonna hurt me though.

 I'm not weighing myself because I'm on my period and I know the number will just be high. So once my period is over, I'll see where I stand.

I wish I could just cease to have my period. I know that means I'd be infertile, but I honestly don't care. I don't want my own kids anyways.

I've been kind of sad today, but I'm trying to hide it and push it away as much a I can. Later tonight ill deal with it when nobody else is around.

That's pretty much all I've got to say for now, I'll update more later maybe. I hope everyone is having a better weekend than I am.

Dinner

I took 4 laxies this morning, not planning on eating much. But as always seems to happen when I'm around my family, they're expecting me to eat. I tried to get out of it, but my family is like me - stubborn.

They aren't accepting no as an answer. So I'm intending to eat as little as possible, and take laxies immediately after. I don't want tis food in my stomach.. I want to be blissfully empty again.

So here goes nothing.

Pen Pals?

I was reading Katie's blog, and she mentioned pen pals.

I love this idea.

I would absolutely love to have a pen pal. Someone who I could exchange letters with and get to know. Maybe even exchange other things. ^-^

If anyone would like to do this with me, leave me a comment below or email me at lastdaytolife@gmail.com.

Fading Away

Watch me fade from the view,

From your memory,

As if I never existed.

It's... That time again. War with myself over what people know about me, and the fact that I feel like I can't talk to anyone anymore. What response am I looking for? I don't even know. The guilt and trapped feeling are just too much. 

Well

There are about three people I'd be willing to talk to right now. Maybe. But the rest of the people in my life, I seriously need them to fuck off.

There's this one kid.. (Warning: May be slightly bitchy)

He texts me every day. Seriously. I NEVER text him back anymore, because its so stupid. I know exactly what he will say, and in what order. It never changes, and I've just grown tired of it. We never say anything worthwhile of saying, so it just seems pointless. He always asks me to hang out, and I've been making up excuses for months now. But still he doesn't take the hint. I try not to be a bitch, but damn. It's fucking hard sometimes.

Most other people don't talk to me. There's a kid in one of my classes who always wants to hang after class. I wish he wouldn't, most of the time. But that isn't fair, because we're supposed to be friends.

Why do I alway have to be the bitch?

My best friend, even. It's hard to be around her right now, and it's all my fault. I'm the reason it's hard.

Why am I finding it so hard to be around people now?

I think somewhere in my mind, I know that if I push everyone away, eventually there won't be anyone left. And once I'm alone, like really and truly alone, and there isn't anyone left to fight for me.. Then I can choose my way out and nobody will miss me.

This is where my heads at today.. And my heart.

I'm a bitch, and I'm sorry.

Laxative Abuse

Well... Yesterday definitely could have been worse.

But again, I'm to fast.

Last night I came across this documentary type video about a girl who had lost over 100 lbs from taking laxies. They were talking about all the damage you do when you take such high amounts of laxies on a regular basis. Katie, you have had side effects from laxies, that I've read about and heard you talk about. I know that all of that should be enough to convince me to stop taking them.. But if anything I don't want to stop. I have a mentality similar to "It won't happen to me" and that's so stupid. It very well could happen to me.

I was just thinking about this because my friend told me yesterday that I need to stop taking so many laxies before I donpeanent damage to myself. But.. When I looked up physical symptoms of laxative abuse, I was already exhibiting two of the signs they talked about.. Though I won't mention them specifically. 

But none of it is enough to make me stop. Maybe it never wil be.. Not unless it kills me.

Restart ):

Let me put this simply. Going home last night, I fucked up. I fucked up really bad..

So I didn't weigh today. I'm fasting today and tomorrow as well, and exercising as much as possibe. 

I just hope it's enough.

Weight Loss!!

So after what I ate yesterday, and the laxies I took last night... The scale read 159.2.

I stepped off of it and stepped on it again, and the same number came up. It's still rediculously fat, but that's a loss. I'm not sure I trust it though.. Because just a few days ago I weighed at least 5 lbs more than that. Could I really be in the 150's??

I'm fasting as much as I can today, and then tomorrow ill weigh myself on a different scale and see. I'll be crushed if a higher number comes up.

It seems like every time I'm here I restrict/fast really well and always seem to lose weight. I love it.

If only I could figure out what makes such a thing possible here, but not at my house.

My next goal is 156. That's what I was supposed to weigh by the end of February. I fucked it up, but maybe there's a slight chance that I can still make it. There is 5 days left in February.

I guess I will know based on what the scale says tomorrow. Do I dare to hope?

Fuck Me, Again

I ate a 280 cal 6" sub from Subway. It's only 280 cals but fuck me. I know for sure now that I'm not gonna lose any weight tomorrow.

My anxiety is so high and I took 8 laxies but fuck. They take time to work and I need them to work NOW. I hate having food in my stomach, but I hate feeling full more.

I am a waste of space. I would say I'm only human, but I'm not worthy of even being called that. I hate myself.

I know that I could have eaten a piece of lettuce and still felt worthless, but I don't care. I AM worthless. I don't deserve food. Food is for the living, and I don't even deserve to live.

I want to cut so badly right now. I hate this.

Pretty Much Everything

It's Saturday, it's 48 degrees outside, and it's beautiful. What am I doing? Laying on a couch, or pacing around her house, listening to music. I don't want to go outside because I'm cold and I know if I do then I'll only get colder and start shaking again. Inside or out, I'm fucking cold. Wearing 2 shirts and 3 hoodies, I'm still fucking cold. I can't seem to get warm no matter what I do, but sometimes I don't mind it..

Shivering burns calories, after all...

I woke up at 7 this morning so I could shower and hop on a bus up North. The last time I ate was at about 6 or 7 last night. So for roughly the last 21 hours, I've fasted.. Perfectly empty. I feel hyper, like I could do anything. I feel high. And when I feel like this, I can't ever imagine eating and getting rid of this feeling. It's perfect.

I hesitate in even the implication that I could have an eating disorder, because I'm still so fat. Everyone swears that I'm not, but they're lying. I mean it's "Socially rude" to tell someone else that they're fat, or even to agree with them if they call themselves fat. The difference between me and everyone else? I know what I am, and they don't.

I hate that I wear so many hoodies all the time and that I have to layer up because I'm cold. It just makes me look fatter. Not that I need any help with that.

I wish I could sit down with my best friend and just tell her what goes on inside my head without the guilt. Tell her when I come so close to reaching for the pills or my knife. But I can't. She's got her own issues to worry about, and I don't want to be one of them. I want to help her, not make her life harder. The same goes for anyone around me. They're all fighting their own battles and I should be helping them win.

I think about my boyfriend at least twice a day. It makes me sad to remember, so I try not to. I wish I could call him and tell him everything, but it would change nothing. What I need most is for him to be here. To wrap me in his arms and just hold me. To kiss away my tears and to tell me I'm beautiful. Or just to even give me a hug. (And to keep me warm..) But he can't, and I couldn't ever tell him that's what I need from him. So I just stay silent and avoid. Like I've been doing for the last month or so..

I don't want to be nothing to someone when they are my everything..

I want someone to care.

I'm actually feeling kind of okay today.. Or at least not as bad. During the day is easiest, when I can shove the thoughts back. Night is hardest, when I can't push them back anymore and they take over. When I'm with people, I try to hide it. Try to appear normal. I wonder if anyone notices.

I'm giving myself 1 week to lose 6 lbs. I know it's not very realistic, but I'm gonna do my best to make it happen, and anything less is just unacceptable. I'm off to a good start though. I'll weigh tomorrow and see where my weight is at and see where I'm headed. Wish me luck.

Fuck!

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.

Fuck my family. Fuck being human. Fuck life. I'm done.

I don't want you to give a fuck about what I eat. If I want to fucking starve, then I should be able to. If I want to die, let me. But just leave me the fuck alone.

I can't live like this. I can't pretend to be normal. I can't hurt any more people. Not even the ones I love.

I'm done. I want to hide and die. I'm sorry..

Friday Morning

I'm fasting today. No exceptions. I made myself a cup of coffee this morning, and that's all.

Maybe I'll have another cup later, but no solid food. For as long as I can stand to liquid fast, before I pass out.

I sent a friend of mine a picture of how pregnant I looked last night. I still look pregnant... I'm just hidingitbehind three hoodies so I can at least just appear fat and not pregnant. (Finally being warm is nice too!)

That picture though I enough to spoil the desire to eat at all. I'm fucking obese.

So! No food for me.

I shouldn't even be in school today as I don't have my binder and the rest of my school things. I hate being unprepared.. But this is a result of a choice that *I* made. So I have nobody to blame except myself.

I already know that I won't be attending either my AP Lit class or my Forensics class. I know exactly what that'll do to me, but I'm unprepared for them, so I can't go. I can't even bullshit my way though it. I need to get my ass in gear so that I can at least pass with semi-good grades. In 3/5 in my classes, I have C's. granted, they're within 2% of a B. I have one F (AP Lit), and a B. But that is not good enough. This is my last semester of high school, and I have to do better than this.

Anyways, enough of my bitching for now.

Peace.

Nonsense

I'm at the point where I don't want to write anymore. Don't want to breathe. To move. To think. I want to just sit and stare at a wall and not exist.

I don't want to cut because I can never cut deep enough.

I starve, but never well enough.

I don't want to think because my thoughts are repetitive.

I hate muself for not going to the gym today. I hate myself for eating more than just the ramen.

I don't want to speak because I say the same thing over and over again and it's tiresome.

I smoked nearly an entire pack of cigarettes today. I mean, aside from 8, I smoked the rest. And that scares the fucking shit out of me.

I don't know what I want anymore. The calm happy/numb feeling I've felt these last few weeks is fading away and all that's left is either anger or numbness.

My best friends mom called me hostile and banned me from her apartment. That's been eating at me too.

Why the fuck does ANYONE even read my posts?

I want to run away. I.. Might. I've been thinking.

I'm scared to sleep because I fear my dreams and I have no weed to help me sleep, dreamless sleep. Eventually I will crash. The body can only go so long without sleep.

I'm trying to find somewhere to stay this weekend so I don't have to be at home. But so far that's looking like where I will end up. Either that or just wandering around.

I should go to the gym, but I should do a lot of things I don't. I only have the pass till Sunday anyways.

Whatever.

This post doesn't even make any sense. I'm buzzing from cutting, loopy from lack of sleep, and feeling slightly suicidal, but I guess I'm doing pretty alright when you compare my life to that of others.

I have nothing to complain about.

Well I Am.

I look back at my old posts.. And all I feel is disgust. I'm a failure.
Whatever the fuck I am, I do not have an eating disorder. I am fat, and I always will be.
I am nothing. Not worth the effort. Stupid.
I am a failure, in anything and everything I do.
I am miniscule compared to others, a speck of dirt on a beautiful painting. Who am I fooling?
I am nothing. I disappoint myself so deeply that I can't even put it into words. But I shouldn't have to. Just look at me and you'll know. You'll see the failure written over every fiber of my being.
I'm pathetic, stupid, and worthless. A failure.
I'm a joke. Want someone to laugh at? Me. I'm a perfect example of what NOT to be. And that's always how it's going to be.
Fuck me. You have no idea.

Escape.

When I'm in school, I plan ways to get out of class early. To leave. I fabricate lies to make others believe. Sometimes I don't even bother going to class. What do I do instead? Nothing. I walk around. Listen to music.

When I'm at home, I'm always planning somewhere to go and something to do. What am I escaping from?

I don't know.

Lies are a natural part of my life. I don't think I know anyone who I haven't lied to about at least something. Big or little.

People shouldn't trust me. Shouldn't be friends with me.

When will I ever stop running? Stop denying the reality I so desperately don't want to live in? What would my life be like if I wasn't constantly looking for an escape? What would I do?

Untitled

I'm starting to stress about school again. These past few weeks, I've been almost happy. But it isn't lasting. I can feel it slipping away despite my want to hold on to it.

I'm slipping back into denial and I don't know anymore. My anxiety has been pretty high lately, and there isn't anything I can do but grin and bear it. I haven't cut in weeks, and I'm not even proud of that. I want to cut so badly, so why haven't I? I wish I knew..

I guess this post is nothing more than a jumble of thoughts that make no sense. Just like me.

Starve The Weight Off

I don't even know what to believe of my weight. It's definitely not 160. So I'm fasting today and hopefully tomorrow and then I will weigh in. I would love to see 160 again. I kind of regret weighing that day because it feels kind of like a tease.

I went to the gym yesterday, but I didn't burn enough so it was a futile attempt. I'm going again today, an tomorrow as well. I will make this count. I won't stop.

I may eat a little bit of protien before I go to the gym so I can stand to burn more without passing out. Wouldn't want other people to get involved.

So hopefully I will see a lower number on the scale. I will NOT have another day like that 'family dinner'. Not worth it, even if I have to fight for it.

I'm back in school today, and I'm kind of tired. I'm happy that I'm able to go to the gym and that I only have 4 days this week, but I'm already looking forward to the weekend. (: Not even sure why. I don't have any plans, but I can sure as hell go to the gym. I only have the pass until Sunday. And then it's back to normal. So I'm gonna enjoy it as much as I can.

Not much else to update on. That's pretty much my life right now.

Predictable

My 'birthday dinner was terrible. Today was terrible.
Tomorrow will not be.
I'm stupid and pathetic, nothing more. I'm disgusting. I think I need to fade away from reality for a long while, and hopefully this feeling goes with it. I want to be empty. I need to be.

Fade To Nothing

I hate feeling Ike an inconvenience. But it seems that's what I'm best at. I try so hard to do things on my own, but there's always a situation when I need something and its always inconvenient. Always.

There's certain things people will do for you because they love or care about you. Then there's the things that make those you love or care about go out of their way for you. I'm always in the latter category.

Whenever I need something from someone, it's always an inconvenience, even if they don't say that. But I know they're thinking it.

They think that their life would be easier without me in it, but it's not like they can say that either. But they think it.

I'm sorry. That's all I can ever say, but they're just words. They don't change anything, don't make it better. I wish I didn't have to ask for things. I wish I could hide myself from everyone and do everything to make their life easier, not harder. But it never works that way.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean it, and I feel immense guilt when I inconvenience others. But eventually those words lose their meaning, and eventually nobody will hear me anymore.

This is why I don't stick around people long enough. I've seen how my relationships with people change from good to terrible. Seen how they hate me a little bit more when I need them, because I'm always an inconvenience. So if I leave before that happens, surely it's for the best, right?

It's written in everything that I am. I'm an inconvenience and a burden to everyone. And since I don't know how to change it, I guess I'll just have to keep moving on.. Never sticking in one place for long. The same goes for friendships and relationships. I guess I can't have lasting ones.

*sigh* I'm sorry.

Freedom and Peace

Freedom is different to everyone, and the value of freedom is different for everyone.

Freedom to me means the ability to make your own choices, without constant worry about the consequences or what others will think. Freedom to be who you are and not be told you can't do something.

I feel free here, where I'm at right now. I can do things without others forcing me to do them differently. I can relax, stop always being on edge, even I it's only for a little while. If I don't want to eat, I don't have to. If I want to, I can. I can say things that I normally wouldn't be able to without fear of judgement. I can breathe, and I don't always have to be looking over my shoulder. I can be me.

This is peace, right here. However short lived,  it's peace. I'm so grateful for that, for the chance. Thank you. (You know who you are.)

D-Day

I didn't sleep well last night.. I kept having nightmares and waking up every hour or so when I did finally manage to sleep. But at 5:30 this morning I finally gave up.

Since then, I've been trying to fight the anxiety. My lunch is supposed to be at 12:30, but I don't know if I can make it back there by then seeing as I spent the night at a friends. Which makes me feel shitty.

I weighed myself this morning, and I weighed 160.6.. Which is 4 lbs down from Friday. That's fucking amazing and I'm hesitant to believe it.. Could it really be?

If anything, that just makes me les inclined to eat. I don't want to gain all the weight back.. I need to keep losing.

The smell of food makes my stomach turn, and just gives me more anxiety. I've been pacing around in circles trying to calm down.

4 hours until I eat. I still haven't figured out how to balance it yet, but I will. Tomorrow when I weigh, I WILL NOT see that number go up. It would be really fucking sweet if it went down. I have to make it.

But that still doesn't help my anxiety.

Ugh.

Anxiety Filling Me

I just checked online the nutrition information of Village Inn. Which is supposed to be where my 'birthday dinner' is. 

First of all... They have ridiculously disgusting nutritional 'food'. So finding something that I could eat was pretty difficult. I looked through everything and my anxiety just keeps getting higher and higher.

Here's what they have that is even remotely close to something I could eat..

Fries - 280 cals, 13g of fat, and 3g of protein.

Pork green chili bowl - 135 cals, 5g of fat, 6g of protein.

Garden Veggie Omelette - 435 cals, 22g of fat, 23g of protein

Country Sausage Crepe - 540 cals, 32g of fat, 17g of protein.

Mediterranean Chicken Salad - 250 cals, 17g of fat, 17g of protein. 

The salad is the least likely of the options because my family would create a huge deal about it. So I was guessing my best bet is the Garden Veggie Omelette. It has a lot more cals than I'd like, but at least it has protein. But that's nothing against the anxiety. I can hardly sit still.

I hate family dinners. I hate that I can't order what I'd want because I have to appear normal to my family. But 435 cals is a lot. Maybe I can design an exercise plan for tomorrow before the lunch and maybe it'll help take the edge off the anxiety.

I've thought about cutting so much today, and this is no different. But I'm trying to hold back.

I wish I could back out of dinner tomorrow. I had such a good day today, and I don't want it to end. I don't want the sluggish feeling to come when I put food in my body. It isn't fair. I run best on E. empty. Why can't everyone else accept that?

I've also been ridiculously cold today, and I can't seem to get warm. I wish I had my electric blanket. Maybe I'll weigh tomorrow. Just so I know what my weight is. Hopefully I've lost, so I'll gain back less after the dinner. I just want to hide away where nobody can tell me what I should be eating and I could just eat how much or how little I wanted. I'm not like everyone else. My body doesn't require fuel. Food. Not like everyone else's. 16 hours and 34 minutes until I have to eat. In the meantime, I guess I'll starve. I need to do some damage control..

Sorry for the ranting. I just.. Where else could I put these thoughts? Nowhere.

Saturday

Tomorrow is my big 'birthday dinner'. I've been avoiding thinking about it for as long as I could, but now it's almost here. My anxiety is sky high about it and I'm essentially just bracing myself for the worst.
I've eaten nothing today, and entirely too much yesterday. I went to the gym with my friend Katie and though I didn't meet my goal of burning 600 cals while there, I managed to burn 510. I'm just hoping it's enough. It's never enough.

I need my weight to go down. It has to, I'm tired of seeing this number. But all I can do is restrict as best as I can, and eventually it has to... Right?

Not much else to say, I guess. Trying to enjoy my weekend as much as possible before school comes again. I'll probably update more later if anything changes.
Happy weekend, everyone.

This Is It

So.. I'm 18. Finally.
I'm legally an adult, now.
How does that make me feel? I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
But I also feel kind of the same.
I'm still me.
Yesterday I didn't really do much for my birthday. My dad and my roommate surprised me with strawberry cake. So I had to eat a small piece.. And tried to purge after but couldn't. Other than that, I had a ham sandwich (thanks to my family) and the rest was coffee and zero cal rockstars. So I'd guess around 600?
I didn't weigh myself this morning. But I'm fasting. Empty.
I had a good day yesterday, despite the food. And now I have a 4 day weekend, and somehow I'm going to enjoy that too.
So that's my update that was supposed to be posted yesterday, but I suck. Happy Valentines day, everyone.

Don't Listen

My best friend triggered me today. Not in an intentional way, but nonetheless.
She had no idea she triggered me. And I'm trying right now to realize it as a trigger and not a reason, but I'm failing, miserably. Most of the time, I think I don't deserve her as a friend. In fact I know I don't.
I'm just upset and stupid right now. Whatever.

Self-Inflicted

Lying comes naturally to me. It's easy.
I lie without even a second thought..
Or even guilt, these days.
And eventually,
Everything becomes a lie.
The truth becomes an abnormality,
Until eventually,
There's just nothing left.

So what am I?
Who am I?
If not nothing, anymore.

Indeed I Am

Thoughts are floating around in my head. Hatred for what I've done is filling my heart.
All directed towards myself.
I am worthless.
I am fake.
I am stupid.

I'm a master liar.. One most people regret getting to know. Doesn't surprise me.
Who would ever want to be around me?

Thinking and Update

I weighed in at 164.8 this morning, despite the excess amount of food I had yesterday. I was pretty excited to see that number, even if it don't drop that much. I was expecting to gain, and I didn't.

So far today I have only had a thermos filled with hot cocoa. It was pretty cold here (in the negatives) and though hot cocoa has more calories than I'd like, it's good to start my metabolism and to keep me warm.

However, that doesn't change anything. I'm fasting as much as possible due to the fact that I ate a shit ton of food yesterday. So hopefully my weight will go down tomorrow too.

I turn eighteen soon, and that means that I'm legally allowed to petition the court to lift a restraining order between myself and someone my dad despises. My brother did the same thing when he turned 18, an my dad pretty much disowned him. If I'm honest, I'm afraid of the fallout with my dad. I am and have always been a daddy's girl. I always will be, even if it doesn't appear as such on the surface. So, needless to say, I'm scared he will disown me too. But this is something I want to do for me, and I need to do it. I just wish I could have my cake and eat it too.

There's really not much else going on in my life at the moment. School, study, graduation focus, and losing weight are basically the only things on my mind right now. Which is quite alright with me, the less stress the better.

The less I invest myself in my personal feelings, the better. I care about others feelings, just not my own.

But overall, life is quite alright at the moment. Manageable, and right now, that's okay with me. (:

Update

I've been restricting fairly well recently. But I'm not sure how its affecting my weight.

Last night I kind of freaked out. I don't even know how to write out what made me snap, but I definitely did and I feel like shit because of it.

My birthday is in 10 days. Not even sure how to feel about that. My dad wants to take me indoor skydiving to celebrate, and my family wants to have cake and ice cream, maybe go out to dinner.

I think not.

I don't need this fat body to take in any more calories than it has to.

I had hot coco with mini marshmallows for "breakfast" and I'm not intending to eat anything for "lunch". I love feeling empty. Who and what would I be without it?

I'm impatiently counting the days until I graduate. Praying and hoping that I pass all of my classes. Struggling to understand and to keep going.

Right now it's looking like I'll have to take a semester or a year off. Nobody else is helping me pay for college, and as of right now I don't have any scholarships or money in general to pay for college.

So if I have to take a gap year, I have to take one. Right now I'm trying to not think about it so much. It makes me sad. As scared as I am to go to college, I kind of... Want to go.

So far, 3 of my 5 classes are done for the day. But I still have several more hours to go. School feels tedious now. Not exciting, I don't want to go. I don't think I want to drop out either though.

Anyways, that's just my current thoughts. I hope everyone has a good day, or at least not a totally shitty day. Xx

^^ this is so true. It's been rediculously cold here, and it's only supposed to get colder. I'm ready for Spring!!