Of school.
Yep.
The teachers of one of my classes is threatening to kick me out of class because I've missed so much school. Essentially, I have only missed 7 days of school. But she said that 1 WT day = 3 of my normal school days. So I've missed 21 school days at WT and she said that I was so close.
I have to say.... this is a new thing for me, because I've always been the perfect student, and getting kicked out of class has never been an option for me. Guess things are changing.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
WhatTheFuckEver.
I feel like there's a lot of emotion inside of me.. And I can't express any of it.
I'm reaching that point again... I just need out.
I'm reaching that point again... I just need out.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Only To Come..
I worked on school work for most of the day... But I barely managed to accomplish anything. Now I have another week's worth of work to catch up on, and I'll be even more behind.
I can't even do the reading required for AP Lit. I don't deserve to be in that class. I've got an F because of a paragraph I missed while I was gone - on a book I cannot comprehend. I've read the section we were assigned 3 or 4 times already... And I cannot for the life of me understand it. Just thinking about it is giving me a throbbing headache right above my right eye.
ReleaseReleaseRelease.
That is what I am craving.
Pain. Punishment, for the F.
Tomorrow the call will come. It always does. Excuses will be said, promises made to be more perfect.
Maybe I can etch perfection into my skin, scar it there. A permanent mark to forever remind me of what I am not.
I will not sleep tonight. Of that I am sure. I can feel the nightmares wating in the shadows, panic attacks hidden beneath the covers. Chills wait around ever dim-lit corner, and I know that only I am to blame.
Me. Mememe. Always me. What a selfish creature I am, indeed.
I can't even do the reading required for AP Lit. I don't deserve to be in that class. I've got an F because of a paragraph I missed while I was gone - on a book I cannot comprehend. I've read the section we were assigned 3 or 4 times already... And I cannot for the life of me understand it. Just thinking about it is giving me a throbbing headache right above my right eye.
ReleaseReleaseRelease.
That is what I am craving.
Pain. Punishment, for the F.
Tomorrow the call will come. It always does. Excuses will be said, promises made to be more perfect.
Maybe I can etch perfection into my skin, scar it there. A permanent mark to forever remind me of what I am not.
I will not sleep tonight. Of that I am sure. I can feel the nightmares wating in the shadows, panic attacks hidden beneath the covers. Chills wait around ever dim-lit corner, and I know that only I am to blame.
Me. Mememe. Always me. What a selfish creature I am, indeed.
I Saw It Coming
One of the only two people I trusted with everything just left.. Just left out of nowhere... And may have told my secrets.. Foolish was I to believe. To trust.
The other shall too soon leave. I know that now. Or.. I think I knew all along but paraded myself into false believing. Believing I had a chance.
This is a familiar pain. One I know how to deal with. I will simply move on, no harm done. Really, I should say Fuck You to aforementioned person. But I am stronger than that.
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
The other shall too soon leave. I know that now. Or.. I think I knew all along but paraded myself into false believing. Believing I had a chance.
This is a familiar pain. One I know how to deal with. I will simply move on, no harm done. Really, I should say Fuck You to aforementioned person. But I am stronger than that.
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
I Hate You..
Leave me the fuck alone!!
You are not in my head. You do not have to feel what I feel and you should thank god that you don't.
You do not live in the mental hell that I do, and you will NEVER understand what makes me do what I do. Stop insulting me and thinking that I do what I do for attention. Stop making everything worse, stop talking to me, stop pretending like everything is okay, and stop telling me I'm just like you.
Just leave me alone.. Please..
You are not in my head. You do not have to feel what I feel and you should thank god that you don't.
You do not live in the mental hell that I do, and you will NEVER understand what makes me do what I do. Stop insulting me and thinking that I do what I do for attention. Stop making everything worse, stop talking to me, stop pretending like everything is okay, and stop telling me I'm just like you.
Just leave me alone.. Please..
...
I feel so cold. So heartless. So uncaring. Dark. Destructive. Disasterous.
I am trying to be unfeeling, but that is a bit more difficult. I want to be numb again. I need to be numb again. I need to be skinny. Beautiful. I need to be perfect.
Too much feeling is dangerous, and too much qualifes as just about anything. Maybe I can freeze into numb from the outside in, and when it finally reaches my heart, that's when the fun begins. No more hurting. No more thinking. Just.. Empty. Empty is good. Out of focus. But I can get through anything if I'm numb. I'm invincible if I'm numb. Strong.
So let it begin.
I am trying to be unfeeling, but that is a bit more difficult. I want to be numb again. I need to be numb again. I need to be skinny. Beautiful. I need to be perfect.
Too much feeling is dangerous, and too much qualifes as just about anything. Maybe I can freeze into numb from the outside in, and when it finally reaches my heart, that's when the fun begins. No more hurting. No more thinking. Just.. Empty. Empty is good. Out of focus. But I can get through anything if I'm numb. I'm invincible if I'm numb. Strong.
So let it begin.
Trust
Is but a 5 letter word.
Something that maybe people once valued, maybe. But now, it's just letters stuck together to make a word.
Meaningless.
People can swear up and down that they hold value in such a simple word, but when it comes down to it, I've yet to see it manifest into anything.
Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I trust the wrong kind of people. So maybe I shouldn't trust at all. Because it's my fault, you see.
I tell the wrong kind of people the wrong things and then I'm fucked. But that's alright. I think I've finally understood what I refused to believe all this time.
I think I finally get it.
I think I'm finally right.
Hah. Who would've thought?
Trust is but a five letter word.
Something that maybe people once valued, maybe. But now, it's just letters stuck together to make a word.
Meaningless.
People can swear up and down that they hold value in such a simple word, but when it comes down to it, I've yet to see it manifest into anything.
Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I trust the wrong kind of people. So maybe I shouldn't trust at all. Because it's my fault, you see.
I tell the wrong kind of people the wrong things and then I'm fucked. But that's alright. I think I've finally understood what I refused to believe all this time.
I think I finally get it.
I think I'm finally right.
Hah. Who would've thought?
Trust is but a five letter word.
Falling Into The Darkness
I'm a little bit surprised at the things in my room that seem so normal to me, but to everyone else wouldn't be.
They've been there for about 2 years now, and nobody has noticed. It wouldn't surprise me if they did notice, because they don't care.
I mean, over 2 years I've had so many things that scream "Wrong!". But they go unnoticed, and for that I think I am the slightest bit grateful. I used to want people to notice, want to be saved from myself, want to heal. But now, I've more or less accepted this as my life. I'm comfortable with my internal hell. In sync with it for once. I've finally started running in the direction of hell, and I refuse to go back.
They've been there for about 2 years now, and nobody has noticed. It wouldn't surprise me if they did notice, because they don't care.
I mean, over 2 years I've had so many things that scream "Wrong!". But they go unnoticed, and for that I think I am the slightest bit grateful. I used to want people to notice, want to be saved from myself, want to heal. But now, I've more or less accepted this as my life. I'm comfortable with my internal hell. In sync with it for once. I've finally started running in the direction of hell, and I refuse to go back.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
They're Everywhere
*Warning: Rant*
I don't know what it is, but lately everything seems to be triggering to me in some way. The way my pants fit, the full feeling I have, being with my mom, being on my own, the shower, food, etc. Everything, literally is a trigger to me.
I am aware of my physical imposition on space, and my lack of trust in people. But excuse me, I think I have a right to be wary of trusting anyone. I've been burned a few too many times. With that being said, I guess I need to go through my shit again. It doesn't seem I even have safe space in my own room anymore. Well if that's how it is, then that's how it is. I come first. Space comes second. I've only got 5 more months before I don't have to hide as much anymore, and then 3 more after that before I can move out. Believe me, I will.
There is not enough time to do everything that needs to be done. I've been up since 6am this morning, but I was puking and sick. So I didn't really get going until about 10, and I spent most of the day with my mom. Sometimes it's nice being with her, but she often does/says things that put me off or make me feel like shit. Granted, she doesn't even know she is doing them, or maybe she does. I mean, most of them are kind of obvious. But still. My roommates and my dad are still acting like everything is fine and dandy and that nothing ever happened before I went to Amsterdam. That's okay, I can hate them in silence. Words are nothing, when it comes to them. No hesitation. CJ says some sharp-pointed things now and then, but I don't dare say anything. It's all in how I take them, and I just need to let them go. It's hard writing about him here, because I know that he reads this blog and I worry about what he will think/say to what I write here. But this blog is for me, and if he wants to read it, he can.
Things have been downhill lately. That's all they ever are, anymore. Blackness. Desperation. Guilt. Those three are what I feel the most. And pressure. Always pressure. Things that need to be done, time that is every racing forward. I need more time. I need a break. Going to Amsterdam was a stupid idea, and part of me wishes I hadn't gone. Yes, it was amazing and beautiful and the concert was everything I had hoped for, but I still don't think it was worth all the stress that I have from school. Assignments, all due on Monday. Tests to prepare for, projects to worry about. I cannot think about my Science Fair Project without having a panic attack and wanting to reach for a release. It's impossible, and with every day that passes by, I know I am that much farther behind.
Nightmares keep me from sleeping in peace at night, but I feel like I deserve them. Everything I feel is a result of hatred, anger, guilt, sadness, and a little bit crazy. But I'm accepting that this is going to be my life. I don't want to change, and I don't want to stop. This is my life, and this is who I am now. Mistake me not, I am not complaining or looking for attention. I am simply stating a fact. I'm stating what I believe to be true, and I am embracing it and continuing to go ever lower in weight. Continuing to stretch for that ever-elusive perfection that I know I can someday reach. I just have to be stronger, smarter, skinnier. I will do it. I know I can. I'm refusing to give up.
**Amsterdam pictures are still to come, as soon as I get a proper chance and a few minutes to sit down with my computer. Until then, most all posts will be from my mobile, so I apologize for any mistakes.**
I don't know what it is, but lately everything seems to be triggering to me in some way. The way my pants fit, the full feeling I have, being with my mom, being on my own, the shower, food, etc. Everything, literally is a trigger to me.
I am aware of my physical imposition on space, and my lack of trust in people. But excuse me, I think I have a right to be wary of trusting anyone. I've been burned a few too many times. With that being said, I guess I need to go through my shit again. It doesn't seem I even have safe space in my own room anymore. Well if that's how it is, then that's how it is. I come first. Space comes second. I've only got 5 more months before I don't have to hide as much anymore, and then 3 more after that before I can move out. Believe me, I will.
There is not enough time to do everything that needs to be done. I've been up since 6am this morning, but I was puking and sick. So I didn't really get going until about 10, and I spent most of the day with my mom. Sometimes it's nice being with her, but she often does/says things that put me off or make me feel like shit. Granted, she doesn't even know she is doing them, or maybe she does. I mean, most of them are kind of obvious. But still. My roommates and my dad are still acting like everything is fine and dandy and that nothing ever happened before I went to Amsterdam. That's okay, I can hate them in silence. Words are nothing, when it comes to them. No hesitation. CJ says some sharp-pointed things now and then, but I don't dare say anything. It's all in how I take them, and I just need to let them go. It's hard writing about him here, because I know that he reads this blog and I worry about what he will think/say to what I write here. But this blog is for me, and if he wants to read it, he can.
Things have been downhill lately. That's all they ever are, anymore. Blackness. Desperation. Guilt. Those three are what I feel the most. And pressure. Always pressure. Things that need to be done, time that is every racing forward. I need more time. I need a break. Going to Amsterdam was a stupid idea, and part of me wishes I hadn't gone. Yes, it was amazing and beautiful and the concert was everything I had hoped for, but I still don't think it was worth all the stress that I have from school. Assignments, all due on Monday. Tests to prepare for, projects to worry about. I cannot think about my Science Fair Project without having a panic attack and wanting to reach for a release. It's impossible, and with every day that passes by, I know I am that much farther behind.
Nightmares keep me from sleeping in peace at night, but I feel like I deserve them. Everything I feel is a result of hatred, anger, guilt, sadness, and a little bit crazy. But I'm accepting that this is going to be my life. I don't want to change, and I don't want to stop. This is my life, and this is who I am now. Mistake me not, I am not complaining or looking for attention. I am simply stating a fact. I'm stating what I believe to be true, and I am embracing it and continuing to go ever lower in weight. Continuing to stretch for that ever-elusive perfection that I know I can someday reach. I just have to be stronger, smarter, skinnier. I will do it. I know I can. I'm refusing to give up.
**Amsterdam pictures are still to come, as soon as I get a proper chance and a few minutes to sit down with my computer. Until then, most all posts will be from my mobile, so I apologize for any mistakes.**
Change Is A New Beginning
The other day I got a message and had to go in for a meeting at my school. The counselor (F, who I talked to last year) told me that one of my 'friends' had mentioned that I was depressed and that I was going to overdose on "Tylenol and Advil." Now, aside from the fact that you can't die from OD'ing on Tylenol, the only place I've ever mentioned that was on my blog. He also mentioned some other things that led me to believe that someone has discovered my blog.
So... I changed it. I hope it will help protect me, as I refuse to just outright take my blog down. But if any of you were wondering why it changed, there you have it! (;
In the end, I think I managed to convince him that I wasn't depressed, and that I wasn't suicidal. So hopefully that is the end of that.
So... I changed it. I hope it will help protect me, as I refuse to just outright take my blog down. But if any of you were wondering why it changed, there you have it! (;
In the end, I think I managed to convince him that I wasn't depressed, and that I wasn't suicidal. So hopefully that is the end of that.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Jump Right Back Into Stress
Today is my first day back at school since my vacation, and it's been hectic.
When I got the work for the rest of my classes (excusing Forensic Science), it wasn't a lot. I had to read a book, and write an intro for that book. I had a worksheet to do, and I had to prepare for an in-class discussion tomorrow. I had maybe 6 or 7 math assignments to complete, but those don't seem that they will be too hard. I was most worried about Forensic Science, because we do labs. She does a lab a day, basically. I missed a lot there, and unfortunately that is stuff that I have to come in to make up. The only problem with that is that she works at the North Campus (where I study) and the Central Campus so she travels a lot. She doesn't really have any free time for me to make up the labs, except for maybe a half hour before class starts. So I hope that I can start making them up.
I'm stressing because I have a Science Fair project that is a huge thing for Forensics. She said it was worth 60% of our grade, and she is expecting a college level paper, and I am freaking out. It's so bad that every time I start to think about it, all I want to do is sleep, or cut, or smoke weed so I don't have to stress, or distract myself so I don't have to think about it. But I know that I can't do that. I don't know where to go for that, because I need help and guidance but I'm freaking out too much to actually do anything. So I'm working on everything else and avoiding that. Ugh. I hate it.
I don't know if I'm just really emotionally unstable since before I left for vacation or not. But this morning I got a quiz back that I had taken before I left, and I got an 80% on it. I only missed 2 problems, which is why I got such a low grade. Yes, that is a low grade to me. I had to stop myself from freaking out, or crying. I had to remind myself that I could do it better. That it wasn't the end of the world. I need straight A's. That is my goal for this year.
But I have colleges to apply to, essays to write for college, a job to get, a future to plan. I have to keep everything hidden, and not let anyone know that my ED and self harm are consuming my life. I don't know how to stop it from consuming my life... It just is.
My depression always gets worse when school starts back up again, because I feel such a need to be perfect. Such a need to be the best. This is how it is for me.
I'm trying to cope, but only time will tell how good of a job I am really doing.
When I got the work for the rest of my classes (excusing Forensic Science), it wasn't a lot. I had to read a book, and write an intro for that book. I had a worksheet to do, and I had to prepare for an in-class discussion tomorrow. I had maybe 6 or 7 math assignments to complete, but those don't seem that they will be too hard. I was most worried about Forensic Science, because we do labs. She does a lab a day, basically. I missed a lot there, and unfortunately that is stuff that I have to come in to make up. The only problem with that is that she works at the North Campus (where I study) and the Central Campus so she travels a lot. She doesn't really have any free time for me to make up the labs, except for maybe a half hour before class starts. So I hope that I can start making them up.
I'm stressing because I have a Science Fair project that is a huge thing for Forensics. She said it was worth 60% of our grade, and she is expecting a college level paper, and I am freaking out. It's so bad that every time I start to think about it, all I want to do is sleep, or cut, or smoke weed so I don't have to stress, or distract myself so I don't have to think about it. But I know that I can't do that. I don't know where to go for that, because I need help and guidance but I'm freaking out too much to actually do anything. So I'm working on everything else and avoiding that. Ugh. I hate it.
I don't know if I'm just really emotionally unstable since before I left for vacation or not. But this morning I got a quiz back that I had taken before I left, and I got an 80% on it. I only missed 2 problems, which is why I got such a low grade. Yes, that is a low grade to me. I had to stop myself from freaking out, or crying. I had to remind myself that I could do it better. That it wasn't the end of the world. I need straight A's. That is my goal for this year.
But I have colleges to apply to, essays to write for college, a job to get, a future to plan. I have to keep everything hidden, and not let anyone know that my ED and self harm are consuming my life. I don't know how to stop it from consuming my life... It just is.
My depression always gets worse when school starts back up again, because I feel such a need to be perfect. Such a need to be the best. This is how it is for me.
I'm trying to cope, but only time will tell how good of a job I am really doing.
Misery Loves Company
Lately I've been feeling lost. Down.
Amsterdam was both good and bad. I've thought about this since I got back.. I'm not going to be posting here about the negative side of Amsterdam, but instead I will let you all see the bright side. (;
Everything in Amsterdam was built around canals. They went through alleyways, under bridges, and they were beautiful. At night they would light them up with small lights and in the sunset, it was simply breathtaking. I'm writing this when I don't exactly have access to all the pictures that I took, so I will post those in a separate post, probably explaining what everything is.
The flight from Denver to Detroit was 2 1/2 hours long, and then the flight from Detroit to Amsterdam was 6 1/2. I thought that would be the longest flight on a plane I've ever taken, but I was wrong. On the way back, we flew from Amsterdam to New York City, and then back to Denver. The flight to NYC was 8 hours, and the flight from NYC to Denver was 3 hours. I am so sick of airports, planes, and air that I just want to stay on the ground forever. Soon my wanderlust will kick back in again. (;
We got to take a ride on the canals and they basically gave us a tour of the part of the city we were staying in. They told us things like where Anne Frank memorial thing was, when things were built, things like that. I don't remember everything, though. We took the train to get into central Amsterdam, and that is the first time in my life I have ever taken a train. It was pretty neat, to have that experience. I have some weird obsession with different forms of travelling in foreign countries. To get around in the city, we also took trams. That was pretty neat too, something about it just made me happy. Haha. Strange much?
Our 6 days there were pretty chill. We didn't do a whole lot, but we did enough anyways. Everyone there is really centered around weed and porn, in my opinion. Walking down the street, you mostly saw three different types of stores. You would see a shop that sold weed, pipes, peyote, mushrooms, some type of drug or something, you would see a tourist shop, some place that sold food, or a porn shop. But that wasn't all there was, though. We didn't get a chance to go see the Anne Frank Museum, the Van Gogh Museum, or any of the other things like that. My dad isn't big on that sort of thing. We went to a flower garden and explored, and it was so peaceful there. It was very pretty. They have some wicked flowers there that grow naturally, where we don't here.
My dad was there with two of his friends, and his friends' son. They all went out drinking for my dad's birthday and he got really drunk. It was kind of funny to see that side of my dad where he let go. I mean, he wouldn't ever let go like that from what I know of him. He spent a lot of the night and most of the day sleeping, with a massive hangover. He said that he had a good time, and that was nice to see him enjoy himself. I basically slept, because it was easier than thinking and I couldn't really go anywhere.
The concert was amazing!! I was mistaken in whom it was, because I thought it was The Australian Pink Floyd, but it turned out to be Roger Waters. If any of you have ever heard of him, he is amazing. If you haven't, he covered Pink Floyd's album "The Wall". If you have never heard of Pink Floyd, then I suggest that you go look them up, right now! (:
In the beginning of the concert, they had a partial wall built out of Styrofoam bricks behind him, and throughout the concert, they built the wall higher until it was all the way across the stage. They then use the wall to project pictures, trippy graphics, cool videos, and things that made the concert awesome. At the end of the show, they knocked down n the wall in a symbolic gesture. It was amazing, and it has definitely been the best Pink Floyd concert that I've seen. :D I would definitely go again in a heartbeat.
So that is an overview of the best parts of my vacation... I'm sorry that I couldn't post more pictures. I will definitely post them in a different post, so be watching for it! (:
Amsterdam was both good and bad. I've thought about this since I got back.. I'm not going to be posting here about the negative side of Amsterdam, but instead I will let you all see the bright side. (;
Everything in Amsterdam was built around canals. They went through alleyways, under bridges, and they were beautiful. At night they would light them up with small lights and in the sunset, it was simply breathtaking. I'm writing this when I don't exactly have access to all the pictures that I took, so I will post those in a separate post, probably explaining what everything is.
The flight from Denver to Detroit was 2 1/2 hours long, and then the flight from Detroit to Amsterdam was 6 1/2. I thought that would be the longest flight on a plane I've ever taken, but I was wrong. On the way back, we flew from Amsterdam to New York City, and then back to Denver. The flight to NYC was 8 hours, and the flight from NYC to Denver was 3 hours. I am so sick of airports, planes, and air that I just want to stay on the ground forever. Soon my wanderlust will kick back in again. (;
We got to take a ride on the canals and they basically gave us a tour of the part of the city we were staying in. They told us things like where Anne Frank memorial thing was, when things were built, things like that. I don't remember everything, though. We took the train to get into central Amsterdam, and that is the first time in my life I have ever taken a train. It was pretty neat, to have that experience. I have some weird obsession with different forms of travelling in foreign countries. To get around in the city, we also took trams. That was pretty neat too, something about it just made me happy. Haha. Strange much?
Our 6 days there were pretty chill. We didn't do a whole lot, but we did enough anyways. Everyone there is really centered around weed and porn, in my opinion. Walking down the street, you mostly saw three different types of stores. You would see a shop that sold weed, pipes, peyote, mushrooms, some type of drug or something, you would see a tourist shop, some place that sold food, or a porn shop. But that wasn't all there was, though. We didn't get a chance to go see the Anne Frank Museum, the Van Gogh Museum, or any of the other things like that. My dad isn't big on that sort of thing. We went to a flower garden and explored, and it was so peaceful there. It was very pretty. They have some wicked flowers there that grow naturally, where we don't here.
My dad was there with two of his friends, and his friends' son. They all went out drinking for my dad's birthday and he got really drunk. It was kind of funny to see that side of my dad where he let go. I mean, he wouldn't ever let go like that from what I know of him. He spent a lot of the night and most of the day sleeping, with a massive hangover. He said that he had a good time, and that was nice to see him enjoy himself. I basically slept, because it was easier than thinking and I couldn't really go anywhere.
The concert was amazing!! I was mistaken in whom it was, because I thought it was The Australian Pink Floyd, but it turned out to be Roger Waters. If any of you have ever heard of him, he is amazing. If you haven't, he covered Pink Floyd's album "The Wall". If you have never heard of Pink Floyd, then I suggest that you go look them up, right now! (:
In the beginning of the concert, they had a partial wall built out of Styrofoam bricks behind him, and throughout the concert, they built the wall higher until it was all the way across the stage. They then use the wall to project pictures, trippy graphics, cool videos, and things that made the concert awesome. At the end of the show, they knocked down n the wall in a symbolic gesture. It was amazing, and it has definitely been the best Pink Floyd concert that I've seen. :D I would definitely go again in a heartbeat.
So that is an overview of the best parts of my vacation... I'm sorry that I couldn't post more pictures. I will definitely post them in a different post, so be watching for it! (:
Monday, September 9, 2013
Home Sweet Home
I have made it back from Amsterdam!
In one piece... Well, mostly anyways. (;
I'll hopefully get a chance to post about it soon, but I've got a bit of prioritizing to do first. First on the list was letting all of y'all know that I'm back.
It's about time to hit the hay, as I've spent the entire day (or 15 hours anyways) on planes and in airports. I'm a weee bit tired.
I will catch up on blogs tomorrow if I get a chance. In the meantime, g'nite! Or g'mornin' since it's past midnight here... ^-^
In one piece... Well, mostly anyways. (;
I'll hopefully get a chance to post about it soon, but I've got a bit of prioritizing to do first. First on the list was letting all of y'all know that I'm back.
It's about time to hit the hay, as I've spent the entire day (or 15 hours anyways) on planes and in airports. I'm a weee bit tired.
I will catch up on blogs tomorrow if I get a chance. In the meantime, g'nite! Or g'mornin' since it's past midnight here... ^-^
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Amsterdam Netherlands
I'm off to Amsterdam!! ^-^
I'm excited but scared at the same time. I will be sure to take lots of pictures, and post them when I get back.
I won't have phone/computer service over there, so I will see you all when I get back in 6 days!
I'm excited but scared at the same time. I will be sure to take lots of pictures, and post them when I get back.
I won't have phone/computer service over there, so I will see you all when I get back in 6 days!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
It's On.
I'm leaving for Amsterdam in 13 hours.
What I feel right now?
Anger, panic, fear, excitement, anxiety, anticipation.
No scales. No blades. No laxatives. No release. Just me and my ED.
I signed up to do a walk for the National Eating Disorder Assosiation to raise awareness for Eating Disorders, and I'm so stoked to hopefully be able to do it. I still need people to donate, though.
Right now I want to cut. I want to end everything, and I can't pinpoint why.. There isn't one exact reason. It's a lot of things. But of course when I get this way, it's just best to keep to myself.
Stupiduglyfatworthlessnothingneedydependantattentionseekingwannabebitchstupiduglyfatworthless... It goes on and on and on. Round and round in my head.
I need help. Someone to talk to. I can admit that. Just someone to talk to...
What I feel right now?
Anger, panic, fear, excitement, anxiety, anticipation.
No scales. No blades. No laxatives. No release. Just me and my ED.
I signed up to do a walk for the National Eating Disorder Assosiation to raise awareness for Eating Disorders, and I'm so stoked to hopefully be able to do it. I still need people to donate, though.
Right now I want to cut. I want to end everything, and I can't pinpoint why.. There isn't one exact reason. It's a lot of things. But of course when I get this way, it's just best to keep to myself.
Stupiduglyfatworthlessnothingneedydependantattentionseekingwannabebitchstupiduglyfatworthless... It goes on and on and on. Round and round in my head.
I need help. Someone to talk to. I can admit that. Just someone to talk to...
This is impossible... I'm tired of living.. Fuck i...
This is impossible... I'm tired of living.. Fuck it all.
Why is it that every time I am in an okay or good ...
Why is it that every time I am in an okay or good mood, I can never stay that way? I hate this bullshit.
24 Hours And Counting Down!!
Yesterday, when I got home, S and my dad said that they wanted to talk to me. I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, but it turns out I didn't do a good enough job. We talked, and S convinced me that my dad was willing to change things or at least talk to me.
Long story short, I dropped all my walls. I sat in my living room staring at my dad with tears streaming down my face, and he more or less rejected me. Again.
So I ran. I left and I ran and I sat in a park for 2 hours crying because why can't he love me?
I've tried so hard to be perfect for him, and he doesn't love me. I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. I was so foolish to drop my walls. I would have been just fine if I hadn't dropped my walls, but I did.
My dad is also playing me with the ticket to Amsterdam. 5 days ago, I wasn't going. Then he said I was, and then we fought and he said no. Then last night I mentioned to him that I was going, and he said he would think about it. So I guess I can't really be sure unless I'm on the plane to Amsterdam, but for now, I guess I'll just hope for the best and start packing.
That's the other thing. I'm sooo procrastinating. I've done my laundry, but I haven't even started packing. I took a shower, curled my hair, sang a few songs, but I haven't started packing. xD
More good news? For once.
I was down 2 lbs last night when I weighed myself, and then this morning when I weighed myself, I was down another lb. Which puts me .8 lbs away from my goal for Sep. I'm still really ashamed of my weight, which is why I'm not saying it directly. But it's always going to be too much. Once I reach a lower weight, I'll start mentioning my actual weight, maybe, Just not now.
I successfully averted myself from a binge, and I feel proud. Now to just keep it that way, and keep driving my weight lower.
I had a bit of an intense talk with CJ last night. I confided a lot of things in him which I am regretting right now. But whatever. To each their own, I guess. My fault. Always my fault. Things are a bit better today, but I'm nervous about leaving tomorrow. Because I am going out of the country, I can't take my blades. I can't take my laxatives, I cant take my scale, and I can't take any weed. So... it should be an interesting vacation. We'll see. Because it's a whole different country, that means a lot of different food.
I am going to eat as little as possible for the week or so that I'm there, and I am going to try to maintain as much as possible. I think that hoping for a loss is a bit too much, so I'll settle for maintaining my new weight. I can do this. I will not let him destroy me. He does not control me. I control me.
Long story short, I dropped all my walls. I sat in my living room staring at my dad with tears streaming down my face, and he more or less rejected me. Again.
So I ran. I left and I ran and I sat in a park for 2 hours crying because why can't he love me?
I've tried so hard to be perfect for him, and he doesn't love me. I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. I was so foolish to drop my walls. I would have been just fine if I hadn't dropped my walls, but I did.
My dad is also playing me with the ticket to Amsterdam. 5 days ago, I wasn't going. Then he said I was, and then we fought and he said no. Then last night I mentioned to him that I was going, and he said he would think about it. So I guess I can't really be sure unless I'm on the plane to Amsterdam, but for now, I guess I'll just hope for the best and start packing.
That's the other thing. I'm sooo procrastinating. I've done my laundry, but I haven't even started packing. I took a shower, curled my hair, sang a few songs, but I haven't started packing. xD
More good news? For once.
I was down 2 lbs last night when I weighed myself, and then this morning when I weighed myself, I was down another lb. Which puts me .8 lbs away from my goal for Sep. I'm still really ashamed of my weight, which is why I'm not saying it directly. But it's always going to be too much. Once I reach a lower weight, I'll start mentioning my actual weight, maybe, Just not now.
I successfully averted myself from a binge, and I feel proud. Now to just keep it that way, and keep driving my weight lower.
I had a bit of an intense talk with CJ last night. I confided a lot of things in him which I am regretting right now. But whatever. To each their own, I guess. My fault. Always my fault. Things are a bit better today, but I'm nervous about leaving tomorrow. Because I am going out of the country, I can't take my blades. I can't take my laxatives, I cant take my scale, and I can't take any weed. So... it should be an interesting vacation. We'll see. Because it's a whole different country, that means a lot of different food.
I am going to eat as little as possible for the week or so that I'm there, and I am going to try to maintain as much as possible. I think that hoping for a loss is a bit too much, so I'll settle for maintaining my new weight. I can do this. I will not let him destroy me. He does not control me. I control me.
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| This is my favorite picture... Perfect. |
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| Beautiful.. |
I can, and will, do this.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Update/More Drama
I've barely eaten in the last 2 days. Yesterday my intake was 330 (subway sandwich and half an otter pop) and I burned all of that off. Today has been better in that my intake has been 210 (xing energy tea) and like 100 for coffee this morning and like 50 (I ate 3 small french fries) But all day long I've felt shaky and light headed. But I'm not minding. I took lax too, which should help. I've been staying hydrated too, because of the lax. So I'm hoping to be down in my weight by the time I get home tomorrow.
So much shit has gone down today in terms of my life at home. My dad is reporting me as a runaway, and apparently he's still taking me to Amsterdam.. Well maybe. Depends on what happens when I get home. Maybe I'll get stuck in a psych ward. Maybe I won't. At this point, I don't really know.
So much shit has gone down today in terms of my life at home. My dad is reporting me as a runaway, and apparently he's still taking me to Amsterdam.. Well maybe. Depends on what happens when I get home. Maybe I'll get stuck in a psych ward. Maybe I won't. At this point, I don't really know.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Stop please..
I always manage to hurt or piss *someone* off. Why can't I ever just be neutral? Normal? Why can't I ever just not cause waves?
I'm sorry to those I hurt... But I can never seem to apologize. It's like it gets stuck in my throat and I can't apologize... I just want to stop.
Stop everything.
I'm sorry to those I hurt... But I can never seem to apologize. It's like it gets stuck in my throat and I can't apologize... I just want to stop.
Stop everything.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Eww
Today has been nothing but one big binge. Right now I'm at 2160 and I haven't even eaten dinner yet.
I'm so fucking disgusting.
I'm spending the day/night with my mom since I got kicked out and I had nothing to do. So far today I've eaten *nothing* nutritional. Just shit, shit, and more shit.
Right now, despite the fact that we have company, I want to cut. I want to purge. I want to get all of this out of me.
I feel so disgusting, but I know that she's going to make me eat dinner.
I don't fucking want to. I still want to jump in front of a bus. I want to be happy with myself, not miserable. ):
I'm so fucking disgusting.
I'm spending the day/night with my mom since I got kicked out and I had nothing to do. So far today I've eaten *nothing* nutritional. Just shit, shit, and more shit.
Right now, despite the fact that we have company, I want to cut. I want to purge. I want to get all of this out of me.
I feel so disgusting, but I know that she's going to make me eat dinner.
I don't fucking want to. I still want to jump in front of a bus. I want to be happy with myself, not miserable. ):
Never Again
From this point on... I am going to be on a very strict diet. I ate gross food today, and my digestive system didn't like it. Not one bit.
I felt sick, and we were supposed to have company over. I feel disgusting, I feel nautious, I feel really fat, and I'm done.
I'm not doing this to myself again.
Empty is pure. Empty is strong. Empty is perfect.
I felt sick, and we were supposed to have company over. I feel disgusting, I feel nautious, I feel really fat, and I'm done.
I'm not doing this to myself again.
Empty is pure. Empty is strong. Empty is perfect.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
My Grandparents
They have always been there for me. And I mean always. When I was younger and had all the trouble with social services and my parents, they took me in. They saved me. They've given me so much over the years, and it has meant a lot to me. They've been my parents where my dad wasn't.
But since this fight... I'm scared. My grandma knows that she broke my trust. She knows that I need some time to forgive her. My grandpa.. He's kind of gotten in the middle.
But all day today, I kept wishing for a hug. From my grandpa. He has always been the one I'm closer to, for many reasons. He's been my dad in many cases too.
I want to apologize to him for everything I've done, and I want him to love me. I want him to hug me, and I want us to be okay. But on the flipside, I can't get that without seeing my grandma. I'm angry with her, unbelievably angry. But I do still love her. I feel like it would be a really asshole-like thing to do to ask for a hug from my grandpa but not from my grandma. To want to be with him, not her. Y'know? I can't just shut her out of my life. I don't want to, I don't think. I'm just angry. I'm hurt.
But at the same time, I don't want her to hurt. Not because of me, anyways. I don't know.
I don't want to forgive her, not yet. But I want my grandpa. I want a hug. And I can't have one without the other... </3
But since this fight... I'm scared. My grandma knows that she broke my trust. She knows that I need some time to forgive her. My grandpa.. He's kind of gotten in the middle.
But all day today, I kept wishing for a hug. From my grandpa. He has always been the one I'm closer to, for many reasons. He's been my dad in many cases too.
I want to apologize to him for everything I've done, and I want him to love me. I want him to hug me, and I want us to be okay. But on the flipside, I can't get that without seeing my grandma. I'm angry with her, unbelievably angry. But I do still love her. I feel like it would be a really asshole-like thing to do to ask for a hug from my grandpa but not from my grandma. To want to be with him, not her. Y'know? I can't just shut her out of my life. I don't want to, I don't think. I'm just angry. I'm hurt.
But at the same time, I don't want her to hurt. Not because of me, anyways. I don't know.
I don't want to forgive her, not yet. But I want my grandpa. I want a hug. And I can't have one without the other... </3
Random Thought
I don't deserve food. I don't deserve life.
I've been thinking a lot (even before I got kicked out) and I'm not normal. My ED isn't 'normal'. Anorexia is about malnutrition. Well that's at least part of it.
My ED is a form of control and of self punishment. Sometimes I punish myself by starving, but I often also punish myself by eating food. I don't *want* to eat food, so therefore I punish myself by making myself eat food. Which only fuels my self hatred and my desire to die.
I'm not normal. But I don't fit into anything (good *or* bad) either. I'm not Anorexic, because I'm too fat. I'm not a good student, because I fail classes.
It feels to me like I have no identity. Which is almost worse for me. I feel outside of everything but nowhere all at once.
Just a random thought I had.
I've been thinking a lot (even before I got kicked out) and I'm not normal. My ED isn't 'normal'. Anorexia is about malnutrition. Well that's at least part of it.
My ED is a form of control and of self punishment. Sometimes I punish myself by starving, but I often also punish myself by eating food. I don't *want* to eat food, so therefore I punish myself by making myself eat food. Which only fuels my self hatred and my desire to die.
I'm not normal. But I don't fit into anything (good *or* bad) either. I'm not Anorexic, because I'm too fat. I'm not a good student, because I fail classes.
It feels to me like I have no identity. Which is almost worse for me. I feel outside of everything but nowhere all at once.
Just a random thought I had.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
What?
I don't want to be at home. At my house. My dad kicked me out - and out is where I shall be.
But at the same time, when I leave I get a panic-y feeling in my stomach and I start getting anxiety attacks to the point where I'll come back.
I can't leave my stuff here. I have too much too hide. But I can't take it either.
But at the same time, when I leave I get a panic-y feeling in my stomach and I start getting anxiety attacks to the point where I'll come back.
I can't leave my stuff here. I have too much too hide. But I can't take it either.
I Got Kicked Out of My House...
Again. /:
Yesterday morning my alarm clock didn't go off because it reset itself. I was supposed to get up at 5:30am but instead woke up at 6:45. I knew I was going to miss my first class, but oh well. I thought about waking S up, and asking for a ride to the next bus stop, but instead it turned out that she was going to drop me off at school. S was already pissed off at M, and vice versa. I was just frustrated in general. Between going from my house and my school, I got more and more frustrated. Mostly because I left my binders at home, or did something wrong, or forgot something. I was still in a bad mood when I went to my grandparents house like 3 hours later.
I was trying to not talk to them because I was pissed an I didn't want to take it out on them. But my grandma wouldn't leave me alone. I tried walking away, and ignoring her. I tried telling her it was nothing. But she wouldn't leave me alone and finally I just exploded. I told my grandma that I hated my roommates, I told her how I hated that S was dating my dad. I hold her how I hated M because she was so manipulative and that S just let her. I told her everything, which was a mistake. My grandma told me that I should talk to my dad and tell him how I felt about all of this. I told her that I didn't want to tell him anything and that when I was ready, I would.
Right after I left her house to go to WarrenTech, she called my dad and told him everything that I told her. My dad then called S, and S called me. I tried to talk to S over the phone but she wasn't having it, so when I got home, our argument started. I told S that my dad never asked my opinion on her moving in, that I didn't want her in my house, that I didn't like M, so many other things. By the time I was finished I had tears running down my face and I wanted to punch her. S told me that I was placing conditions on my relationship with my dad when I told her that I would only consent to fixing things or talking to him if he apologized for what he said to me when he found out about my cutting. That he wouldn't care if I was dead. The was probably the lowest blow that he could have ever delivered. That was 3 months ago. He still hasn't said one word to me about it and therefore I am unwilling to forgive him for that. S always tells me that my dad says all of these wonderful things about me to her, and he tells her that he loves me. But I never hear any of that. All I get is silence. Coldness. Hate.
I told S that too, and she told me that I needed to tell him that I loved him and that I needed to be the bigger person and the adult one. Fuck that. When S kept trying to hug me, I backed away. I left. And she called my dad. She told him everything that I told her. What the fuck is it with tattling like we're 4 year olds?
My dad called me and started yelling at me. He said that I was only looking for a pity party when I told my grandma why I was upset. He told me that I had no right to tell him how to live his life and that if I didn't like S, then I needed to suck it up. He said that if I had a problem with him, then I needed to tell it to him directly. I told him that it wouldn't do any good. He started going off, and the only thing I said after that was something I can't say I regret saying. I told him that I hated him. He was all like "Fuck you. Get the fuck out of my house." and I ended up telling him that I would do just that. Then S came into my room and I told her that I got kicked out and she told me that I was choosing to leave. My grandma was calling me by then and when I didn't answer her phone calls, she texted me and told me that if I didn't answer her phone calls she was going to call the police. When I called her back, she had already drove to my house. I confronted her saying that I just needed to be left alone for a while. She said no, that she was going to make me talk to her. My grandpa then pulled me aside and said that if I did anything to hurt myself, that he would have me committed.
I told S that I needed space and that I needed to leave. I seriously want to throw myself in front of a train. I just hate this. 5 months. I turn 18 in 5 months. I just need to make it till then. I convinced my grandmother that I just needed to be left alone, and she finally left. I told S that I was leaving and that I needed space. So I left.
I was fully intent on not coming back.. I don't even know..
Yesterday morning my alarm clock didn't go off because it reset itself. I was supposed to get up at 5:30am but instead woke up at 6:45. I knew I was going to miss my first class, but oh well. I thought about waking S up, and asking for a ride to the next bus stop, but instead it turned out that she was going to drop me off at school. S was already pissed off at M, and vice versa. I was just frustrated in general. Between going from my house and my school, I got more and more frustrated. Mostly because I left my binders at home, or did something wrong, or forgot something. I was still in a bad mood when I went to my grandparents house like 3 hours later.
I was trying to not talk to them because I was pissed an I didn't want to take it out on them. But my grandma wouldn't leave me alone. I tried walking away, and ignoring her. I tried telling her it was nothing. But she wouldn't leave me alone and finally I just exploded. I told my grandma that I hated my roommates, I told her how I hated that S was dating my dad. I hold her how I hated M because she was so manipulative and that S just let her. I told her everything, which was a mistake. My grandma told me that I should talk to my dad and tell him how I felt about all of this. I told her that I didn't want to tell him anything and that when I was ready, I would.
Right after I left her house to go to WarrenTech, she called my dad and told him everything that I told her. My dad then called S, and S called me. I tried to talk to S over the phone but she wasn't having it, so when I got home, our argument started. I told S that my dad never asked my opinion on her moving in, that I didn't want her in my house, that I didn't like M, so many other things. By the time I was finished I had tears running down my face and I wanted to punch her. S told me that I was placing conditions on my relationship with my dad when I told her that I would only consent to fixing things or talking to him if he apologized for what he said to me when he found out about my cutting. That he wouldn't care if I was dead. The was probably the lowest blow that he could have ever delivered. That was 3 months ago. He still hasn't said one word to me about it and therefore I am unwilling to forgive him for that. S always tells me that my dad says all of these wonderful things about me to her, and he tells her that he loves me. But I never hear any of that. All I get is silence. Coldness. Hate.
I told S that too, and she told me that I needed to tell him that I loved him and that I needed to be the bigger person and the adult one. Fuck that. When S kept trying to hug me, I backed away. I left. And she called my dad. She told him everything that I told her. What the fuck is it with tattling like we're 4 year olds?
My dad called me and started yelling at me. He said that I was only looking for a pity party when I told my grandma why I was upset. He told me that I had no right to tell him how to live his life and that if I didn't like S, then I needed to suck it up. He said that if I had a problem with him, then I needed to tell it to him directly. I told him that it wouldn't do any good. He started going off, and the only thing I said after that was something I can't say I regret saying. I told him that I hated him. He was all like "Fuck you. Get the fuck out of my house." and I ended up telling him that I would do just that. Then S came into my room and I told her that I got kicked out and she told me that I was choosing to leave. My grandma was calling me by then and when I didn't answer her phone calls, she texted me and told me that if I didn't answer her phone calls she was going to call the police. When I called her back, she had already drove to my house. I confronted her saying that I just needed to be left alone for a while. She said no, that she was going to make me talk to her. My grandpa then pulled me aside and said that if I did anything to hurt myself, that he would have me committed.
I told S that I needed space and that I needed to leave. I seriously want to throw myself in front of a train. I just hate this. 5 months. I turn 18 in 5 months. I just need to make it till then. I convinced my grandmother that I just needed to be left alone, and she finally left. I told S that I was leaving and that I needed space. So I left.
I was fully intent on not coming back.. I don't even know..
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
You're Not My Mother
Call me stupid, call me crazy, call me what you will. I know I am all of those things, at least once in my life. But I only have myself to blame.
I was dying my hair earlier, and I was doing it by myself. So because nobody was around, I took off my bracelets that were hiding my wrists and such. S walked in and was helping me with my hair. I was trying to hide my wrist from her, so she wouldn't notice the cuts. But when I was washing the dye off of my hands like an hour later, she saw my cuts and was all like "Camille, why are you upset?" in a way that sounded like she was making fun of me.
So I just looked at her, said it was nothing and left. I know she is going to tell my dad. Fucking roommate.
First of all, who said it was her business? She obviously doesn't understand what I am going through. She sees a small part of the picture, not the whole thing. Secondly, do we all remember what my dad said when he found out the last time? When the school called him? I don't want that to happen again. But I know it will. My dad would never understand what I have to deal with, or the shit I go through. S doesn't either. I don't trust her. I don't have any reason to trust her.
When she asked me about the cuts, I got a bit angry. Why can't people just leave me alone? Why is it so bad? Everyone sees the side of it where cutting is bad. Nobody sees the side of it where cutting has kept me alive all this time. Nobody sees that, because they don't want to. I don't think I need to stop. I'm not trying to do it for attention, or to die. I am not cutting too deep, and I know my limits. So why can't everyone just leave me alone?
I am supposed to go to Amsterdam on the 4th. I'm not sure if I will still be going after my dad finds out or not. I want to just hide it and act like it never happened. I am doing well right now. These past few days haven't been as bad as they could be... but if I have a fight with my dad, then shit is going to go down. I am in a somewhat fragile state at the moment.
I don't know. This whole thing seems a bit stupid to me and I swear to god if my dad flips shit and doesn't even listen, I am moving out. I have places I can go, and if I can't go there, well I'll find a way. I have 5 months until he can no longer tell me what to do. I guess there isn't really much he can take away from me. My phone? Sure. My iPod? Sure. But not really much else. Whatever he takes away, I can deal with or 5 months. I'm not really afraid of anything, I guess. Not with him. I should be, but I just don't care. He has pushed me too far, and then some.
I just wish people would leave me alone..
I was dying my hair earlier, and I was doing it by myself. So because nobody was around, I took off my bracelets that were hiding my wrists and such. S walked in and was helping me with my hair. I was trying to hide my wrist from her, so she wouldn't notice the cuts. But when I was washing the dye off of my hands like an hour later, she saw my cuts and was all like "Camille, why are you upset?" in a way that sounded like she was making fun of me.
So I just looked at her, said it was nothing and left. I know she is going to tell my dad. Fucking roommate.
First of all, who said it was her business? She obviously doesn't understand what I am going through. She sees a small part of the picture, not the whole thing. Secondly, do we all remember what my dad said when he found out the last time? When the school called him? I don't want that to happen again. But I know it will. My dad would never understand what I have to deal with, or the shit I go through. S doesn't either. I don't trust her. I don't have any reason to trust her.
When she asked me about the cuts, I got a bit angry. Why can't people just leave me alone? Why is it so bad? Everyone sees the side of it where cutting is bad. Nobody sees the side of it where cutting has kept me alive all this time. Nobody sees that, because they don't want to. I don't think I need to stop. I'm not trying to do it for attention, or to die. I am not cutting too deep, and I know my limits. So why can't everyone just leave me alone?
I am supposed to go to Amsterdam on the 4th. I'm not sure if I will still be going after my dad finds out or not. I want to just hide it and act like it never happened. I am doing well right now. These past few days haven't been as bad as they could be... but if I have a fight with my dad, then shit is going to go down. I am in a somewhat fragile state at the moment.
I don't know. This whole thing seems a bit stupid to me and I swear to god if my dad flips shit and doesn't even listen, I am moving out. I have places I can go, and if I can't go there, well I'll find a way. I have 5 months until he can no longer tell me what to do. I guess there isn't really much he can take away from me. My phone? Sure. My iPod? Sure. But not really much else. Whatever he takes away, I can deal with or 5 months. I'm not really afraid of anything, I guess. Not with him. I should be, but I just don't care. He has pushed me too far, and then some.
I just wish people would leave me alone..
Monday, August 26, 2013
The Hair Dying Adventures of A Teenage Girl
This is my newly blonde hair. It's harder to see the rainbow of colors in it, but you can see the purple and the blue. I'm letting it recover a bit before I go and dye it purple, but it will be done before the end of the week. (:
This is the very first time I every dyed my hair. I put blonde streaks in it and nobody ever knew I was dying it. (:
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Then I dyed it back to my natural color, which is dark brown, and I cut it short, I kept it that way for a while, but the sun turned my brown to like reddish, and it lightened parts of my brown, so I had like 3 different colors in my hair. xD
And because the blue faded, and I was tired of it, I decided to bleach it. Which in turn let all the funky colors come out, which you can see below. xD But hey! I like it.
It's ligtened into the blonde it is now, but I kind of liked it when it looked like a rainbow.. xD Nobody likes me as a blonde either, and even I don't know if I like it enough to want to keep it forever. But I have to heal my hair a bit (if that makes any sense??) before I can dye it purple. Man, it's a lot of work!! But they all turn out well, don't you think?
Umm.. No.
My mom thinks that I cut because of a genetic trait. She thinks that if she stayed in my life then I would be different. I'd be a better person.
She went through some of the same things (like cutting) and she thinks she could have stopped me.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but if I'm honest, I find it a little bit offensive when someone tells me that they think they can stop me or that it's a genetic trait, or that they don't like it.
I'm not... proud of my self harm, but it's a very close part of me and I couldn't ever just let it go. It's the only thing that has helped me survive so long, in a way. Without it, I don't know what I'd be like. Maybe I wouldn't be a cutter, or whatever it is that I am. But I just refuse to think that she could change it. I refuse to think that I need to stop.
I don't really see a problem with my self harm, as long as I don't get caught. If I were to get caught, I know what would happen. But it's the only constant in my life... and I am not in a place to want to stop..
What's wrong with me?
Or not even me, exactly. But my mom, Cimiron, my dad, my family, my (nonexistent) friends, everyone. Nobody can stop me. The only one who'd have the best chance of stopping me is Cimiron, and I don't want to stop.
Does anyone else find it offensive when people remark on your self harm or anything? Or is it just me?
She went through some of the same things (like cutting) and she thinks she could have stopped me.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but if I'm honest, I find it a little bit offensive when someone tells me that they think they can stop me or that it's a genetic trait, or that they don't like it.
I'm not... proud of my self harm, but it's a very close part of me and I couldn't ever just let it go. It's the only thing that has helped me survive so long, in a way. Without it, I don't know what I'd be like. Maybe I wouldn't be a cutter, or whatever it is that I am. But I just refuse to think that she could change it. I refuse to think that I need to stop.
I don't really see a problem with my self harm, as long as I don't get caught. If I were to get caught, I know what would happen. But it's the only constant in my life... and I am not in a place to want to stop..
What's wrong with me?
Or not even me, exactly. But my mom, Cimiron, my dad, my family, my (nonexistent) friends, everyone. Nobody can stop me. The only one who'd have the best chance of stopping me is Cimiron, and I don't want to stop.
Does anyone else find it offensive when people remark on your self harm or anything? Or is it just me?
Random Nonsense
I like these breaks from school that I have. I have class from 7:15 am to 9am and then a break from 9am to 11:45 am, when I start my next class. Then I have to go until 3:30 pm, except on Fridays, where I only have my morning class.
I never really know what to do with myself on these breaks. I feel like I have so many things I should be doing, but I just can't bring myself to do any of them.
I leave for Amsterdam on the 4th of September. I am nervous about going on vacation, and I am starting to feel as if I don't want to go. But I mean, of course I do. Why wouldn't I? Not many people get to go there, unless you live there, so this is like a huge exciting thing for me.
I dyed my hair blonde last night, and it turned out... interesting. I had purple, red, green, blue, orange, pink, and brown in it for a while. It looked pretty cool, if I do say so myself. My ultimate goal was to make my hair purple, but I think I need to let my hair recuperate from the massive bleaching before I color it. I will have it done before I leave, though.
I had massive anxiety while sitting in AP Lit. He was mentioning the AP test, and how you had to write 3 essays in 2 hours, so roughly 40 minutes per essay. You would have two texts that are given to you that you have to write about, and then a free text. He mentioned the name of a somewhat famous girl at our school. Or she used to be, as she graduated. I try to be the best at everything I do, as anything less than ultimate perfection is just not good enough. But there is no way I could measure up to this girl. So I got massive anxiety and I didn't want to be in the class. [Enter bad habits]..
I'm nervous about going on vacation, because for one I won't have control over food or my scale, and therefore I'm scared to gain a lot of weight. Also, if my dad decides to go somewhere and I can't wear pants... well I'm fucked. My legs are not a pretty sight, by far. I guess I'll just have to see what I can do, but it's giving me massive anxiety and I don't like it.
I hung out with a girl I met on a Pro-Ana website. I don't really go there often, but I guess I was looking for someone I could relate to, someone who lived near me. I found this girl, who I won't mention by name. We've been talking for about a year or so now, and we finally decided to meet yesterday. Well... That went good and bad. It was nice talking to her, and I definitely want to hang out again, but she was triggering too. She's thin, and perfect, and beautiful. I was pale in comparison. I felt like I was awkward, fat, too tall, too much me. Too much space. It was really triggering, but at the same time, I don't think it was bad. I'm not complaining, exactly.
I'm not exactly excited about going to Forensics class. We do a lot of work in pairs, and I don't really do the social thing. It gives me lots of anxiety. Everyone is always eating in that class too. I hate sitting there being the only one not eating, and having to hold myself back from all the things I could be eating. But outside of that itself, I think I will like the class. We were working no facial reconstruction on Thursday, and I didn't get to finish. I don't think anyone did, really. So we're doing that today, but it's just... I don't know. I just don't feel like going.
I am back up in my weight. It's truly unacceptable. I had a goal to meet by Sep first, and I horribly failed that. So I guess it's double for next month, including vacation. 12lbs in a month? Probably not really doable, but I have to try. I have to do something or I won't make it another year. Anyone have any tips for dealing with triggering food? The only food my roommates buy is triggering food, and food that I am not allowed to have. But then I don't have any of my safe foods, so I end up eating the shitty food and it never ends well. I have a year, and I'm wasting it. I am wasting my life away, doing absolutely nothing but failing myself again and again. I have to do this. I have a buddy in this, but it's so hard to reach out. It's even harder to be alone. But maybe that's best. Anyways, somehow, I will accomplish my goal and get back on track. I can do it.
I never really know what to do with myself on these breaks. I feel like I have so many things I should be doing, but I just can't bring myself to do any of them.
I leave for Amsterdam on the 4th of September. I am nervous about going on vacation, and I am starting to feel as if I don't want to go. But I mean, of course I do. Why wouldn't I? Not many people get to go there, unless you live there, so this is like a huge exciting thing for me.
I dyed my hair blonde last night, and it turned out... interesting. I had purple, red, green, blue, orange, pink, and brown in it for a while. It looked pretty cool, if I do say so myself. My ultimate goal was to make my hair purple, but I think I need to let my hair recuperate from the massive bleaching before I color it. I will have it done before I leave, though.
I had massive anxiety while sitting in AP Lit. He was mentioning the AP test, and how you had to write 3 essays in 2 hours, so roughly 40 minutes per essay. You would have two texts that are given to you that you have to write about, and then a free text. He mentioned the name of a somewhat famous girl at our school. Or she used to be, as she graduated. I try to be the best at everything I do, as anything less than ultimate perfection is just not good enough. But there is no way I could measure up to this girl. So I got massive anxiety and I didn't want to be in the class. [Enter bad habits]..
I'm nervous about going on vacation, because for one I won't have control over food or my scale, and therefore I'm scared to gain a lot of weight. Also, if my dad decides to go somewhere and I can't wear pants... well I'm fucked. My legs are not a pretty sight, by far. I guess I'll just have to see what I can do, but it's giving me massive anxiety and I don't like it.
I hung out with a girl I met on a Pro-Ana website. I don't really go there often, but I guess I was looking for someone I could relate to, someone who lived near me. I found this girl, who I won't mention by name. We've been talking for about a year or so now, and we finally decided to meet yesterday. Well... That went good and bad. It was nice talking to her, and I definitely want to hang out again, but she was triggering too. She's thin, and perfect, and beautiful. I was pale in comparison. I felt like I was awkward, fat, too tall, too much me. Too much space. It was really triggering, but at the same time, I don't think it was bad. I'm not complaining, exactly.
I'm not exactly excited about going to Forensics class. We do a lot of work in pairs, and I don't really do the social thing. It gives me lots of anxiety. Everyone is always eating in that class too. I hate sitting there being the only one not eating, and having to hold myself back from all the things I could be eating. But outside of that itself, I think I will like the class. We were working no facial reconstruction on Thursday, and I didn't get to finish. I don't think anyone did, really. So we're doing that today, but it's just... I don't know. I just don't feel like going.
I am back up in my weight. It's truly unacceptable. I had a goal to meet by Sep first, and I horribly failed that. So I guess it's double for next month, including vacation. 12lbs in a month? Probably not really doable, but I have to try. I have to do something or I won't make it another year. Anyone have any tips for dealing with triggering food? The only food my roommates buy is triggering food, and food that I am not allowed to have. But then I don't have any of my safe foods, so I end up eating the shitty food and it never ends well. I have a year, and I'm wasting it. I am wasting my life away, doing absolutely nothing but failing myself again and again. I have to do this. I have a buddy in this, but it's so hard to reach out. It's even harder to be alone. But maybe that's best. Anyways, somehow, I will accomplish my goal and get back on track. I can do it.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Woah!
I actually felt happy today. Or.. Not happy, but not totally shitty.
I haven't cut, I haven't hated, though I briefly wanted to. It's just been... Alright. Which is a strange feeling for me, but not totally bad. (:
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Do you ever just want to scream? Just scream and scream and let it all out? Scream until there is no voice left, and then scream some more?
Do you ever want to just cut? Just cut because it is better than the pain inside? I don't really have any more places to cut. I need to slow down, and stop cutting so much, but I can't. I feel like I'm drowning in... Whatever. I'm drowning and I just can't get out. This feeling never goes away. That's what people don't understand. They think that it can just go away. But it doesn't. It's not just a state of mind that I get into. It's like a permanent state of being. But it's killing me. I can't do this anymore. No matter WHAT I do, I can't ever fucking do enough.
Do you ever want to just cut? Just cut because it is better than the pain inside? I don't really have any more places to cut. I need to slow down, and stop cutting so much, but I can't. I feel like I'm drowning in... Whatever. I'm drowning and I just can't get out. This feeling never goes away. That's what people don't understand. They think that it can just go away. But it doesn't. It's not just a state of mind that I get into. It's like a permanent state of being. But it's killing me. I can't do this anymore. No matter WHAT I do, I can't ever fucking do enough.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Warning: Rant!
My fucking roommates, man. I spent a week at my grandpa's as I had no way to get to school. My first day back, actually 2 hours back, and I already want to punch them.
M - S's daughter. Let's just start there. Her and her friend were at my grandparen't house. S went there to see if she could get her window fixed and she needed her son's help. She made me go on a walk with M and her friend. Against my will. Then I got dragged into grocery shopping, and her and her friend were riding the power-carts everywhere and running into me. M is 15, and her friend is like 14. But they're so immature. I found out that M has two phones. Why the fuck do you need two phones? Turns out, she needs one to call her dad and the other her dad doesn't know about. But seriously. M and her friend were both stoned, too. But neither smoke much, so they were both being obnoxious and loud, and it just irritated me.
S - Holy shit. She *was* dating my dad, which is bad enough. My roommate dating my dad? Yeah. But then she made a date with M's friend's dad, and on the way home, she was talking about her son's teacher (whom she had a fling with) and yet another guy she wanted to date. I don't even think my dad knows that she's doing this, as he's out of town. 4 guys. 4 fucking guys. All I can think is BITCH. She's a fucking slut. Honestly. Like get your shit straight, woman! On top of that, she lets her daughter smoke, but she won't let me. What the fuck? She's not even my mother!! Fuck her. My dad is already feeling shitty because we probably aren't going to Amsterdam, since my dad doesn't have the money. Which is due to the dog fight that fucking M let them get in!!!! I swear to god.
I swear to god, I hate her. Then she missed an appointment for M, and lied about it. I stood right there while she lied about it. I literally had to hold myself back from punching her. This woman is such a good manipulator. But she fucking needs to get the fuck out of my house!!!
M - S's daughter. Let's just start there. Her and her friend were at my grandparen't house. S went there to see if she could get her window fixed and she needed her son's help. She made me go on a walk with M and her friend. Against my will. Then I got dragged into grocery shopping, and her and her friend were riding the power-carts everywhere and running into me. M is 15, and her friend is like 14. But they're so immature. I found out that M has two phones. Why the fuck do you need two phones? Turns out, she needs one to call her dad and the other her dad doesn't know about. But seriously. M and her friend were both stoned, too. But neither smoke much, so they were both being obnoxious and loud, and it just irritated me.
S - Holy shit. She *was* dating my dad, which is bad enough. My roommate dating my dad? Yeah. But then she made a date with M's friend's dad, and on the way home, she was talking about her son's teacher (whom she had a fling with) and yet another guy she wanted to date. I don't even think my dad knows that she's doing this, as he's out of town. 4 guys. 4 fucking guys. All I can think is BITCH. She's a fucking slut. Honestly. Like get your shit straight, woman! On top of that, she lets her daughter smoke, but she won't let me. What the fuck? She's not even my mother!! Fuck her. My dad is already feeling shitty because we probably aren't going to Amsterdam, since my dad doesn't have the money. Which is due to the dog fight that fucking M let them get in!!!! I swear to god.
I swear to god, I hate her. Then she missed an appointment for M, and lied about it. I stood right there while she lied about it. I literally had to hold myself back from punching her. This woman is such a good manipulator. But she fucking needs to get the fuck out of my house!!!
Rant! (Part 2)
On top of that bullshit, S and M keep letting my dogs get in the trash. They only do it if people aren't here, and both M and S know how to block them off from the trash can. They also know not to leave food downstairs, or on the counters. But this is like the fucking fifth time they've done it. To MY fucking dogs!!!
I've been at my gpa's for the entire week because I have no way to get to school at the moment, and in that entire week... Fuck. There are dishes left in the sink that still have food in them, coffee cups everywhere, gross food everywhere!! S also likes to soak all the dishes (that she refuses to wash off after using or throw the food out) in one side of the sink. So there's always food and shit in the water. Most. Disgusting. Thing. Ever. I absolutly CANNOT stand that!! I've told her, too.
She also promised to help pick up dog shit, staying on it instead of letting it sit. She's also refused to do that.
Do I even get started on food?
Okay, so we went to the store, and I bought some food. One of the things that *I* bought was Chicken Noodle Soup. I have a thing with hiding food away... But still. The only kind of soup or really any food I eat is Chicken Noodle Soup. It's my "safe" food. But S continually eats that, and buys a lot of shit food. Chips, Hot Pockets, Ramen, etc. Unhealthy, trigger foods. But she doesn't understand the concept of *my* food. So she eats the Chicken Noodle Soup, and then I don't have any food to eat. So I end up binging on all this unhealthy shit food because it's so triggering. I swear to god. I may hate my dad, but I'd much rather have him back than have my fucking roommates. I hate them. Everything about them! I hate them in my house. Maybe I'm being rediculous, but fucking A. Even I have my breaking point, and I swear to god I just reached it. Or I'm close, very fucking close. I swear
to god, I need to get out of my house. I cannot spend an entire weekend with these people. They piss me off SO FUCKING MUCH. >:l
I've been at my gpa's for the entire week because I have no way to get to school at the moment, and in that entire week... Fuck. There are dishes left in the sink that still have food in them, coffee cups everywhere, gross food everywhere!! S also likes to soak all the dishes (that she refuses to wash off after using or throw the food out) in one side of the sink. So there's always food and shit in the water. Most. Disgusting. Thing. Ever. I absolutly CANNOT stand that!! I've told her, too.
She also promised to help pick up dog shit, staying on it instead of letting it sit. She's also refused to do that.
Do I even get started on food?
Okay, so we went to the store, and I bought some food. One of the things that *I* bought was Chicken Noodle Soup. I have a thing with hiding food away... But still. The only kind of soup or really any food I eat is Chicken Noodle Soup. It's my "safe" food. But S continually eats that, and buys a lot of shit food. Chips, Hot Pockets, Ramen, etc. Unhealthy, trigger foods. But she doesn't understand the concept of *my* food. So she eats the Chicken Noodle Soup, and then I don't have any food to eat. So I end up binging on all this unhealthy shit food because it's so triggering. I swear to god. I may hate my dad, but I'd much rather have him back than have my fucking roommates. I hate them. Everything about them! I hate them in my house. Maybe I'm being rediculous, but fucking A. Even I have my breaking point, and I swear to god I just reached it. Or I'm close, very fucking close. I swear
to god, I need to get out of my house. I cannot spend an entire weekend with these people. They piss me off SO FUCKING MUCH. >:l
Warning: Rant!
My fucking roommates, man. I spent a week at my grandpa's as I had no way to get to school. My first day back, actually 2 hours back, and I already want to punch them.
M - S's daughter. Let's just start there. Her and her friend were at my grandparen't house. S went there to see if she could get her window fixed and she needed her son's help. She made me go on a walk with M and her friend. Against my will. Then I got dragged into grocery shopping, and her and her friend were riding the power-carts everywhere and running into me. M is 15, and her friend is like 14. But they're so immature. I found out that M has two phones. Why the fuck do you need two phones? Turns out, she needs one to call her dad and the other her dad doesn't know about. But seriously. M and her friend were both stoned, too. But neither smoke much, so they were both being obnoxious and loud, and it just irritated me.
S - Holy shit. She *was* dating my dad, which is bad enough. My roommate dating my dad? Yeah. But then she made a date with M's friend's dad, and on the way home, she was talking about her son's teacher (whom she had a fling with) and yet another guy she wanted to date. I don't even think my dad knows that she's doing this, as he's out of town. 4 guys. 4 fucking guys. All I can think is BITCH. She's a fucking slut. Honestly. Like get your shit straight, woman! On top of that, she lets her daughter smoke, but she won't let me. What the fuck? She's not even my mother!! Fuck her. My dad is already feeling shitty because we probably aren't going to Amsterdam, since my dad doesn't have the money. Which is due to the dog fight that fucking M let them get in!!!! I swear to god.
I swear to god, I hate her. Then she missed an appointment for M, and lied about it. I stood right there while she lied about it. I literally had to hold myself back from punching her. This woman is such a good manipulator. But she fucking needs to get the fuck out of my house!!!
M - S's daughter. Let's just start there. Her and her friend were at my grandparen't house. S went there to see if she could get her window fixed and she needed her son's help. She made me go on a walk with M and her friend. Against my will. Then I got dragged into grocery shopping, and her and her friend were riding the power-carts everywhere and running into me. M is 15, and her friend is like 14. But they're so immature. I found out that M has two phones. Why the fuck do you need two phones? Turns out, she needs one to call her dad and the other her dad doesn't know about. But seriously. M and her friend were both stoned, too. But neither smoke much, so they were both being obnoxious and loud, and it just irritated me.
S - Holy shit. She *was* dating my dad, which is bad enough. My roommate dating my dad? Yeah. But then she made a date with M's friend's dad, and on the way home, she was talking about her son's teacher (whom she had a fling with) and yet another guy she wanted to date. I don't even think my dad knows that she's doing this, as he's out of town. 4 guys. 4 fucking guys. All I can think is BITCH. She's a fucking slut. Honestly. Like get your shit straight, woman! On top of that, she lets her daughter smoke, but she won't let me. What the fuck? She's not even my mother!! Fuck her. My dad is already feeling shitty because we probably aren't going to Amsterdam, since my dad doesn't have the money. Which is due to the dog fight that fucking M let them get in!!!! I swear to god.
I swear to god, I hate her. Then she missed an appointment for M, and lied about it. I stood right there while she lied about it. I literally had to hold myself back from punching her. This woman is such a good manipulator. But she fucking needs to get the fuck out of my house!!!
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Uncovered Secret
Standing near the door waiting for the bell to ring, I unconsciously pulled up my hoodie sleeves. Maybe 10 seconds or so later, I pull them back down and walk away embarassed.
I walk to the instructor, Yashka. I ask her a question, trying not to fidget. Right as I walk out of the room, I turn to the sound of my name.
"Camille?"
"Yes? Hey."
"Are those what I think they are?" *Points at my arms*
"Depends on what you think they are." I nervously pulled my sleeves down.
"I just wanted to warn you to keep your sleeves down. I got caught like that last year, and I wanted to warn you."
Looking at her suspiciously, I quietly say "I know. I got caught last year and nobody said anything.. But thanks."
"I just wanted to say that. Have a nice day!"
My heart is *still* pounding, 20 minutes later. Hope races through me, but so does fear and distrust. Now that this girl knows my secret, one at least, I don't know if I can trust her. I want to. I want to so badly. I want someone here that can understand, someone like me. Fear makes my stomach drop just thinking about it. Did others see? Will she tell?
I don't want anyone seeing my arms. I never cut there. Ever, except for now. Why now, I don't know. But I only know that it feels good. Really good. I don't want to stop, and I know that if anyone finds out, I'm fucked. Hiding the scars will be a challenge, too. But I can do it.
I walk to the instructor, Yashka. I ask her a question, trying not to fidget. Right as I walk out of the room, I turn to the sound of my name.
"Camille?"
"Yes? Hey."
"Are those what I think they are?" *Points at my arms*
"Depends on what you think they are." I nervously pulled my sleeves down.
"I just wanted to warn you to keep your sleeves down. I got caught like that last year, and I wanted to warn you."
Looking at her suspiciously, I quietly say "I know. I got caught last year and nobody said anything.. But thanks."
"I just wanted to say that. Have a nice day!"
My heart is *still* pounding, 20 minutes later. Hope races through me, but so does fear and distrust. Now that this girl knows my secret, one at least, I don't know if I can trust her. I want to. I want to so badly. I want someone here that can understand, someone like me. Fear makes my stomach drop just thinking about it. Did others see? Will she tell?
I don't want anyone seeing my arms. I never cut there. Ever, except for now. Why now, I don't know. But I only know that it feels good. Really good. I don't want to stop, and I know that if anyone finds out, I'm fucked. Hiding the scars will be a challenge, too. But I can do it.
No!
I don't want to go to WarrenTech. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to be at my grandparents. I don't want to go outside. I just want to sit in my room at my dad's house, and be left alone. I want to hide.
Nobody Sticks Around..
I know it's rediculous. But it isn't.
Everyone is leaving. Everyone I had to talk to before is either gone somewhere, isn't speaking to me, or they're on the road to recovery/recovered. I'm alone.
I can't talk to anyone, not that I deserve that right, and I'm alone.
It always happens. I always think I'll be okay when everyone leaves, but right now I feel lost. I feel betrayed, and I hate it. Fuck talking to people. I don't want to do that again. All I have is my blade, my eating disorder, and myself.
I'll do my best to make it through...
Everyone is leaving. Everyone I had to talk to before is either gone somewhere, isn't speaking to me, or they're on the road to recovery/recovered. I'm alone.
I can't talk to anyone, not that I deserve that right, and I'm alone.
It always happens. I always think I'll be okay when everyone leaves, but right now I feel lost. I feel betrayed, and I hate it. Fuck talking to people. I don't want to do that again. All I have is my blade, my eating disorder, and myself.
I'll do my best to make it through...
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
FUCK ME
There's going to be a bit of a rant in this... Sorry for all the posting today. That's actually what this is about. Kinda.
Writing here is the only thing that helped me get through today. It's the only thing that let me breathe, and out my thoughts when I had nowhere else to go. But i'm thinking of taking this down, just because I have nothing worth while to say. I have nothing worth while for anyone to read. Cimiron has a purpose in reading this blog, but I don't see the point in writing anymore. All I ever do here is complain. All I ever do is complain. I don't feel like I have anything positive to say, as much as I might try. I just think that i'm a waste of everyone's time.
The guilt that is always around me, it's here now, too. Why should anyone read my blog? What do I have to say that is worth reading? What is the purpose of me writing? What have I done to deserve that? It's all just so stupid...
I don't know. I want to die. I want to run and hide and cut and die and scream. I want to scream. I want to punch and kick and starve and purge and destroy myself in every way I can. I want to let go of everything inside. I want to get rid of it all. I need it gone. It's killing me.
But I don't want it gone. I want to keep it all inside, and save everyone from this darkness. I want to bottle it up until it destroys me that way too. That sounds perfect. But I don't know.
I'm at my grandparents, and my grandma is making food. There's food on the counter, I know where all the food is.... She has my binge food. I haven't eaten in so long and I swear to god I can feel the food soaking into my skin and it's like i'm eating it, without actually eating it. It's fucking with my brain. I feel the calories burying beneath my skin, and it's gross. The smell is making me so hungry, and I know I will cave if I stay here. I have to get out the house. Who knows. Maybe I won't come the fuck back.
Writing here is the only thing that helped me get through today. It's the only thing that let me breathe, and out my thoughts when I had nowhere else to go. But i'm thinking of taking this down, just because I have nothing worth while to say. I have nothing worth while for anyone to read. Cimiron has a purpose in reading this blog, but I don't see the point in writing anymore. All I ever do here is complain. All I ever do is complain. I don't feel like I have anything positive to say, as much as I might try. I just think that i'm a waste of everyone's time.
The guilt that is always around me, it's here now, too. Why should anyone read my blog? What do I have to say that is worth reading? What is the purpose of me writing? What have I done to deserve that? It's all just so stupid...
I don't know. I want to die. I want to run and hide and cut and die and scream. I want to scream. I want to punch and kick and starve and purge and destroy myself in every way I can. I want to let go of everything inside. I want to get rid of it all. I need it gone. It's killing me.
But I don't want it gone. I want to keep it all inside, and save everyone from this darkness. I want to bottle it up until it destroys me that way too. That sounds perfect. But I don't know.
I'm at my grandparents, and my grandma is making food. There's food on the counter, I know where all the food is.... She has my binge food. I haven't eaten in so long and I swear to god I can feel the food soaking into my skin and it's like i'm eating it, without actually eating it. It's fucking with my brain. I feel the calories burying beneath my skin, and it's gross. The smell is making me so hungry, and I know I will cave if I stay here. I have to get out the house. Who knows. Maybe I won't come the fuck back.
So Many Triggers
My instructor at WarrenTech just hit home..
She was talking about cases that don't get solved and crime scenes, and such like that. Somewhow she got to talking about the Jessica Ridgeway case. Jessica Ridgeway is/was my aunts granddaughter. I didn't know her, but I was close to that side of my family.
I'm hoping to go to the trial on September 20th, but fuck. She said Austin Sigg, and my breath stopped. My heart started pounding and I couldn't take my eyes off of her.
She apparently taught Austin Sigg, in the very classroom I'm currently sitting in. She knew him, she taught him, and she knew a lot about him. But... Wow.
That hit close to home.
She was talking about cases that don't get solved and crime scenes, and such like that. Somewhow she got to talking about the Jessica Ridgeway case. Jessica Ridgeway is/was my aunts granddaughter. I didn't know her, but I was close to that side of my family.
I'm hoping to go to the trial on September 20th, but fuck. She said Austin Sigg, and my breath stopped. My heart started pounding and I couldn't take my eyes off of her.
She apparently taught Austin Sigg, in the very classroom I'm currently sitting in. She knew him, she taught him, and she knew a lot about him. But... Wow.
That hit close to home.
I've done nothing at WarrenTech, other than help Yashka (my boss pretty much) move rooms. And help set up her lab.
But in the 17 kids that are in ss, two of them are guys. 15 are girls. Skinny girls. Very thin, very beautiful.
One girl's hipbones poke through her skin gently. It's beautiful. She's stick thin, and I'm so jealous. I can't help wondering if she has an eating disorder too, but I'm just jealous.
It's so triggering being here, but I can't say I 100% mind. As it is, I really want to cut. I know I will, because my state of mind is so negative at this point. I guess I just have to ride it out.
It's our break now, and everyone's eating food. I'm so hungry, and I think the smells of their chips and pringles and stuff is fucking with my brain. I wish I could let myself.. But empty is strong. Empty is pure. Everything is finally out of my system, and I refuse to pollute my insides with that garbage.
It's cold here, but I'm always cold. I think people have seen my scars and my recent cuts and are judging me. Who am I kidding. Of course they're judging me. Why would they judge me? I'm disgusting. I'm the only fat one in this entire class and I'm disgusted with myself. I just want out of here.
I just want to get away. I want to disappear.
But in the 17 kids that are in ss, two of them are guys. 15 are girls. Skinny girls. Very thin, very beautiful.
One girl's hipbones poke through her skin gently. It's beautiful. She's stick thin, and I'm so jealous. I can't help wondering if she has an eating disorder too, but I'm just jealous.
It's so triggering being here, but I can't say I 100% mind. As it is, I really want to cut. I know I will, because my state of mind is so negative at this point. I guess I just have to ride it out.
It's our break now, and everyone's eating food. I'm so hungry, and I think the smells of their chips and pringles and stuff is fucking with my brain. I wish I could let myself.. But empty is strong. Empty is pure. Everything is finally out of my system, and I refuse to pollute my insides with that garbage.
It's cold here, but I'm always cold. I think people have seen my scars and my recent cuts and are judging me. Who am I kidding. Of course they're judging me. Why would they judge me? I'm disgusting. I'm the only fat one in this entire class and I'm disgusted with myself. I just want out of here.
I just want to get away. I want to disappear.
I Wanna Back Out
I just got to WarrenTech and I'm already dreading it. I'm feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of being here for an entire year and I have so much anxiety.
I wish I could back out and not go here and just go to my normal school. But I want this. I want to be here, but I'm so scared. I'm filled with so much anxiety and fear right now. Thinking about all the things we have to do (science fair thing, dissecting a cat, dissecting a human, etc.) I don't know if I can do it. I want to leave.... I don't want to be here. I can't do this.
I wish I could back out and not go here and just go to my normal school. But I want this. I want to be here, but I'm so scared. I'm filled with so much anxiety and fear right now. Thinking about all the things we have to do (science fair thing, dissecting a cat, dissecting a human, etc.) I don't know if I can do it. I want to leave.... I don't want to be here. I can't do this.
....
Today was my first actual day of school. I had both of my classes, but I haven't been to WarrenTech yet. The classes were alright. I like Pre-Calc/Trig but I'm not too sure about AP Lit. He started us off by making us get into groups, and he said that groups were going to be a central part to the class. I have social anxiety and I got a panic attack while in that class, so I'm still really nervous about it.
I'm nervous about WarrenTech too, but I won't know until later.
Guilt. That's all I feel. Guilt that my grandpa has to drive me to school, then pick me up, then drive me to WarrenTech, then pick me up from there, and possibly take me home. If I go home, then S is going to have to take me to school. Everyone is sacrificing their time for me and I feel so guilty.
I want to cut. I want to not need them. I want to stop owing them. I want to stop needing. I *will* stop needing. I just hate this..
I'm nervous about WarrenTech too, but I won't know until later.
Guilt. That's all I feel. Guilt that my grandpa has to drive me to school, then pick me up, then drive me to WarrenTech, then pick me up from there, and possibly take me home. If I go home, then S is going to have to take me to school. Everyone is sacrificing their time for me and I feel so guilty.
I want to cut. I want to not need them. I want to stop owing them. I want to stop needing. I *will* stop needing. I just hate this..
Insomnia?
What is it with me and not being able to sleep? I honestly tried. But it's now 2am and I have to get up at 6:30 to take a shower and get ready for school.
I'm really hungry, right now. I love this feeling. I feel light as a feather, like I could float away. I'm fasting today too, I hope. More of my day should be spent at school (7am to 3:30pm) so that's less time to eat.
When I lay on my side, I can feel my hipbones and my ribs. I realized that I have a wide ribcage, ugh. I wish it was little. I wish I was little.
I don't know what my weight is right now, and it's killing me. I want to know so badly. But no. I'm still so bloated, and if I weigh myself now, then I will just get pissed. You know when you get the feeling that you can actually feel yourself getting thinner, through starving? Yeah, I have that. But I'm so scared that starving isn't enough. Guess I'll find out in a few days.
I talked to Cimiron last night and he basically made me promise to tell him when I engaged in my "behaviors". Y'know, cutting, laxatives, caffeine pills, my ED habits, suicidal tendencies, etc. So I promised that I would at least try. But I don't know how well that is going to work. He says he wants to help, and that he wants to at least know what's going on, even if he can't stop me. But I feel so much guilt and selfishness over it that I don't know how it will go. I just feel so bad. So guilty. But I guess I'll see.
School in 4 hours... My first day of WarrenTech... Wish me luck!! Maybe I can sleep a little before I have to get up.. But insomnia sucks ass. -_- Happy Tuesday!
I'm really hungry, right now. I love this feeling. I feel light as a feather, like I could float away. I'm fasting today too, I hope. More of my day should be spent at school (7am to 3:30pm) so that's less time to eat.
When I lay on my side, I can feel my hipbones and my ribs. I realized that I have a wide ribcage, ugh. I wish it was little. I wish I was little.
I don't know what my weight is right now, and it's killing me. I want to know so badly. But no. I'm still so bloated, and if I weigh myself now, then I will just get pissed. You know when you get the feeling that you can actually feel yourself getting thinner, through starving? Yeah, I have that. But I'm so scared that starving isn't enough. Guess I'll find out in a few days.
I talked to Cimiron last night and he basically made me promise to tell him when I engaged in my "behaviors". Y'know, cutting, laxatives, caffeine pills, my ED habits, suicidal tendencies, etc. So I promised that I would at least try. But I don't know how well that is going to work. He says he wants to help, and that he wants to at least know what's going on, even if he can't stop me. But I feel so much guilt and selfishness over it that I don't know how it will go. I just feel so bad. So guilty. But I guess I'll see.
School in 4 hours... My first day of WarrenTech... Wish me luck!! Maybe I can sleep a little before I have to get up.. But insomnia sucks ass. -_- Happy Tuesday!
Monday, August 19, 2013
Liquid Fast Not Entirely Ruined
Today was supposed to be a liquid fast, and then I got forced into food. Luckily, my intake has only been 425. I walked 1.2 miles, and burned 96 cals. So my net is currently 329 cals. I'm going to go for another walk when it cools down, and maybe a run. I'll burn off all of these calories, and more!
I am not weighing myself because I'm currently on my period, bloated as fuck, and I feel disgusting. But soon I will weigh myself, once I'm not bloated and off my period. My weight *has got* to down. At least 3 more days to go.
I'll post an update later.
I am not weighing myself because I'm currently on my period, bloated as fuck, and I feel disgusting. But soon I will weigh myself, once I'm not bloated and off my period. My weight *has got* to down. At least 3 more days to go.
I'll post an update later.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Not Making Sense...
But it's a bittersweet happiness. If you can call it that.
There's a difference between who I was 2 weeks ago and who I am now.
Talking to people, I found out that most people would gladly out my secrets, with no second thoughts.
Let me tell you, it's a crazy feeling when you realize who you can trust. So far, that's only one person, really. I'm sure there are more, but do I need them? I have myself, and that should be enough.
Two weeks ago, I was on the verge of ending everything. I've been in that state of mind for a few months now, or really about a year. I've been so close to making that choice, but something has always pulled me back. Even if I don't want that choice, and I don't want the second chance, I am given it. Which I am thankful for. In my own twisted way.
I'm learning to not be so open as a person, and I'm learning that more people prefer me if I am happy. Even if I'm faking it. Going back to school, I know that I am going to push myself, and I know that I am going to meet every goal I set for myself. No failures.
The things I have learned are crazy, but I can truly appreciate how I have learned them. Fuck everyone else, I only need to be happy with myself. (:
There's a difference between who I was 2 weeks ago and who I am now.
Talking to people, I found out that most people would gladly out my secrets, with no second thoughts.
Let me tell you, it's a crazy feeling when you realize who you can trust. So far, that's only one person, really. I'm sure there are more, but do I need them? I have myself, and that should be enough.
Two weeks ago, I was on the verge of ending everything. I've been in that state of mind for a few months now, or really about a year. I've been so close to making that choice, but something has always pulled me back. Even if I don't want that choice, and I don't want the second chance, I am given it. Which I am thankful for. In my own twisted way.
I'm learning to not be so open as a person, and I'm learning that more people prefer me if I am happy. Even if I'm faking it. Going back to school, I know that I am going to push myself, and I know that I am going to meet every goal I set for myself. No failures.
The things I have learned are crazy, but I can truly appreciate how I have learned them. Fuck everyone else, I only need to be happy with myself. (:
Need To Hide
I'm freaking out because I just followed a blog, and it showed up with my first and last name. I don't want anyone to be able to link me like that, because then they will discover this blog. I don't know how I can make it so that nobody can connect this blog to me.
Maybe it's just me being paranoid, because it's not like I really care about anyone finding this blog, but I guess I just fear my family finding out. I don't want them to find out about my self harm, my eating disorder, or anything else.
What can I do? I don't want to delete my blog, I just want to hide for 6 more months until I can turn 18. Then nobody can do anything to me and I'll be safe... Anyone know anything to help?
Maybe it's just me being paranoid, because it's not like I really care about anyone finding this blog, but I guess I just fear my family finding out. I don't want them to find out about my self harm, my eating disorder, or anything else.
What can I do? I don't want to delete my blog, I just want to hide for 6 more months until I can turn 18. Then nobody can do anything to me and I'll be safe... Anyone know anything to help?
A Glimpse
At 12:25 this morning, vegetables (180) and some bread (?) snuck their way into my mouth before I could stitch my lips shut.
24 hour fast completed, just in time for my monthly visitor and bloating from hell.
At 12:25 this morning, a sliver of cookie-dough slithered into my mouth and between all the words of protest yet to be spoken.
At 12:26 this morning, the blade etched fourteen perfect little lines of strength into my skin. "Not enough" the voice whispered in my head. "More..." said the demons in the kitchen. "Deeper, deeper, deeper" chanted Ana. Punishment for not staying strong. But only a glimpse of the self destruction yet to come.
With blood running down my thigh, I can't help but to feel a tiny twinge of satisfaction as the pain erases everything. Only momentarily, though. The proof is written all over my body. "More" says the voice. "Not good enough." "Worthless." "Failure."
Shivers race down my spine, and I know I am alone in this perfect moment. Pain humming through my body, nerves standing on end, mind finally quiet. The only moments of peace I have, anymore.
I put the blade away, promising to limit myself. But as I slide into bed and lay my head on the pillow, a small smile crosses my lips. I know my friend and I have time yet to come, with no limits to be had.
24 hour fast completed, just in time for my monthly visitor and bloating from hell.
At 12:25 this morning, a sliver of cookie-dough slithered into my mouth and between all the words of protest yet to be spoken.
At 12:26 this morning, the blade etched fourteen perfect little lines of strength into my skin. "Not enough" the voice whispered in my head. "More..." said the demons in the kitchen. "Deeper, deeper, deeper" chanted Ana. Punishment for not staying strong. But only a glimpse of the self destruction yet to come.
With blood running down my thigh, I can't help but to feel a tiny twinge of satisfaction as the pain erases everything. Only momentarily, though. The proof is written all over my body. "More" says the voice. "Not good enough." "Worthless." "Failure."
Shivers race down my spine, and I know I am alone in this perfect moment. Pain humming through my body, nerves standing on end, mind finally quiet. The only moments of peace I have, anymore.
I put the blade away, promising to limit myself. But as I slide into bed and lay my head on the pillow, a small smile crosses my lips. I know my friend and I have time yet to come, with no limits to be had.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Just Another Saturday
I'm fasting today.
I binged *all day* yesterday, and it was horrid. I'm not even getting into the end caloric result. But I'm hoping that after fasting today, I can lose some weight. So far today I've had a cup of coffee, and now I'm drinking diet Dr. Pepper. Then the rest of the day is water. I'll see results tomorrow morning.
I don't really have any plans for today. School starts on Monday, but I only have 30 minutes of classes that day. Tuesday is when WarrenTech starts.
This morning I picked up dog shit, to pay for my bus pass. They're kind of expensive ($39.50/month) but I need one for school. Otherwise, I'm just going to take it easy and clean my room. Listen to music, enjoy the sunshine. Relax, or at least try to. My summer has been pretty satisfying in terms of enjoying myself. Weight-wise, it failed horribly. But now that winter is coming, I can lose more weight. I am determined to reach 115 by next August. 1 year. I can do it!
I binged *all day* yesterday, and it was horrid. I'm not even getting into the end caloric result. But I'm hoping that after fasting today, I can lose some weight. So far today I've had a cup of coffee, and now I'm drinking diet Dr. Pepper. Then the rest of the day is water. I'll see results tomorrow morning.
I don't really have any plans for today. School starts on Monday, but I only have 30 minutes of classes that day. Tuesday is when WarrenTech starts.
This morning I picked up dog shit, to pay for my bus pass. They're kind of expensive ($39.50/month) but I need one for school. Otherwise, I'm just going to take it easy and clean my room. Listen to music, enjoy the sunshine. Relax, or at least try to. My summer has been pretty satisfying in terms of enjoying myself. Weight-wise, it failed horribly. But now that winter is coming, I can lose more weight. I am determined to reach 115 by next August. 1 year. I can do it!
Friday, August 16, 2013
Binge control?!
I swear to god I need to stop binging. I keep trying to stop it, get out of the house, stay busy. But it's not working. It works as long as I'm away, but once I'm home, it's almost inevitable. I'm gaining so much weight.
I need to stop. Someone help me!
I need to stop. Someone help me!
Just Another Day
I had plans to go hang out with my mom today, but those plans failed. I ended up getting an AP Lit and Comp prep book, so that should help me study. But it feels like I don't have time.
I'm frustrated because a friend has my flash drive, and I can't get it from him until 5:30. So basically, not at all. I have no way of getting down there and I'm enough of a burden as it is.
I hate myself. I hate the way I talk. The way I think. I hate the way my legs touch. I hate my body. I hate being a failure. I hate being fat. I hate being stressed, and living in this house, and I hate my roommates dog. I hate how nothing is good enough. I hate that I'm so negative. I hate that I hurt so much.
I hate everything.
I just want to make it all go away.
I'm frustrated because a friend has my flash drive, and I can't get it from him until 5:30. So basically, not at all. I have no way of getting down there and I'm enough of a burden as it is.
I hate myself. I hate the way I talk. The way I think. I hate the way my legs touch. I hate my body. I hate being a failure. I hate being fat. I hate being stressed, and living in this house, and I hate my roommates dog. I hate how nothing is good enough. I hate that I'm so negative. I hate that I hurt so much.
I hate everything.
I just want to make it all go away.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Rant and What Else?
I feel like everyone is always getting on me about either
1. Getting a job.
2. Getting into college
3. Going to Amsterdam and managing school
4. Chores that I need to do.
No matter what, I always hear all 4 of those things at least twice a day. But not even just as reminders anymore. My dad talks to me like I can't possibly be smart enough to remember any of that for more than a day. Like I can't possible be smart enough to do it on my own. He talks to me like I have no potential to do anything in life, like I'm worthless. My grandparents constantly remind me like I can't remember that I need to do those things. Like they're expecting me to fail.
I spent the day at a friends' and his mom dropped me off at my grandparent's because she didn't feel like driving all the way over to my dad's. Well my grandparents weren't home and they didn't get home until like 9:45pm. Which is too late for them to drive me over to my dad's. I was in the kitchen, and my grandpa asked me if I had done my chores at home. But he said it in a condescending way. So I freaked out. I started getting upset, and yelling, and trying to get away from him. Then my grandma started in.
I feel like when it comes to my grandparents, or my dad, or my roommates, I have such a hatred for the way they treat me deep inside. I am always angry, and I can never just talk to them. It always turns into arguments, or someone getting angry. Don't get me wrong, I love them. I love my grandpa the most, I think. I don't know why. Whenever I think about how old he is and the fact that he won't always be around, and that some day I will lose him, I start crying uncontrollably. I cannot imagine my life without him. He's the closest person to me, in my family. He is more of a father to me than my dad. I feel so bad when I yell at him or get angry. When I start arguments. Afterwards, I can never say sorry, even if I am sorry for starting the argument. I don't know why, but I can't say sorry.
Whenever I tell him that I love him, he always tells me that I only love him because he drives me everywhere and because he does things for me. Normally I would think he's joking... But a lot of the time I wonder if he's serious. If he really thinks that... I couldn't live with myself if he thought that. He means so much more to me than that. I just don't know how to show it. Even now, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I don't know how I can show him that I really do love him. I don't know how to show him what he means to me. I realize that I could very well lose him tomorrow, and that if he doesn't know how much he means to me, he never will. But I just don't know how to show him.
There is so much pain inside me. Times like these, I remember why I turn to Anorexia and to cutting. To drugs. Because this pain is too hard to feel. It's too much to feel, and it's pulling me down. I feel pain for the pain I cause other people, for the burden that I am to everyone. For being needy. For being angry. For not being perfect. I have a fear that I could lose them tomorrow and that they would never truly know what they mean to me. I want to explain what he means to me... but I just don't know how. I feel like I can't just go up to him and give him a hug. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being really over emotional..
1. Getting a job.
2. Getting into college
3. Going to Amsterdam and managing school
4. Chores that I need to do.
No matter what, I always hear all 4 of those things at least twice a day. But not even just as reminders anymore. My dad talks to me like I can't possibly be smart enough to remember any of that for more than a day. Like I can't possible be smart enough to do it on my own. He talks to me like I have no potential to do anything in life, like I'm worthless. My grandparents constantly remind me like I can't remember that I need to do those things. Like they're expecting me to fail.
I spent the day at a friends' and his mom dropped me off at my grandparent's because she didn't feel like driving all the way over to my dad's. Well my grandparents weren't home and they didn't get home until like 9:45pm. Which is too late for them to drive me over to my dad's. I was in the kitchen, and my grandpa asked me if I had done my chores at home. But he said it in a condescending way. So I freaked out. I started getting upset, and yelling, and trying to get away from him. Then my grandma started in.
I feel like when it comes to my grandparents, or my dad, or my roommates, I have such a hatred for the way they treat me deep inside. I am always angry, and I can never just talk to them. It always turns into arguments, or someone getting angry. Don't get me wrong, I love them. I love my grandpa the most, I think. I don't know why. Whenever I think about how old he is and the fact that he won't always be around, and that some day I will lose him, I start crying uncontrollably. I cannot imagine my life without him. He's the closest person to me, in my family. He is more of a father to me than my dad. I feel so bad when I yell at him or get angry. When I start arguments. Afterwards, I can never say sorry, even if I am sorry for starting the argument. I don't know why, but I can't say sorry.
Whenever I tell him that I love him, he always tells me that I only love him because he drives me everywhere and because he does things for me. Normally I would think he's joking... But a lot of the time I wonder if he's serious. If he really thinks that... I couldn't live with myself if he thought that. He means so much more to me than that. I just don't know how to show it. Even now, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face.
I don't know how I can show him that I really do love him. I don't know how to show him what he means to me. I realize that I could very well lose him tomorrow, and that if he doesn't know how much he means to me, he never will. But I just don't know how to show him.
There is so much pain inside me. Times like these, I remember why I turn to Anorexia and to cutting. To drugs. Because this pain is too hard to feel. It's too much to feel, and it's pulling me down. I feel pain for the pain I cause other people, for the burden that I am to everyone. For being needy. For being angry. For not being perfect. I have a fear that I could lose them tomorrow and that they would never truly know what they mean to me. I want to explain what he means to me... but I just don't know how. I feel like I can't just go up to him and give him a hug. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being really over emotional..
I'm fucked.
They're putting me in an AP class. Oh my god. I'm having a panic attack. I'm gonna fail and not get into college and never move or do anything with my life and I'm freaking out and oh my god. Fuckfuckfuck....
I didn't request the course. I didn't. They don't let people change courses either, because they build base the number of class periods that they offer a certain class on the number of students that want to take it. So they don't let people drop. But I know the grades that people get in that class. I know how even kids that are smarter than me barely get B's in that class. I barely have a 3.0 GPA now. Last year I had a 4.0.... It went down all because I failed Chemistry. My Freshman Year, I almost failed Algebra I. My Sophomore year I failed Geometry. My Junior year, I failed Chemistry. My Senior year... I'm gonna fail AP English.
If I fail it... I don't even want to go there.
You may say that it isn't the end of the world, but to me it is. I need to get this class, and I need to get into one of the colleges I want to go to in NY. If I don't... I don't know what I will do. Failing yet again is just not an option for me...
I didn't request the course. I didn't. They don't let people change courses either, because they build base the number of class periods that they offer a certain class on the number of students that want to take it. So they don't let people drop. But I know the grades that people get in that class. I know how even kids that are smarter than me barely get B's in that class. I barely have a 3.0 GPA now. Last year I had a 4.0.... It went down all because I failed Chemistry. My Freshman Year, I almost failed Algebra I. My Sophomore year I failed Geometry. My Junior year, I failed Chemistry. My Senior year... I'm gonna fail AP English.
If I fail it... I don't even want to go there.
You may say that it isn't the end of the world, but to me it is. I need to get this class, and I need to get into one of the colleges I want to go to in NY. If I don't... I don't know what I will do. Failing yet again is just not an option for me...
My To-Do..
I've got a lot of errands to run today, just randim things. But I'm busybusybusy. I can't really say I'm complaining that I'm busy. That will help me skip eating.
Since fasting doesn't seem to be working for me right now, I'm gonna restrict. Which means 200 or less. I'm thinking of doing a 5 day thing where I start at 500 calories and work my way back into fasting by cutting 100 calories a day. What do you think?
I'll post my weight in a few hours once I get all the liquids out of me. I'm honesly expecting a 5 or 6 lb gain, if not more. I know I'm gonna hate the number the scale says, but I deserve only that. I've binged for like a week now. I don't know why. Maybe it's hormones. But it has to stop.
So that's my exciting day... I start school in 4 days. I really don't want to go back.. But I guess I will. xD I'm really hoping they let me change my schedule. I have to be at school at 7, but I get to leave at 9. Just for that first day. I still don't know how I'm getting from school to WarrenTech or from WarrenTech to my house. I get out of WarrenTech at 3:30, and can't catch a bus till 4. I would not be getting home every night until like 6:30 or so. No way. Not doing it. That's bullshit. Sorry for the little rant...
Weight update to come. (:
Since fasting doesn't seem to be working for me right now, I'm gonna restrict. Which means 200 or less. I'm thinking of doing a 5 day thing where I start at 500 calories and work my way back into fasting by cutting 100 calories a day. What do you think?
I'll post my weight in a few hours once I get all the liquids out of me. I'm honesly expecting a 5 or 6 lb gain, if not more. I know I'm gonna hate the number the scale says, but I deserve only that. I've binged for like a week now. I don't know why. Maybe it's hormones. But it has to stop.
So that's my exciting day... I start school in 4 days. I really don't want to go back.. But I guess I will. xD I'm really hoping they let me change my schedule. I have to be at school at 7, but I get to leave at 9. Just for that first day. I still don't know how I'm getting from school to WarrenTech or from WarrenTech to my house. I get out of WarrenTech at 3:30, and can't catch a bus till 4. I would not be getting home every night until like 6:30 or so. No way. Not doing it. That's bullshit. Sorry for the little rant...
Weight update to come. (:
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
No Pressure Eh?
I'm still working on getting a job. I'm applying to places and trying to get a job, but that's hard. I don't have much job experience, only volunteer work. I need to make a resume if I am to get a job, but I have nothing to put on it.
Everyone is like "you need to pay for this" and "getajobgetajobgetajob" and "planthis" and "studyforschool" and "applytocollege" and perfect, perfect, perfect. Everything has to be perfect. Everything less than that is not good enough, and not acceptable.
Whatever. You put me under pressure, I put myself under pressure, school is my pressure, and I am fucking cracking. Ugh.
Everyone is like "you need to pay for this" and "getajobgetajobgetajob" and "planthis" and "studyforschool" and "applytocollege" and perfect, perfect, perfect. Everything has to be perfect. Everything less than that is not good enough, and not acceptable.
Whatever. You put me under pressure, I put myself under pressure, school is my pressure, and I am fucking cracking. Ugh.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Dreamer... I am.
Gazing through the window at the world outside,
Wondering will mother earth survive,
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her,
Sometime.
After all there's only just the two of us,
And here we are still fighting for our lives,
Watching all of history repeat itself, time after time.
I'm just a dreamer,
I dream my life away...
I'm just a dreamer,
Who dreams of better days...
I watch the sun go down like every one of us,
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign,
A better place for those who will come after us, this time.
Your higher power may be god or jesus christ,
It doesn't really matter much to me.
Without each other's help,
There ain't no hope for us.
I'm living in a dream of fantasy.
If only we could find serenity,
It would be nice if we could all live as one.
When will all this anger, hate, and bigger dreams be gone?
It's crazy to see how the world is changing so quickly, when I'm stuck in the same place. Here, there, everywhere.
But ultimately nowhere.
Wondering will mother earth survive,
Hoping that mankind will stop abusing her,
Sometime.
After all there's only just the two of us,
And here we are still fighting for our lives,
Watching all of history repeat itself, time after time.
I'm just a dreamer,
I dream my life away...
I'm just a dreamer,
Who dreams of better days...
I watch the sun go down like every one of us,
I'm hoping that the dawn will bring a sign,
A better place for those who will come after us, this time.
Your higher power may be god or jesus christ,
It doesn't really matter much to me.
Without each other's help,
There ain't no hope for us.
I'm living in a dream of fantasy.
If only we could find serenity,
It would be nice if we could all live as one.
When will all this anger, hate, and bigger dreams be gone?
It's crazy to see how the world is changing so quickly, when I'm stuck in the same place. Here, there, everywhere.
But ultimately nowhere.
Weigh-In Tomorrow
I haven't been home at all today. So no weighing myself. I'm not sure whether I am happy or stressed about that.
It's probably good that I haven'td myself today. But fuuck. I hate this not knowing. I hate this over-thinking. I hate this anticipation. At this rate, I won't even be home tomorrow to weigh myself. Ugh. I have to eat dinner too... Fuck.
I'm gonna exercise it all off tonight, and I'm restricting tomorrow. Less than 200, excluding liquids. The only liquids I'm allowing myself tomorrow are maybe an otter pop (60) or water. No exceptions.
I know that I need to limit my self harm... I promised Cimiron. So far that isn't really going well. I *almost* can't wait for winter to be here because then I can wear hoodies and long sleeved shirts and it will all be easier to hide. Stupid, I know. But that's the life of a cutter, I guess. For once, I'm actually not repulsed that that is my identity. I'm a cutter, that's all I am. Or one of the very few things, anyways. But I'm not ashamed of that. For once. I hope it lasts..
It's probably good that I haven'td myself today. But fuuck. I hate this not knowing. I hate this over-thinking. I hate this anticipation. At this rate, I won't even be home tomorrow to weigh myself. Ugh. I have to eat dinner too... Fuck.
I'm gonna exercise it all off tonight, and I'm restricting tomorrow. Less than 200, excluding liquids. The only liquids I'm allowing myself tomorrow are maybe an otter pop (60) or water. No exceptions.
I know that I need to limit my self harm... I promised Cimiron. So far that isn't really going well. I *almost* can't wait for winter to be here because then I can wear hoodies and long sleeved shirts and it will all be easier to hide. Stupid, I know. But that's the life of a cutter, I guess. For once, I'm actually not repulsed that that is my identity. I'm a cutter, that's all I am. Or one of the very few things, anyways. But I'm not ashamed of that. For once. I hope it lasts..
One Mistake Too Many.
I'm starting to remember why I don't hang out with certain people.
As it is, I'm gonna be walking for the next 6 - 8 fucking hours. Just walking. No stopping. How many calories does that burn? I don't want to do the math.
I'm so angry right now. I wish I had my knife. I'd end it right here right now. I'm so tired of failing. Fuck everything. More than fuck everything. I'm leaving.
As it is, I'm gonna be walking for the next 6 - 8 fucking hours. Just walking. No stopping. How many calories does that burn? I don't want to do the math.
I'm so angry right now. I wish I had my knife. I'd end it right here right now. I'm so tired of failing. Fuck everything. More than fuck everything. I'm leaving.
Self Harm Is Not A Joke
Some people... I just want to punch them. I told a friend of mine about my self harm a while back, out of trust. He didn't self harm, and said he couldn't understand why I did it. A little while later he got upset over something, and "cut". He sent me a picture of a few scratches he made, and such.
Then just a few hours ago, he once again... I don't even know. He was upset about his grades, as I guess they weren't that great. He said "It's good to self harm but I can't find the knife I used before." Maybe I'm just being really insensitive, but just from talking to him.. It feels like he only says/does these things with self harm to mock me. I could be totally wrong, and it has occurred to me that if he's resorting to at least faking self harm, he still has a problem. But for some reason, on some level, it offends me. Quite a bit, actually.
I wish I had never told anyone about my self harm. Ever. I'm honestly considering not talking to him anymore.. Just because he doesn't seem to be any good for me. I don't know though. Right now I'm just really pissed off that he had the audacity to say that, and in such a way. Ugh.
Then just a few hours ago, he once again... I don't even know. He was upset about his grades, as I guess they weren't that great. He said "It's good to self harm but I can't find the knife I used before." Maybe I'm just being really insensitive, but just from talking to him.. It feels like he only says/does these things with self harm to mock me. I could be totally wrong, and it has occurred to me that if he's resorting to at least faking self harm, he still has a problem. But for some reason, on some level, it offends me. Quite a bit, actually.
I wish I had never told anyone about my self harm. Ever. I'm honestly considering not talking to him anymore.. Just because he doesn't seem to be any good for me. I don't know though. Right now I'm just really pissed off that he had the audacity to say that, and in such a way. Ugh.
What Is There To Fear?
I just woke up... Really scared. Of what, I don't know. But its the limb cramping, make-you-sick-to-your-stomach, panicky sort of fear. I hate this..
Monday, August 12, 2013
Motivation
I watched an episode of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition earlier today. This woman was 24, and she was adopted. It had caused here a lot of emotional pain through out the years. Her highest weight was over 400lbs, she said, but her goal was to be 155. She lost 80 lbs in the first 90 days, and then lost more and more. She even had her goal weight tattooed on her body, because she said she was going to reach it. I thought this was incredibly inspiring, because after only 3 months of training, and going from being sedentary to running, she ran a 28.2 mile marathon. It was really inspiring for me to see what she could accomplish. To see how she worked for it, and how determined she was. There was more to it, but I am probably not making much sense right now. I'm.... not right. I'll just say that.
So with the above being said, I have binged for the last 4 days straight. I've refused to weigh myself, but tomorrow I will, just to assess the damage. I am expecting a 4 or 5 lb gain, to be honest. And a lot of repercussions. I guess I'll see. It seems like every time I finally hit a goal weight, I seem to go and fuck it up. I'm a failure at everything.
I have one year to reach 115. My UGW. I have a hell of a long way to go, but I am going to be restricting as much as possible. Once I break this binge cycle, hopefully tomorrow, I will start fasting. I have binged for 4 days, so therefore I am going to fast-restrict-fast-restrict for 4 days. With restricting being under 200 calories. I can do this. When I finally move up to New York, I will not be the same person I was down here. I refuse to do that. No fucking way.
I need to keep on track. I need to stay motivated. I'm currently trying to get some money for proper running shoes since the only shoes I own are Converse. They suck for running in. Once I get those, I am going to be running at least 3 days a week. Starting tomorrow, I am going to be on a weight loss challenge. Or a determination. It will be hard, because my roommates like to buy shit food, but I am going to do it. My dad leaves for out of town again tomorrow, and that means I have until September (Also when I go to Amsterdam) to fast as much as I can. No more fucking up. I know that Cimiron says that he loves me just the way I am, but I can't do this anymore. I cannot stay in this body another day. With that being said, I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, and I will post my weight on here. I'm hoping that it will finally make me accountable. I will also be posting my exercise daily, for a little while. Just so that I can be accountable, to myself. Is that going to bother anyone?
I am going to do this. I will reach 115. I will write it all over my hands and all over my room, if I have to. But I am going to do it.
Next year I only have 2 classes, and WarrenTech.. I'm hoping that as I will be in WarrenTech most of the time, that will allow me to focus on more of my studies. I've got to be perfect this year. I have the ACT and the SAT to take in October, I have colleges to apply to, I have to apply for Fafsa, as well as scholarships. I have no fucking idea how to do any of this, and it's giving me anxiety and panic attacks. It's my Senior year of high school. I have to talk to F, the counselor who ousted me for cutting. I really don't want to talk to him, but I hope that I can face it. I have no intentions of letting anyone get in my way of achieving all of this.
So in short, here's my goals for the next year:
1. Reach 115, finally.
2. Get at least in A in both my classes and WarrenTech
3. Apply to colleges.
4. Fill out Fafsa.
5. Start planning to move out.
6. Start saving money to move/get a car.
7.Get my license.
8. Get a car.
9. Take the ACT.
10. Take the SAT.
Those are my goals. I can do it. I will need support though, but determination alone is all I have, really. Nobody sticks around long enough to support. So there is my short update. I'll post my weight in the morning, as well as my plan. For now though, it's time to sleep. Or at least pretend to. I rarely sleep anymore..
So with the above being said, I have binged for the last 4 days straight. I've refused to weigh myself, but tomorrow I will, just to assess the damage. I am expecting a 4 or 5 lb gain, to be honest. And a lot of repercussions. I guess I'll see. It seems like every time I finally hit a goal weight, I seem to go and fuck it up. I'm a failure at everything.
I have one year to reach 115. My UGW. I have a hell of a long way to go, but I am going to be restricting as much as possible. Once I break this binge cycle, hopefully tomorrow, I will start fasting. I have binged for 4 days, so therefore I am going to fast-restrict-fast-restrict for 4 days. With restricting being under 200 calories. I can do this. When I finally move up to New York, I will not be the same person I was down here. I refuse to do that. No fucking way.
I need to keep on track. I need to stay motivated. I'm currently trying to get some money for proper running shoes since the only shoes I own are Converse. They suck for running in. Once I get those, I am going to be running at least 3 days a week. Starting tomorrow, I am going to be on a weight loss challenge. Or a determination. It will be hard, because my roommates like to buy shit food, but I am going to do it. My dad leaves for out of town again tomorrow, and that means I have until September (Also when I go to Amsterdam) to fast as much as I can. No more fucking up. I know that Cimiron says that he loves me just the way I am, but I can't do this anymore. I cannot stay in this body another day. With that being said, I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning, and I will post my weight on here. I'm hoping that it will finally make me accountable. I will also be posting my exercise daily, for a little while. Just so that I can be accountable, to myself. Is that going to bother anyone?
I am going to do this. I will reach 115. I will write it all over my hands and all over my room, if I have to. But I am going to do it.
Next year I only have 2 classes, and WarrenTech.. I'm hoping that as I will be in WarrenTech most of the time, that will allow me to focus on more of my studies. I've got to be perfect this year. I have the ACT and the SAT to take in October, I have colleges to apply to, I have to apply for Fafsa, as well as scholarships. I have no fucking idea how to do any of this, and it's giving me anxiety and panic attacks. It's my Senior year of high school. I have to talk to F, the counselor who ousted me for cutting. I really don't want to talk to him, but I hope that I can face it. I have no intentions of letting anyone get in my way of achieving all of this.
So in short, here's my goals for the next year:
1. Reach 115, finally.
2. Get at least in A in both my classes and WarrenTech
3. Apply to colleges.
4. Fill out Fafsa.
5. Start planning to move out.
6. Start saving money to move/get a car.
7.Get my license.
8. Get a car.
9. Take the ACT.
10. Take the SAT.
Those are my goals. I can do it. I will need support though, but determination alone is all I have, really. Nobody sticks around long enough to support. So there is my short update. I'll post my weight in the morning, as well as my plan. For now though, it's time to sleep. Or at least pretend to. I rarely sleep anymore..
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Aaaaaannnnd...
Cimiron left... like yesterday...
I crashed low. I fell hard. I puked. I cut.
I need to get my shit together, but I can't find the energy or willpower to do so..
I crashed low. I fell hard. I puked. I cut.
I need to get my shit together, but I can't find the energy or willpower to do so..
Friday, August 9, 2013
X_x
If anyone has ever felt what I feel with such intensity as I feel it... How can they survive? There is no surviving this..
Someone please fucking kill me.
Someone please fucking kill me.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
No Not Yet...
Today was alright. Cimiron leaves in 3 days... And I spent a day with him and my mom. My mom and I almost got caught being together, and I'm mad at her for a comment she made to me. She always tells me I'm fat.
Then I got forced into dinner, thinking about cutting with every bite. Cimiron tried to help, but he couldn't take away the fat feelings. Every bite was a struggle.
I registered for school today too. I start on the 19th. Ugh. I've really only got 3 classes. I have Pre-Calc/Trig and AP Lit and Comp. Then I've got WarrenTech for the rest of the day with one or two off hours. I'm so scared to start school because the pressure is on. I need perfect grades, and I need to retake the ACT as well as the SAT. I need to get into college and start applying. I need help with all of that, which means talking to a counselor. The very counselor who outed me for cutting. *Que panic attack* I don't want to talk to him. Everything in me is screaming to run the other way. Everything in me is screaming that I'm justnotgoodenough.
I'm scared that moving to New York when I graduate isn't going to happen. I'm scared that I'll get stuck here. All of my dreams are in NY.
In other news, I failed to weigh my fat ass this morning. I'm too scared of the number. I'm too scared to see the failure, written all over me. I'm scared that I can't be perfect.
I need someone to help me. I need something. But what?
My dad and S got back today, so no more babysitting. But my dad is still being as much of a dick as he was before he left. So nothing has changed there. Glad to know something is normal in my life.
That was pretty much my day. Tomorrow I go hang with Cimiron (if I can drag myself out of bed). For now though, I'm going to try to sleep and forget everything. I don't want to remember.
Then I got forced into dinner, thinking about cutting with every bite. Cimiron tried to help, but he couldn't take away the fat feelings. Every bite was a struggle.
I registered for school today too. I start on the 19th. Ugh. I've really only got 3 classes. I have Pre-Calc/Trig and AP Lit and Comp. Then I've got WarrenTech for the rest of the day with one or two off hours. I'm so scared to start school because the pressure is on. I need perfect grades, and I need to retake the ACT as well as the SAT. I need to get into college and start applying. I need help with all of that, which means talking to a counselor. The very counselor who outed me for cutting. *Que panic attack* I don't want to talk to him. Everything in me is screaming to run the other way. Everything in me is screaming that I'm justnotgoodenough.
I'm scared that moving to New York when I graduate isn't going to happen. I'm scared that I'll get stuck here. All of my dreams are in NY.
In other news, I failed to weigh my fat ass this morning. I'm too scared of the number. I'm too scared to see the failure, written all over me. I'm scared that I can't be perfect.
I need someone to help me. I need something. But what?
My dad and S got back today, so no more babysitting. But my dad is still being as much of a dick as he was before he left. So nothing has changed there. Glad to know something is normal in my life.
That was pretty much my day. Tomorrow I go hang with Cimiron (if I can drag myself out of bed). For now though, I'm going to try to sleep and forget everything. I don't want to remember.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Fasting!!
I decided that I was going to do a fast today, just because I have finally got all of the gross food out of me. I don't want to put any back in. I feel good, actually. Pure. This is why I love to fast. It guarantees that I will lose weight, at least a little. Which I really need. I'm going to try to keep as busy today as I can, just so that I don't feel so tempted to eat.
Part of me wants to do ABC again, but it seems like every time I do that somehow it gets fucked up and I have to stop. Maybe I'll start ABC fresh and clean in September, right in time for my trip to Amsterdam. For the rest of August, my goal is to lose at least 6 lbs. Which shouldn't be too hard because most of the time I am eating anyways, and my body knows that. So I'm going to try to fast as much this month as I can. I really hope I can reach my goal. It will be difficult, but not impossible.
Anyone want to do a fasting challenge with me? Comment below, if so. We can start tomorrow.
** Update: 17 hours so far in my fast. I've only had like 120 calories in liquid, which was juice. I'm trying to keep my blood sugar up as much as I can so I don't get as hungry and the chances of me eating are less.
Part of me wants to do ABC again, but it seems like every time I do that somehow it gets fucked up and I have to stop. Maybe I'll start ABC fresh and clean in September, right in time for my trip to Amsterdam. For the rest of August, my goal is to lose at least 6 lbs. Which shouldn't be too hard because most of the time I am eating anyways, and my body knows that. So I'm going to try to fast as much this month as I can. I really hope I can reach my goal. It will be difficult, but not impossible.
Anyone want to do a fasting challenge with me? Comment below, if so. We can start tomorrow.
** Update: 17 hours so far in my fast. I've only had like 120 calories in liquid, which was juice. I'm trying to keep my blood sugar up as much as I can so I don't get as hungry and the chances of me eating are less.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
This week with my roommate has been shit. I try not to be home because that only stresses me out and I hate it. My dad and S get back on Thursday, and Cimiron leaves on Sunday.
Cimiron. I have no idea how I am going to handle that. It's become almost natural for him to be here. It's become like an everyday thing to know that he is here and that I can talk to him, and that I can see him. With him gone, I don't know how I'm going to feel.
But I know that I'm giving myself one year to reach my ugw. No more than that. I need to be strict with myself. I need to be perfect. I can't really mess up.
I took Cimiron over to meet my mom, and he seems to like her. Which is a good sign, I guess. We're going back over there today. I like being over there, but I don't at the same time.
I'm still cutting, but it's getting to be a struggle to hide. I'm working on it. The other day, I asked a friend of mine who is a well known drug user/dealer if she'd get me some Ecstasy. Her only response was "No. You should stick to weed, dude." That's all fine and dandy, I get that. But you can't stop me if that is what I wish to do. I'll just find someone else to get it from, I guess. I know I shouldn't, but something in me wants to.
I'll try to post again later today, hopefully making a little more sense. Haha. I'm enjoying the sunshine, and Cimiron. He likes to joke a lot at my expense, but hey. I guess it's good that I have a sense of humor. Right?
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Fake It Until You Make It
I've been having arguments with Cimiron lately. We've never fought up until now. I started it, and only I can end it.
Exactly 24 hours ago, I cut for the first time in about 2 weeks. I had been fighting it for Cimiron, but I couldn't fight anymore. He refused to give me a hug then. We fought because I am preventing us from being together. He thinks it's his fault, I feel trapped. I have so much guilt over everything I tell him, even the small things. I'm pushing myself away from him but I don't know how to stop it.
I understand that he wants to help. But I don't know how to let him. After he saw the cuts, he told me that he was going to start denying me little things. This time it was hugging me, the next would be cuddling, etc. He said that he didn't know what else to do. I love him so much, but I feel like I'm gonna lose him. I told him that if he started taking things like that away from me, there would eventually be no "us" left. I also honestly told him that if he wanted to go, I would let him. I wouldn't like it, and I don't want him to go, but I told him I would accept it. In which case, he repeatedly told me that he didn't want to leave, that he loved me, and that he wasn't going anywhere.
I feel like things are so complicated with him. Like I don't know how to simplify them. I want to bottle everything up and just pretend to be happy. Fake it till you make it, right? But that's bullshit too, because I tried that. It only made me feel worse.
S's daughter and I are staying here for a week, while S is out helping my dad. S's daughter is fifteen, but she is dating someone who looked to be about nineteen. I told my dad that I was not going to babysit her daughter while she was gone. But still, I am stuck babysitting. Anyways, she had her boyfriend over and my grandparents stopped by. They freaked out and made her call her mom and my dad to tell them that he was here. My dad called me and now he is acting like it's my fault that she brought her boyfriend over. Like I should have been watching her closely and like I had the power to make him leave. Now my dad has restricted me to not allowing anyone over at my house. I'm not supposed to go anywhere, but Cimiron and I only have 8 days left to be together, and he is doing family things until Tuesday. So I'm running short on time to see him, but I'm trying not to think about it.
That's all I am anymore. Trying not to think about things. Don't think don't think don't think. If I ignore it then it will eventually go away.
I wish. I wish that could be true. I wish I could just erase myself. I wish I could just hide away. I wish I had never left a mark on this earth, or in anyone's lives. I wish I never existed. Honestly.
Exactly 24 hours ago, I cut for the first time in about 2 weeks. I had been fighting it for Cimiron, but I couldn't fight anymore. He refused to give me a hug then. We fought because I am preventing us from being together. He thinks it's his fault, I feel trapped. I have so much guilt over everything I tell him, even the small things. I'm pushing myself away from him but I don't know how to stop it.
I understand that he wants to help. But I don't know how to let him. After he saw the cuts, he told me that he was going to start denying me little things. This time it was hugging me, the next would be cuddling, etc. He said that he didn't know what else to do. I love him so much, but I feel like I'm gonna lose him. I told him that if he started taking things like that away from me, there would eventually be no "us" left. I also honestly told him that if he wanted to go, I would let him. I wouldn't like it, and I don't want him to go, but I told him I would accept it. In which case, he repeatedly told me that he didn't want to leave, that he loved me, and that he wasn't going anywhere.
I feel like things are so complicated with him. Like I don't know how to simplify them. I want to bottle everything up and just pretend to be happy. Fake it till you make it, right? But that's bullshit too, because I tried that. It only made me feel worse.
S's daughter and I are staying here for a week, while S is out helping my dad. S's daughter is fifteen, but she is dating someone who looked to be about nineteen. I told my dad that I was not going to babysit her daughter while she was gone. But still, I am stuck babysitting. Anyways, she had her boyfriend over and my grandparents stopped by. They freaked out and made her call her mom and my dad to tell them that he was here. My dad called me and now he is acting like it's my fault that she brought her boyfriend over. Like I should have been watching her closely and like I had the power to make him leave. Now my dad has restricted me to not allowing anyone over at my house. I'm not supposed to go anywhere, but Cimiron and I only have 8 days left to be together, and he is doing family things until Tuesday. So I'm running short on time to see him, but I'm trying not to think about it.
That's all I am anymore. Trying not to think about things. Don't think don't think don't think. If I ignore it then it will eventually go away.
I wish. I wish that could be true. I wish I could just erase myself. I wish I could just hide away. I wish I had never left a mark on this earth, or in anyone's lives. I wish I never existed. Honestly.
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