I have sort of plateaued in my weight... And a friend of mine reccommended to me that I should try to up my intake to 750 and give my metabolism a jump start. She said that if I did it for 3 days and then went back to starving as I've been doing, it might help to break my plateau.
So I did. I ate more food and reached 750 cals.... Which lead to a panic attack. I tried to purge but I couldn't get it all up and my throat is raw. I took 8 laxies, I've cut a bunch, I'm just freaking out.
I know I'm going to gain weight from this. Tomorrow, the scale will tell me that I weigh more than I did today. So help me, God. If it does - I'm gonna lose it.
I'm teetering on the edge, and I don't want to fall. But the rocks are slowly falling beneath me, and I'll eventually fall.
I'm gonna try to breathe, and try to sleep. I'm going for a 4 mile run in the morning, at 5am. Only 1 of 3 runs I hope to make tomorrow. I will be in control again. Not panicking and eating.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
Hang in there, sweetie. You're 2/3 through!!!
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