As I lay on my bed, I stare at the blank white wall in front of me.
I don't know what I'm looking for. The radio plays in the background but I can't bring myself to focus enough to actually *hear* the music.
I fade in and out of consciousness, not aware of the time or what's happening. There are no thoughts inside of me, no noise, no existence. I just... Am.
If I DO have a thought, it's but one.
I'm sorry.
Two words I can't bring myself to say out loud, but they're locked up inside.
After a little while, the wall starts blurring in front of me and one single tear slips down my cheek. Still no thoughts come.
I don't want to make myself aware of anything that goes on around me - I wish I could just stay this way forever. Stay... Blank. Numb. Empty.
But I know I'll get up tomorrow morning, put on a smile, and go through the motions of my day. I'll laugh, smile, maybe talk to someone. But I won't actually say anything. I'll just be... Empty.
Then I'll head home, maybe thinking about what needs to get done. Laundry, homework, chores. All of equal importance... But none to be done.
Instead I know that I'll just return to my bed, and lay staring at the blank white wall that I've come to know so well.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
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