Is a nightmare.
Everyone with an ED can understand.
I know you're supposed to be thankful on thanksgiving, but all I seem to feel is anger and hatred.
This morning started by my grandma yelling at me to take my hoodie off. She said I wear hoodies too much, but I couldn't take it off because I didn't have a long sleeve shirt and they can't see my arms.
What my life has come to, sometimes makes me sad.
I got really high, ate some food, took some laxies... and that wasn't even the main meal.
I tried to get out of eating, but I ended up having to eat a little bit. I still felt really disgusting despite the fact that I didn't eat that much. I don't want these people to be around me.
My roommate had a seizure a few days ago, and I guess she's lost her memory since 2000. She didn't remember me, she didn't remember her own kids, didn't remember life events. So she's been trying to remember, but I saw her today and I just wanted to run and hide. I'm glad that she forgot about the cutting incident.
So they stayed for a little while, but there were a bunch of people here, and I barely lasted 20 minutes before I ran out of the house.
I went and bought another lighter, two actually. I lost the other one I had. I was gonna sit in the park and smoke a little, but I thought my dad would still be here and I didn't want to get caught. So I ended up just sitting there and cutting instead. That's the only thing that makes me feel better.
I'd be lying if I said I wanted to stop.
I don't.
Destroying myself brings me a sick type of happiness.... Because I deserve it.
I also thought about picking up the habit of smoking cigarettes... I mean, why not?
But no, I don't want to get into that habit. I don't think that's my thing, it doesn't appeal to me. maybe another day and another time, but not today.
I'm being rude to people here, and I can't help it. My uncle's girlfriend is crazy skinny and she's here today too. She eats a lot, but I guess it doesn't stick. My aunts girlfriend is also here today, though she lives here, so I see her more often.
I love her as a person, don't get me wrong. But she's naturally skinny. Eats so much food, but still skinny. It irritates me because that's what I want to be, so badly. But I'm just not good enough.
All these people, all these triggers, panic rushing through my head.
The day isn't even over yet, I still have to face more family. Then on Saturday, I think... My aunt wants to go to another Thanksgiving-type-festive and she invited me. I know it would be rude to say no, but I just don't want to do this anymore.
I'm already teetering on the edge, and nobody seems to be able to reach me. My fault, my problem, my issue. Sorry. But I just don't understand what the point of tomorrow is. Nothing is going to change. Nothing is going to get better.
Last night I had this crazy idea that I could be happy. I could be healthy, if only I ran away. Now, I laugh at myself because I will never be happy, or healthy.
All I'll ever be is fat.
My plans for after I graduate, only apply when I finally reach 108 lbs. I won't travel like I want to, I won't move in with my boyfriend like I want to, I won't do anything that I want to do until I reach 108 lbs. I have a hell of a long way to go... But I have to do it. I don't see any other option.
Now I've got to go fake it some more with my family, and be social when all I really want to do is hide. I wish they could see that and that they would just leave me alone, but nope! That would be too easy.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
I remember how strained my relationship with my family used to be all because of my eating problems. But family really is so, so important, so please try not to think that you don't want them around you. I know it's hard, my love.
ReplyDeleteIt really will be easier one day. A few years ago, I could never have imagined a life where, when I'm at my family home, I could just eat or not eat whatever and whenever I want. If I don't want to eat, my mum might make a comment now and again, but it's my choice in the end. Being an adult is pretty cool in that sense, if not in any other aspect. Everything's just a thousand times easier now, and my relationship with my family is so much better. It'll get better for you, too, I promise. Just get through this horrible stage.
I really wish you wouldn't cut. I used to do it, too, so I understand the feeling. Just know that I'm here for you, sweetie, and keep remembering that things will get better!
Ps. the new hunger games movie was fantastic! I might even say it was better than the first one.
Love love love xxxxx
I'm entirely too fat to be seen by anyone, and I have such social anxiety that it almost always turns really awkward or gets worse when I'm around people.
DeleteI want to be an adult simply for that reason, my choices are mine to make, and my consequences are only my fault. I just hate that right now people can control so much of my life.
I don't know what I would do if I didn't cut. That's sad, but it's so true. Maybe one day I can stop, but for now, no.
I'm so glad you liked it! I would love to see it sometime here too. Xx