Ramble 1

You'll have to excuse what may come out of my fingertips in this (or the next few) posts. I'm a bit... Mentally altered right now. But I need to write something out, so bear with me please?

Here goes nothing.
I wish I had a friend. Here, where I lived. But not just any friend. A friend I could talk to about my ED, but also be able to talk about fitness with.
That might be my next project. But I'm scared that if I start toning my body, I'll gain muscle and stop losing fat. Or that I'll get fat. It's a stupid situation.

That's the other thing. Fitness.
I run. I'm a runner. I love to run.
I have days where I'm healthy (though I only eat clean foods and most usually only feel safe with protein) and I have days where I'm very much Eating disordered. So I don't know which to stick to, or what to do. I wish I could talk to someone about that too.

I got new running shoes today. I didn't ask for them. I will defend my converse or slippers (that are being held together with duct tape) until the end of the earth. I wasn't going to ask. But they were bought for me anyways. Then I was made to feel bad for needing them. So stupid.
So basically, I get to keep my running shoes, at the cost of leisure. I could do that. So now that I have proper running shoes, I want to run. Well... Since Winter is fast approaching, it is getting darker sooner and sooner. Which cuts into my time to run since my dad doesn't feel safe letting me out after dark. But he's basically agreed that I could run in the mornings before school. So that means I'll be waking up at 4:45 tomorrow morning to go run in the freezing cold. What am I thinking? Calories. I can burn calories.
I also know that I'll be going for runs on my breaks between classes too. Which means I need to start eating, at least a little. So... I'll be eating eggs. Protein. They're low cal too. My food options are still very limited, but this is a start. Hopefully it'll help me lose more weight.
I'm so regretting dinner right now... Ugh.