My eating was shit today. I don't even want to get into it, but I deserve it. Punishment.
Here's what I ate:
3 sugar cookies (I don't want to know)
Funyuns (180)
Cheetos (140)
banana bread (200)
Gatorade (50)
Apple Juice (56)
So my total for the day is somewhere around 1000. I took 6 laxies though, so once I'm done and empty again, I will be starting a WATER fast for 4 days. I'm disappointed in myself for eating... but I also know why I did it. Punishment.
There are more than a few things I feel the need to punish myself for.
I couldn't even exercise that much today.
Disappointment after disappointment.
Tomorrow is a new day and all that bullshit, yes. But that does nothing for today.
I want to cut. A lot. I want to hurt myself in any and every way I can, because I am just that angry. I want to destroy myself.
Actually, I take that back. I crave destruction.
So there you have it. Short and Sweet.
I ate.
I failed.
Too bad I can't purge.
So now I must be punished.
I am me.
I am not perfect.
I try to do the best that I can, set goals that I can reach, and do anything to achieve them.
But I've gotten a little lost along the way, and now here I am, struggling with Anorexia, Depression, and Self Harm.
My blog isn't supposed to be a happy place. Or an advice giving place. It's just a place that I can write out all my thoughts, everything I feel, without being judged!
Maybe you'll find solace in my struggles, someone to understand. Maybe you'll find interest in watching my journey through my life, or maybe you'll even take one look at this, and turn away. Every reaction is a lesson, and I am here to learn.
This blog is access into my most private thoughts.
With that being said, enjoy!
With that being said, enjoy!
I wish that I could take all your pain away from you sweetheart. You don't deserve it. And you don't deserved to be punished. I understand what you mean about tomorrow not doing anything for today. That's also how I feel a lot. There's a possibility I could be going on Monday into treatment. IDK if I'm gonna be able to see you before then. I miss you.
ReplyDeleteXOXO Katie
I do deserve this pain and so much more.
DeleteI would love to see you before Monday, even if it's just for a little bit. We will have to work something out.