A Shell of Who I Used To Be

I've got no finals left to take. I'm done. But why doesn't that excite me?

I was in a good mood today. I woke up at 8, it's pretty much my last day of school, and it was pouring outside. What's not to love about that?
So at first, I was just happy. I went outside and I played in the rain. I jumped, I ran, I walked, and I got soaked. I loved it. As soon as I came inside, I had to go to Sociology. So I told her that I was at school, and I went back outside. Not like we were doing anything. I got even more soaked, but I didn't mind. Then came time for the Chemistry final. I went in there, intending to take that final. But the more I sat there, the more I knew I wasn't going to. So I got up and I left. Just walked right out of the classroom. I know it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I guess I can't change it now.
Which, as it turns out, I'm fucked anyways. My teacher actually called my grandma. She told my grandma that I walked out of the classroom, that I hadn't taken the final, and that I wasn't going to pass her class. She also told my grandma that if I turned in 5 assignments, and went in tomorrow to take the make up final, she would help me pass her class. Or I guess that's what she said. But I don't know.
I'm just empty. I don't want to pass her class, I don't want to turn in the 5 assignments I don't have (Because I only have two missing assignments), and I guess I just need to do this. I need to fail her class, so that I can punish myself.
This is killing me. Literally.killing me. I used to be a great student. Then I started getting worse. I can't do that. I need to be as close to perfect as I can, be as good as I can. I can't fail. It's just not an option....
Except it is. Because I am failing, and I just can't do anything. Here's the proof. (I apologize for them being sideways... I didn't have time to edit them.)

This was my Freshman Year. I was a good student then too. That was the time I got my very first C. I had never gotten anything lower than that before, and it was in Government. I don't know if you can read that, so here's the grades I got. I'll post them twice. The first letter is what I got first semester, the second letter is what I got second semester.
Algebra I - B, A
Digital Photography - A
Earth Science - C, A
English 9 - A, A
French (one semester only) - B
U.S Government (one semester only) - C
Orchestra - B, A
That C in US Gov was my first C ever. It killed me. Even then, I wanted to be perfect. I knew I could be. If it weren't for that C in Gov. But even then, I had a 4.0 GPA weighted, and a 3.9 unweighted.

This was my Sophomore Year. Right about when things started slipping. I tried to keep them from slipping, but I guess I didn't try hard enough. Here's my grades:
Biology - A, A
English Honors 10 - B, B
Drama (one semester only) - C
Geometry Honors - C, D
Lifetime Fitness (One semester only) - B
US History Honors - B, C
Spanish I - C, B
The D in Geometry killed me too. As well as the C's. I still had a 3.3 GPA though. So it wasn't all bad, though I knew that I was slipping. I didn't believe that I had a problem, and I was determined to get them up. When I got my final grades at the end of the semester, I can remember just going crazy. To everyone else, I was fine. To everyone else, everything was okay, and I wanted to do better. But I think that's when my "barely there" eating disorder started getting full blown. I think that's when it all started..

This is from first Semester this year. The second category has no grades, because they are still in progress. So I'll just post those down below, and you can witness my downward spiral if you wish. Even more.
Algebra II - A, C
Chemistry - C, F
English 121 - B, *
Psychology (One semester) - C
Sociology (One semester) - B
Spanish II - B, B
World History - C, C

So there you have it. I went from being a straight A student, to now barely passing my classes. The asterisk next to English 121 is because she hasn't graded my final yet. So I don't know my grade there, but I don't think it will be all that great.

I can't believe this. I can't believe that I ever let this happen. No wonder my dad hates me. He sees that I am not what I used to be. He knows that I am no longer me. I guess I can't blame him.

I just want to cry. I want to cut so that I can feel something.

I never really feel anything anymore. I feel numb a lot of the time. I feel empty, not here. I don't mind the numbness, really. But.. sometimes I just need to know that I feel.

I think that's the only thing that I ever really enjoy anymore. I enjoy hurting myself. I enjoy the pain, the razor. I enjoy seeing the scars on my body, because they are a reminder that I still feel. I don't want to give that up. If I do, then what will I have left? Nothing.

I don't want to be me anymore. I hate everything that I can possibly hate about myself, and then some. I don't want to live in my body anymore. I wish that I could cut deep enough that maybe, just maybe, I could step out of this world, or even out of me, and become someone else. Anything, anyone but me.

I see other people, some of my closer friends, going down this path. The Eating Disorder path. The Ana path. I try and try to tell them not to go there, but I don't know what I can do to make them stop. I don't know what I can say. I know that I'm a horrible person for that. For wanting to and probably turning my back on them when they need me. For not trying harder to turn them away from the path that has destroyed me. For wanting to walk away, rather than watch them go down this path. I just don't want to feel responsible, I guess.

I'm really crazy. There are dark twisted things in my mind, dark thoughts that just eat at me. But I know better than to admit them. I mean, I admitted that I'm a cutter, and look where that got me. So I guess I'm just going to have to keep them inside. I don't want you guys to think I'm crazy, not that I even think I have the courage to admit them. If I did, then it would make everything real. There would be no more denial.\

They show up on the lines on my body, all the time. When those heal, there are always new ones to take their place, but even then, the scars are my memories. I don't ever want to forget this. I don't ever want anyone to ever try to make me think that I am okay. The scars on my body prove otherwise.

There is no erasing this.

It is forever me.

My past is always going to haunt me.

There is no way out.

The razor is the only thing that can help, the only thing that lets me express the pain inside.

People may think they understand, but I don't think that you can. I don't feel like anyone can.

There's only me.

Thinking... Thinking... Done.

I am fucking fucked.
Let me just say that.

I am not being over dramatic, or maybe I am and I'm just to naive to see it.
I have my finals tomorrow and Wednesday. Then I'm done with school. DONE. It will be summer time, and I will be a senior.
Only, here's the catch. I'm already failing Chemistry, but I couldn't give two fucks about that. I'm also probably going to fail English. Which is like my best subject ever. Why am I going to fail English?
Because I failed to write the Literary Analysis paper on Hamlet that we've been working on for ohh... 2 or 3 weeks now.
I know, it's totally my fault that I haven't written the paper. But... I don't know. I don't have an excuse. All I know is that every time I try, I just can't. It's like everything falls out of me. Every time I try to think about school, I feel like I'm falling. Falling so far, so fast, and I can't see the bottom. There is nothing that I can grab on to on the way down, but I know that once I hit the bottom, there is no going back.
I just can't do it. The other half of my English final is a test on Hamlet as well. Probably multiple choice, but I don't know. I have a C in that class already, I can't afford to fail.
I guess here's to summer school.

I want to talk to people, I want them to help me, I want to find a way to be okay, to be strong. I don't need people. I mean, they only leave. Or say that they don't know how to help me, that they can't help me. I am on my own in this. As soon as my finals are done, I am going to start in with it hardcore. I am going to let Ana run loose, have her way, do whatever. I am not going to give into her. I can't wait for that release. Then, when I'm no longer required to do anything, I am going to achieve my goals. I am going to starve, and be happy. I am going to have the summer of my life. I am going to enjoy being with Cimiron, with my mom, with my brother, and I'm going to enjoy my Summer.


There's also another thing that I'm anxious about. This kid, A, which is the kid that I previously pushed away, but am now friends with... He figured out that I smoke weed. Not that that is a huge surprise, but I guess he didn't know. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't push it onto people, I don't openly flaunt the fact that I smoke, and I don't smoke all the time. Nowhere near that.
I occasionally smoke with other people who do, but I never push people to if they don't want to. Hell, I rarely smoke around other people. But A, well.. he said  that he'd never smoked and that he wanted to try it. I told him to go ahead, and that if he wanted to, it was his choice to make. He asked if he could smoke with me. I didn't know what I was supposed to say, so I just shrugged. He later gave me some money to buy weed, because he said that he wanted to chip in his piece. I told him he didn't have to. I never actually thought that I'd be smoking with him. I never thought I would be the person to start that with someone who had never smoked before. I don't know why, but that makes me feel strange. I don't know what I should do. Do I go ahead and buy the weed, and smoke with him? Do I return the money and lie to him? Just tell him that I'm giving it up, and that if he really wants to smoke with someone, he needs to find someone else? Because I know that once he does it once, chances are that he will want to again. And he will turn to me. For whatever reason, one that I can't pinpoint, that makes me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. I don't like smoking around other people. The only people I've ever smoked with are my brother, my mom, and a close friend of mine. She's the one who started me on weed. But I don't know.

I just can't stop thinking about it. I hate this. I hate the fact that people know about me. I hate the fact that anyone knows anything about me. I need to take it all back. I need to take everything back. I need to go back to being on my own. I need to go back to being independent, not needing so many people. I need to go back to being closed off, and I need to start relying on myself again. I can't do this. I don't want to panic every time I think of other people. Of people who give so much to me, yet I have nothing to give back. I don't want to have to worry about what people might say, what they won't. I don't want to have to try to be social where I don't want to be. I mean, I don't trust people. I don't hold many people close to my heart. I don't feel. How is that in any way fair to the people around me? They give me so much, and I have nothing to give back.
I wish I could take back everything I've ever told anyone about me. Not the people here that read my blog, because I can't control that. I don't want to control that. But the people here, in my actual life, well, I just can't do that. I don't know how to explain it. But I just know that I need to take it all back.

So I guess we'll see what the next few days bring...

Mi Madre

Today with my mom was... Awesome.
I spent like 7 hours with her, and it was just *nice*.
There is no hate lurking in the corners, no anger splattered on the walls, no grudges within the people. It's just peaceful. Which is something I guess I needed.
I've felt genuinely happy for the first time in a while. All the while I was there (7 hours) I didn't think about how fat I am, how much I hate myself, wanting to cut, wanting to die... None of it. I was simply in the moment.
Going back to where she lived, there weren't any of the negative memories I might have thought would be there. That city has changed so much in the 6 or 7 years since I've been there. I hardly recognized anything.
We didn't do much. We hung out, talked, shared music, she gave me some jewelry. She gave me a lot of rings, which I added to a necklace to make it mine, a few glass eggs which help relieve stress, some papers on the Native American ways (my brother R is a follower of the Native ways, and I'm so curious to learn everything I can. Even if I don't believe in it myself, I think it's cool.)
I guess I didn't realize how many similarities my mom and I share. We're both into Wicca, we both like some of the same music, we both have ED's, we both self harm (or in her case she did at one time), we both share some of the same views, we both like to read. I mean, it's just crazy.
She gave me some weed (which I wasn't expecting, but I appreciate), and she made me genuinely happy. Maybe it was the yellow walls. xD
Anyways, my point is, I had a good day. For the most part. It was nice to get away, to see her, get to know her a little bit. Just nice to be anywhere else. Y'know? So overall, it was a pretty good day. I met her boyfriend/roommate or whatnot, and he's pretty chill. I'd love to do it again, and maybe sometime I will. (:
So that's the good part of my day! :D

Today is Thursday, but it's my last day of this week for school. I have a four day weekend after this, which I'm excited about. I've been working on all of my work, in little amounts. Not doing as much as I know I should, and avoiding the big stuff. But I'm trying.
I'm avoiding thinking about all of my finals, but eventually I'll have to face them. I just.. I don't know.
I haven't even started on my English Final essay, which is a literary analysis of Hamlet. I just don't know how to write it or how to start or anything. Oh, and the written part of the exam is also on Hamlet. Which means I'm fucked. For my other two finals, I think I can use notes/review sheets, so that shouldn't be too hard. But I don't know what I'm going to do about my Algebra II final. Just study, I guess.
I wish I knew someone who understood Hamlet. That would make my life a hell of a lot easier. Because I've read the play, several times. I've watched the movie (directed by Zefferelli) and I still can't understand Hamlet enough to write a literary analysis essay. Ugh.
I have to write it by Monday. I'm so stressing. But I guess, if nothing else, I will just have to pull it out of my ass. It's a college English class, so I'm getting college credit for it. Which is why I'm worrying about it so much.

Friday I am going to breakfast with my mom, and I'll probably end up spending the day over there. I'm kinda excited about it, because it would be nice to talk to her. But at the same time, I've got so many irrational fears and questions. What if she thinks I'm fat? Should I try to hide my ED food habits from her? How much should I tell her? What should I say? I don't trust her, but I'm not against trusting her either, so how much is enough? What if she judges me? She has an ED too, so I know for a fact that I'll compare myself to her. She's already so much smaller than me, so what if I'm not enough? Being social is hard for me, a lot of the time. So I guess a lot of these worries might stem from that, but that doesn't make them any easier to deal with.

Also, I've noticed that I count everything. I count the number of napkins on the table (and they have to be even), I count the number of steps I take. Like on a sidewalk, I have to take the same number of steps per square. I have to. I count my breaths, how many times I blink. I count how many times I tap a table. I count literally everything that you could think of to count. I don't know why. But I have to do it. To add to that, all of my numbers have to be even. I do everything in sets of 2, 4, or 6. Rarely 8, but only certain things then.

So yeah, that's my life. Just need to get through today. Shouldn't be too hard. Now it's time for Chem. >.<

Nonsense

My dad tried to talk to me last night. So I thought I'd give it a shot, but as it did the time before that, it only ended in a fight and nothing got accomplished.
I have accepted, or am  trying to accept, that I will not have any kind of relationship with my dad as long as I live there. Most likely for longer after that. It's just not possible.
After the fight, I ended up cutting really bad, and I realized how stupid I've been.
[this might sound odd, but try not to judge]
I've always been really good at keeping my wounds clean, hiding them, keeping them safe. You know, not letting them get infected. Well, turns out, I fucked that one up. For the first and hopefully last time. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not serious or anything, but it's definitely infected. I've never been so careless, and I don't know why I had this time. So, while I work on that, I guess I'll deal with the pain. Again, I'm an idiot, I know. It's in a really odd place, making it difficult to wrap. But it's also too big for a band-aid. Just my luck, right?

I thought about going back down and trying to talk to F. Again. I mean, I already know that he can't help me, but after the fight with my dad last night, I just wanted someone to talk to. I ended up staying up all night trying to sort this out. Which isn't helping, at all. Maybe I should just go back to ignoring it. I mean, it's gotta be better than this, right?
I really don't need to deal with this right now. I have a week left of school and I have finals. I have so much work I need to catch up on, and do. I have other things to worry about. This is not one of them that I need to worry about. >.<

I'm feeling pretty apathetic about everything that happened last night. I mean, I cried a lot. But now I think back on it and I don't really feel that much. Maybe I just can't put a name to what I'm feeling, so I try to think I'm not feeling it. I don't know.

I have 7 days of school left.
Just have to keep going, I guess.

Don't Forget About Me

I want to write... I need to write.
There is so much going on inside that I just need to write it all out.
But every time I start, I can't hold back the tears. I start not being able to breathe, and I feel like I physically have to hold myself together, or I'll fall apart. It's just too much.

There's nothing more that I want than a hug, and someone to talk with me about everything. Someone that isn't just going to apologize for everything and say they wish they could help me. I appreciate it, but it doesn't really help.

I spent all of Friday night stoned, and almost all of Saturday. Sunday, I slept a lot. Just so I didn't have to think. I'll do anything to not have to be in my head. To be able to escape for a while. I can't even begin to confront or sort through all of my thoughts and feelings right now.

My dad said he wanted to talk to me, on Friday night. But he said he'd do it when he got back in town. Which was yesterday. He said not one word. He said he would talk to me today. I don't want to hear it anymore.

S is siding with my dad, half the time. The other half she's trying to convince me and my dad to just let it go and forget it ever happened. I can't. I just can't.

My grandparents - I'm still ignoring them. I don't want to speak to either of them. Ever.

I'm so torn up inside, but I'm trying to pretend I'm fine. I'm talking to even less people, nowadays. But if you ask, I'm fine. Everything is fine.

I just.... I might not be writing for a while. Or I might not be around my blog as much as I have been. I'll still try to update, but in the meantime, don't forget about me.

Defy You Stars!!

Heyy!!!
How's it going?!
So I just came home from a concert!!! I feel amazing!!!
It was a concert with Defy You Stars, Carson Allen, Kill Paradise, and At Large. I don't know the other two, but DYS and KP are definitely my all time favorite bands. I'm so glad I got to see them in concert!!
I couldn't take any videos because it was too loud, but I took some pics that i'll upload tomorrow if I can.
I also got my ticket signed by Nikk, the lead singer of DYS. I got a guitar pick from the bassist in KP, and I was pretty happy. I mean, c'mon! Oh, and I got to go up on stage with KP and have some fun!!

All in all, it was the best. I'm so glad I got to enjoy my last day of freedom. My dad gets back tomorrow and he said he wants to 'talk'. I'm still so hurt over what he said, I don't know if I feel like talking.
I have to make sure he doesn't realize that I went to a concert, or anything else I've been doing. I have to be a good kid. Ugh.

I'm in such a good mood right now! I mean, I feel like the energizer bunny on steroids, meth, heroin, coke, speed, and any other drug. Just gogogogo!! :D
I'm gonna crash in the morning though. I know it.
That's why I'm writing this post and not going to sleep. I don't want to crash until I have to. (:
Happyhappyhappyhappy.

I'm so glad I went. I got a free ticket too. :D what could be better than this?

The Fallout

Before I get into what happened when I got home, I just need to say one thing.
I knew it was going to happen and I knew that he was going to be a fucking asshole. But I didn't expect him to be that harsh. That hurt even me.

So here goes.

My brother offered yesterday to face my dad with me, as I didn't want to do it alone. I was terrified of him. But my brother wasn't able to stay. So I got home about 3:30pm, and my dad got home about 9pm. Which gave me about 5 1/2 hours to think. Worst idea ever. Anyways, when he got home, I was in my room. I didn't want to confront him first, but it turns out that I didn't have to. He came into my room and the only thing he said was, "I hope you got the attention you wanted." and when I tried to tell him that I didn't do it for attention, he turned around and slammed the door. I followed him into the living room, and I told him that if I wanted attention, there are so many other things I could do to get it and that I wouldn't be cutting for attention.
He looked at me and just said that if I wanted to scar my skin up like that, go right ahead, because he didn't care. Oh, and he said that if Social Services gets involved, it's my problem, not his. Thanks, dad.
He started unloading his truck then, and I followed him. I wasn't going to let him just blow me off like that. I told him that he couldn't blow me off like that, and that it was obvious I had a problem. I told him that I needed him to care, and that he couldn't just do nothing. He said that he was blowing me off because I blew him off, and I asked him when I had blown him off. He walked back inside without answering me.
I followed him silently, and by then I couldn't hold back the tears. I told him that he was my father and that he HAD to care. He said he didn't have to do anything. I asked him then if he would care when I was dead. He just shrugged and walked away.

That was the end of that. I couldn't say anything more to him. That hurt... A lot. Until then, I didn't care what he said. But I mean, that was a low blow, and I have no doubt in my heart that he meant it.
I basically avoided him after that. I needed someone to talk to, so I called a friend of mine and we talked for a little. I also called my brother. Because if anything, he can understand what my dad is like. It didn't help though.

I'm so afraid to trust anyone now. Afraid to let anyone in, after all of that. I'm going back to talk to F later, probably at around 10. He said that he wanted to hear how it went with my dad. I wonder what he will say when I tell him what my dad did? Think he is neglectful? Stick me in a psych ward? Wonder if I'm going to kill myself?
Whatever F does, it can't be worse than what my dad did.

Oh, and yesterday when F was talking to my dad, I guess S and her son were sitting near him and they heard the conversation. So they know I'm a cutter now too. Great.
This morning, I decided that I was gonna wake up at 4:30 and walk to school. I didn't want to see my dad. S told me that she knew about the cutting, and that she didn't know how to deal with it. She tried to defend my dad, and I just shut that down. He doesn't deserve to be defended. He's a fucking asshole.
She said that it hurt her to know that I was cutting, and then asked me if it was because I wanted my dad's attention. WTF?
MY SELF HARM IS NOT FOR ATTENTION. IF IT WAS FOR ATTENTION, I WOULD BE GOING AROUND AND SHOWING EVERYONE MY CUTS AND SCARS. I DON'T WANT ATTENTION!!!!!

I just told her that it was my fight, not hers. I get that she is trying to care and to help, but that was a bullshit way. She then had the nerve to ask me if I would stop cutting. Yeah, right. I'm not gonna stop. I have no reason to stop. But F doesn't need to know that. I'll just omit that part of the conversation with him later.

I'm done. So done. I'm so hurt too. I don't know how I can sit in my classes and pretend to give a shit after all of that. I feel like crying. Just crying. But since F isn't here yet, I can't go talk to him. I think my teachers are getting mad at me too, for missing their classes. I just.. Am I the only one that thinks this is a legit reason to miss class?

I don't know. I can't explain what I feel right now. I can't identify it. I feel so much, and it's all so confusing...

I talked to F. Or tried. Soon after I got there, he said he knew about the cutting and that I had cut not too long ago. My silence confirmed that.
As soon as that happened, he said he would have to call my dad and notify him...
And then he had a security guard and a nurse come look at the cut. They said that it looked deep and that it would require further medical attention.
I said bullshit. It wasn't deep and it was only healing. They said it was about 5 - 6 inches long.
Which, by the way, he told my dad when he called him. Now I wait for the fallout. My dad is going to FLIP when I get home.
I wouldn't doubt that he's going through my room right now. Which means I'll have to get more blades later.
But I'm terrified right now.
If you've ever read anything I write about my dad... He's a psycho. He doesn't take things well.
So.. Here's the lesson I learned from this.

TRUST NOBODY. NONE.

If he doesn't kill me later, I might update. I'm sure he will though...
I'm so scared...

#YOLO

It's pouring outside and I have to walk home. xD
I sooo don't mind. In fact, I'm so very happy about this prospect. Rain and walking? Hell yeah!!
I love the rain.

Also... I might want to mention that I'm walking home in the rain barefoot. xD
#YOLO :D

I feel so low. So upset. So scared. I just want to...

I feel so low.
So upset.
So scared.
I just want to disappear..

Feeling low..

But what else is new?

So I went in to talk to F this morning. Only to find out that he isn't here. He's sick, and he went to the doctor. Which is fine and all. I totally understand.
In my mind.

Emotionally, it's a mess. I can't really even accurately describe it. I feel rejected, embarrassed, angry. I feel guilty too. I was supposed to talk to him about my attendance, which got fixed anyways. But while I was sitting there, S, my old counselor asked me if I wanted to talk. Because she thought I was there waiting for her. I just told her that I was waiting to talk to F, and explained about the attendance, but not the other stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I still feel really guilty. I can't explain it, and I don't understand why.
I had my day planned out, and I hate when things change. When things don't go my way.
I'm so stressed out and stretched so thin that I just want to run into a corner and lay there forever. I just want to cry. It's such an irrational reaction. But I can't handle this much stress, I can't do it. I was in such a good mood this morning. Everything was fine. Then just like that, my mood dropped. I just want to go home, lay in my bed, and not think.

I have so much work to do. I have barely done anything for the past few weeks. If I could just get it done and out of the way, everything would be easier. But it's like I sit down and I start to work, but then I can't do anything and I just sit there and stare at the page for what feels like forever. I don't have the work ethic or motivation. I don't have the energy. I just can't focus. My head is screaming out at me that I need to do all these things, because it isn't that hard. But everything else, is just empty. I don't feel anything. I can't think straight. I can't do anything.

I wish everything could end.

Apologies

I'm really sorry about the last post.
I just needed to get all of that off my chest, and writing it is the only way I know how.
So don't feel like you have to read it, because if you don't, I won't be disappointed. Just me complaining.

2 days down, 13 more to go. Well.. 13 more school days. 19 if you count weekends. Still. Getting closer.
I left school in a rush, and I forgot my Math book. And my Spanish.
No homework for me, I guess. >.<"

My day was okay, though. I got through it, and I'm not dead. Yet. I'll be able to answer that question once I'm home.
So tomorrow, I talk to F. I think I'll tell him about everything, but just not mention today's self harm. It isn't lying, it's omitting.
I've also got to talk to him about my absences. Like I saw earlier today that I was marked as an unexcused yesterday for 7th, which is when I was talking to him. So he has to fix it. I went to ask him earlier but he wasn't here today, which I didn't know. So I asked the security guard who I should talk to, and he told me to talk to my AP. I went there, and she told me to talk to F. Go figure. All of that made me late to 6th, and if it isn't fixed, my family is gonna go apeshit. Ugh.. Kill me now?

I also lost my bus pass. Hahahahaha. Funny.
Not.
So it looks like I'll be walking to school for the rest of this week and the next 2 weeks. It's like 4 miles away. Woo! I'm not as upset about that as I should be, but nonetheless, it's still really irritating.

Yesterday I went home and I slept. Like literally, right when I got home. Which was only because I didn't want to think. Worked well enough, but as a result, I got NOTHING done. So yeah. I need to kick this habit.

Aside from all of the above negativity, I suppose it could be worse. I feel less stressed about Chem, though I'm still failing. But the credits I get from WarrenTech next year will cover it, so I'm good. It'll still show up on my transcript as an F, but I can deal with that. I can only do my best. Screw what my family thinks.

I dread every day now, or almost every day. I just find it so hard to get out of bed and even consider the prospect of school and people. Which isn't fun at all, but I'm doing a pretty good job. Don'tcha think?
Anyways.. Yeah.

New Chances?

I talked to a different counselor in my school yesterday. I'll call him F. (weird...) For the first time in a while, I actually have just a little bit of hope.
Not that he can fix everything, and take away all my problems. But he said that he would work with me to find a solution. His straightforwardness and his honesty was probably what made me talk to him. I haven't told him anything, but he asked me to come back tomorrow morning. Unlike with the previous one, he didn't make me feel like I was one in several hundred students he had to talk to. It was just me when I was talking to him in his office.
I originally went in there to talk to him about ACT stuff, because I got a 24. Which would make my index score 106. I think. Which he said was really good, but that I don't think is high enough. I need at least a 30.
Anyways, so I talked to him. I talked with him through almost half of 6th, and all of 7th. Which I thought was really nice. I mean, I can make up the work from 7th, and we weren't doing anything in 6th. But he also offered me another solution.
There is a counselor here at the school, and I guess he's different from the ones I'd been talking to before. I don't really know anything about him, or what he can do for me. But the big thing was that I could talk to him, during school hours, but without parental permission. That right there increases my chances of opening up to him, because I am terrified of my family knowing. It puts a lot of pressure on me that I can't deal with. Even if they are trying not to. It still does.
I'm nervous about talking to F tomorrow morning, because I don't know how much I should tell him. I mean, normally I would say that I'd tell him everything, but does that include telling him about the self harm? If he asks when the last time I did it was, am I supposed to admit that it was today? Because he could take me as being a risk to myself, and then he might have to tell my dad. Which is a no no. So do I admit it? Or do I tell him everything but that? I'm not sure.
I guess I have the rest of the day to think about it though.

I would just like to say hello to my new follower, Caitycat66. I love getting new followers and learning what it is that made them interested in my blog. (:
So, if you're feeling up for it, there's a lovely comment box at the bottom of this page that would love your input. (: Buut, no pressure!

I really need to rant here for a second. So this paragraph will probably just be a jumble of words. If you wish, skip to the next paragraph. Ignore my pettiness. I won't mind.
K makes yet another appearance on my blog. I have English with her every day, and what do you know, we get paired right next to each other. So she walked into the room at the start of class, and the first thing I notice is that her legs are perfect. Like... I think she's lost weight. And I haven't. Fuck me. But not only that, the first thing she says to one of her friends is "I can't let (the security guard here) see me, he always picks on my wardrobe.". For no reason in particular, this pissed me off. So what did I spend the rest of the class doing when I should have been writing my essay? Watching her out of the corner of my eye. Seeing how perfect her legs are, how she's curvy but yet still skinny, how she was way too pretty to ever be my friend in the first place. Comparing her to me. She easily won in every category. Better legs, better stomach, better shape, prettier. She can wear shorts. She doesn't have to worry about people seeing her cuts and judging her. Or about scars on her body. She's PERFECT. I'd give anything to look like her. To look like anyone but me. She has the perfect body. I do not. Simple.

Otherwise, my day has started off kinda okay. I got a few job applications the other day, so hopefully I can get a job somewhere. I really need to start working. I was supposed to be fasting today, but I gave into a little craving. Not much, I promise. I should be able to burn it all of, easy. But no more food.
Everyone I know is either disappearing, choosing recovery, or going somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for those of you that are recovering from your ED, or getting help, or if you're finding some way to be okay. I'm so happy for you.
But it's made me realize just how alone I am in this. Sure, there might be people that are going through it too, and they might be there to talk to, but not forever. They're going to leave, to move on with their lives. Which is fine. But I need to prepare myself for that, and not get so attached. I need to stop depending on other people. So, with that being said, here goes my journey to that. To closing myself off from people again. I will do this, there is not going to ever be another time. I am going to succeed in being on my own, being strong for myself. I don't need other people.

In other news, I'm grounded for two weeks. Basically, I have to have all 6 of my teachers sign a piece of paper saying I was in class. Every day. I feel like a delinquent. Which I'm really not. And I'm terrified of how much lying I'll have to do in a few weeks. Right now, after everything, I just don't feel like telling the truth is an option. Outside of this blog, I lie so much that sometimes even I forget what the truth may be. I start to believe the lies. I feel sick. Like I am going to puke, just because of the anticipation of the confrontation that is going to happen in a few weeks. 3 weeks feels like SO long to get through, but I just need to do it. One day at a time. I have to. My entire future could be lost in the next 3 weeks. Or it can be made. It's quite a terrifying prospect.

2 nights ago, I went to my grandpa's. just because I wanted to breathe. I wanted a break. Despite being grounded. My dad called me up and started yelling at me because I was supposed to be home and he'd left his key on the counter, which meant that he was locked out. As I was leaving, my grandma started yelling at me. I jumped on her, because I just couldn't take it. I explained to her that I have been trying in school, trying to get my grades up. Only Chem, really. I studied for the last test we had more than I've ever studied for anything, and I still got a D. I did all the worksheets, thought that I actually understood it, and I still barely passed that test. My current average in that class test-wise is a 45%. So what does that say? My only hope for passing that class is the final. If I can get at least a B or a C on the final, I'll pass that class. otherwise, I'll be seeing it in Summer school. Which basically means that my life is over.
Anyways, so I got home and my dad started yelling at me. I can't even remember what he was yelling about, because at that point, I just shut off. It's like a stranger took over. I ran into my room, slammed the door, and  then heard my dad yell that I was just like my mom. I so badly needed to hit something, but I'm really not a violent person. So I started punching my bed. Which my dad added to the fight. So I started punching myself. When I realized that I couldn't hit hard enough, I started looking for either of my blades. Go figure, I couldn't find either of them. It felt like someone was literally ripping out my heart, my insides. Slowly, and painfully. The pain, real or imagined, took my breath away. I remember laying on the floor, curled in a ball trying to hold myself together. Literally. It felt like if I let go, then I was going to break into so many pieces and not be able to be put back together.
I remember wishing I had a gun. I didn't have enough physical strength to cut deep enough to die, and not enough pills.Otherwise, I would have done it. But I didn't have a gun, so here I am. Eventually, I remembered that I had my pocket knife. I normally hesitate upon using it, although I'm not sure why. But this pain, it was like it was going to overwhelm me, and if it did, then I know that I wouldn't have been able to come back. Whatever was left of me would have disappeared. So I made a single cut across my thigh. Deeper than I should have, and for a while I thought I'd need stitches. But I didn't. When that wasn't enough, I made another one across my ribs. So not the best idea I've ever had. But it worked. The internal pain was gone, and I could deal with my cuts.
Yeah, I'm an idiot, I know. But when it comes to things like that, I have no control. Every sense of care goes out the window, and there's nothing but me and the blade. I need to find another way to cope.

Since then, I've just been so emotionally exhausted, that I don't even have the energy to talk to people. I'm literally just sitting in my classes, going through the motions, but I'm not really here. I'm not present. I'm scared of what'll happen in a few weeks. I'm also trying my hardest to prevent it. Pass my classes, not flunk. If only I can do it. I guess we'll find out.

I also talked to Cimiron. Which was complicated, and confusing. I don't have the energy nor time to write about that right now, so I'll save that for another post.
But that was my weekend.
I hope everyone had a better weekend than I did. (:
Happy Monday!

Lost and Broken

Go on
Take everything
Everything that I am
Then punch hit or kick
Leave your mark
I understand

'You tried to say that I left myself open
But you didn't know I was already broken
I told myself that it wouldn't be so bad
But pulling away you took everything I had'
Now there is
Nothing.

To Be or Not To Be?

I feel like too many people know about me. Know about my self-harm, my ED, and all of it.
People that know me, like physically.
Wednesday, I was hanging out with A, who was the one I pushed away wayy back when. I'll have to link the post later, since I can't do it on my phone.
Anyway, I was hanging out with him a few days ago, and I got a panic attack. Pretty much out of nowhere. So what did I do? I got up from where we were sitting and I ran. I ran without saying a word, or explaining why I left. I ran out of the building, trying to get as far away as I could as fast as I could.
In all of that, he happened to see the cuts on my wrist. Despite the magnitude of bracelets I had to try and hide it.
So he kinda figured it out, putting my weird behavior (from that as well as past events) together. Now he knows. I wish he didn't.
I only feel guilty, selfish, scared. I feel horrible for letting him now. I feel selfish for making him deal with me when he has his own stuff to deal with.
I wish I could take back his knowledge of me.
As it is, I've been having a war inside my head, inside of me, between keeping him as a friend, and pushing him away because he knows.
Because he knows my secrets. All of them.
The less people that know, the better.
But I've already pushed him away once.
What kind of person would I be if I did it again? Besides... A small part of me likes having a friend. I don't have any friends here, not in the physical world. Or rather, I have friends - but not the kind of friends I can hang out with and talk to. So I kind of like having him as a friend, but I'm scared of him.
Scared of what he can do. What if he decides that I'm not safe to myself and tells someone? What if he tries to help? He doesn't know how, and I'd only feel worse if he tried to help and couldnt.
There is this war inside of me - and I can't tell what side is winning. My head is spinning, my mind is racing, and I'm stuck in the middle.

My Mother.. And My Brother..

A lot has gone on in the past few days. I haven't written about any of it because, well, the best I can describe it is that I haveb't felt like myself.
I've felt like a different person, and I didn't want to admit it.
But! Alas, here goes. There might be several posts, just while I get it all out there. Everything that's happened in the past few days.
So bear with me.

About 3 nights ago, my brother texted me, just wanting to talk. I was upset and pissed after fighting with my dad. So I told him everything.
I told him how I wanted to run away, how I had overdosed, how I'd wanted to do it again. He offered support, and said he wanted to hang out and just chill with me. Just to get me away for a while.
So that next day after school, we hung out. But there was a guest.
My mother.
If you don't know anything about my relationship with her, or need a refresher, here you go! My dad has a restraining order against her, and it's covering us unil I'm 18. (9 months from now).. So talking to her or having any sort of contact with her is illegal. She can go to jail for it.
But she was there, with my brother. We talked, drove around, smoked some weed, talked some more. It was nice. Relaxing.
So of course my dad didn't know about that.

I can't remember if I've ever written about it here, but my mom and I share some of the same issues.
For one, we're both Anorexic. I read somewhere that tendencies for ED's can be genetic, but still. In a way, it's nice to have her understand, but in another way, it's so triggering. She is so much smaller than me, and seeing her for 3 hours triggered me a lot.
So we'll see if it does any good. Oh, and I'm DETERMINED to weigh less than her. I NEED to weigh less than her. Just for the sake of my sanity.
My ED has made me do some pretty stupid things.
But it was still nice seeing her. Maybe we can hang out sometime again, despite it still being illegal.
So that's my *breif* but interesting encounter with my mother.
Emotional rollercoaster much? =P

I put the pro in procrastinate

Everything is crazy.
It's the end of the year, why wouldn't it be crazy? Turning in late assignments, stressing for finals, worrying about all the last minute things you've got to do before the end of the year.
I've done pretty well with everything, so in terms of that there isn't too much stress. But at the same time, there is. I've been pretty open on my blog, so if anyone reads this, then you probably know all that has been going on with me. Not that anyone really needs to.
This blog is my own little selfish outlet. Where I can rant and rave and nobody can complain. Or I guess you can, but if you don't like it, you don't have to read it.

I talked to my brother last night. He texted me, and I was so upset over my dad. Just everything he's been doing to me, whether he realizes it or not, he's still an ass. And my brother understood that, and he talked to me. It felt nice. I'm hanging out with him today after school, and I'm pretty happy about that too. I miss him. After he moved out, kinda moved on with his life, we stopped talking. For the most part. We don't really keep in touch much anymore, but I'm hoping to change that.
I'm pretty excited to hang out with him, if for no other reason than to just talk.

I've been listening to Demi Lovato's album Demi since it started streaming on the Internet. It wasn't supposed to be released until May 14th, but it ended up getting released early, and I'm so happy. I'm such a Lovatic, even if it doesn't seem like it. She's my idol. I mean, she's been through an Eating Disorder, Self Harm, Verbal abuse, things like that, and she 's still come out on the other side. It's just so inspiring to see her so strong, after everything. I love her.
Here's one of the songs from her album, and I can't stop listening to it. I just love it. <3

I'm addicted to "Two Pieces", "Heart Attack", "Warrior", "Neon Lights", "In Case", "Really Don't Care", "Fire Starter", "Something That We're Not", and "Never Been Hurt". Which is almost all of the songs off her album.
Not all of them, but most of them.

This album is definitely different from her last one. Her last one had more personal songs on it, like Skyscraper and Fix A Heart.
This one has more of the mainstream "pop" style to it, but still, I like it. If you don't that's alright.

I've spent my entire English period doing everything BUT writing the Hamlet Literary Analysis Essay I'm supposed to be writing. (:
Well, for now anyways. And I totally got busted for it, but whatever. That's alright. I really should get to work... So for now, toodles!!
Hope everyone is having a good day! :D

For The First Time In 6 Years..

Now I'm grounded.
Why? Because I had a panic attack in school, like I have so many times before.. And I didn't know how to cope. So I ditched and went home.
The school called my grandma, and my grandma called my dad at work. So he grounded me.
I am so tired of lying.. But I can't tell them the truth. Telling them about having panic attacks and anxiety attacks would lead to telling them about my ED, and that's off limits.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
They're gonna recieve a letter in about 2 weeks that shows all of my absences. There's at least 100. I don't know what I'm going to do..
Everything is falling apart right now.. The "it'll get better's" that I've been telling myself for months?
Fuck it. This isn't better.
This is worse.
This is the beginning to the end of everything.

I Need My Control Back

I feel like everything is out of control.
I have no control on anything, and it's killing me. Literally.
There are 4 weeks left of school, and I am trying to force myself to finish everything. The truth is, I just have no motivation. I'd rather be doing anything else. I know that I get this way when I'm stressed, and I have been turning in assignments, but to no avail.
I can't seem to control my eating. Once I start, I can't stop. It's a total loss of control. There is nothing that can stop me. It's like I'm doing it as a punishment to myself, or to someone else, but in reality, it only hurts me. I'm never going to reach my goals if I keep this up. So as of today, I am starting a liquid fast. I don't care what I have to do to keep it, to make myself follow through with it. I don't care. It is going to happen. No excuses.
My dad is still being an ass. All he ever says to me is something negative. Something I need to do better, or improve, or that I'm doing something wrong. I guess my grandma started calling him about my grades as well. Woo. Just another thing for him to get pissed about.
And... the guilt. That has to be what's killing me the most.
Guilt for reaching out, for asking for advice (over anything), for wishing I could talk to someone. Guilt for existing, for having human needs. Guilt for not helping others more. Guilt for everything. There is not one thing I can remember doing that I don't feel guilty for. It's like an instant reaction, and I've had it since I was a kid.

And throughout all of this, what does my mind keep returning to?
"Ending it is the solution."
Always.
I'm trying to fight, but I'm so close to giving up.
-_-

The End of Everything

I've realized words in my mind that I cannot speak. They are the end. Were they to take form in this world, this physical world, it would be the end of everything.. Everything.
Yet as I try to hold them in, hide them, change them, force them down.. I can feel them beating against my lips. Filling my mouth so full it's nearly impossible not to choke on them.
I see them in the perfectly straight lines I draw upon my arm. In the art of marking myself with the pain.
I see them in my actions, actions that scream words like
Pathetic
Weak
Stupid
Worthless
Ugly
I see them in the way that I walk, one wrong step after another.
I see them - everywhere. Yet I deny them, try to shove them down.
Those 3 words, words of failure, of disgrace, of humiliation. Of weakness.
I will do everything to keep them hidden.
They are not to take form.
They would be the end of me.

I feel less and less like a human being every day.
Less and less like I'm worth anything.
More and more selfish.
More and more scared.
Of everything. Everyone.

When I was younger, and my dad was still married to my then "step-mom", I had a "step-brother". He and I were like best friends, as we were pretty close in age. He was younger, but only by a year.
When we would play, sometimes we'd get in fights. My step-mom would send us to our rooms, and then go talk to each one of us individually to see what happened.
I would never be able to give the same story of the events twice.. And my story never matched up with his. Now, you might think I was just lying or trying to get out of trouble. My step-mom did too. But it was more than that. I honestly could not remember what had happened. Though it was only maybe a half hour before, I would always forget. I don't know if I thought it was unimportant or what, but I could never remember what had happened between my step-brother and I before we fought. Needless to say, I always got in trouble because of it. She and my dad would always think I was lying, hiding things, etc. But I never was. I simply couldn't remember.
It's always been this way. In several different situations, I would find myself looking back to try to remember what happened - only to find it blank. I would know what happened, but I could never recall basic events that led up to it, only the end result.
I thought that was just a childhood thing, something I'd grow out of.
But even now, I find myself in the same situations. Not able to remember simple things that I should be able to. Is there something wrong with me?
Or am I just that stupid? If I'm honest, sometimes it scares me. But most of the time, I just think that I really am that stupid. I don't know if it's something you grow out of or if it's something I'll always have to deal with... But I know it definitely isn't normal.

My brother..

I was walking around the track and my brother showed up with his "girlfriend" and her 8 year old daughter.
The whole situation just made me sad. He said they were walking to Walmart. But, like the brother that he is, we sat in the middle of the track where there was grass, and we kinda talked. Not a lot.
I see my brother, and the little girls' mom, and I feel sad.
She's 8. Both her and my brother smoke (weed and no doubt other things) all the time, and he thinks he's a gangster. He dresses in clothes 3 sizes too big, always all one color (black, red, or orange), and he had a gun hanging from his pants. I wouldn't be surprised if it was real, but I'm not 100% sure.
He carries a knife, and 2 axes on him. He was stoned off his ass.
He thinks he is a gangster, and who knows. Maybe he is. Apparently he works at Burger King, under the table.
Honestly. That is not a life, and I just feel sad for him.
This is who he has become. I have no doubt he will end up dead from something related to gangs.
I can't let myself care, because I can almost guarentee it'll happen and that if I let myself care, it'll be too much. I want him to be a big brother for me, someone I can rely on. But I doubt that will happen, so there's no point in hoping.
I just hope, for the sake of her life, her 8 year old daughter Hayli doesn't have to see it. Doesn't have to see any of the violence. That they don't bring her into their gang stuff.

Sunny Satudays and Good Books

Today is a lazy day. But in a sense, I'm feeling restless.
I didn't get out of bed until 12, which I'm regretting a bit now. I just layed in bed playing games on my iPod.
After that, I got up and went outside for a while to read a book and sit in the sun. (:
Now it's homework time. Which is only kind of working well. I'm trying to turn today into a fasting day. But overall, i'm not stressed (:
I'm enjoying the sun, trying to be productive but enjoying my lazyness, and enjoying the fact that my dad isn't here. ^_^

How is everyone's Saturday? Is it sunny where you are as well? (Wherever that may be xD)

Intro To May

This is a delayed May post.
I say delayed because I was going to post it on May 1, (yesterday) but I just couldn't find the motivation to write. I didn't want to say anything.
So here it is, May 2nd.

It's finally May. Wow. It still feels like it should be January or February. I guess it's true what they say - You may stop, but time doesn't stop with you.
About a year ago, (it will be 1 year on July 1st) I made a goal. A pretty simple goal, if you think about it.
I was going to make it to 115.
Well, now I'm here, less than a month away, and I am nowhere near that.
I'm much to embarrassed to actually admit what I am, but just know it's nowhere near 115. So I guess I will make that my goal for next July. 115. Or lower.
Never to early to start, right?
Or in my case, keep going.

But I'm also going to work on being happier. Among other things. To be honest, so far, this year isn't really starting off too great, personally. But it's only May. Not too late to change that.

I think I'm going to start making monthly goals. And I'll post them at the beginning of the month, and then again at the end of the month to see what I actually accomplish.
So here's my goals for May.
1. Down 12. I want to push myself, but I don't want to make it unachievable.
2. Smile more, stress less. Try to find something to be happy for every day, or most days.
3. Pass all of my classes with at least a C. (Except Chem. All I can hope for is a D.)

So those are my goals for May. At the end of the month, we'll see if I have accomplished any of them (:

That's my Intro To May post (:

Why Not?!

I am so done.
What more can you take away from me?
Why don't you just fucking shoot me?
Hurt me, torture me, kill me.
I deserve it.
But don't fucking apologize. Don't say "It will get better." or "I wish I could help."
Don't get me wrong, I get that you're trying to help, but stop saying it.
It's worse than if you'd said nothing.
I hate it.
I hate everything.
What more do I have left to lose??!!
Fuck it.

Nothing to Nobody

If I died tomorrow, in some horrible accident, nobody would notice. Nobody in my family, at least.
All I ever do is fight anymore. I fight with my grandma about grades, but I fight with my dad about everything else.
18 CANNOT come fast enough. I hate him. I hate being here. It's not good for me, and i'm sure he'd appreciate me not being here. Everyone would. Whatever.

...

626262626262626262626262626262626262662..
I didn't try hard enough. I never do.. :(

Whatever.

I'm supposed to be studying. I'm supposed to be studying because I have a huge test on Monday and I need to do well on it. I need it to pass that class.
I am getting credit (2 Chem credits) at WarrenTech next year, so if I don't pass this year, then that should replace those missed credits, right?
I can't even focus enough to study, or do the work I need to do. My brain is all over the place, and so am I. I'm everywhere, not able to see which way is up or down, and I don't know how to find it.
I have 5 more weeks of school.
That scares the living shit out of me, because if I can't get my ass in gear, I won't pass this year. And i need to pass it.
Ugh, I just want everything to be over..

Older is not better - explained

To further try to explain my fear of getting older, or older than 23, here goes.
I'm not afraid of how I'll look when I get older, or all the possibilities that life has.
I'm afraid of my body falling out of health, which it will no matter what anyways.
I'm afraid of the responsibility that I'll have. Which makes no sense because I'm already responsible.
I'm afraid of the pain.

I know that there are certain things you can do, and certain good things that come with growing older. But I just don't want any of it. I want to do everything I can and enjoy my life. I want to complete everything I have ever wanted to do, just before I turn 24.
I don't know how to explain it.
I thought it would be easy to explain, but it isn't.
It's like a deep seated fear that I have. I don't know why I have it.
But thinking about the things that come with growing up, getting so much older, such as bills, children, stress, taxes, working, supporting, people relying on me, everything like that, scares the living shit out of me. I have never seen someone that is older and happy. Someone that wasn't stressed out all the time, or dealing with a lot of negative things. To me, life doesn't get better after 24. It only seems to get worse. And I don't want any of it. I don't want to know it. It's a legit fear, but I don't understand it.

Hopefully this makes some semblance of sense.

Old is not better

I don't want to grow old.
I don't want to grow up. 18 isn't bad, neither is 23. But anything older than that, NO. I don't want to grow older than 23.
Go ahead and tell me that I'm selfish. Or that I'm stupid for not wanting to live a longer life when I'm healthy. That I'm just wasting my life, not wanting to live older than that.
But I know all that. I know that, but I don't want to live older than that.
It doesn't make any sense to other people, this fear. I don't think it's a normal fear though, but I have no way of knowing if it is or isn't.
I've felt this way - not wanting to grow older or above 24 - since I was little. I don't think it's something I will grow out of. I'm only 17 though. I've got 6 more years to decide.

You tried to lie and say I was everything,
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you.
Somehow I found,
A way to get lost in you.
Let me inside,
Let me get close to you,
Change your mind and I'll get lost if you want me to,
Somehow I found,
A way to get lost in you.

You always thought that I left myself open,
But you didn't know I was already broken,
Told myself that it wouldn't be so bad,
But pulling away took everything that I had..
You tried to lie and say I was everything,
I remember when I said I'm nothing without you.
Somehow I found a way to get lost in you,
Let me inside and let me get close to you.
Change your mind and I'll get lost if you want me to,
Cuz somehow I found a way to get lost in you.

The pain of it all,
The rise and the fall,
I see it all in you.
Now everyday,
I find myself sayin',
I want to get lost in you.
I'm nothing without you..

It makes total sense. What am I without you? You've become such a part of it, worked your way into my heart. You've helped me in so many ways.
But what happens when you leave?
What then will I be? That scares me.
I knew who I was before you, but now I have no idea.
I need you, and I hate that. I don't want to need anybody. I shouldn't need anyone.
I refuse to need anyone.
I'm perfectly fine and functional on my own.. Except I'm not.

Depending is dangerous

I waited for you, today.
But you didn't show, no.
I needed you, today...
So where did you go?
You told me to call,
Said you'd be there.
And though I haven't seen you,
Are you still there?
I cried out with no reply,
I can't feel you by my side,
So I'll hold tight to what I know.
You're here,
And I'm never, alone.

I am so needy. Which is something I just don't get.
I have never needed people before; I was so comfortable on my own, happy.
What changed?
When did I start needing someone? Needing to talk to them, needing them to love me, needing their approval. When did I start depending on them so much that I couldn't imagine my life without them?
I really want to know.

I'm just feeling it today :D

 

 

 

Saturday strikes again!

It's a Saturday!!
Today didn't entirely turn out how I had wanted it to, but that's okay.
I had planned to get up at 9, and start a fast with a friend. I ended up getting up later. For me, it feels like there just isn't enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I need to accomplish. It's now 12:30 and I've done nothing, so I guess I should get started, eh?

I'm thinking of doing a walk for MS with my school in May. My aunt has MS, as well as the band teacher at school. I'd love to participate, just because I like the band teacher st my school, and it's a family cause. I'd love to start doing things like that. Maybe not running, unless it's small distances. But I'm still thinking about it, and I've got until Monday anyways. ^_^

Has anyone that reads my blog ever participated in anything like this? (:

Thinspo saves the day!

It's only 9:30 am and I'm not hungry but I want food. I can't entirely pinpoint why, but I know that I am not going to eat. I'm not hungry, so no.
I spent a lot of my free time looking at thinspo on my iPod and the Internet, and I'm feeling pretty good right now. It definitely put me off food. I need to get it through my head that if I ever want to be thin, I have to stop eating so much.
I don't really know how to find when I am hungry though. It's like, I never eat because I'm hungry. I eat when everyone else eats, for convenience. But that doesn't work so well as I end up eating so much more than I need to.
I'm not sure how to break that cycle, but if I can keep this up, where I want to eat and then I get motivated not to, I hopefully won't look horrendous in summer. I hope.

I'm just wishing for the day to be over, as I want to be out of school so I can do my own stuff. And of course it's the weekend, so I just want to be home. But at the same time, after last night, I don't want to go back there.
I hate him. I really do. I don't think that can ever be changed, but I guess I can deal with it. And I'm a bit mad at S too. Today, I am happy, but I just feel generally irritated at everyone and everything.
I hate when my moods get like this, because I'm the most unfriendly person to those who try to talk to me. But I know that if I can just get some time on my own, then I'll feel better.
But at the same time, I don't really want to be alone. I want to talk to people, hang out. I want to have friends.
But that requires me actually having friends here.

I need it to be summer, so I can have my free time, and I can do whatever I want. So I can make memories, and not stress. So I can just be me, and enjoy my boyfriend being here as well. (:
Of course, it's always about him. ;)

I'm so glad that I've finally started finding happiness, but my moods can flip and crash low so easily. I can go from being the most happy person ever to hating the world and myself and wishing I was dead. It's pretty crazy, and it wears me out.
But for now, I'm just going to enjoy my Friday!
I hope everyone has a good weekend! :D

Bouncing back

Despite everything that happened last night, I have still bounced back. Of course. But I have no idea how long that will last or even if it will. I'm happy it's a Friday.
I got accepted into WarrenTech.
I got my iPod back, despite thinking I never would.
I'm alive.
Those are things which I have to remember, because they really are some things to be happy about and grateful for. I'm gonna try to not let last nights events affect me too much.
I'm so tired though, I was up until 3:30am watching YouTube videos on my iPod. :D
Yay for 3 1/2 hours of sleep. xD
I don't really mind though. I'm trying to be happy, and It's a good day. (:

By the way, I'm addicted to this song. Anyone else with me?

Daddy's Little Girl

What is it with me never being good enough?
I got accepted into WarrenTech, a school where I can basically study for college while still in high school, and I was so excited. I told my dad - and basically got no response.
When he got home, I heard nothing positive or praise like about it.
He also asked me last night while I was sort of sleeping, where the camera was. I told him I thought maybe on the kitchen counter, but earlier found it in my desk. I had forgotten I'd used it to take photos.
In response to that, all he said is "You need to stop lying, Camille."
He doesn't even trust me. What the fuck?

I can say till I'm blue in the face that I don't want or need approval from him. Really, most of me doesn't.
But after hearing both of those things, I went into my room and I cried. I cried those body wracking sobs with tears pouring down my cheeks. With my heart so heavy, not being able to breathe.
And right then and there - I realized that part of me wanted approval from him. Part of me was still that little girl wishing for approval from her daddy. Just wanting to be good enough.
S kept coming into my room and telling me that I was over reacting (because she thought I was upset about the comment he made about me lying). I told her that wasn't the problem, but I didn't want to explain to her how much I hurt just because I wanted approval from him. I did, however, without realizing it, repeat "He wishes I wasn't his daughter". Several times.
I hadn't even realized I'd been saying it till S said something. But that only made my cry harder.
To be fair, I blame my period. And S. I've never been this emotional before. I don't have emotions like these. I just don't.
So I don't quite know how to deal with them. But I know one thing.
I just want to be good enough for my dad to love me, to appreciate me. To notice me.
What more do I have to do?

Realizations Don't Mean Change

I'm not sure how to start this post off, or how to say what it is that I want to say.
So therefore, I'll just skip the pretty introductions, and jump right in. Here goes.

I don't want to be this way forever.
I don't want to be disordered forever.
There are two things in which I really want. Two things that I really crave, and that I believe I need more than anything. As much as I wish I didn't.

The first - I need to be 115.
I can't explain why, because I know that at 115 I will probably just hate myself as much as I do now, at a much higher weight. I know that it won't matter to anyone else what weight I am, and it won't make me popular (not that I want to be) and it won't make me prettier (I wish it would.) I know all of this.
So why do I keep pushing for it when I know that ultimately it won't change anything?
I think I keep pushing for it because I hate myself so much, sometimes I surprise myself. I know for a fact that I won't keep living in this hatred, and I don't want to. Losing the weight and trying to reach that magic number of 115, is my attempt at making me hate myself less.
While I know all of the above things are true, here is the flip-side. I won't stop until I reach 115. I won't stop until I get there, until there is physically nothing more I can do. I won't stop until.. until what? I don't know what it is that will make me stop. I don't know what it is that will make me realize that this isn't the way. I read just as many recovery blogs as I do eating disorder blogs. I don't know why I do that either. Maybe I just want to see what life is like on the other side, on the better side. I don't want this. And I could say that I will change my ways, having made this realization. But I would be lying. I know myself enough to know that I am like a rottweiler  When I lock on to something, it's almost impossible to make me let go of it until I reach that goal. You can try all you want, but it just isn't possible. That is both good and bad. If I were to lock that determination of something good, well then it is a good thing. But when I lock it on something bad, you see what happens.

The second realization that I had is that I am wasting my life.
I don't exactly know what I would be doing with my time if I wasn't obsessing over fat, food, calories, weight, and everything else. I wouldn't suddenly have a bunch of friends here to hang out with, I wouldn't suddenly have the perfect life, or be happy with myself. I would just be left with a lot of free time.
Well, and the fact that I don't think  I can ever imagine myself not having an eating disorder or hating myself. I can't imagine a life without it.
If I'm honest, I'm afraid of a life without it. It's all I've come to know myself by, and if I give that up, what would I be?
I want a life, there are so many things I should be doing, so many things I want to be doing. But I just don't feel like it's possible. They say that your high school years are the best years of your life. If that is true, then I am fucked.
I really hope that college is better. I hope by then I can at least make something of myself. Something to eradicate this feeling that I'm wasting my life. Because I really don't want to. It scares me, that I'm wasting my life. But at the same time, I need to.

I do kinda owe these realizations to Eve because I read her post "Hungry?" and it got me thinking.
Thinking doesn't always do you good, but hopefully this time it will.

I fully realize that yesterday I posted in the morning about how I was getting back on top in school, and how I was hoping to feel less stressed. How I was basically happy it was a Monday, though I couldn't pinpoint why.
Then about 6 to 8 hours later, I posted, simply, "It's over. I'm done. I'm sorry."

How to explain this?
I was in a good mood. Or at least alright. Or who knows, maybe I was faking happy and I was just so good at it that I was fooling myself. I don't know. And things were fine, until about noon. Then I started getting tons of anxiety, panic attacks, I couldn't focus in Chem, I didn't want to do anything. Just like that. No warning, nothing to trigger it. I just dropped.
I started trying to pick myself up after that, or at least pretend I was okay. A friend I kinda talk to occasionally asked me if I was alright, and I just smiled and said that I was fine. I didn't want to talk about it or explain anything. My headphones also broke, and I was supposed to get replacements today, though I haven't gotten the email yet. So I was just waiting on that.
Then I got home, and shit fell apart. As soon as I walked in the door.
I don't even want to get into what set it off right now, because just thinking about it makes me want to punch a wall.
I had an emotional breakdown, and everything just hit me. I don't really know how to explain it.
I have this feeling of desperation mixed with such an anger I can't hardly put words to it. I am not a violent person, but I have been wanting to self destruct. Put simply, I had come to the conclusion that if I had weed, I'd be high so I didn't have to think. If I had alcohol, I'd get drunk. Didn't matter. Which, for any of those that don't know me, I am not a drinker. I have never had the ambition to want to drink.After everything with my mom, I basically just lost that desire. Which was fine with me, because it didn't appeal to me. The reason it does now, is because it is a way to self destruct. It is a way to hurt myself. And that's where my focus is. That's the extent of my anger and desperation. I don't have anywhere to place it, or anything to act as an outlet so I take it out on myself. I've tried several things. But nothing just seems to be enough. Nothing. So I use myself. And food.
So yesterday, I didn't have anything left. I mean, really, it's stupid. But it isn't to me. So what did I do? I couldn't control myself and food, not at that moment. But I got angry and tried to erase myself. I cut so much, all down my left arm, all over my legs, and near my collarbone. I don't know why I chose those places, but if I had to take a guess, it would be that I could cut deeper there without hitting anything major. I barely cut near my collar bones, so it was mostly just my left arm and my legs. But even that wasn't enough. I couldn't cut deep enough, and I only used my blade, not my knife. I don't know why, but I've been thinking about it.
And even that wasn't enough. I needed to do more. So first I destroyed my room. I tore everything off of the walls, everything that I had carefully placed in order, and destroyed everything. Then I sat in the middle of all the destruction and I cried for a while. I don't know how long, but I did. I had locked my bedroom door so nobody could get in, and I couldn't get out. And I just cried. Then as the tears stopped (momentarily) I got angry. So angry. You know how some people say that they see red? For the first time ever, I understood that. There was no calming me down, no helping me. Nothing. I was literally seeing red. I punched my wall a few times, but stopped after my dad started bitching. I wanted to scream, but I didn't think I would ever be able to scream loud enough. I didn't know what to do. So I tried cutting again. I don't have my lighter anymore, so cutting is the only thing I have. But I think I realized subconsciously that I couldn't keep cutting, due to the fact that I didn't want to lose too much blood. And I had to hide it. So I moved on to the next thing that came to my mind, not really thinking about it. I took everything in my room that defined it as mine - all the pictures, the poetry I'd written as well as others' poetry, all the art, the Eating Disorder quotes, Inspirational quotes, little things I'd kept that had meaning (ticket stubs from concerts, guard medals, roses, etc.) - and destroyed it. I threw everything, and I destroyed as much as I could. I took everything out of my room, everything I possibly could. Just gone. Just like that. Now my room is empty. White. There's my bed, a tv, a bookshelf, and a desk. But that's it. Walking in there, it could belong to anyone.
It's no longer mine. But even that didn't make me feel better. Cue more tears. I cried. I said the most horrible things I could to myself, I wanted to leave my house but I had nowhere to go, and I planned on dying. I don't have enough emotional outlet to express how I feel. When I get like that, nobody can stop me. I get so destructive, and I usually turn it toward myself. Because I just don't have anything else I can let it out with. It's so frustrating.
After that, I just curled up in a ball on my bed and cried some more. Again, I don't know how long I layed there. I didn't want to cry. I was angry, I wanted to hurt and destroy. I wanted to break things. But I just cried. Eventually, I fell asleep. I think. I catnapped. When I woke up, I heard my dad downstairs listening to his music (you can always tell because you can feel the bass) and he was talking and laughing with S. Then I heard my dad come upstairs and talk to S's son, telling him how good he did working with my dad that day, how much money he made, how much he appreciated the help.
And I just reached for the razor blade.. again. Because I am never good enough. My own dad, the one person I had left that was supposed to love me and help me, doesn't. He has never told me he's proud of me, or that he appreciates something I've done. He's never made conversation like that with me, and I've lived with him for 17 years. I am like the black sheep in my family. Nobody wants me around. And I don't want to be around.
In about 4 weeks, my family is going to disown me. I am pretty much 100% sure I will fail all of my courses, and that I'll be stuck in summer school. And that is why they will disown me. Because everyone is so used to me being a straight A student. I am always perfect, to them. Except I'm not. So I have that to look forward to. It just fuels the flames. That anger and desperation I tried to describe above, that is exactly it. Nothing can help.
I know that I need to stop cutting soon, so that everything will heal by summer. I need it to. Because then it'll be a lot harder to hide in my hoodie, and I don't want people asking questions. And I don't want Cimiron to see it either. I am trying to keep him out of all of this. I'm trying to repeat that mantra I've recently adopted. "2 months... 62 days". It's less now, but you get the point. 2 months. I just have to make it 2 more months, and then all this shit can fade for a little bit. Or so I am hoping. And so people are telling me. I'm trying to make it that far, but even then I am starting to doubt that I will. I am doubting that I have the strength. Everything sets me off now. I don't show it around others, but I take it out on myself.
I don't want to go home. I had the ACT today, which is why I didn't have school. I've been at the library. I don't want to go home though. Just to be around more people that I don't want to see, more things to stress about. Part of me knows that if I go home I will probably just end up eating, which will set me off, and then I'll end up crying on my floor or destroying more things. Not that there is really anything left for me to destroy.. I need to do something.
I realize that I am an entirely too sensitive person, but at the same time, I can be the most unsensitive person. It's weird. But I'm also very passive aggressive  I can't tell people if they piss me off, unless I'm really mad at them. Otherwise, I just kinda sit in silence and get back at them in ways they won't actually realize. Then and only then do I feel better. It isn't one of my better traits, because you can't exactly tell if I'm mad at you. I'm also really awkward around people. Like I can only handle talking to people for short amounts of time, or being around them for short amounts of time, because otherwise I just get awkward. Even if it is someone I know really well, or someone I've been friends with for years. I still can't do long interactions. I don't know why. I don't know if this is something you grow out of, or if I'll always be like this around people. I mean, I can comfortably sit in a room with several people for long amounts of time, as long as they are talking and I'm not. But I can't actively participate in a group or be around people very long when I am the one that is talking. Man, I am just that messed up, I guess.

For those of you who have reached out to me in the past, and found that you were unable to help me.. Please. Just know it isn't your fault. I think I really am truly crazy. I get it from my mom. It isn't your fault and you shouldn't have to help me. You shouldn't have to be the thing keeping me up. I understand that. And I don't blame you for not being able to help. I am so grateful to you for everything. It does mean a lot to me, and if it weren't for you guys, I don't know where I would be. So please, just don't blame yourself.

It's over.
I'm done.
I'm sorry.

Monday!! :D

It's already almost the end of April, and yet another Monday.

Usually I wake up on Monday's not wanting to get out of bed, or go to school. But today, I actually feel pretty good! I'm not entirely sure why, and I know it wont stick around very long, so I'll just enjoy it while I can!

I'm still really paranoid about someone finding my blog -_- and I feel like I should do more, but I don't know what. I guess if nobody says anything to me about it, I shouldn't worry. God knows I don't need even more to stress about.

I do have some anxiety though..

I was really honest last night, and texted someone something that I have wanted to tell them for a while, but haven't. I feel like part of it was something they already knew, but I also included some new things. It was completely honest, no filter. Still today, I haven't gotten a reply. I don't know if they have seen it or not, but I feel really anxious about it. I've had a lot of mixed thoughts about what I should do, even before I sent the message. I don't entirely regret saying it, but I'm nervous about how they'll respond. And if they end up not responding, then I might just feel like an ass. I don't know. I hate this sometimes.

I'm hoping I can keep this feeling of happiness around, and not so much stress.

Which should be easy enough to do, I just have to keep up in school, and not sit in my classes doing nothing. I might just try that!

There are 8 more days in April!! What??! I feel like this year is just flying by. I can't even remember January or February. What I did. it feels so strange. Does anyone else feel like this??

Anyways, I'm off to class now! I hope today passes by quickly! (:

2 months - 62 days

2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months. 2 more months.
Just have to hold on for 2 more months. I'm praying to a god I don't believe in - please. Help me retain SOMETHING worth living for, and help me hold on for 2 more months. After that, if I've got nothing, so be it. At least I tried. But please, I just need something to hold on to for 2 more months. 62 days. Please.

Prisons Are For Criminals

I'm a prisoner in my own house. I can't go anywhere because I'm only 17 and there isn't really anywhere TO go.. But I want out.
I want away from my dad. I hate him. He may have forgotten the fights we had and all the horrible things he's said, but I haven't. He's accused me of stealing money from him - like I'm just that horrible of a person. He always picks fights with me - and it's only started back up after S moved in. Like he has some point to prove.
He doesn't know what I am going through. He hasn't seen the self harm, and I'm glad.
But part of me wishes I could shove them in his face and make him see what he does. What he's contributed to. Not that he'd give two shits. I mean, why should he? He never has before.
But I'm so tired of feeling like an outcast. He likes S's son more than he likes me. I've seen it. I'm nobody. I'm the person in the family that nobody wants. And I don't want to be here either.
I wish I could leave.
I'm pretty sure S has seen the thinspiration poster on the back of my door. It makes me so nervous every time she comes into my room, there's so many things around that she can notice. My dad is too oblivious, so I never had to worry about it before she got here.
And I refuse to take any of it down, because this is MY room. MY space.
But she thinks she owns everything. She's mostly nice, don't get me wrong. But sometimes she oversteps her boundaries. Like how she always makes me eat dinner. Which I can usually fix with laxatives. If only I could purge.
I WANT OUT. I don't want to be around here with all these idiots that don't respect me or my lifestyle!! Not everybody has to eat as much as they do!!! They're just trying to ruin my life. I hate them. All of them. I want them to go away, forever. I have no interest in giving a shit about them, or getting to know S better. I don't want an f'ing mother. I had 2, both were cunts. I hate that word, but in this case, it's appropriate.
I don't want to be a prisoner anymore!! Just leave me alone!!

Who Am I?

You can't be something you're not.
But I can sure as hell try.
I need something that defines me. Something that is unique to me.
Something I love doing.
And as far as it stands right now, I've got nothing. /:
I am nothing. I can't tell you any basic thing about me. Except maybe that I like to starve. But that's it.
That is not enough to define a person. Not at all. But It's all I've got right now.

My Best Friend Ana

It's times like these that I'm grateful for Ana. That make me glad I have her, and that I'm not entirely on my own in this.
She is control. She's the one thing I have that nobody can touch. Nobody can take her away from me, or make me eat. Nobody can keep me fat. Not when her and I are on the same team.
With her, I'm invincible. I can do anything. I'm untouchable. (:

Laying low

I might be laying low for a little while.
I think people are starting to notice my blog. Like people here. Administration at my school, people that have authority. People that know me.
So, with that being said, I will be removing all pictures of me on here, and trying to make my account as anonymous as possible. But that doesn't mean I won't still post (I have my phone). And I will still be me. I just need to hide a bit, I have too many secrets to keep.

With that being said, you can all email me at lastdaytolife@gmail.com if you'd like to chat or want any advice with anything. I always respond to emails. (:

The ramblings of my life

Whenever you are having a bad day, just think of a T-Rex trying to do the bend-and-snap! xD

This definitely made me laugh. Or at least smile.

Did it make you smile or laugh?

At least it's Friday!!

Although I don't have any plans for the weekend. It's supposed to get a bit warmer here, just a little, so maybe I can go for a run. I never feel motivated to do anything but sleep recently, because I stress out so much, and I don't sleep at night. xD

SUUUUUUUUMMMMMMERRR!!! I need you!!!

Please?

Two Can Keep A Secret...

If one of them is dead.

There's a girl at my school, and I don't know her well.
She's a student teacher for one of my teachers. And I was sitting in class today, working, and she stuck this sticky note on my book. I looked up, kinda puzzled, and she just said "If you ever need anything, you can always talk to me." or something like that. I asked her, "Why me?" and her reply was "I see things."
She didn't say it in a creepy way, just a kind way.
So of course I thanked her.
I mean, it's really sweet and kind of her, and I appreciate it. I really do.
But it kinda makes me wonder... What THINGS did she see? The only thing I could think of was the faded/fading cuts on my wrist. But even then, they're a bit hard to see. Or are they?
I think so. And then I thought - maybe she saw my blog. But i've only got that one class where I see her, other than a few times around school. But by no means often. So how could she have seen it?
I wanted to ask her what things she'd seen, but I had to go before I had the chance. I would ask her tomorrow, but it feels like it would be a little out of place, given that she asked me today. (It's 11pm here by the way, when I'm writing this post.)
But the curiosity is killing me. I also took an expo marker to all of me, writing on myself all the nasty hateful words that run through my head. Hey, I was upset. Then I just looked at myself, like the words were a physical reminder. But I washed off all the ones on my arms right away - I had a secret to keep.
So that's not something she'd see. So what did she see? It's driving me insane, this not knowing. Is it just me?
Even if I wanted to talk to her, we're not friends in any way, though we occasionally exchange greetings. I wouldn't even know where to start. And there's too much to explain, as I don't have the effot to re-explain everything to someone new. But I appreciate her reaching out.

Do you ever notice?

Do you ever notice?
The way that I try to let you in.
Do you ever notice?
How I try so hard to fake happy?
Do you ever notice how I fight to find a reason?
A reason to live another day?
I try to let you in
But you never talk.
I try to get your support
But you say you don't know how.
I try to find reasons to keep fighting,
For what we have.
But I wonder if it'd just be easier to let go.
So many words left unspoken.
Fear of what you'd say,
Of what I'd do to you.
Insecurities I hide behind
This brave wall of confidence.
Do you ever notice
When I talk to you, sometimes
That I fight to hold back tears?
That I fight to keep the words in?
Admitting how I feel or what I think
Would do no good.
It would be like punching a brick wall.
Getting nowhere,
Lots of pain.
But do you ever notice?
Sometimes I wish you'd say
Are you okay?
But then I'm grateful that you don't,
Because what would I say if you did?
No, I am not okay.
But I'm tired of fighting
Tired of trying
Tired of asking
For help
For hope.
Tired of worrying,
Or hating.
Do you ever notice?
Do you ever notice the way that I make comments
Things I don't even realize I have said,
Until after I have said it.
Comments that bring myself down
Because they are what I think.
I don't always catch myself.
Do you ever notice?
I sometimes wish that I could just say everything
Just explain it all,
Tell you everything.
But then what would you say?
Nothing.
And then I'd feel so bad,
So guilty,
Because nobody wants to watch another suffer.
But you know that you can't do anything about it,
Or that you can't take away my pain.
A pain that I inflict upon myself,
Because if the pain I inflict upon myself is worse
Than the mental pain I feel inside,
It makes it a little more bearable.
Do you ever notice
The way I leave things unfinished
I mean,
You have more of an insight into what I do,
Why I do it,
What triggers it.
I often make things overly obvious
Because maybe I want you to see
The pain I feel.
Maybe I want you do care enough to try to reach out.
But at the same time,
I can't make you see.
And even if you did see,
What would you do?
What could you see?
What could you do?
Would it even make a difference?
Probably not.

So silence I will hold,
In this fragile state of time.

PLEASE?