I can be so bipolar sometimes. xD
I don't really have any updates, other than that some of my grades (Spanish) are starting to go up. Which is good, I guess.
Now for them to stay that way.

Grades are dropping.

Weight is dropping.

Everything is falling apart.

Nothing is new.

Snow snow..

Go away, don't come again, some other day...

It's snowing a lot here. Which I can't say is my favorite, because it's always so cold. I much prefer rain. (:
But hey! If it snows enough, I'll have a snow day, and then I can really buckle down. I need it. >.<
I just wanted to post this picture of the snow from the 3rd floor of my school. I almost had to walk home in that. -_- I'd much rather stay inside where it's warm and cozy, and watch a movie or listen to music. Not be outside where it's freezing, much less in school! I'm praying for a snow day. xD Wish me luck?

I have 6 weeks left of school.
My grades can't get any worse.
Fuck.
I am actually terrified. I feel like I need someone to slap me across my face, then help me with this.
I don't even know where to turn to for help, or what to do to begin getting back on track.
I would say I need a break to get back on track, but I would only be lying. I would end up procrastinating and then it would do no good.
-________________________________________________-

_--------------------------------------------------------_

I need help. I hate school. I hate Chemistry. I hate this. I just want it to be over with.

Slow days -_- _-_

It's 10:43 am, and i'm at lunch.
Today is going sooo slow... mehh.
I want to go home. And run. And play with my rifle. I got gloves today, so i'm excited to actually try them out. xD

Oh, and i'm working on that project, so very hard, as you can see. (:

This is basically what i'm doing to pass my time.
Oh, and I saw K today. On Friday, I heard from a friend of hers that she wasn't in school because her mom had punched her, and she had a black eye. This is very possible, because her mom is a bit of a psycho. But I felt bad for her, and I will admit, a little jealous. Which is utterly fucked up.
The reason my friend was suspecting was because she had been lying to cover up why she wasn't in school, and her lies weren't matching up. I feel bad for her if that is really what happened, I mean, nobody deserves that.
But knowing her, she punched her mom back. It's kinda weird, how I feel about this.
I mean, not that I can do anything. She hates me. But whatever.

I'm not going back to the counselor, here at my school. I thought about it, but no. I am not going back. That's the end of that. Plus, these past few days, I haven't really been feeling suicidal. So that's good. I'm glad. It's kinda nice, to be redirecting my energy elsewhere. Into losing weight. Into being perfect. It's still there, the urge. I still have everything I would need if I were to go through with it. I still can. I just... Don't want to, as much right now. I'm.. coping.
Which I guess is good. (:

Meh.

I woke up this morning to the rain, and it was like a snow/rain mix. I just wanted to run outside and walk around in the rain, enjoy it. Not go to school.
But alas! I am here. In school, that is.

*cue stress*

I have a project that is due, or was. I am supposed to present it today, and I'm not ready. I thought about ditching that class today, but then I realized that I can't just ditch a class every time I don't have something done. I need to go to class. Buuut I'm so scared.
I guess I'll see what I do when the time comes
I am working on said project as I write this - or trying to.
I am hopefully staying after school to get help with Chem. Ugh.

I got nothing done over the weekend, I just basically did a whole bunch of staring at walls. Which, I have to admit, is so much fun!

Today is day 1 of the challenge. I have 14 days to lose 6 lbs.
I can do this! (:
I feel like my excitement over that is much more than my excitement over school, so all I want to do is focus on that. Not school.
This is seriously getting out of control. This blowing off everything that has to do with school and doing everything BUT school.

May 29th is my last day of school. I have finals on May 28th, and May 29th. Ughhh. I am so not ready!! I need to start studying... But it feels impossible.
If I could just get on top of all of this, then I would feel so much better. But it feels like everything keeps piling up faster than I can do it.

I need to find my motivation for school again.
Mehhhhhh!!

(Because I would rather look up pictures on Google than work on my project. xD)

Say What?

I bought a new scale today. Im pretty excited. Now I can start getting back on track with my weight. Hopefully move toward NOT looking like a whale.
I hope.

I'm starting this challenge thing with a friend of mine too. Basically, you have to lose x amount of weight in x amount of time. Whoever reaches it first, wins. It's good motivation. I'm excited. The first challenge is to lose 6 lbs in 14 days. Sounds easy enough, right? Let's just see if I can do it.
Oh, and I should probably update that page on my blog about my weight. Maybe soon. I want to rearrange it, change it.

I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow in school, but after school i'm going to go for a run if it's not too cold. It was so nice today, warm, sun shining. But it's supposed to snow tomorrow. xD Bipolar weather - my home. ^_^

In other news, I took a razor blade from my dad because I needed one and he had a bunch. Yeah.. Turns out it was a lot sharper than I'd realized. I didn't do any serious damage, but it was a deeper cut than i'd intended to make. But now I know.

It's only (almost) Monday and i'm wishing for another weekend. xD Or rather, I'm wishing for the summer. ^-^ For warm weather, happy memories, free time.

My favorite thing to do in the Summer is probably swing in a park late at night, in the quiet, staring at the stars. Or maybe going to Elitches. I love rollercoasters.
What is your favorite thing to do in the Summer?

It rained here last night. :D I was so happy. I sat outside for hours just listening to the rythem of the rain. It was peaceful. And though it was a little cold, just sitting on my doghouse listening to the rain was the best thing ever. I wish it would rain here more often.

This post is kinda everywhere, but that's how my mind is too. It's up and down and then up again.

But I really do love the rain. Does anyone else?

Stressing Out

My dad and S get back today. From Wyoming.
I feel like I am beating my head against a wall.
I got the motivation to do my school work today, but now my computer doesn't want to load any of the pages that I need. And of course, I left my math book at school.
This isn't working in my favor, and I feel like giving up. I feel like I'm just going to flunk out of school anyways, so what's the point?
No, I know what the point is. I need to learn this stuff. I need to learn Enthalpy and Entropy. But it just seems stupid.

I know that I just need to get through it. But I could use some help too. Mostly in Chem. The others, I can do. I just need time. But when I get stressed out like this, I get really lazy. I procrastinate, I put things off. I don't want to do them.
I tried taking a break from it all. That's what I did yesterday. I took a break, and just tried to relax. It wasn't worth it. I'm back to stressing out again today. I still have a somewhat good mood, but not really.

I can't wait to put this school year behind me. It's not the best, and I'm pretty ashamed at how bad I've been doing, because this isn't me. This isn't how I usually am.
I just want this stress to be over, this nightmare. I just want everything to end.

Random POSITIVE updates!

It is oddly out of place, but not unwelcome. I am actually kind of enjoying it.
My good mood, I mean.
I have basically been in a general good mood for the past two days. I have still had my negative moments, but they aren't bringing me so low that I get stuck there.
It's kinda nice.
I slept so much last night (13 hours) and now I feel kinda lazy. But I'm changing that around and I practiced with my Rifle for a bit, and cleaned my room. Soon here I'll start working on school work too. Every time I think about it, I get so stressed out and my "I don't give a fuck I just hate it and it doesn't matter anyways" mood kicks back in. So I'm going to try to do it one at a time. Just take it easy.
I am officially done with Color guard now, and while that makes me sad, it also gives me a lot more free time that I can use to do more school work. I hope that will start reflecting on my grades soon... But for now I'm not going to think about that.
My dad left for Wyoming again, but he'll be back tomorrow night sometime. I am thinking about talking to him about getting a Chemistry tutor. I know it's a little late in the year for that, as we only have like 7 weeks left, but I don't think i can get my grade up on my own, much less actually pass that class. I want to though, I don't want to fail it.
Yesterday I ditched my 2nd hour because I needed the time to work, and then I ditched my 7th hour because I was having somewhat of an emotional breakdown and I couldn't handle it. I had a rally right after that and I didn't want to go and pretend to be all cheery. My mood improved soon after that though. So it didn't last. I just need a few days off from school. Or better yet - I need it to be summer. I just need a break from everything, a chance to breathe.

Which yes, means that for now, I don't intend to end my life. For now, I see a future as far as summer. But that can change. For now, I'll just go with it. (:
I suppose that I should go get started on my work, and finish cleaning my room... But I'm such a procrastinator. (:
I don't really want to do any of it, but I know I'll feel better when it's done.
Oh, and I went to go talk to the school counselor yesterday, hoping to tell her that I was suicidal, and see if she can recommend me to someone who might be able to help - but she blew me off. So I'm not going back there, ever again.
Not that I mind, I mean, I basically forgot about it and left it in the past so that I didn't have to stress over it. And I'm doing fine now, so all is well, I guess. (:

Ohh... That homework thing. Yeah, gotta go do that. >.< Wish me luck!! (I'd much rather be outside playing with my rifle..) xD

Frrrriiiidayy!!

Ahhh!! It's Friday!!

So... It's Friday!!!
All in all, I think this week has been alright. I was supposed to get up at 5 this morning to do some crunches, take a shower, and get ready for school. Leaving time to get some work done. Last night after I got home from practice, I was so tired I literally fell asleep on my books... They're not comfortable. xD

But, alas, that didn't happen? Why? Because when my alarm went off, I decided that I wanted to sleep more, so I went back to sleep for an hour. I must have slept a total of like 8 1/2 hours last night... Which is like double my usual amount. Yeah, I usually sleep like 4 hours a night, if that.

I got stressed out over Chemistry... again. And I forgot to ask my dad about a tutor.. Hm. I need to do that. So I got to school late today, at the start of my first class. But I decided to ditch it, kinda last minute, to do some work. I've gotten some work done, but not nearly the amount I need to. Ugh.

I really need to stop ditching classes, because pretty soon here, I'm gonna get truancy. Which, if you don't know, means that basically I have to go to court and my dad can possibly get a fine since I have to be in school a certain amount of days a year. It's my fault I'm not going to class, but since I'm a minor, (under 18) he gets the fine. So I really need to start going to class.... It definitely isn't helping my grades any.

I have practice again tonight... and my last show. Ugh. I don't want to do it, just because I'm tired of it. But she let us add things to our performance, so I think it will be fun. I get to have a prison fight. :D Random, yes. But totally epic!! Annnnnd since it's the weekend, I am going to spend the rest of my night doing homework. No exceptions. I am going to take both my Ipod and my phone, and put them on the other side of my room or something if I have to. I am going to get everything done. Then I can enjoy my weekend. It's time for me to be strict again.

I'm feeling kinda anxious and scared at the moment, because my instructor wants us to wear T-Shirts for our show tonight, but there is no way that will hide the cuts on my arms. And I don't want people asking questions. I'll have to find a way to get out of that one. I don't really want to go to practice tonight, or perform, but I guess I will end up doing it regardless. One last time. My last practice of Winter guard before I graduate, my last performance. I just want  school to be over... meh! But at the same time, I don't because my grades suck so much.

Guess I better get on that.

Well, off to class I go!!

Question?

What is it that makes you all want to read my blog?
What caught your eye, or made you want to stick around?
How did you find my blog?

Just some random questions I've been wondering. (:

PLEASE READ!!!

For those of you that read my blog, I just want to say that I'm sorry.
I hate being this negative person all the time.
I do have hope, for summer.
It just hit me. My motivation.
I don't know why.

But it did, and I just want to say that I'm sorry.
I promise that things will start looking up, and that I won't be so negative.
I promise that I will be more positive, more interesting, more optimistic.
That I won't be so down all the time.
i am trying.
Right now, I don't have the time nor the energy to change it.
But in 2 months, when I am out of school, and this school stress is behind me, then I will be more fun.
More exciting, and hopefully more optimistic. I won't be so down, upset, and all this shit.

I was sitting in Sociology today, thinking that I wanted to actually get something done, give a shit, try.
I wanted to not let my life be an absolute failure, just for one second.
So I went into Chemistry, thinking that I would actually try to do it. I would ask questions when I didn't understand, and do the best I could.

.................

Let's just say that didn't end well.

I feel like such a disappointment to so many people. People that believe in me, and want to help me, and want me to do well. I just disappoint them all.

I'm literally out of options... I just want to jump in front of a bus..

Excuse My Ignorance

Who am I kidding?
I KNOW that I can't expect someone to help me.
I have to help myself.
I KNOW that I can't just sit back and wait for everything to get better.
I have to go and actively make it better myself.
That last post is bullshit.
I'm sorry.
I KNOW that I can't rely on other people.
I have only myself to rely on.

So why do I keep wishing all of this would just happen?
I am not putting in the adaquate effort.
I am a joke.
Obviously I don't want anything to change. I just want to sit here and complain about it.
I am worthless.
People should just stop reading my blog.
All I do is wallow in self pity.
"Poor me, poor me.."
Whatever.
I am pathetic.

You ask me how I am.
I give you my standard answer, "I'm alright", not really meaning it, but knowing it's what you want to hear.
You take my words just as they are, not questioning.
You don't want to see it, either. You don't want to see the pain that I try so hard to cover up, or the lies that I so carefully construct.
I can't really blame you, I mean, you know you can't help. But you're wrong. You help in so many ways; you just can't see it.
Behind that "I'm alright" there are so many unshed tears, pain lurking right beneath the surface.

"I'm alright." In truth, I'm really not. I'm planning suicide, crying out for help, feeling desperate, needing something, someone.. Anything. Pushing most of it away because I don't want it. But that's a paradox, isn't it?
I can't say I blame you for not seeing beneath the surface, seeing all the ugly monsters that I work so hard to hide. If you ignore it long enough, it goes away eventually, right?
Wrong.
I'm stubborn. I may know the right path to take, as well as the wrong one. But because of who I am, HOW I am, I will forge my own path, taking bits and peices from both the right and wrong paths.
And I can get through it - one way or another. Either that or meet the end.

I know you care, or at least I think I do. I know you feel powerless to help, a bystander to my self destruction. I know you don't think there is much to be said, and maybe you're right.
I would be selfish to ask you to step out there, see through my lies, show me that you care. Ask me how I am, dig for the answer that isn't my bullshit excuse.
I know I'd be selfish.

But what if you were the only one who could save me from myself?
What if you were the magic wish?
No... that isn't right. This is reality, not a fairytale. We don't all get happy endings.

Well, a girl can dream.

Rock bottom.. Again.

What can I say that I haven't already?
What can I do to show you?
Why am I still here?
Why am I still fighting?
What I want, and reality, do not clash.
My mind is racing 100 miles per hour.
I want...
What do I want?
I have a vague idea, but I have stopped wanting. Wanting anything other than a release, a final fuck you to a world that has destroyed me.
Or maybe I have destroyed myself.

I don't know how to explain how I feel right now.
I woke up at 2 am this morning (not sure what time I went to bed) and I didn't want to go back to sleep. So I basically sat downstairs looking at photos and thinking and writing for the entire morning. It's almost 11 am now.
I'm a little tired but at the same time I don't want to sleep. I tried to do some of my work, but I couldn't focus and all I could think about was food, eating, moving, anxiety, how fat I am. Usch. I was supposed to go to school today but it was just too cold and I just couldn't manage it. I'm so pathetic.
After sitting downstairs for about 5 hours, I needed something to do. I needed a way to expend everything building up inside.
It was like I was outside of my head, watching everything happen. I walked upstairs to my room, got the knife that I have and just started self harming. I had tears pouring down my cheeks, but all I could think about was the pain. How I deserved it and how I am so stupid. I mean, I say that I have an eating disorder but I don't look like it.
It was a great distraction, and I just need to keep busy so I don't eat.
I'm so scared to eat anything. I mean, we have fruit snacks here that are supposed to be only like 90 calories, but it's like I don't trust anything.
I don't trust food, or anything, regardless of how healthy it is. I know that this is the only way that I will get skinny.
But I'm so scared to think of the future, even a week from now. I stress out and then I start falling apart.

I'm holding on just by the seams, don't you see?
I'm barely holding on, and everything seems to push me over the edge.
My grandma called me upset over the fact that I wasn't in school, that I hadn't gone. I told her that my dad said I didn't have to go and that I was doing school work. I lie to her so much. She is so disappointed in me, so if she knew the truth... what would she say? I almost just want to wear a neon sign that encourages people to be upset with me. Everyone is anyways...

Whatever.
One more year, and then everyone here won't matter. If you're disappointed in me, fuck you. You don't know anything. That counselor I thought about talking to? Fuck that. No. I really should do homework, but I can't focus. I need the computer to do  it since I don't have the books I need... But I can't focus and I can't stand to sit here any longer. I need to do something, and I have so much anxiety. I don't want to hurt people anymore, but at the same time, I just don't care.

 

 

3 am rambles!!

I have been thinking about talking to a therapist again. Or rather the same one I went to before. And just telling her that I have been feeling the affects of my depression so much recently, and see if she might be able to refer me to someone who can possibly evaluate me to see if I need medication to manage it or if there is something else that can be done.
I hate this thought so much. I don't really want to be on medication. It makes me feel like I'm weak for not being able to get over it without it, but at the same time, I realize that the way I am currently living isn't getting me anywhere. I am missing so much school, because I have so much anxiety or I just can't manage it. I don't do assignments and projects and stuff because I just can't focus, because I feel like there isn't any point or that I'm going to fail anyways, so why put in effort?
I mean, part of that is just me, but part of it isn't as well.

Yesterday was a really good day. I wasn't as productive as I would have liked to be, but I mean, it wasn't a shitty day. I didn't really do anything, other than checking emails and such, and downloading music. I read a few books, cleaned my room a bit. Pretty lazy. I had a snow day, so no school. School is open today (I'm currently writing this at 3 am) but I don't think I will go. I have no way to safely get there and back, since it's still snowing and it's 10 degrees outside, so yeah... My dad basically just told me that I didn't have to go. Well, that was yesterday, but still.
I have so much homework to do, still. It's only Wednesday, but I have so much homework because I didn't really do any work last week. Bleh! Gotta get done somehow, eh?

There is so much violence in the world. It breaks my heart. I am watching this news program, and it was reporting on a man in Texas, breaking into a school and stabbing several students. they said that at least 20 were injured. I mean, you have that, but it's not the only one. Here are some stories on different things that have happened. Most of them are local to me, but nonetheless.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/sandy-hook-elementary-school-shooting/
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-201_162-57578677/14-wounded-in-texas-college-stabbing-attack/
http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_22645173/jessica-ridgeway-case-charges-against-austin-sigg-altered

These are just a few, but there are so many. And honestly, I know that none of this is news. I know that these things happen all the time. But I guess I never really see it. Or I try not to. Because it bothers me so much that all of this is happening, yet I can't really do anything about it. That I just hear about it. I mean, I'm sure there is something I could do, but I just feel so powerless.
Anyways, rant over.

There are just my jumbled thoughts at 3 am. xD

Nine Inch Nails

Making a plan

According to MyFitnessPal, if every day were like today, I would weigh 150.4 lbs in 5 weeks.
Here's what today looked like:
Coffee this morning (guilty indulgence)
Slurpee for lunch (more guilty indulgence)
nothing for dinner.
TONS OF WATER!!!!

No solids. Only liquids.

I could deal with that, but I also know that long term fasting like this isn't possible for me.
I'll eat, and then I'll hate myself more.
So I have to re-assess this.
I put some of my safe foods into the calculator, on MyFitnessPal.
It looked like this:
Breakfast: Apple
Lunch: Tomato
Dinner: Chicken Noodle Soup
And the total came out to 162 calories!!

I could live with that... Annnd it says that if I do that for 5 weeks, then I would weigh 152 in 5 weeks. Which I can live with, because it allows for a little wiggle room. But of course I haven't factored in my exercise. I will, and then I'll update this post. For now, I'm really happy. :D

Just let it end already

I feel like I'm going to throw up. I have so much stress and anxiety. I NEED to do well in school.
That is not an option.
But at the same time, I don't have motivation. And I'm so full of anxiety that I can't sit still for more than 10 minutes.
And as a result, my grades are dropping.
Sociology: 86.43% (B)
English: 75.81% (C)
Chemistry: 37.06% (F)
Spanish: 67.23% (D)
World History: 66.67% (D)
Algebra II: 76.1% (C)

My attendance has gone downhill too.
This is not me. I do not do this. I am the student with the 4.0, getting straight A's, or at least B's. I am the student getting help when I need it, and planning my future.
I talked to my counselor and some of my teachers about 2 weeks ago, and they all told me that I could not get any extensions. That it was my problem that I was having so many troubles.
I really want someone to slap me and scream at me that I need to get my grades up, that I need to do better than this, that I AM better than this.
I need a Chemistry tutor. It's the last few weeks of school, and I need to get that up.
I need to get all my grades up. I understand that I have turned in some assignments that my teachers have not yet up in the grade book, so those aren't counting towards my grades, yet. I wish they would though, because then I could assess the damage.
I am so terrified.
I have the ACT in 2 weeks, but I haven't studied at all for it. Why? Because I need to take the essay portion, which means I will already have to take the ACT again anyways, so why worry about it right now? If I don't have to stress over it, why should I?
But that's wrong. I am stressing over it. I have thought about asking my dad if I can get a Chem tutor, because really, I am not understanding it at all. I've asked several people here if they can tutor me, but they always bail or they don't know the material themselves. I can't do that class on my own. At this point, I'm willing to admit that I need help.
I need some control back in my life. 2 months. 2 months for everything. I don't know if I can do it. Right now, I'll be lucky if I get into any of the colleges that I want to go to. If that. I don't want to go to Community college, for stupid reasons. But I might end up doing that anyways.
I need control. I can't be without it. I need to do something. This week, I am going to start fresh. Just do the assignments that I'm assigned, and forget the rest. Or forget it as much as I possibly can. Maybe that will help.

Does anyone have any other advice? Anything would help.

Cool Calm and Confident

Earlier today, someone said that I am amazing. That despite all the shit that I've gone through, (which they know nothing about how much shit I have REALLY gone through) I am standing strong. She said that I radiate confidence, and strength.

I was actually speechless. I mean, no. I don't think of myself in that way, but that IS what I try to project. Confidence.
And to know that it might be working, well, it was reassuring. Even if it isn't true.

Nothing

Way to go.
Make me feel like utter shit, on top of how horrible I am already feeling about myself.
Thanks.

Words aren't enough anymore. Everything I'm doing isn't enough.
I need to do more, but what more can I do?
Fuuuck everything.
8 more weeks of school.
8 more weeks of shit and stress.

I just want to die. Whatever.

Colorguard!

We had about 17 guards in our region alone. We got 13th place. Not the best, but not bad either!
There were about 90 guards at that competition. Some I knew, some I didn't.
It sucks that it runs so late, but at the same time, it doesn't. I love Winterguard.
I don't want to see it go..
This has been a fantastic season. <3

I am totally psyched about this, but at the same time, tiiiiiiiiiiirrrrred.
I just wanted to post here that we got 13th, (woo!!) and that I love my guard.
I'm leaving my bitching out of this, because quite frankly, I just wanna be happy for once. And I am. :D

State was amazing!!! We performed about 2ish hours ago, and it was great! I'm not sure what place we've got, not until tonight! But I am happy with it regardless of the place we get. :D
--------------------

However, it is so triggering. I feel like my writing or talking is so pointless because I am always so negative. Or I can be positive, but not without the negative side.
WHATEVER.
I like watching all these guards, and being a part of it. It feels so good to be *a part* of something. And something I do well. I can't believe they are getting rid of it next year.
Yeah, they say that it's because less and less people are wanting to join, but I mean... No..
You only technically need 5 people to have a guard. So if we had that, then why not? Our guard this season is only 9. And there's 3 seniors. They want to keep fall, a.k.a Marching Band, but I don't want to do Marching Band. Colorguard is my home. WINTERGUARD is my home. /:
What am I going to do next year without it? There aren't any activites at my school that interest me..
I don't want it to go. /:

Hawaii/Lindsey Stirling

It won't let me post any photos from Hawaii or the Lindsey Stirling concert... My computer is being a fucktard.
/: I'll keep trying!

Hawaii/Lindsey Stirling

It won't let me post any photos from Hawaii or the Lindsey Stirling concert... My computer is being a fucktard.
/: I'll keep trying!

I can never rely on people.
I hate it. I try, but it feels like everyone else is just carefree and doesn't give a shit when things get done.
I have a certain time for everything, and a short time frame to work in.
I realize my anger in this might be misplaced, but c'mon!

I was actually in a good mood today. I didn't have to go to school, I looked pretty in a way that hid my fat, I learned work for State (Saturday!!), I spent the day dancing, singing, laughing, smiling, etc. It was a good day.
Totally opposite how I feel now.
I wish I knew more ways to punish myself. Maybe then I'd get it through my fucking skull that food is bad. I need to fast more often.
No sleep tonight, caffiene in the morning. I'll use caffeine to get through the day.
Cutting, and lots of it. Wishing I had the nerve to take it to my wrists.
But I don't want to go that way.. I'm not sure why, but no.
At least tomorrow is Friday.. Woo.

Borderline Personality Disorder

I have got Borderline Personality Disorder, I think.
I'll post the symptoms below, but I fit them so perfectly.
Unfortunately, you can't be diagnosed unless you are an adult, or over 18. Which I am not.
Hmm.

Symptoms:
- Impulsive and risky behavior such as risky driving, unsafe sex, or illegal drug use.
- Awareness of self-destructive behavior such as self-injury but feeling unable to change it.
- Wide mood swings
- Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression.
- Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights.
- Difficulty controlling emotions of impulses
- Suicidal behavior
- Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty, or hopeless
- Fear of being alone
- Feelings of self hate and self loathing

That's the symptoms. But they don't diagnose it in teens because it could just be teenage hormones and such. Which I understand, but at the same time, I don' want to admit that I have it.
Since it's not diagnosed, I doubt that I will ever be diagnosed. And I don't want to self diagnose because I don't want to be one of those people.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder/

A look inside my head

This morning I had 90 minute classes, and I have an off hour. So, 90 minutes to work. Which I needed.
When I got to school, all the thoughts started. So here we go:
Me: I'm tired. Coffee. It'll warm me up, and get me awake. I will go get some coffee :D
Ana: Coffee has calories. You don't drink it black, but you should. How many calories are in your coffee? 500? More? You don't deserve the coffee, fat ass. Do you want to be fat for the rest of your life?!!
Me: But I need it. It's beneficial. And I promise I won't eat the rest of the day. It will even out.
Ana: No calories is better.
Me: But I'm cold, and tired. Just one. That's all, I will burn it off later. All of it, and more.
Ana: Fine. But you are not eating for the rest of the day.
So while I was drinking my coffee, the mental loop started.
Ana: Fat ass, whore, skank, fatty, weak, needy, worthless, useless, failure, hopeless, coward, ugly, stupid, bitch. And repeat.
I tried to do work, but I got so anxious and jittery, and I couldn't sit still. So I gave up after 30 minutes, got up and walked around, so I didn't have to think, and because it burns calories. It helped, but only slightly.
Lunchtime (11 am)
Me: I have money, but I don't want to spend it for lunch.
Ana: Good. You don't deserve it anyway. You look like a whale.
Me: Maybe I could buy an energy drink. It has some calories, but they're liquid calories so they don't count. And it would give me more energy. Which I could use to burn more calories.
Ana: You already had the coffee, so no. You don't need more calories. Fuck you. Fat ass.
Me: I'm hungry, it would help fill the hunger. Or what if I ate something low cal? Something healthy; it would make me feel less guilty about eating, and then I could use it for energy.
Ana: NO. YOU WILL NOT EAT. YOU DON'T DESERVE IT. Besides, do you really want people laughing at you? I mean, look at you. People laugh at you when you admit you have an ED, or they would. You're too fat. No. Walk around, burn calories, bitch.
Me: Fine. Today can be a fasting day. I don't want to eat anyways. I have better things to spend my money on.
Ana: Like what? You're useless, helpless, and fat. Oh, and don't forget worthless. It would only be a waste. Like you.
Me: I'll climb stairs.
So I climbed about 30 sets of stairs, up and down, up and down, for my lunch period. I wanted to sit in the library and do work, but I still felt anxious.
My Chem teacher: Hey, want to come take the Chem test you missed?
Me: No. I'm not ready.
Her: *Gives me strange look* Do you enjoy being mediocre? Failing?
Me: I don't understand the material. I want to study more first, then take it tomorrow.
Her: Tomorrow is the last day you can take it, when will you come in? Why not take it today?
Me: Because I need help. I am trying to find a tutor, or someone who understands Chemistry.
Her: You should come get help from me. I am your teacher, that's what I'm for. When you come decide to take it, I'll be in my room. I'll be waiting for you to come get help.
Like I would ever get help from her? No. But thanks for putting me down. I'll add that to my list of mental insults. Mediocre.
At the end of lunch, in a daze, not really in my body, I walked to the lunchroom. I wanted a cookie, but I was just going to look. I wasn't going to actually eat anything.
Ana: Don't go in there. You know you will end up buying something, like the weak, pathetic person you are. Don't do it.
Me: I'm just gonna get water. I forgot my water bottle today.
...... Well, long story short, I left the lunchroom with 2 sugar cookies (500) and Baked! Hot Cheetos (120)...
Ana: See? You're worthless. You couldn't even manage that. Did you end up getting water? No. You're pathetic. Why don't you just end your life? You aren't worthy of staying here anyways. You're such a failure. Eating Disorder my ass. You're just attention seeking and worthless. I mean, you've been "admitting" to your suicidal thoughts and plans for a while now. But guess what? You're still here, and so am I bitch!
Me: Shut up. I hate you. I hate me. I hate everything and everyone. I'll prove you wrong. I'll do it. I'll die. Then nobody will be laughing. Or they will, but fuck them. I won't care.
Ana: Whatever, I'll believe it when I see it. Besides, you know you're going to eat the cookies and Cheetos and then you're going to hate yourself more.
Me: Maybe I want to hate myself. Besides, I can just burn it off later.
Ana: Let's see.... No. Go ahead and eat it, you fat ass. You're so pathetic. You won't burn it off later, you can't. You're a failure. Such a joke for living on this earth. Everyone is probably laughing at you.
Me:.....
After school, I went to Dairy Queen. Why? Because I knew it would increase my self hatred. I wanted to be angry, and I wanted that fucking ice cream. Hahahahahah. Fuck.
After eating it, I felt so bad. I wanted to purge, but I couldn't. I hate not having a gag reflex, I wanted to cut, but I didn't have my razor blade, and I wanted to die, but I can't right now. Soon, maybe.
Ana basically tore me apart. I don't even want to repeat what she said, I don't even think it was important.
Only one thing was clear, I was not allowed to sit down again, or sleep. I gave up that right, when I ate the Ice Cream. No, instead I would spend the rest of my night exercising. I wanted to do some work, and I've tried. But I have too much anxiety and I can't concentrate. My back hurts from standing so much, and running up and down stairs. I'm tired, but I can't stop. I have to keep going. Writing this has given me a small release, and I hope this can serve a later purpose. I'm not sure what at the moment.

In case you wanted another example of how Ana controls my life, here's one.
I need to pee. Maybe that's too much information. But as it stands right now, I am not allowing myself. Because since my bladder is craving relief, I am hopping, dancing, fidgeting, and shaking my legs. Therefore, moving, burning calories. I realize I could do that without needing to use the restroom, but simply because I need to, I am not allowing myself too. Or Ana isn't. Instead, I sit stand here and drink my water.

My head is a fantastic place to be.
This is my life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I rarely sleep anymore. Or not much. Ana and I refuse. Or Ana does. It's a constant battle. It's exhausting, but it's who I am.

Hopefully, if you didn't already know, now you know what it's like to live in my head.

I have lost my words.
I have nothing to say.

.....

It's over.

I'm sorry.

Mondays Disguised as Tuesdays

Hello there!! (:
Today is Tuesday April 2nd (for me anyways) and it feels like a Monday. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I didn't sleep at all last night, I had too much energy. So I stayed up, and now I'm tired as shit.
I'm feeling really lightheaded as well. Not such a great thing.
But I will deal with it. (COFFEE xD)

I am excited that I have one more week of Colorguard :D
Just one. State is this Saturday (eeek!!!). We placed 8th in our last competition, instead of last. I was so excited. But I am also stressing out. I have so much to do... And I didn't do any of it over break. None. I wasn't planning to be here today... so yeah....

I have no motivation to do it. No hope to do it.
I don't want this, life.

But I'll just get through today, and see how I feel.
I get my phone back today as well, and I have to say, I missed it.
Just because recently these past few days have been rough, and I rely on my phone and the people I text for support.
I shouldn't, but I do.
I hate it.

I'm gonna go get some coffee, and try to be more of a morning person. I don't want to start off the day hating everything and everyone. (:
Positive.

If Today Was Your Last Day

If today was your last day,
And tomorrow was too late,
would you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last,
Leave old pictures in the past,
Donate every dime you have?
- Nickelback

If I wasn't here tomorrow,
Would anybody care?
If my time was up,
I'd want to know,
You were happy I was there.
If I wasn't here tomorrow,
Would anyone lose sleep?
If I wasn't hard and hollow,
Then maybe you'd miss me..
I know I'm a mess,
And I wanna be someone,
Someone I'd like better.
I can never forget,
So don't remind me of it forever.
What if I'd just pulled myself together?
Would it matter at all?
What if i had just tried not to remember,
Would it matter at all?
-Skillet

I know that all of you care about me. Everyone who reads my blog.
I know that.
But I've said it before and I'll say it again. You're wasting your time trying to help me.I'm stubborn, and for whatever reason, I don't want help.
I feel stuck.
No up.
There is no up.
I don't want up.
I want more things to crash around me.
I want everything to break.
I want to destroy myself.
I want to destroy everything around me.
I want nothing to be left standing.

Even myself.

Rethought

I am rethinking everything.
I need to stop thinking. Stop this.
I don't have time for this.

Why can't you see through my bullshit?
I am trying to show you, but you can't hear me.
I can't explain with words how I feel.
I just need you to know.
Need you to see.
I'm trying....
See me.
Please.

Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.
I thought things couldn't get worse. But they can.
Fuck.
I managed to fool myself for a few days, but now I can't anymore.
I just want someone to kill me.
I want to die.

I want to run, disappear, be anywhere and nowhere.
I want to just go away, but I guess I can't.
Fuck me.
Everything.
I want to be happy and positive, but I guess I just don't know how.
Fuck it all.

I. Am. Done.

3 am ramblings

Sleep is evading me.
I'm wired. I'm not on drugs, promise.
But I want to do jumping jacks, clean everything, and do anything to expend energy. I just finished watching a 45 minute Eating Disorder documentary.
I don't know why I watch them.
They both intrigue me, and trigger me.
They help but they hurt me too.

I spent all of last night crying. My friends boyfriend tried to comfort me, and I was so close to telling him everything. But I'm glad I didn't. I told my friend that I was suicidal, and hinted at my plans. She threatened to put me on 24 hour suicide watch. And both her boyfriend and her saw the cuts on my wrist. I can't believe I was that stupid.
To be honest, I'm angry. I'm so pissed at my friend for leaving me when I needed her. For her not knowing how to help me.. But I pushed her away and I wanted her to go. So I guess I can't be upset.

I am craving the physical comfort of a person. Like not emotional, or anything like that. Just someone to sit with me, or hug me, or hold me. Just be with me. And... Go figure. The one person who would be perfect for that isn't here.

And I am making no sense. It is like 3 am here, and I haven't slept in 27 hours. Woo! Exciting, huh?
I am trying to do anything and everything that I can in order to stay awake. I don't want to sleep, but if I stop being busy, then I'll start thinking too.

I don't have the energy to comment on posts, or half of the time respond to peoples texts, or things like that. I just want to sit and stare at a wall. Or I do have energy, just not to interact with people. Does that make any sense?
I wish I did. I still talk to some people, but at the same time, I don't want to because it'd hurt them. For a while there, maybe like 2 hours, I wanted to get better. I wanted to live, and succeed at starving and getting thin. I wanted to stop eating, and exercise instead. But that's impossible.
Or at least right now it is.
So I go back to my days counting. 4 days. Too much time, yet not enough. I'm so torn, and so confused. But at the same time I'm not.
I don't know anymore.
I want everything to stop,
Everything.
Thinking, caring, trying, hoping, wishing, breathing, living. Everything.

I don't even know anymore.

Lindsey Stirling

I went to a Lindsey Stirling concert... twice!!
I went last night with my friend and her boyfriend, and then I got free tickets for a show tonight that was sold out, so I went again.
She is amazing!!!

If you don't know who she is, then you should look her up. Though of course I will post a few of her videos below.

There were some idiots at the concert that spilled beer all over me, so I took a shower when I got home.
Not the best idea, but whatever.

I am happy about this. But it feels like it takes too much effort to express it.
To try to explain how I feel.
Too hard.

And that's where I'm gonna end this post, because I don't want it to get all depressing. :D

Tell me what you think of her? (:

April Fools Day

What has my life come to?
Nothing.
Just that.... Nothing.

I smile, pretend to laugh, pretend to give a fuck.
All the while, sitting here.
I promised myself and one other person that I would wait until April 1, 2013. I could explain why, but that would make me somewhat of an asshole.

I promised that I would try to find something or someone to connect to, in that week. Technically 8 days. But now it's 7 days, and every thing I do only cements my decision more.

I don't know why I'm writing this out. I think it might help me to stay here. To help me keep that promise. April 1st. If by then, nothing has changed, then I guess that's that.

Don't bother trying to change my mind. It would just be a waste of your time. You can't change my mind. I can't bear this much pain, and I am tired of trying to pretend that I can. It isn't worth it, and I'm giving up.


Hear that?

I.
Am.
Giving.
Up.

But please, just remember me for who I was, if you knew me/ Don't forget.

Why can't I just let go?
Nobody deserves this much pain... There's no way it could hurt this much..
Please...

Last day to Nowhere

My school counselor wanted to do a check up with me, after I talked with her last week. So I went to see her today, with no preset plan. I would simply tell her what I felt comfortable with, answer what questions she asked me.
I thought about telling her about my... plans. But I couldn't bring myself to.

Several times throughout the hour in which we talked, she would ask me if I wanted things to change. I said I didn't know anymore. I said that part of me wanted them to change, part of me didn't. But that the part that did want the change is overshadowed by the fact that I don't deserve it.
Her response? She basically said that she can't help me, and that nobody can help me unless I help myself. Which is exactly the problem.
I can't help myself.
If I could, would I be here?

Would I be doing what I'm doing right now?
The answer - no.

So thanks for nothing, I guess. I know you tried to help me, but you couldn't. Nobody can. I can't trust anyone anymore. And it's a lost cause anyways.
Maybe this blog can help fill in the gaps of my story when I'm no longer here to do it.

For all of you who read my blog:
Thank you to those of who who emailed me. Who talked to me, and who offered advice.
Thank you for all the positive comments that brought my spirit/mood up, if only for a little while.
Thank you for listening to everything I've said.
Thank you for being there for me.
If I ever hurt you, or didn't support you when I should have, or if I ever did or said anything that offended you, I'm sorry.
I really, truly, am sorry. But I can't say that enough.

I wrote my first post here, on 6/24/12. And now it's 3/22/13. That's a little less than a year that I've been here, but it's meant a lot to me. A place to just write out my thoughts, and be me. I've met so many wonderful people here, only one of which I've gotten to know in real life. But distance doesn't matter. The people do.

So thank you.

I sit here and think. I think some more.

I analyze everything.

Question everything.

Then decide that it doesn't matter.

My dad. My grandma. My grandpa. M. S. All the people from my blog. My brother. My boyfriend. Especially him.

I know. It's impossible not to know. But it changes nothing.

I can only hope for the best, in things I cannot control. I can control what I do, but not what they think.

I only hope they can someday understand.

You say that things will get better.
To just give it time.

No matter how long I wait, things are only getting worse.
You're wrong.

"How can you understand me when I can't understand myself?"

At the same time, it's impossible to ever understand someone entirely. And therefore you'll never know the whole story.

I've started reading 13 Reasons Why. This is one of my favorite books, and at the moment, and for quite a while I imagine, I can identify with Hannah Baker.
With the way she sees things, thinks, and just everything.

"But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head."

A few days ago, I couldn't stop thinking. No matter what I was doing, I thought. Now, I can't think anything. Or if I do, it's entirely meaningless. My head is empty; quiet.

"When you try rescuing someone, and discover that they can't be reached, why would you ever throw that back in their face?"

Whenever someone makes a negative comment about me, I never refute it. I just let it go, but silently agree with them in my head.
Other than my blog, nobody ever really knows how low I can get. And I hope to keep it that way.

"That's why you did it. You wanted your world to collapse around you. You wanted everything to get as dark as possible."
This quote is perfect.

I don't know if I want someone to pull me out of this. I don't think I deserve it. I'm angry, and i'm hurting. I want to find someone who wants to fight for me. I want to throw out every excuse I have, try with everything I have to push that person away, but then have them still standing there in the end. Someone who truly means it when they say they're not walking away. Someone to find me and save me from myself.
But I keep telling myself that I don't want saving.

I guess even I don't know myself.
And I really don't want saving.
I just want to go.
That thought comforts me.
Knowing I won't be here much longer.
Knowing I can do something for myself.
and knowing that maybe... Finally... I might have a chance at happiness.
Whatever that is.

I'm just a ghost.
Wash, rinse, repeat.

I'm just a shell - not even a person.
And I don't care anymore..

I'm not sure how it's possible...
But I feel really suicidal.

My legs look like a war zone, and I can't stop self harming.
I can't stop eating, and though to most people I'm not eating a lot, it feels like it to me.

The only other time I've felt this suicidal was when I OD'd.
I really want to just fucking die.

I'm always suicidal. Like it's always at the back of my mind, and it's always in my thoughts. But in a somewhat passive way.
Not anymore.
It's here, it's overwhelming, and I don't know what to fight for anymore.

Lovely Bones

Ever tried convincing someone they're useful, helpful, loved, appreciated and that they mean something to you when you can't even convince yourself of that?
It's so difficult.
But there are about 2 people in my life I'd do anything for. Absolutely anything, and I'd find a way to do it. They mean the world to me. One of them is Lovely Bones. She's smart, beautiful, talented, kind, and she means the world to me. I may never have met her, but I guess that doesn't matter.
I only wish she could see how amazing she is, herself.

I wonder if people wish that about me too?

I turned in some of my Math homework, but I failed a Spanish speaking quiz. I used to be so good at that class, and now I suck.
At least it's a Friday.
I'll probably head to the library after school, and then ask for a ride home since I have no way to get there otherwise. Oh, did I mention I lost $40 last week? Yeah... The forty bucks that get me everywhere since I don't have a car/my license yet. Pretty awesome, right? So nobody knows that I don't have it anymore, and therefore I just have to bullshit my way through the rest of this month. Woo.

That's just an update. I wanted to tell the world how amazing Lovely Bones' is. I consider her one of my closest friends, and she understand everything and helps me so much. I don't know where I'd be without her.

I went in to talk to my counselor at school today, to see if she could talk some of my teachers into giving me a few extensions  Just so that I can actually get work done. I would do the minimum, but my perfectionist self won't let me. Anyways, she said she'd email my teachers, and see what she could do. I really hope it works. I shouldn't need this because I should be good enough to do it on my own, and I don't need to be treated like some special case. I need this.

While I was in there, she asked me about how I was doing. She knows about everything. Or almost everything. She knows about my anxiety, my depression/mood swings, and my ED. I don't want her to know. She can't know. My problems are not important, and I shouldn't let her know. I don't really want to go back, but she asked me to come back next Friday, just so she can check in and see how i'm doing. I told her about how I was focusing on everything else, but not my problems. I didn't want to focus on my problems. And she said that she was worried about me, because all of this will catch up with me sooner than I think. I kinda got a little happy at knowing she worried about me, because that means I'm getting somewhere. It means there's something wrong with me, but at the same time, I don't want her to worry. I don't want her to know about my ED, I don't want anyone to know. I want to be strong enough to do this on my own. I don't want to want help, or support. If that makes any sense.

I'm working on turning things in, getting things done, and trying to finish it all before spring break. If I don't, I'll never let myself live it down. You have no idea. If I don't finish this before Spring break (in a week), or at least the majority of it, all hell is going to break loose. On myself. I refuse to be weak.

I need to be strong.
But I guess even my idea of strong is fucked up.


"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." - Salvador Dali

Except I will.

Venting

I really need to just vent... so this post is going to be filled with a lot of anger, nonsense, and probably complaints.***

This week has been hell. I missed school on Monday, because I had severe cramps. My period is pretty irregular (more health problems), so I only get these cramps once in a while. But it was bad, and I felt like throwing up the whole day. My point is, I went home. No school for me.
I was back in school on Tuesday, but didn't actually manage to accomplish anything. It was basically a wasted day because I couldn't focus. I had a panic attack in school, cried for the first time in forever, and stressed out more.
I missed school yesterday. I also had a Practice ACT (which, for anyone who doesn't know, basically preps me for the real test. The ACT is basically what determines if I'm good enough and smart enough to get into college. The higher your score, the more colleges will accept you. It's also proven that the practice ACT improves your score on the actual ACT.) and I missed it. Go figure. Sometime in the night, the power went out, and my alarm clock reset, which also reset my alarm. So I didn't wake up till really late, and I missed all but one of my classes that day. (I only had 4 classes that day). So I just ditched the rest of the day and stayed home, cleaning my house, doing my laundry, and I managed to do a little bit of homework. Figures, right?
Today has been the worst day of this week so far. Teachers keep assigning projects, tests, and important things. So even more stress - yay! I woke up late today too, because my alarm once again decided to shut itself off, and therefore I missed my 2nd hour. I have 6 classes today, so only missing one, not too bad, right? Except that this morning, we were supposed to have an ACT strategy session. I could so use that, but again, I missed it. And I missed my first two classes. Ugh.
On top of that, I had to walk to school, because they are doing construction near my house (which started today, and I didn't know about it). My school is 5.7 miles away from my school. Which is why I missed my third hour, and my lunch. It was good exercise, but it pissed me off. What the hell?
Tomorrow wont be much better. I'm sill gonna be failing almost all of my classes, have a ridiculous amount of work to do, and no time to do it.
I have guard tonight from 5-9 and therefore no time to do anything. I guess I'll just keep going, pretend that I'm fine.
When in all reality, I'm not.

I need to stop cutting, I keep doing it too much, and I am running out of space to cut. I don't know anymore.
I want out of my life, out of my head, out of everything. I want out of my life.

The Eye of The Stom

I've been trying to kid myself for these past few weeks.
Saying that things are chaotic and busy, and stressful, and that's why I can't talk to Cimiron.
But in reality, I don't want to talk to him because I'm hurt.
I'm angry and I'm hurt, but I don't feel validated, so I say nothing, and keep it all inside.
I make excuses, avoid what I know, much favoring to look over it.
I pretend that everything is okay.

But it's not.
I knew long distance relationships were hard.
I may not have known what I was getting myself into, but I wanted to take the risk anyways.
And I can honestly say that I love him with all my heart, and that he means everything to me. But these long periods of time between talking to him make me anxious, hurt, and I don't like it at all.

Relationships are doomed to fail, if there is no communication.
And that's how it is right now.
It's not just my fault. It's his too.
And I'm not sure how to fix it.
I'm trying, but maybe not the right way. All I know, is that I see an end to my relationship soon, if we can't fix this. And I do mean SOON.

I can feel myself on the verge of a great emotional storm. But right now, I'm just numb. It's like I'm in the eye of the storm, and as much as I might wish it to, it can't always stay that way.
Eventually, I'll get to the outside, where all the chaos and mayhem is, and when I do...
Well - Wish me luck.

I'm also fasting, in a twisted attempt to shrink my stomach. I really hope it works.

Awkward days..

Soo... my dad gets home at about 8. Woo...

I missed an ACT prep exam today, as well as my first two classes since my alarm failed to go off for technical reasons. Then I decided to just skip school all together because what is the point of only going for 30 minutes? There isn't one.

My digestive system is all out of whack, and it's denying all the food I try to feed it. Seriously. Not that I'm complaining.

I have so much to do, so much to clean, and not enough time.
Oh, and I'm still fat.

That's pretty much my day.



Hope everyone is having a better day than I am (:

I think I've realized why I don't like this lady in my house.

She's been there for like a day, and she's bought so much food. Like she literally went grocery shopping, even though we had food at our house. And she's cleaning my house, too.
Now, normally that isn't bad, right?
But it makes me feel so guilty, that she thinks my house needs to be cleaned.

I hate letting people into my house, because I feel like they always judge how my dad and I live. Her son, who is 17 like me, said that he's shocked that our upstairs living room is basically a storage for my dad's tools. That's where my dad puts all of his tools for work, and it it just feels like that's normal. But I guess not.
I know that my house is different than other people's, and that it isn't really like a "home". I never bring my friends (what few I have) over, and I don't spend much time there myself. If I do spend time there, it's in my room. That's it.

The other day, they got home while I was smoking, and I felt like she knew, even though she never saw. When she mentioned that we were having dinner, I panicked a little, and some of my ED habits came out. She saw them, and I feel like she keeps staring at me, trying to find something that's not right. Ugh.

Anyways, she offered to take me to school this morning, and keeps trying to push food on me. I keep telling her that I'm not hungry, I don't want food.
I have to hide so much from her, and it's different. With my dad, he never really pays attention to me. He doesn't notice if I don't eat, or if I do something that is ED related. But this lady, I feel like she's trying to take the place of my mom. I don't need a mom, I have never needed a mom, and this lady is a joke if she thinks that she can act like one for me.

After my dad's second wife, I said fuck it. I wasn't going to let anyone act as a part of my family ever again. And that's what I feel like this lady is doing, and it irritates me. I think she knows about the weed, so I'm afraid she'll tell my dad. But whatever. I can deny it, right? And besides, it's not like she'll find any evidence. She kept looking at me, finding reasons to knock on my door. I was burning sage this morning, and I know that most people don't do that, but I felt like it was my room to do what I wanted.

I want this lady out. I want her out of my house, I want her out of my life, I don't like her, I don't like what she's trying to do, I don't like the threat she poses to me, and I don't trust her.
I have guard tonight and I get home late. I don't like that, because I feel like she could go into my room. I don't think she's that kind of person, and the only incriminating things she could find in my room would be my laxatives and my razor blade. Everything else is pretty well hidden. But just that thought.

What is wrong with me? When did I get so paranoid?
I'm never this bad.

I swear this lady who moved into my house is like a ninja...
She's a friend of my dad's. She divorced her husband, broke up with her other boyfriend, and needed somewhere to stay. So my dad told her she could stay here. And of course he didn't tell me until like 4 hours before she came. So I got no warning.

So earlier I was smoking weed, (I left school because I couldn't deal, came home and smoked a bowl) and she came home with her son, who's 17 like me. So I had to rush to hide it because she'd freak, and then ever since that, she's been watching me. Like I feel like she's staring at me.

She was watching me when I got loads of anxiety when she said we were having dinner together. I kinda freaked, and a few of my habits came out. Or at least she noticed I wasn't right. I feel like she's constantly staring at my body, like to see if there's something wrong with me. Like she senses Ana.
Earlier too, while I was cutting, she knocked on my door to ask me about the dogs. I can understand why she asked what she asked about my dogs, but her timing freaks me out a little bit.

And she's cleaning my house. Like seriously???
Who are you to come into my house and clean it because it's messy??!! It isn't her house, and she's making me feel like a fucking horrible person, like I constantly live in filth. Which I don't!! But I so could have done it. I hate when OTHER PEOPLE COME INTO MY HOUSE because they always think it's their house, and they're always trying to fix it like the way I live is problematic. Fuck them. It's my house, and if you don't like it, get out.

Besides, I don't trust this lady. I don't trust her at all. She's never done anything to give me a reason I shouldn't trust her, but something about her makes me not want to trust her. Could it just be my fear? Either way, I can't wait until my dad gets home. Then she'll be preoccupied and won't be focused on me and my food habits. I just want her to leave... But I guess she'll be here for a few months, so I guess I have to get used to it..

I feel so much shame and disgust right now.
At this lady staying in my house, at my life, at myself, at everything.
I want to get up and run away. Run as far as I can and not look back.

I didn't even finish my English Essay, though I've been working on it for 6 hours.
I didn't clean my room, though I faked cramps to get out of school.

I'd give anything to be anyone but me right now...

I wish someone could help me out of myself. Reach me, help me, save me.
But first you'd have to know where to find me...

Monday Madness

This whole "being alone" thing... With my dad out of state and everything being up to me... I like it.
I mean, sure I hate walking to the bus stop, because it's like 10 degrees outside. And on some level I hate getting up 50 times a night to let my dogs out. But I like it because then I'm up, and as Ana likes to say "You burn more calories awake, sleep is for the weak."
Needless to say I fell asleep around 1 am, and now it's 5 am and I'm up. On the bright side, it's given me plenty of time to take a shower and exercise!! (:

Feeling stressed about school because there are tests I need to take, work I need to turn in, and I didn't get to work on any of it. Stupid people moving into my house.
Now I get to try to do it all after school... ugh. I don't mean to complain, because it is my fault that none of it got done, but it's just stressful. And I'm so bloated, but that's because I'm hungry. When I get hungry enough, I start to get a little bloated. I don't know why, but I guess I don't mind. Hunger now, results later. Even if it means I'm bloated.
I wish I could keep this motivation all the time, but it's so spotty. Like I might be motivated today, but not tomorrow. Haha.
My dad gets back tomorrow. I think. Or sometime around there. Not sure how I feel about that, because then it'll be back to the routine of trying to hide all my habits. Not that they're that noticeable, but still. When my dad is around, it means food. And food makes me fat. I guess if I can deal with it, then I'll be stronger, eh?

I compete again this Saturday, so it's back to practice for me!! (In all honesty. I can't wait till the season is over...) just because it takes up so much of my time, and I feel like I'm constantly going somewhere and doing something. Keeping busy is good, because then I won't be tempted to eat, but I need my downtime to just breathe.

Surprisingly, I'm not in a bad mood this morning. I'm not in a good mood either, but I just want to kinda chill. I have the feeling of hunger in my stomach, and when I get to school, I'm getting coffee. I know it will have a lot of calories, but I need the pickmeup. I haven't had coffee in forever, and I could use a little caffeine. xD

And with that, I'm off to a long day of school and homework... xD Gotta love my Monday Madness.

Nothing New

I've started actively seeking out ways for me to self destruct.
I want to be as bad as I can be.
I still have some limits, but I think I like self destructing.
It's actually legit.

Last night I got so high, and it was nice. I didn't have to think, I didn't have to be sad, or over analyze. I could just be. Then woke up this morning, to find out a friend of my dad was going to stay here for a couple months, so I had to spend the whole day helping her unpack, which took away my day to do all my work and get caught up. And now I have so much anxiety that she's here and that I have to be extra careful now. I am paranoid about so many things related to her.
What if she finds my laxatives, or sees how much I don't eat?
What if she smells the weed? Cuz I know she'd tell my dad.
And I don't need to smoke, but it's nice. To not be able to think.
I hate this.

I hate her. I can't believe she wants to move in here and I didn't know because my dad is out of state working right now. Ugh. I just get so mad when people do things like this.
I guess I just have to tolerate it.

What's the point anymore?

I feel like I try so hard to be happy.
To smile, laugh, help everyone.
But then here, I'm always so negative.

I have this constant feeling of hatred and anger, and hurt inside of me. I know it's not good to hold on to it, but I feel like that's just my normal emotion. Things haven't been that good lately. Or maybe they have. Yesterday during my class, I had a panic attack and I ended up running out of class. Needless to say, I made an exit (without meaning to) and I didn't go back.
Every day, more and more work gets piled on me and I fall farther and farther behind. I'm trying to do the work and get caught up, but at the same time, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. My dad had to leave for work yesterday, out of state. So I know he'll be gone for at least 3 or 4 days, which means I can fast. He left me like $100 for food.... and I don't intend to barely touch any of it. The only thing I'm buying is diet soda. I have to do this.
I don't have guard Saturday, so I have Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to catch up on all the work. I have to do it. I can't go another week with all this work. (That's also what I said last week xD). I'm so sorry to everyone - for being so mopey.
There's a girl named Eve and she said in one of her posts, that there is no use talking about things that you can't change. Like emotionally. Why talk about your emotions when you can't change them? I wish I could be like that. I have this image in my head of who I want to be, but it's exactly who I'm not. I want to be strong. I want to be independent, where no matter how bad things get, people would never know. I want to be closed off, as in nobody knows me. Not really. I want to be that girl that you're friends with, and you know she's strong, she'd do anything for anyone, but you really don't know anything specific about her. Does that make any sense? That is how I picture strong - that is who I want to be. But I don't feel like I am. I had a friend, once, who told me one time that I need to stop trying to be the hero. I need to stop pretending that nothing bothers me, and that I'm superman. Like I can do anything, and I'm emotionally unreachable. She told me that I need to let people in, and let them help me. I got so happy over that comment. Just knowing that someone saw me that way, made me happy. Because that is who I want to be, so much. I guess maybe it's true that you don't see yourself as others see you. I know I sure as hell don't.

I don't feel validated, for anything I do. If I'm angry, then that's fine. I can be angry, it doesn't matter who I'm pissed at or what I'm pissed about. I know that i have a right to be angry. But if I'm sad, or upset, or depressed, or I want to cry, then I don't feel validated. If I need help, I feel like I'm weak. If I try to talk about anything with most people, I feel instant guilt. No matter what I'm talking about or what the other person says to reassure me, it's always instant guilt. If I ask someone to do something for me, I'm immediately going to wonder what I can do to make it up for them, because I'm making them go out of their way for me.
Money is a big thing for me. I'm so bad at accepting gifts, because I have always been taught that it's greedy in a way to want things. That if I want something, I have to earn it. If someone buys me something, I have to pay them back. I can think of plenty of examples which would cause that to be ingrained in me that way. Thanks to my family.  But on the flip side, I don't actually think they meant to do it. I don't think my dad meant to make me feel guilty every time I needed something from him. I don't think they meant to push their problems on me, as a young child. But they did. And I smiled and took it anyways.
I refuse to be anything less than strong. I refuse to need help, or to admit I need help. Deep down, I think that I never will be able to. I want to be strong.
My mom was an alcoholic when I was a child. I remember the flashing lights from the cop cars that were there to pick my brother and I up. I couldn't have been older than 7. So all the time before that, that's where this memory is. I remember one time, my brother and I were told to go to the police station, and to stay there. That my grandma would pick us up, that we would be safe. I remember my mom screaming and throwing things, my dad trying to protect us. My grandparents trying to get us away from danger. I remember when I was younger, but older at the same time, like 8 - 11, I would scream at my dad that I hated him. If we got into a bad fight, then he would threaten to place me in a foster home, or make me go live with my mom. It scared the living shit out of me back then, the thought of being forced to live with her. I remember the countless visits with Social Services, and the supervised visits with my mom. Eventually, after so many promises of "I'll quit for you" and "It will all be okay".... I stopped wanting to see my mom. I stopped caring. I shut my emotions off, and moved on. She was nobody to me. I remember that my dad used to count on me to clean the house, and do chores. Not chores that were over my age limit, but keeping the house clean, doing the dishes, feeding my brother and myself. Basically doing anything and everything that was possible for me, so that he wouldn't be stressed. In many ways, I grew up then. I wasn't a kid, I was much like an adult, or a house wife.
These are the memories I have of my childhood. To me, really none of it was traumatic. But at the same time, I get so angry thinking about it. That's the only major event in my life. So my emotional distance has to come from that. The sense of weakness vs. strength that I believe with every part of myself, had to come from that. It only makes sense.
I think that my life has been so filled with hatred and sorrow, that I find it almost impossible to find happiness. My dad lives in anger and hatred. Everything he feels, it's anger at the world, at not having money, at needing help. He gets mad at people for things they do. But I have never really seen him happy. The only time I would ever describe my dad as "happy" is when he was married to his 2nd wife. Before they got divorced. I'll admit, he has kinda gotten the shit end of the stick for the majority of his life, from what I can see. But I don't think he thinks he can be happy. That anger and sadness passes on to me, and I begin to feel that way too. I used to be happy, or maybe I was just really good at faking it. The only time that I really feel happy, is when I'm with Cimiron. But then when I'm on my own, all the thoughts of how stupid I am, how he's going to leave eventually because I'm a teenager and this is teenage love come back. I mean, I'm 17. Who has a love at 17 and actually marries them? He says he's not going to leave, but I can't believe that. I want it, but then again, right now I spend the majority of the year 2200 miles away from him.  If I end up going to college somewhere in NY and I get to spend more time with him, what's to say that we wont start falling out of love or fighting, or for some reason we won't have to end the relationship? Due to the fact that he's really the only person I can be happy with, or am happy with at the moment, what happens when he's gone?
I'm preparing myself for this. I have to. I don't want to feel the loss that I know will come eventually. I don't want to know that weakness. I used to have this mindset, that people were there to help you grow, and that they were all range of things. But I never got attached to them. I never go dependent upon them. Because to me, dependency means weakness. But as much as I'd love to deny it, I do depend on Cimiron, in a way. I love him so much, and I don't know what I'd do without him. I kinda want to change that, but at the same time, I don't. The last time I talked to him was exactly 7 days ago. I understand that part, because with my grandpa being in the hospital and all this crap with my family, it's been hell. But in another sense, I don't know. I could talk to him if I wanted. All it takes is a push of a button.
What's stopping me? I keep making excuses, saying that something is in the way, life is crazy, my family needs me, I have school to tend to first, etc. But I can't help but wonder if there might be another reason? Based on what I said, could it be that I am trying to distance myself from him? I decided a while ago that I was going to stop telling him about my ED, and that I wasn't going to involve him in that anymore. And that if he asked, I was going to outright deny that I ever had an eating disorder. I was going to be happy, and not let him see that part of me. Not that he's asked about it, or anything. It hasn't come up in conversation. Honestly, these long distances between talking to him, worry me. It would be so easy to blame life and school, but it's also true that if he wanted to talk to me, then he could just as easily pick up the phone and call me too. It doesn't have to be me that initiates it. I don't know. I want to blame myself for everything, but I know that if I do that, I'll never let it go. I still blame myself for a lot of the things that I've done in the past, and I still punish myself for them all. Some I might be okay with, but at the same time I never forgive myself for them. I never forget that it happened, or that I did it.
I guess it's true what they say. "You are your own worst enemy." Nobody else can expect me to be more perfect than I expect myself to be. But yet somehow it happens.
I guess the point of this is, I don't know how to be happy. All I know is his state of numbness, anger, hatred, and strength. If I lose any of that, then I lose myself. And I feel like I am all I have left. Acceptance is a difficult thing, and I can accept anyone for almost anything, but I can't accept myself for who I seem to be.

I feel like I've been gone for years, even though it's only been like 3 days.
And I also feel like I'm moving in slow motion.

My grandpa had a heart attack yesterday, and I spent the majority of my day in the hospital with him. They tried to use the balloon pump to help him out and unblock his arteries, but that failed. So they had to do emergency bypass surgery. It was like an 8 hour surgery and the waiting was hell.
The good new? He is okay. They were successful, and I hope it stays that way.

He means the world to me and I don't know what I'd do without him. <3

My eating disorder is so similar to my moms. I'm so shocked right now.

Competition!

I had a guard competition yesterday, and we got demoted from National Regional A to Regional A.
Basically, last season, we were in Regional A. But we scored too high, were too good, so they moved us up to National Regional A. Well, this season, while in National Regional A, we had been getting last place. Mostly because our coach doesn't know how to coach. She didn't have the show finished, and uniforms, and just things. She didn't have it done. So she demoted us. And last night, while we were competing, we got last place again. Haha how funny.
I thought we had a good show though, and that it went well, for the most part. Personally, it was the best show I've had all season.

I just wanted to write that out.
Otherwise, I a have nothing to say. Or I do, but I don't want to make this yet another post where I explain how my life sucks.
I bet to a lot of other people, my life is a fucking beast.
They'd give anything to live it.

I have an English essay that is due. It's been due. It's past due.
And I'm not even done writing it.
I still need to edit it, but it's hard for me to edit my own papers when I am so caught up in them.
Anybody good at English? (;
I'm kidding. Kinda.
I just want today to be over with.
Though so far it hasn't been that bad. Just kinda chill, which I'm cool with. (:

Anxiety

Well, today started out as a good day, and then my anxiety kicked in.
So many things I have anxiety about, yet they're all centered around the same thing.
I don't want to be in school today. Sure, it's Friday, but I still have a lot to do this weekend, so it doesn't feel like a Friday.
I hope I can just get through the day. That's all I want right now. Getting through the day without another breakdown. And I wouldn't mind some of the anxiety to go down either.
/=