Ramble 1

You'll have to excuse what may come out of my fingertips in this (or the next few) posts. I'm a bit... Mentally altered right now. But I need to write something out, so bear with me please?

Here goes nothing.
I wish I had a friend. Here, where I lived. But not just any friend. A friend I could talk to about my ED, but also be able to talk about fitness with.
That might be my next project. But I'm scared that if I start toning my body, I'll gain muscle and stop losing fat. Or that I'll get fat. It's a stupid situation.

That's the other thing. Fitness.
I run. I'm a runner. I love to run.
I have days where I'm healthy (though I only eat clean foods and most usually only feel safe with protein) and I have days where I'm very much Eating disordered. So I don't know which to stick to, or what to do. I wish I could talk to someone about that too.

I got new running shoes today. I didn't ask for them. I will defend my converse or slippers (that are being held together with duct tape) until the end of the earth. I wasn't going to ask. But they were bought for me anyways. Then I was made to feel bad for needing them. So stupid.
So basically, I get to keep my running shoes, at the cost of leisure. I could do that. So now that I have proper running shoes, I want to run. Well... Since Winter is fast approaching, it is getting darker sooner and sooner. Which cuts into my time to run since my dad doesn't feel safe letting me out after dark. But he's basically agreed that I could run in the mornings before school. So that means I'll be waking up at 4:45 tomorrow morning to go run in the freezing cold. What am I thinking? Calories. I can burn calories.
I also know that I'll be going for runs on my breaks between classes too. Which means I need to start eating, at least a little. So... I'll be eating eggs. Protein. They're low cal too. My food options are still very limited, but this is a start. Hopefully it'll help me lose more weight.
I'm so regretting dinner right now... Ugh.

Intake!

Today could have been worse in terms of my intake.
I had fasted all day until about 9pm (only having 200 cals of liquid) and then I ended up eating dinner. And then some.
So here you go.

Breakfast:
None.

Lunch:
16 oz gatorade (80)
2 otter pops (120)

Dinner:
Some chicken and vegetable thing (460)

However, along with the 460 cals from dinner, there were 26g of protein. So I mostly felt okay about that. Sort of.

I burned off probably about 150 of that. Which makes my net.... 510. It could be worse. Much much worse.

Back to not reporting my weight. I'm FAT. That's all you need to know.

Dance With The Devil

I weighed myself, dreading the number I knew I'd see. Yet, when I saw it I still reached for my blade.
Thinking pain, hate, destruction... I made 4 perfect little lines in my skin.
Loving the way it made me feel - in control, strong, yet hurt all at once.
Maybe subconsciously I needed a reason, because then I went to the kitchen for pizza, milk, and grahm crackers.
I wish the laxatives would kick in. I took 4, but to no avail. So I'll take 4 more.

Oh, the things I wish I could do to myself. But I have to be careful because I'm only a few months away from freedom. Wouldn't want to get caught now. (;
For now, I'll just dance with the devil.

Thanksgiving

I can't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time.
2 1/2 weeks from now is Thanksgiving. Last year I was fortunate enough to have the flu on both Thanksgiving and Christmas. But this year, I'm doubting I can use that as an excuse.
I hate holidays that involve a lot of food. It just feels like it's a doomsday that is looming ever closer and when I think about it I panic. When I don't think about it, I'm thinking of how much I have to restrict before then so that I won't entirely bomb my goal for November. 162. I try to plan what I'll eat because we usually don't vary food much. But all of it is high-cal food and I don't need it.

I guess for the next two weeks I'm going to restrict as much as I can and hope to lose as much weight as I can. A goal of 162 means I have to lose about 9 lbs. I don't know my exact weight but I know I am around 170 because I had to be a fatass and gain 2 - 3 lbs after I managed to get to 169.
Things have been less-than-ideal for me recently in terms of food. But I'll get back on track and get back into the swing of No Food November. Wish me luck. Xx

Just Another Failure

I had fasted perfectly today up until dinner. They wouldn't let me not eat, so I ate 1 piece (5 bites) of pizza to appease them.
I tried and tried to purge it. I purged until I saw spots in my vision and felt like I was gonna pass out. I was able to purge maybe 1 bite. I hate pizza.
So I took laxies instead, and I'm going to exercise tonight too. I really hope I see a lower number on the scale in the morning. It's been stuck at the same number for a few days now, and I hate it!
I need to lose weight. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will not eat.

I need to lose as much weight as I can before Thanksgiving. I get panicky just thinking about it, about all the food I'll be expected to eat. I haven't come up with a plan to get out of it yet, but I will. I won't let a stupid holiday affect my success.
I won't be a failure then like I was today.

Fuck The World

Fuck me. I wish I could burn in hell. Or someplace worse.
And fuck all the people who are never there for me either. I'm *always* there for everyone, but whenever I need someone it always seems to me that they're "busy" or have something else to do and just can't be there for me.
So whatever. I don't need anyone. Just me and Ana, and we're on the same side now.

No Food November

I'm fat, and disgusting.
I've destroyed most of my previous achievements and now I don't want to weigh myself.
I'm worthless. Every fat disgusting pound on my body proves it. My goal weight for November is 162 lbs. But I doubt I'll get there. I've wasted 9 days of November already.

This weekend is going to be a cleanse for me. I'm not going to let one crumb of food pass my lips. I'm worthless.
No Food November.
That's what this is going to be. A little bit ironic, right? That's what makes it perfect.
I'm going to stop eating and finally be skinny. I will reach 108 lbs. But I have to be good.
With Thanksgiving on the 28th, I'm so nervous. I am doubting my ability to reach my goal, but I know that I just need to focus on today. On what I can do today to work towards that goal.
I can starve perfectly.

Empty is strong.

Friday!

It's Friday!
This week feels like it's gone by fast, but not fast enough. There's 2 more weeks left before I have Thanksgiving break. I just have to keep going until then. I don't really have anything to do this weekend, so I'll be trying to take it easy. Y'know, sleeping, resting, and I'm just not going to stress myself out. Well, that's not working so well so far. But I'll have to see what I can do about that. (:
I just have to keep my eyes on what I want and I'll be okay. I can't lose sight of it. 2 weeks.
I don't really have any plans for this weekend, I'm just going to take some much needed "me" time.

Short and Sweet

My eating was shit today. I don't even want to get into it, but I deserve it. Punishment.
Here's what I ate:
3 sugar cookies (I don't want to know)
Funyuns (180)
Cheetos (140)
banana bread (200)
Gatorade (50)
Apple Juice (56)

So my total for the day is somewhere around 1000. I took 6 laxies though, so once I'm done and empty again, I will be starting a WATER fast for 4 days. I'm disappointed in myself for eating... but I also know why I did it. Punishment.

There are more than a few things I feel the need to punish myself for.
I couldn't even exercise that much today.

Disappointment after disappointment.
Tomorrow is a new day and all that bullshit, yes. But that does nothing for today.
I want to cut. A lot. I want to hurt myself in any and every way I can, because I am just that angry. I want to destroy myself.
Actually, I take that back. I crave destruction.


So there you have it. Short and Sweet.
I ate.
I failed.
Too bad I can't purge.
So now I must be punished.

Conversation

Last night as I was sitting on the couch listening to music, my grandmother informed me we'd be going somewhere to visit my aunt. I told her that I didn't want to go, and that I'd stay home. She refused. So I asked why.

Me: "Why do I have to go with you?"
Grandpa: "Because if I leave you here that won't be any food left when I return."
Me: "Whatever."

My grandpa does joke like that.... I know he does. I usually try not to take offense at things like that, but he has been making comments about my food way more often lately.
I was eating a cookie yesterday and he said "What? Are you going to eat all of my food?" I replied no, but he wouldn't let it go.
Him: "You're going to eat me out of house and home!" (as a joke)
Me: Death glare.

So I went with them last night. Then as we were coming back, here's what went down.
Grandma: "Are you going to be eating dinner with us?"
Me: "No. I'm not hungry."
Her: "Why not?
Me: "I'm just not hungry right now. If I get hungry later I'll eat."
Him: "She just doesn't want to eat so she can lose more weight."

Maybe I was being oversensitive, but that pissed me off. First he makes a comment about what I ate, and now he wants to make comments regarding my weight too? Hell no.

Then later...
Grandma: "Are you sure you don't want to eat anything before you go?"
Me: "No. I'm not hungry!"
Her: "You are going to eat before you leave."
Me: "No I'm not, and you can't make me."
Her: "Please?"
Me: "No!!! I'm not hungry. I'll eat later if I get hungry."
Her: "I'm worried about you.."
Me: "Why? I'm fine."
Her: "You don't eat, and you're losing a lot of weight."
Me: "Not even. I eat. I ate Cheetos earlier, and I ate a sugar cookie too. You saw that. How could you say I don't eat?"
Her: "Just... Are you okay?"
Me: "Yeah. Fine. Just leave me alone."

I don't understand. How could they think that I don't eat? Or actually, I don't eat much. But I always make sure to let them see me eat, so that I could avoid exactly this. Avoid her thinking that I'm fucked up. Even if I am, I don't want her to know about it.

I was pissed by this time, and I just wanted to be left alone. But of course that never happens. As soon as I got home, I went to my room and shut the door. I didn't even want to talk to anyone. But my dad and my roommate came in and wanted to talk. They looked at me, realized I was upset, and wanted to talk. I told them both very kindly that I didn't want to talk about it and that they just needed to leave me alone for a while. Which, they don't do. EVER. I understand that they care, but I don't want it. I just wanted to be left alone. So finally, after my dad kept pushing me to tell him what was wrong, I did. Then my roommate wanted to hug me, and I told her no. I shut the door and left.

I feel like everyone has a problem with the way I do things. I also feel like my family wants to make me and keep me fat. Why does it matter to them what I do or do not eat? It shouldn't. It's my body.

So, with all of the above being said... I am making it a point not to eat any food around my grandparents anymore. I will not eat their food, I won't eat food around them, and I won't accept food from them. I'm also making it a point to lose as much weight as possible to prove a point to them. Maybe it's stupid. In fact, I know that it is. But I'm going to do it anyways.


I don't know what I weigh, because I haven't weighed since the first. But I am going to starve properly until I weigh 159 lbs. That's about 10 lbs away, but you know what? I am going to do it. I can do it. I am in control. Nobody can stop me. I am strong.

Let It Pour

I know there are going to be people who bitch at me for this. Or tell me how incorrect my thinking is. But understand one thing - this is MY blog, and this is only my opinion. This is not a fact.

There's a girl I know. I won't mention her name, but I see her every day. She's thinner than anyone I've seen before, but I don't think she has an Eating Disorder. I catch myself watching her eat, wondering if she's Bulimic. I don't think so, but I can't help but entertain the thought. I find myself looking at her hands, for signs that she purges. When did this become the normal for me? The only good thing about knowing this girl, is that she is perfect thinspo and she knows it. She inspires me not to eat, and to hate myself more when I do. I don't mean that in an entirely bad way, because motivation is motivation, no matter where it comes from.

There's another girl I know, and I know that she is a self-harmer. At first glance, you wouldn't think so. But I guess that's a common thing - you can never tell what a person is going through at first glance. But I see her sometimes and I wish I could help, or that we could be friends because she would understand... something. I don't know what I am looking for understanding for, other than that I want it but don't know where to find it.

Depression is a big one these days. I used to think that I was depressed, but now I'm hesitant to even acknowledge it like that because it's so common. I don't feel like than can be a reason for anything I do anymore just because it's so common. I mean, other people are depressed, or have been depressed at one point in their lives, but they don't do what I do. So then what's my reason for doing it? I can't seem to translate that into words, and therefore I can't give an actual reason for doing it.

Anger is a big one for me. It affects my relationships and my general being. The one person that I would have thought could bypass my anger and frustration is my boy. But it's creating a wall between us and we're growing apart. He says that hew ants to know how I'm doing and how things are going for me. But whenever I open my mouth to tell him anything, several comments pop into my head that make me regret what I haven't even said yet and I end up keeping it all locked inside. I get angry that I have to think that way for everyone when I shouldn't have to. For every person  in my life, there is a list of things I can't tell them about, things I have to keep from them. It gets tiring a lot of the time, so I start shutting people out. I start not wanting to talk to them because it is stupid that I have to censor so much of what I say.
Oftentimes I also feel like my emotions are bigger than I am and then I don't know how to deal with them. I feel like they are too many to placed inside such a small person at one time. And after keeping everything in for so long, it has to come out eventually. So it does, in one way or another. Either on myself or on someone else. Usually myself though.
Ana told me that I didn't deserve my boy, that my being with him could never be a positive thing. She said that I was only going to hurt him with my negativity - and so far she hasn't been wrong. I am in fact losing him, and I've got no ideal how to stop it. Not that I deserve it. Also, to my boy - if you're reading this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the bullshit that I make you go through, and all of the drama that comes along with it. I'm sorry that I can't be the girlfriend that you deserve, and that I can't just be normal.

Food - something you "need" to survive. Well, most people do. I am not one of those people. I despise everything about food. The smell, the sight, the existence. I have no desire to eat, and very few things tempt me anymore. No matter what it is that I put in my mouth - be it food or liquid - I hate it. Eating is punishment to me. It has a negative connotation in my mind, but the problem to that is that I can't remember ever not thinking this way. I can't imagine ever liking food, or ever liking it in my future.
Food has and always will be a coping mechanism for my family. They equate emotions to food, for everything. Food food food food food. That's all I hear about when I'm around them. And, I guess with my eating habits (I don't think it's a disorder because look at me! No matter how much or how little I eat, I'm still a whale. So there can't be anything wrong with it, right?) I use food as wither a punishment or I equate it to emotions too. Though whereas my family usually eats more when they're emotional, I eat less.

Weight - Numbers. This is a touch subject. Especially for me. Recently my family has been commenting to me that I've lost a lot of weight, which is bullshit. Some people, like my dad and my brother, think that it looks good on me. Some, like my grandparents, think that I have a problem and need mental help. Whatever. I am tired of people trying to control how much, what, and when I eat. It's my body. It's my life. They have no right to comment on my weight or to try to force food on me. I usually avoid talking about weight/food  with everyone, except like one or two people. Which, as I've noticed, both of those people also have eating disorders. I prefer to just keep that side of it to myself, and not talk about it with anyone.
By numbers, I don't mean just weight though. I count everything. I count the number of breaths I take, the number of steps I take. I count sounds in the background, I count bites, I count taps. I count everything. I don't even have to do it consciously either. It just happens in the back of my head, all this counting. If I want a certain number, I can recall them because subconsciously I was counting it. Numbers are a large part of my life. But sometimes I don't mind it, because it's comforting to me to count. Patterns and numbers are somewhat of a home for me, and I know that sounds so weird, but whatever. What would my life be like if I didn't count?

This is what dictates my life. It dictates how much I eat, how much I exercise, school. My thoughts are always consumed with food, calories, or weight. As sad or shallow as you might think it is, welcome to the fucked up mind of me. Anorexic, Self-Harmer, Over-Achieving, NeverGoodEnough, Little bit crazy... Me.

Yours Truly,
J.

Watch Me Fall

I can't tell me from Ana anymore. I tear myself down. I destroy everything that makes me happy. I punish myself, and I don't know how to stop. Ana and I have blended together, so much so that I can't imagine a different future for myself.

I can see it now.
I won't let myself write an essay.
Because I know I can do well.
I won't pass my midterm.
Because I don't deserve it.
I won't graduate high school.
I won't go to college.
I won't chase my future.

Because it all has the possibility for success and I won't let myself succeed. I don't deserve it.

I am watching everything crumble beneath my feet, and yet I feel powerless to stop it.
Where will it end? Because it has to end somewhere.
I've started on a path long ago, and there is no turning back.
There is no stopping this.

Take Me Away.

I wish the darkness of sleep would grab me, and keep me hidden forever.

I hate that I can't ever say what I think, for fear of what others could do to me because of it. I hate that I can't ever be myself, because everyone is always wanting me to change.
Please. just leave me alone. I'm sorry for all that I've done to hurt you, but I hadn't intended to when I did. I'm sorry for all that I've placed on you, for every minute I wasted, for every promise that I've broken. I'm sorry for everything.

Shh.

I didn't say anything.

 

"Silence is the most powerful scream." - Anonymous

 

I have a midterm tomorrow. Which I will most likely fail, considering she said that my study guide sucked. I had all the information, but it just requires memorizing a lot of mathematical formulas, which I am so bad at. I can only hope and do the best I can, but I just feel kind of lethargic. Like no matter how much energy I put into school, I will always get the same result back. It will never be enough.

I can't wait for school to be over, so I can just breathe. I need a very long break, and a chance to have fun. I don't want to stress out like I have been. I just have to make it until December, and then things will start to get easier. The only problem with that is that it's 2 months away, and things are going to get a lot harder yet before they get better.

I'm so angry with myself. With the way I've let things become, with the situations I've put myself into, with the way I've let myself be. There is no excuse for it, and I'm sorry to anyone that has had to deal with me.

I deserve anything and everything that comes my way. And I have no right to say anything about it.

Shocker! Not.

Where did my control go? Where did my resolve go? Where did skinny me go?

The last 3 days have been so bad. So ridiculously bad... and I don't even want to think about them. But I have to. I deserve to.
So here's my intake for today...

Breakfast:
Coffee (100)
1/8 of a cookie (75)

Lunch:
Cereal (200)

Dinner
Chili (400)

Total: 775
Exercise: -200

Net: 575

So much higher than I'd like it to be, but I'm too emotionally disconnected to care. I'll take a bunch of laxies and hope for a better day tomorrow.
Although I doubt it...

White Wash Wall

As I lay on my bed, I stare at the blank white wall in front of me.
I don't know what I'm looking for. The radio plays in the background but I can't bring myself to focus enough to actually *hear* the music.
I fade in and out of consciousness, not aware of the time or what's happening. There are no thoughts inside of me, no noise, no existence. I just... Am.
If I DO have a thought, it's but one.
I'm sorry.
Two words I can't bring myself to say out loud, but they're locked up inside.
After a little while, the wall starts blurring in front of me and one single tear slips down my cheek. Still no thoughts come.
I don't want to make myself aware of anything that goes on around me - I wish I could just stay this way forever. Stay... Blank. Numb. Empty.

But I know I'll get up tomorrow morning, put on a smile, and go through the motions of my day. I'll laugh, smile, maybe talk to someone. But I won't actually say anything. I'll just be... Empty.
Then I'll head home, maybe thinking about what needs to get done. Laundry, homework, chores. All of equal importance... But none to be done.
Instead I know that I'll just return to my bed, and lay staring at the blank white wall that I've come to know so well.

Meh

Yesterday I spent pretty much the entire day with my family. Family = food, and I'm honestly too ashamed of what I ate to post it here.
I'm fasting today, and trying to undo as much damage as I can. I'm also supposed to be studying for my midterm that I have Tuesday. I'm honestly dreading it because I feel like 1 day isn't enough time to study - and thanks to my family I was busy yesterday.
I need to do well on this midterm, because it will determine my final grade in that class, and ultimately whether I pass or not. Nobody believes me when I tell them that it is *literally* a pass or fail kind of thing.
I'm pretty sure time and I are not friends. But I guess if I fail this class then I'll just have to figure something out, or else I won't graduate.

I need a break. From school, for like a week. But I've got a few weeks left in school before winter break. Which seems like forever... But I just have to do it.
Put in my all... And hope for the best.
I have to cram as much information into my head as possible and try not to look back. Wish me luck? Xx

Love Is A Strange Thing

My grandparents just got back from a month-long trip to visit cousins of mine.
They have only been back for about 4 hours, but the first thing she mentioned to me was school. She asked about the class I was dropping, and if I was disappointed. She wanted to know how school was going, and when I gave her short answers she said "I was talking to [my cousins] and we were talking about their school. They're excited about it. I miss when you used to let me in and talk to me about your life. I guess because I'm getting older, I have nothing to make it interesting to talk to me.."
*BAM!* Insta-guilt trip.

She always does this. She made me feel guilty for dropping my course. Like I wasn't smart enough to continue with it. She makes me feel guilty for the classes I AM taking, like I could be doing better.
I wish I could say I'm happy that they're back... But I feel like I have to put my walls up again - like I have to hide everything.
I have such a violent reaction whenever my grandma tries to talk to me about anything, I'm almost always rude. I do feel guilty for it, sometimes. But I seem unable to change it, or figure out why I do it.
I'm a bit nicer to my grandpa, but he's more like my dad. He stays out of most of my buisness and just lets me be.

Nevertheless, I love them both. I just wish I knew why things are the way they are.

Metabolic Spike...?

I've eaten 2 meals today. Like 2 full -ish meals because I've been with family all day. I'm not even gonna get into how disgusting that makes me feel.

Tomorrow is Sunday. A new week. A new start. A new day to starve. I will post my intakes, but no weight until either Tuesday or Wednesday.

I can't wait to be empty again. Strong. Pure. I can't wait to step on the scale and see a perfect number. 110. I WILL get there. Just watch. (;

Far Away For Far Too Long

I'm feeling really lonely and disconnected today. It's a beautiful day outside, though a little chilly.
But it just doesn't seem like I fit in outside. I just want to stay in and not do anything.
I have 647 songs on my ipod... And after putting my headphones in and pressing shuffle, the first song that came up was "Far Away" by Nickelback. This song makes me think of last summer. All of the memories come flooding back and it makes me laugh, smile, and feel a little more lonely all at once.
It also makes me feel guilty and sad and a whole whirlwind of emotions.

I know they say that when you're lonely you should go be with people who love and care about you. So I did. I'm with them now too, and will be for a lot of the day. But it doesn't really help, because they're close to each other and well... I'm not close to anyone.

Soon, that's what I have to keep telling myself. I'll be with him soon enough. But it doesn't ease the pang of loneliness that echoes in my heart.

Oh yeah!

I honestly can't remember what I did yesterday. Well, most of it. I don't remember what I ate, though I know it wasn't much.

I haven't weighed myself either. I feel like maybe yesterday and today haven't been good days, though it's only 10am here.

I had breakfast, and a big one at that. I'm scared to check the total cals I had, though I know what it is. I guess I will be walking it off, or something. I have to burn at least 400  cals. I'm not eating for the rest of the day anyways.

I'm not weighing myself either, because I'm a bit afraid to. I need to get back into the swing of things. Which I will start by doing 1 hour of interval walking, which I've figured out burns 253 cals. So basically, if I do that twice today, I should be good. But I don't feel good. I feel disgusting. I'm not empty.

I don't even know if this makes any sense, but whatever.
In other news.... I GOT MY TATTOO!!!!

I was so stoked. It didn't even hurt, except when he got close to my spine, because I don't have a lot of meat there. But even then, it wasn't that bad. So now I just have to treat it for about 2 weeks, and then I can just chill. I can't show anyone, not really. Because my family doesn't know that I got it.

I understand now why people say they're addictive.... Because they are! I'm already planning on ways to get my next one, but that requires getting a job first, and I'm not in any rush to get it either.

Now my family wants to go up to the mountains, and I'm not sure if I want to or can go with them. I have to start studying, and I have some stuff that I have to work on. Yay for school. It can be so tiring at times though. Anyways, that's all for now. I'll post intakes later, once I can remember what it is that I ate yesterday... So weird.

One Big FAILURE

I was doing SO well today. God, I was doing so well. My intake had been NOTHING, and I was strong.
Then I came home, and I was told that I had to join the family for dinner. *que panic attack*.
I am 1 lb away from my goal for October. Fuck me.
So.... I fucked it up. I ate a little pasta that had some type of sauce on it, and a little bit of a hamburger.
The damage?
500 cals.

500 mother fucking calories that I DID NOT NEED. I took laxies after, but I failed. I am so mad at myself right now. Unbelievably mad, because I was SO CLOSE and I fucked it up.

I'm honestly doubting that I'll see a good number on the scale tomorrow. The only good number is 1 lb down. Fuck, I'll probably gain.
I am so mad. Livid.
I walked a lot today, but I doubt I burned 500 cals. Probably more like 200.
So that puts my net at like 300.

I find it so funny that I resisted pizza, cake, cookies, chips, popcorn, soda, and everything..... Just to eat PASTA. Ugh.

So... Fuck it. I took the laxies, and now I'm going to bed. I guess all I can do is pray for a lower number tomorrow morning. I'm not hoping though, because I don't deserve it. Five-hundred calories of shit. None of it was even remotely healthy, and I shouldn't have eaten.

Leave it to me to fuck myself over. I ALWAYS do. Why? Because I'm worthless.
I do not deserve food. Food is earned.
I guess I can only wait for the numbers to tell me..

Happy Halloween, Everyone.

Not For Me!

In my classes today, being that it's Halloween, all I've done is party. There's been scary movies, tons of junk food, and crazy costumes.
We watched Hannibal Lector, and I can proudly say that I haven't eaten any junk food.
I'm so close to meeting my goal, and I can and will do it. I've been sitting next to cake, chips, cookes, desserts, popcorn, and so much shit for 2 hours. I have 1 more hour to go.
Empty is strong. I will succeed at this. I am strong.

Intake!

Here's my Intake for 10/30

Breakfast:
1 slice of banana bread = 200 cals**

Lunch:
Diet Dr. Pepper = 0 cals

Dinner:
Diet Dr. Pepper = 0 cals

Total Cals = 200
Exercise = -183
Net Cals = 17 cals

I'm sorry. I know I said that I would be fasting today. But after I took laxies this morning, I waited for them to work, and they didn't. They just made me feel more bloated. After I ate, they worked and I felt empty again.

It's now 7:30pm and I just got home. Which means I have 2 choices. I can take more laxies and wait until the morning to weigh, or I can weigh now and pray for the best. Or do both.
I'll probably do both, just because I can't handle not knowing. But I'll only post my weight tomorrow morning. Wish me luck? Xx

Reality Check?

November is right around the corner, and it's coming whether I want it to or not. There is no stopping, there is only powering through until I reach the end.

I got a reality check today, because everything that I've been trying to block out hit me today, and there is no more denying it. No matter how much I might want to.

There are 104 days until I turn 18.
There are 204 days until I graduate from High School.
There are 296 days until I go to college.
There are less than 30 days to get accepted into a college, which I haven't applied to yet.
There are less than 30 days to figure my future after high school out.

Where am I going to go to school?
Where am I going to live?
What am I going to go to college for? Where?
Where am I going to get a job at?
Will I even graduate High School?


Right now, everything about my future is up in the air. I used to think that I knew everything for certain. But now I just don't know anymore. So many things have changed, and so quickly too. I've barely had time to actually think about it and understand it. My future is a bit dependent on how the rest of this semester goes, because every moment affects the future. I can't just say that I'll figure it out when I get there, because I don't want to get there and then not have a backup plan if needed.

I don't do well with spontaneous decisions because I don't like not knowing how things are going to go. I don't like not having goals to work towards. I've been trying to feel like I haven't failed myself, but it's hard. It's hard not to feel like I'm letting people down, or giving up.

Today has been a reality check for me, but I'm not sure if it's a good one or not. It's just left me with a lot of anxiety, fear, and panic. I don't want to think about any of it, but I know I have to. I just wish I knew where to go from here.

YOLO anyone?

Today has been kind of long, but it feels like most days can't go fast enough. I don't know what I'm rushing towards, or what I'm running away from.

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose,
'cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused.

I don't know what's worth fighting for,
Or why I have to scream.
I don't know why I instigate,
and say what I don't mean.

I'm rushing towards something, because I want it to be the future. I want to have graduated, to have gotten into college, to know what I want to study, to be doing well, to graduate college, any many more. I want to figure out my niche in life, and I want it to be with someone I love. I want the future. What could be. But I want to run away from the future, from the possibility of failure. The possibility of uncertainty, of not planning. Of missing out on everything.

Ultimately I know that all of my decisions are my choice and whatever happens is my fault... But I'm scared of doing something I'll regret, because you don't usually get second chances. Not in life. Not in this life anyways.

I keep reminding myself to live in the moment, and sometimes I can. But most times I catch myself looking toward the future, or looking at the past. So far, I haven't done anything that I really regret doing, but that doesn't mean that I want something I regret doing. I understand the whole "learning from your mistakes" concept, and "live in the moment" but I just don't want to fuck everything up. Which I have a tendency of doing, if you haven't noticed.

I don't even know what my point is here. This is all just a bunch of bullshit, but it's at least a small part of the chaos inside of my head.

No Way!

I weighed in first thing this morning and I did not like what I saw. I am so so close and I don't have time to screw around if I want to meet my goal for October.
So the verdict? I gained .2 lbs. It's not much, but it's still a gain, and it's still not okay.
So here's my plan for today. I'm eating NOTHING. I'm water fasting and doing everything I can to lose weight during the day, and I'll re-weigh myself once I'm home again.

The way Octobers has gone, I never expected to meet my goal. I'm so so close though, and I'm determined to lose the weight and meet it.
I will not be defined by my current weight. I will lose it.

So... There you have it. My luck has ended, at least for now. We'll see what I can do about it today.

My Intake

My intake for the day actually managed to be lower than it was yesterday.

So here was my intake for 10/29

Breakfast:
1 banana = 90 cals

Wait for it.......

That's it. That is what I 've had up until now, as it is 6:30pm for me. So very perfect. I feel good. A little dizzy maybe, but so so good.

Then dinner came around. -____- I really hate dinner. They wanted to have burritos (which I don't have the exact cals for, which sucks!!)

My exercise total for the day is 183 cals. Which is NOTHING and I am so disappointed in myself for that. If you subtract the 90 cals I had in that stupid banana, I would have been negative 93 calories. Which isn't bad, if that were to be all I ate.

But I'm going to estimate this burrito (the burrito has eggs, cheese, sausage, and potatoes in it) around 350 - 400 calories. I only ate half of it... which makes my net calories for the day 107.

I guess I can live with that. I really hope to see a loss tomorrow, and to avoid binging for the rest of the night. I'm pretty happy with the way things are going, and I don't want them to change.

Everything Good Always Ends

I woke up this morning to another 2 lb loss. I was stoked, but eventually reality set in. What if it doesn't stay this weight? What if this is just temporary, or just a fluke?
What if this isn't real?

My intake has been low today too, which I am thankful for. But it's only 5pm here, so I've got about 5 more hours to go.

I've got a lot of homework to do, and I've got a 77%, an 80%, and a 65%. So technically, I'm far from the grades I need to be at. I seriously need to get my shit together. I need to start doing these things.
Maybe I'll be able to use homework as an excuse for not eating dinner tonight. I hope so, though with my dad that usually doesn't fly. He tries to make me eat as much as he can - I think he wants to keep me fat. Well fuck that, I'm gonna be skinny.

But I do have a lot of things to study for.
I have the end of the semester coming up, in less than 3 weeks and therefore I need to have all my assignments turned in. I've got 3 tests to take between now and the end of this week. It's crazy, and I have to do well on all of them. I've got some college essays to write, which is stupid because I'm not even thinking about college right now. I have so many other things on my mind. But thinking about it brings anxiety about my future and my relationships. That's a place I don't want to go.

There's a lot of pressure on me, and I just don't want it. I don't want to be the center of attention. I mean, I don't want to be noticed. I haven't told my dad yet about wanting to change college plans. I can't. Not after I heard the awe and the "I'm a proud parent" tone he got when talking about it. It's my choice, I know... But I've never heard him sound proud of me. I've never had him tell me he was proud of me, except maybe once. It's just... I don't want to make that go away. Yeah, I know it's stupid. Whatever.

Gotta Keep Going!

So I weighed myself this morning. I was a bit nervous because I felt bloated and I felt really disgusting, but I had to know.
I tend not to drink a lot of water, except when I force myself too - and usually it leads to bloating and being disgusting.

So I took a deep breath, stepped on the scale and looked down. The verdict? -2 lbs, again. I honestly don't know how I'm doing it, because I'm neither eating or exercising that much. Maybe that's the trick though it hasn't ever worked this way before. Either way, I'm not complaining.

So having lost the 4 lbs I have in the last week or so, I have 2.4 lbs left to lose to reach my goal for October. I have 3 days to do it. Think I can do it?
I sure hope so.

In other news, this morning as I was riding the bus to school, I did something quite stupid and embarrassing. At the time, I wanted to cry because I was embarrassed, but now I think it's kind of funny.
So as I was getting off the bus, there's a part of the sidewalk where the 2 squares meet. They weren't even, and I didn't realize how I had stepped until I had. I fell face planted and what do you know? There were about 4 or 5 other people waiting at that bus stop. They all saw it. The bus driver saw it. People on the bus saw it. People asked me if I was okay, and I told them I was and walked quickly away.
Long story short, I skinned my knees pretty badly and tore holes in both knees of my jeans. I had to call someone to bring me a pair of sweatpants that I could change into because I ripped my pants. And now, almost 3 hours later, I'm laughing with all of you who probably are too. xD
That's my exciting news for the day. At first I thought that today was going to be shitty, despite that I had lost 2 lbs. But actually, today isn't going too badly. I hope I don't jinx myself with that.

Yesterday I spoke too soon when I said I had no homework. Turns out that in 1 week I have a midterm type thing for a class. I only found out yesterday, so I've got a lot of studying to do. Especially since I am dropping that class after this semester, that means that whatever grade I end this semester with, will be my final grade for that class. Guess I better start trying harder. Aaaannnd....... It's back to studying!

Food and exercise are going well for me right now, as you can see. Even today, though it's only 11am, I'm doing well. I don't want to speak too soon though, so I'll post my intake later tonight.
Now it's off to eat something for breakfast, and head to my last class of the day (though it's about 3 hours long). Sometimes, I wonder what the point of school is. But most days, because I like what I'm studying, it goes quickly. I still can't wait to graduate, or to be 18 though! xD

Intake!

My intake today was great!
When I weighed this morning I had lost 2 lbs, and I did well today too.

Breakfast:
1/3 of a Mini-Cinni Cinnimon roll = 80 cals

Lunch:
Cherry Pepsi = 160

Dinner:
1/2 of a Hug juice drink = 50 cals?

Total: 290 calories

Exercise:
45 mins of walking = 300 cals
Dormant Exercise = 50 cals

Net: -60 cals

So in reality, I really hope to see another loss tomorrow. Walking felt great, as did the low intake. I took about 6 laxies earlier though because I got anxiety about my breakfast this morning... Even though it was only 80 cals.

I'm gonna be heading to bed soon, so that I can skip the actual family dinner. We're having chicken (in some type of sauce) and noodles. All calories in which I don't need.
I'm strong on 300 calories, but I would probably be better on 200. Empty is strong.

Monday's Aren't All Bad!

Despite the food I ate yesterday, and my lack of exercise, I've lost 2 lbs since yesterday. I'm hesitant to get excited about it because I don't know if it'll stay, but I was stoked!

School isn't going too badly either. I've caught up on most of my assignments, and right now I don't think I have too much to study for. Come December/January though, that's when the studying begins. Finals, tests, colleges, all of it. So I'm going to enjoy my relaxing time while I can. ^_^

It's getting colder here, and I love it! Hoodies, layers, cold crisp mornings, being dark. I get up at 5:30 in the morning most days, and it's dark. It doesn't acually start getting lighter until about 8:30am. There's something about darkness that is calming to me, and I love it. Winter really is the best season!
Now I'm off to do some more exercise and study for a bit.

The Power of Persuasion

I had intended to fast today, and I was doing so well. But my aunt and her friend wanted to go to the mountains, so I agreed. I hadn't know that there was food involved.
So... I had 3 bites of a rib, 1 bite of baked beans, 1 piece of white bread, 4 bites of chicken, Dr. Pepper, Coke, and 270 cals of popcorn. So... I'd estimate my final intake to be around 800. I took about 4 laxies after all of that though, so hopefully it won't make me gain too much.
In terms of exercise, I haven't done a lot today. /: I walked a little bit - but it probably didn't even burn 100 cals. I feel disgusting, and I wish I could purge.
But I'll just work it off tonight instead of sleeping - punishment for eating food I didn't deserve.

I weighed myself after I got home, despite the fact that I had eaten. I had to know - to know that my weight would be lower than what it was today.

There are 4 days left in October, and I haven't met my goal. So that means I have roughly 12 lbs to lose next month - no fuck ups allowed.
I just have to remember my motivation. I just have to keep my eyes on the prize. The prize being that I will be skinny, beautiful, and strong. ^_^
I'll start posting my weights on the 1st of November. I think. I'm not sure if I want to - for stupid reasons. But it isn't like anyone reads this - and it is for me.

With the weather getting colder, oppertunity to exercise gets smaller and smaller. Which I hate. But I'll get used to it.

Sometimes I hate that my weight controls my life - but sometimes I also love the feeling of power and control that I have. Strength.
"If it were easy, everyone would do it."
Just have to remember it.

I've also made a deal with myself. I won't persue my dreams for after my graduation until I weigh 110 lbs. 110 skinny, beautiful pounds. That should also be more motivation - how much do I want it?

I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. Wish me luck? I'm definitely going to need it. Xxx

Happiness

When you least expect it to.
I had a good time last night, I'll admit. The Halloween party was pretty chill, but the people there were pretty cool.
I had french fries though, and a bit of alcohol. So 240 + 400? I guessed on the alcohol because I couldn't find exact nutritional information. It's killing me though. Ugh.

But today is a new day and I have to start fresh. I'm still fat. I still feel like giving up hope. Giving in. But I can't.

So my plan for today is - no food. I'm going for a run later, and taking laxies. I will not be this way forever. I just won't.
So let's do this! (:

I'm sorry..

I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have gone anywhere. I bother everyone.
I take up space that I am undeserving of having in the first place.
I don't know what's happening tonight and it doesn't really matter. I'm a waste of space anyways.
I wish I could fold in on myself until I just disappear.
I don't know what to do anymore.

...

I feel disconnected from everyone and everything.
I'm supposed to go to a Halloween party tonight but I'm not sure I want to go. I've got a ton of anxiety about it. I don't want anyone to look at me... Because I'm fat.
I am trying hard not to feel resentment towards a friend of mine for what she is - because I know her as a person and she's awesome! So I shouldn't let trivial things get to me.
Easier said than done.

I'm trying to have better days, but it doesn't feel like I am. It feels like I'm just covering everything up, changing nothing.

I didn't post yesterdays intake, officially anyways. Let me just say - it sucked. It was rediculous. It was punishment.
But today is a new day.

I don't even know if I want to try anymore. It feels like I just want to shut down. Stop thinking. Stop caring. Stop trying. Do nothing. Why not?
I'm not sure how to fight anymore. But I keep wishing, keep hoping. Natural instinct, I guess.
But I want to disappear... Forever. From everyone.

I wish today was over.
I went up to my mom's... Because she wanted to hang out. I thought it'd be cool.
Fuck no. We went driving and she yelled at me and was freaking out. She made comments about my weight, she told me I broke her car and legit blamed me for it. I tried to just brush it off, but it's hard. It was like pressure building and finally I just let the tears flow because I couldn't hold them back anymore. I was *pissed*...

It just hasn't been a good day here.

Maybe I shouldn't do anything this weekend. Maybe I should just go back home before it's too late.

I'm tired of people lying to me, too. I mean is it really that hard to be honest? It pisses me off because I try my hardest to be honest with everyone and I feel like therefore people should be honest with me.

But whatever. Fuck everyone. Don't talk to me, don't look at me. Just leave me the fuck alone.

As Always.

I feel so uncomfortable in my skin today..
To put it lightly.
I just want to hide.
I want to wear baggy clothes and lay in bed all day and not go anywhere. I don't want to talk to anyone, or breathe. I don't want to be.
I weighed myself last night, and it was bad. *cue breakdown* I don't think I'll be able to post it here on Monday... That's not enough time to get it down.
So as a result of weighing myself because of my anxiety, I had a mini - binge. I know I was doing so well yesterday, but I deserved it.
Food is a punishment to me. Sort of.

So today, despite my plan, I'm not eating anything. I don't deserve it.

I was gone for almost an entire week with my aunt - I didn't want to be home. Now this weekend I'm supposed to get my tattoo, and another friend of mine wants to hang out for Halloween.
I'm nervous for both. I don't think I should be seen by anyone. Not until I'm skinny.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I had a discussion about my ED. He wanted to understand, but I was unsure how to make him understand. Is it even possible to understand?
I know he doesn't think that I have an ED. I mean, look at me. Look at my lifestyle. Do I seem disordered? Do I seem like there's anything wrong?
No. He must think I'm such a liar.
I know that ED's aren't about weight, and that they're mental. But I need to see it before I can believe it.

Remember K? Probably not. But I told her once, right before she stopped being friends with me. Now, I can't even look at her without feeling like I have something to prove - just as I do with my boyfriend.
It's stupid, but it is how it is, I guess. I don't think it will change.
Whatever. I'm done. I don't want to play head games anymore. It's time to slink back into bed and hide from the world.

Day 1?

It was a success!
I stayed below 500 and I can honestly say I'm happy with what I had today.
Here's my intake for today.

Breakfast:
1 cup of coffee
Calories: 250

Lunch:
1 can of Dr. Pepper
Calories: 150

Dinner:
Nothing.

Total: 400 calories
Exercise: - 100 calories
Net: 300 calories

So, for having a goal of 500 for the day and ending at 300, I'm pretty happy!
If I keep to my low cals, I *have* to see a loss on the scale by Monday.

I am strong. I am in control.
Empty is pure. Empty is strong. <3

It's On and Crackin'!

It's 12am exactly here.
A new day, a new start.

Today is 500. That's my goal, anyways.
Empty is strong.
And I'm tired of letting myself down.
I'm tired of stepping on my scale day after day to get a number I don't like.

I will do this. I am strong. I am in control. Ana is my friend.

This week has really gone by fast, for me. I don't feel like it should be Thursday. I feel like it should still be the beginning of the week. But I guess it's good that it's the weekend, almost. Today is my last full day in school, because Friday's are really easy for me. I don't have school. But I don't have anything else to do either.
Last week I was supposed to get a tattoo, but there was a change in plans. Well, now, almost a week later, I still want that tattoo. Hopefully I will be able to get it this weekend. I'm excited. And terrified. It's going to say "Just keep swimmin'" across the back of my neck. It's a tattoo I've wanted for a while, and a prelude to my 18th birthday tattoo. That's the one I'm *really* excited for. But I can't get that one until I'm 18. Soon enough!

I also have a later start than any other day, so I'm somewhat happy for that.

Today will not be a failure.
Success starts with believing. I will succeed. I will succeed.
Empty is strong. Empty is pure.

So here I go!

Fallback Plan

I need a plan. Something to follow that I can use as a fallback, something secure that I can still lose weight on.
I've thought about it a lot. I just hope that I can do it.
So here's my plan? Don't like it? Deal with it.
I also know that tomorrow is Thursday, so I'll be starting on an odd date.

Sunday: Liquid fasting. Period.
Monday: 400 calories
Tuesday: 300 calories
Wednesday: 400 calories
Thursday: 500 calories
Friday 800 calories
Saturday: 600 calories

In terms of exercise, I will go for one 20 minute walk a day between my schools, one 30 minute walk after school, and I'll go for runs as much as possible. I chose Friday and Saturday as my highest days calorie-wise because they're usually when I don't have much to keep me preoccupied and also when I'm most likely to get forced into a family dinner.

I'm also going to record what I eat, so as to discourage me from binging and hopefully keep me on track.
I'm not sure about tracking my weight and whatnot during this, but I guess I'll figure that out as I go. I'm recording my starting weight (for this challenge) on Monday. Until then, I shall follow the plan (and may modify it as I go) to try to lose as much weight as I can by Monday. I haven't stepped on the scale in about 2 days. It's killing me, but I am terrified of it. It gives me a lot of anxiety.

I really hope this works. It should allow me a bit more freedom in what I eat while I'm stressing about school (so I don't have to stress about food too) but it is also low enough in calories that I don't feel too much anxiety about it. For about a few weeks now (for the most part) I've been keeping my calorie intake at about 300 or less on good days. 600 on rough days. Not the best, but I still don't want to weigh myself.

So I start tomorrow. Wish me luck - I'm gonna need it.

I'm Throwing My Hands In The Air

There's no point in fighting
When you don't know what you're fighting for.
I'm fighting a losing battle, and I can't seem to fight anymore. I don't give a flying fuck about my health or my general wellbeing. I don't care about safety, what's 'wrong' or 'right' or who I hurt in the process. I will take myself down. Destroy myself.
In the worst ways I know how.

Fuck It.

You are disgusting. You are irresponsible and you never think ahead to anything. You don't try hard enough, but even if you did it would never be enough.
What do you think everyone is saying about you? Freak. Bitch. Ugly. Worthless. Emo.
You know it's all true too. You are stupid.
You suck. You're never going to make anything of your life because you don't do anything that's worthwhile. You're just a waste of space.


Ana is loud in my head today. But I'm joining in with Ana, too. Beating myself down. Destroying myself.
I hate myself so much..

Relaxing Sunday!!

I've barely been home all weekend. I stop by there to drop things off or grab some things, but I haven't actually been there.

I've been sick - so that's part of it. I don't want to get my dad and my roommates sick and therefore don't want to be at home. But it feels crazy to say that.

I am feeling better, other than a stuffy nose and a rediculous cough. But I can deal with those!
I don't know what I want to do today. There's a Law & Order: SVU marathon on today, and I'm stoked. I'm so obsessed with that show.... And I'm carving pumpkins today too! I haven't done that in so long... I'll post a picture of how it turns out.

Otherwise there's really nothing much going on today - still relaxing. And I've got homework to do, but not too much.

So there you have it! My boring, uneventful day. xD

Everywhere.

I'm so fat.
I can't stand it.
Things keep happening that prove that I am as fat as I think I am, and I just can't take it anymore.
I want to cut. A lot. I want to starve, to hurt. I hate myself with so much anger and hate that I don't want to pretend anymore. I don't want to pretend to be okay while I die slowly inside. I don't want to wear a mask anymore and lie to everyone around me.
I won't LET anyone be around me. I'm a monster now. I hurt those around me.

I'm So Sick...

I feel like dying at the moment. I'm so sick, and I can't manage to do anything except lay around or sleep.
People frustrate me when I'm sick, and I just want to be alone.
I supposed to have plans this weekend, but I'm feeling so absolutely shitty that I don't feel like going anywhere.

The only plus side to being sick is that I don't have an appetite. We went out to dinner and I drank some soda but didn't eat anything. I wasn't even tempted because I'm not hungry.

I'm enjoying my weekend for the most part. On Sunday I have homework to do, but I hope by then I'm feeling better.

No weight to report - I'm so bloated and I feel disgusting so I've not weighed myself for a few days now. At least because I know I'm fasting, I know that I can't gain weight.

That's all my head is filled with these days... And I'm sorry. To everyone who has to listen to me talk about it. Weight. Food. Fasting. Calories. Fat. Exercise.
I feel like that's all I'm capable of right now.

I'm Sick.

I just got sick today, and it sucks. I've got most of the symptoms of a cold (coughing, fever, stuffy nose) but it's like worse than that almost. I've been taking ibuprofen and trying to get better.

Yesterday was a crazy day.. Like... honestly.
My ride to school broke down, I left my bus pass at home, I cuddled in pee from my aunts girlfriends sister who was drunk, I missed school, I helped ruin a couch, I learned how to drive, I did doughnuts in the parking lot, I almost got hit by a car, etc. It was just crazy.

But the good parts of that are that I got to learn how to drive more, I learned that I get to get a tattoo (^________^) I got to tow a car, and I had fun.

As for the tattoo, yes! I'm going to get it tomorrow. I'll have to post a picture here when I get it done, because I'm working on it. I still have to design it. I'm super nervous about getting it though, for several reasons. But right now, I seriously have to get some shut eye for school in the morning. I dislike school..... But at least it's Friday!!

Really? Now?

Go figure. The one night I have off that I actually try to get some sleep.... I can't sleep.
Seriously?! What bad karma is this? What did I do?!
Ugh, It's 2am, and I don't have to be away until 7. That's some bullshit that I can't sleep! /:

Is Anyone Still Out There?

I don't even know where to start. I guess I owe anyone still reading this a proper update.

School: Currently I am not doing too well, or at least I wasn't. I kind of pushed school out of the picture. I had a research proposal due in one of my classes. I wrote it, and then it got deleted. I was willing to pay someone to write it for me, because it was literally the difference between passing and failing that class - but both of the people I asked backed out. So I came to the conclusion that it would be better if I dropped out of school instead of not graduating with my class. But I talked to some people and we figured out that I'm dropping that class at the end of the semester (so at the end of December). Knowing that, and knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about the paper, took a huge load off my shoulders. Instead of that class next semester, I'll have about 6 classes to finish getting all the credits I need to graduate. I'm not worried though, I know I can do that. Otherwise, I've just been trying to keep up on school and do the best I can.

Food: Has been shitty. I have absolutely nothing redeeming to say about it. I've not lost any weight since the beginning of October, and it's fucking horrible. But I'm changing that. Now. Today was a really good restricting day - and I hope that I can keep it up. I was going to do the Skinny Girl Diet with a friend, but it doesn't feel like a good time to do it right now. I'll do that for November, even with Thanksgiving. I will not plateau any longer.

Everything else: Is chaotic. I have SAT and ACT's to study for, which I take both of them in January. I have colleges to apply to on Friday, which has me stressing out. Since I decided to drop the other class I was taking, I don't know what I want to study in Uni anymore. So as a result, I no longer have any idea where I want to apply to school. Ugh.

But I'm thinking of going to a community college first, to get my basics out of the way, and then taking a few classes that I'm interested in to hopefully find something I want to do for the rest of my life. The only problem? My all or nothing view. I pinned everything I had on Forensic Science, and now that I'm not taking it anymore, I don't know what interests me. I don't know where to apply to, or what to go to college for. That has got me in a sort of panic, but I guess I just have to take it one day at a time and breathe. I can do this. I will make something of my life.

My boyfriend is starting to doubt that I will be able to stay with him in the future, and to be honest, I don't know if I can guarantee that it will happen either. I don't want to stay tied down to one place, but I am happy with him. I guess I just have to see how it works out - and trust that it will all work out go with it.

That's pretty much all that's been up with me, other than trying to stay afloat. To not get lost in the large sea of life. I know I told people that I took this down... but now that it's back up, I guess nobody wants to read it. Or it doesn't seem like it anyways. I will admit, I miss people reading my blog - I miss all the amazing people I had met because of it. But there isn't much I can do about that, other than just be. Oh well. (:

Nonsense

I couldn't be farther from my goal for October than when I started. It's October 13th and I've made zero progress toward my goal.
When I'm around someone who is skinnier than me, or someone with the same ED as me - things go really well. I feel strong and in control. But when I'm on my own, things change. I become more destructive towards myself in a reckless way.

I wish I had an Ana friend here. I mean, someone I could talk to physically. Because sometimes that's just what you need.
I have to make my goal. I have to. Failure is not an option in this, but I also know that my all or nothing attitude just pushes me downward. Something has got to give.
Either I figure my shit out and start losing this weight, or my ED is going to kill me. Now, don't mistake that as a death threat - because it isn't.
I just feel lost. I don't know where to go or what to do. I need something to change, but I don't know what to change or what I even WANT to change. I only know that things absolutely CANNOT stay this way. They just can't.

Just Another Fuck Up

Food is my enemy.
It always will be - I can not imagine ever not hating it.
I started the Skinny Girl Diet today with a friend, mostly because it's basically restricting. Today was 400 and I totally fucked it up because my dad and S wanted to go to dinner. I ate as little as I can... But the damage is done.
The aftershock? That's only just beginning.
I could do so much to myself right now with the thoughts running through my head.
Anger. Because why the fuck should they be able to control what I eat?
Fear. Because I don't want to be fat and because I don't know the exact amount of calories I had today.
Shame. Because I fucked up. I always fuck up.
Hatred. For not being able to control my life, and everything else.
Disgust. Because I look fucking pregnant because I'm so fat. I hide under hoodies and stuff so other people can't see me. But that doesn't change the fact that *I* see me. I know how fat I am. How worthless.
I'm disgusting and I hate it. I hate me.

When Do You Say When?

How much can one person take?
When is it finally okay to say "enough"?
To back out?
When is the breaking point?
The point where everything just... Stops?
All the pain, the hatred, everything.
When?

I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

All I seem to have time for is workworkwork. Schoolwork, chores, helping my roommate out ( I have a part time job with her), etc. I don't have any time to breathe, to sleep, to hang out. I just don't.
One of my friends wants to hang out, and has been asking to hang out for the last week and a half. But I'm just like sorry! I don't have time - and it makes me feel like an asshole.
I can't help it though. I wish I had time. I need this school year to be over, but I don't want it to at the same time. I don't think it will slow down either, because this is my final year to do it all. I don't really mind, but it's hard to make other people understand. Unless you've been in this situation it's hard to understand.

^ whatever. I don't even know if that makes sense, but you know! I'm me. (:

I Don't Know

Words are nothing.
Actions speak louder than words, but are they true?
I don't know who I can trust anymore, if anyone. I don't feel like I have the capacity to be close to anyone. Like I can stay there and be comfortable. I don't know what's true and what's lies - so what is trust?
I hate it sometimes how I am. How I feel guilty for existing. I shouldn't have to - but I do. I don't know how to feel any other way...

I feel a bit lost now.

The last thing I wrote about here was the fact that I was going to drop my class at WT. Which I am.
I've also been thinking a lot. Does the fact that I'm dropping Forensics mean that I don't even want to do that anymore? What about college?
Then I got to thinking... If I can't do that, what then, interests me? What will I do? I honestly don't know.
I had pinned my *entire* future on Forensics. Like literally. Everything. I gave myself no other options, no other choices. That was it - and now I feel kind of lost.
Where do I go from here?
Everyone says that it's fine not to know - but I hate that. I get anxiety not knowing what I'm doing and how things are gonna be. Not being able to plan the future. I hate it.
How do you begin to find what you like to do? I mean, I don't really have anything that comes to mind - nor a lot of time to figure it out.
Psychology was *maybe* the other option I had, but I don't know about that one either. I don't think I could do it.
I wish I knew, really. I need to figure it out. Now.

I Can Breathe Again

I talked to a counselor at school, and one at WT too. They both have compromised with me that at the end of the semester I can drop my class there. I can't before then, so I've got to wait until December. Then, for 2nd semester, I will take roughly 6 classes at my school - only that is something I *can* do. So I'm happy.
He also told me that even if I failed this semester that I would still be able to graduate. Which takes a *huge* load off of my shoulders.
Although I will say, knowing that I am going to get out of that class at the end of the semester makes me less stressed because I don't feel like I have to write the research paper, do the science fair project, or do the other science competition. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Probably bad. But it's taken a lot off of my shoulders, and I can breathe again. Just knowing that this won't completely destroy me.

Otherwise, today has been a really good day. (: I have homework to do tonight, but I also have a late start tomorrow so I will hopefully be able to get some sleep tonight. I plan on cleanung my room, relocating some stuff, and just breathing for a little bit. I need some time to myself.
I'm stoked that there is only 2 more days of the week left and then the WEEKEND!!! I don't know what I'm gonna do or why I'm excited, but I am. It feels like this week has gone by kinda fast. There's been down points, but I'm going to try to keep looking forward. Tomorrow is a new day.

I can't....

I wish I was dead.

On The Outside Looking In

Right now I'm sitting in a car with my dad and my two roommates.
They're joking about memories with my brother when he was a little kid. All the things he did.
My dad is joking about memories from when he was a kid. They're all laughing.
I just feel on the outside of it all.
Yes, I know it's my fault that I'm outside of it all instead of joining in. But I just don't feel like I'm a part of my family.

They're happy, carefree and laughing. Who would I be to ruin that?
I can't. I won't let my darkness touch them.

I've never known my dad as a kid. He's never shared memories with me, or mentioned his childhood. My grandparents talk about it, sometimes. But he never does. So I guess it makes me a little mad to know that she can unlock the happiness in him but I only bring out the anger and the hatred.
Who is the man I know as my dad? I mean, really?

I Want Out.

I don't want to talk to anyone today. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to live. I don't want to exist.
I have homework to do, and a lot of it. But I don't want to do any of it. People want to hang out, they want me to be social. I don't want to.
I'm tired of fighting everything. My weight. I'm tired of going in circles.
I'm tired of needing people, when it feels like nobody is there. I'm tired of not being able to relax, or breathe, or be okay.
Everything anyone says to me is taken in a bad way. I hate this.
I hate myself.

Just Keep Swimmin'!

Fat. Fatfatfat.
That's all I see anymore.
I fasted today, after taking laxies. I weighed myself and it was no lower than it was before. Ugh. So I took more laxies and I hope for a loss tomorrow... I NEED one.
No food for me. I WILL reach my goal for October.
I got a new hoodie today, and it was awesome. It's soft on the inside and it's big. Comfy. It hides me, which is all that matters.
I'm happy. For the most part. I guess we'll see how long it lasts.
I'm pushing all the hurt and all the worry away for a little. At least a day. I need a break.
Just Keep Swimmin', I guess. (:

Things Aren't Always What They Seem

I was fasting so well yesterday. I thought I might have been able to actually lose some weight.
But then my roommate told me my dad was home and that we were all going out to dinner. I tried to eat as little as I could, but I probably ended around 1500. No joke. I cried when I got home.
I also took 12 laxatives, so I know where I'll be today.
This morning, I woke up at 6 instead of 5:30 because I thought my dad was going to drop me off at the bus stop - it takes roughly 15 minutes to walk there. But he didn't wake up and I have a thing about waking other people up, especially when I need something. I tried, and I got a panic attack.
So I missed school today because I only had 2 hours of school and there is no point in going so far to only be there for 30 minutes.
But that means that I'll get a phone call with my grandma near tears because I'm "ruining my potential" and she "just wants me to do well" and "doesn't know what's going on with me"...
I mean, my grades aren't bad. I've got a B and a C, I think. My forensics class is only an F because of movie questions I missed. But I've yet to be able to obtain the movie - so I can't even do them if I wanted.

It just frustrates me because I don't want this. I want to do well. I want to make myself happy, not regret the rest of my life.

I was also supposed to go to my mom's today too. But after what she said last week, about how I depend on *everyone* I don't know if I want to..
I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do. But with my dad home now I don't want to be here.

I want to change things... But how?

Continuing to destroy everything...

Continuing to destroy everything...

Welp.

Today has cost me an arm, a leg, and my sleep. Literally.
It's cost me freedom, but I don't care about that.
How did I go from having an amazing day, perfect starvation, to nothing? Failure?
I really need to fight harder.

I Want It Out

I want to destroy everything.

My life.

My relationships.

My love.

My belongings.

My future.

School.

I just want to destroy everything.

Destroy myself. 

Don't You Ever Say I Just Walked Away I Will Alway...

Don't You Ever Say I Just Walked Away I Will Always Want You...

Art Anyone?

I've got a lot of art that's been sent to me over the years. Some of it is amazing, and I wish I could keep it. But I have nothing to do with it or anywhere to put it.
I thought of getting rid of it, but that thought is painful. It's close to my heart... And I don't know what to do with it. I need to find someone who appreciates art... And is willing to take and care well for it. It sounds so stupid but I just can't throw it away. It's... No. I just can't.

Hah.

I needed that.
Thanks.

So... I lost another 1.2 lbs since this morning.
And I wasn't going to eat anymore since my run, but then dinner came around. I ate way more than I should have. But it wasn't technically a binge. I took a bunch of laxatives to counteract it and I'll go back to restricting tomorrow.
I'm not sure why my body is losing weight *now*, but I'm not complaining. I've gotta keep going.

Woo!

I got home from WT today like 5 minutes before my roommates got home. As I was leaving they pulled up and my roommate stopped me. She looked at me for a second and then said "Have you weighed yourself lately?" I told her that I hadn't although I do every day. She replied "You've lost weight recently." and it was everything I could do to keep a straight face. I just thanked her and continued on my way to the track for my run.

I was so stoked that she said that. It means that my weight loss is starting to show. I love this. I just have to keep going.

Hard Work Pays Off

At the beginning of September I had 6 lbs to lose to reach my goal. I got down to only having one pound to lose to meet my goal... And then I went to Amsterdam.
When I got back, I had gained about 5 lbs and kept gaining, until I was back to where I started. I was disgusting.

But I worked hard and I starved and I reached my goal. In fact, I'm .4 lbs below it - and working on my next goal.
I feel proud of that. I'm in control. Food DOES NOT control me.

School Always Stresses Me Out

Whenever I'm in school I can never seem to just breathe and not stress out.
I got as much work done last week as I could so that I could enjoy my weekend - and I only had my Research Proposal and an Essay to write. But today in school, when I realized that I hadn't done them, I got a panic attack.
I started freaking out and stressing. I always do this to myself.

I guess I need to figure out my priorities and place things accordingly.

Just Fuck Off!

In one of my earlier posts, I wrote about how much it bothers me that I rely on so many people. Well, my mom decided to point that out. How if I didn't have my dad and her and my friends, I would have nothing. Then she compared me to my brother because after he moved out, he basically couch hopped. He had to continuously borrow from other people. So she compared me to him and that's where I draw the line. I am not like he was then. I will NEVER be that kind of person.

I'm done with people. For at least a little while. I just need to be on my own. That's safe. Nobody can make me feel bad. Just me and a list of things to do. Calories to burn.

Little Miss NOT Independent

I don't even know how to write what's going through my head right now.
Maybe being a burden. Causing people trouble. Making them go out of their way for me.
It's such a simple statement usually, but it has such an impact on me. Like it's a hassle when anyone has to do something for me.
That's why I don't ask for many things. Or I try not to.
But it never fails that I need someone else. For a ride, for advice, for support, for anything.
I'm tried of feeling this way. I'm 17, and I'll be 18 in 5 months. I should be independent by now. I should be able to do things on my own.
But I can't do certain things on my own, and it destroys me inside.

Staying Strong

I've been taking some "caffeine" pills for about a week or so now. They're supposed to be fat burners, but they have about 200 mg of caffeine in them per capsule.
I like how they make me feel when I haven't eaten. I feel light and jittery. I shake a little, but I'll take that if it means losing weight.
I haven't weighed myself yet since I've started fasting, but I *have* to have lost weight. For my own piece of mind.
I'm not sure how things will be when I get home, because I've got a lot of stuff to do.
It seems like I can stay strong with fasting and restricting below 200 as long as I stay busy.
If I stop moving, I start eating. But the first two days are always the hardest. If I can fast successfully today, then tomorrow should be a lot easier.
I kind of want to weigh myself now, but I feel like the number wouldn't be accurate because it's not my scale. That doesn't make *any* sense at all, but nothing in my head seems to make any sense anymore.

In Control

For the first time ever, I feel like I'm actually doing things as they should be done. I actually feel like I'm worth something amid my destructive habits.
I don't know what the hell kind of logic that is, but I feel like I'm actually in control.
I wonder how long this will last. If it's even permanent or if it's just a temporary thing.
But I've got to stay in control. It feels good. I'm actually getting somewhere, and I never want to stop. That number *will* go down.

Just Breathe

Things are just... Up and down for me.
I'm finding it almost impossible to trust anyone really.
I'm finding it impossible to eat anything. No matter what it is.
I feel like there really isn't anyone to rely on right now. I feel like I'm alone.
My friends wedding is stressing me out. School. My dad getting home on Tuesday. Cimiron. Just a lot of things.
Round and round in my head. It never stops.
Cutting is my release. So is starving.
I've fasted easily all day, just because I've been around my friend. She's such motivation. But she wants me to stop cutting.
*I* don't want to stop cutting though. There's something freeing about making the pain inside real. Knowing it's there. There's something about the pain, physically that is calming.
How could I give up the one thing that's kept me sane? Even if it's self destructive and dangerous. I just... Can't.
But I'm done talking about it to people. Nobody really understands me. They don't understand why I do what I do.

I'm cold all the time now. I've been wearing at least two hoodies for the last 2 days. Even when it's like 70 degrees out. Aside from the fact that my arms are covered in cuts that I need to hide, I'm just rediculously cold. It never ends and no matter how much I move I can't seem to be warm. It burns good calories though.

I'm addicted to drinking Diet Dr. Pepper. It's no better for you than any other soda, but I can't stop drinking it. That and water are about the only things I can stand to drink anymore.
For the first time in my life, I'm embracing my ability to hide things. Or not really hide them, but I don't *make* them known. It's kind of nice.
But I can't stop thinking about my relationship with Cimiron and how this is going to affect it. I told him that I didn't have an ED, that I had stopped cutting. I thought I was, but I'm embracing it more than ever. I don't even know if "embracing" is the right word. But I'm not fighting it. I have a goal, and I'm going to reach it. No matter *what* it takes.

No.

I am so confused right now..
I want to trust him... But I don't want to trust.
I don't want to open up, for fear of being hurt again.
He can help me... But I do not believe that I am worthy of help. I don't believe that I want it, either.
I want to tell him everything, but I don't want to have it held over my head.
A large part of me does not want to trust him, does not like him, doesn't feel like I'm worth his time. But a small part of me wants to act on a whim and trust him. If no one else, him.
I can't seem to identiry the exact reason I feel that way, so I just shove it past. Once this year is over, I will no longer be tempted to trust him.
I will be free - on my own. Nothing and nobody can hurt me after that. I just need to stay strong and keep the prison gates inside of me locked.
I need to keep myself safe.

Hah.

I'm destroying myself - and I love it.

...

My days have pretty much been filled with work, work, work.
I mean, I make some free time, every now and then. But I can't really afford it. Two days ago I cried in front of F, then ran out of his office. I had to face him today, though breifly. Tomorrow I am supposed to spend some time with him filling out applications for college.
I'm scared. Like, rediculously scared. To just face him. I don't trust myself.

My eating has been really up and down, but I'm hoping to have lost when I weigh myself later.
I can't seem to keep any promises, and nothing I ever do seems to be enough.
But I'm trying.
Today is my last day of trying.

What's The Point?

Yesterday at WarrenTech wasn't as bad as I expected. I never finished the proposal, though I will tonight.
I cried in front of F yesterday, then ran out of his office. I also managed to give myself a 4x4inch bruise.
After that, I calmed down a bit, and then had to do a lot of running on a bus yesterday.
Last night I didn't manage to do any homework or anythingreally, which was a bummer. But I'll do it tonight.

I'm ready to throw the towel in. To give up. To say ENOUGH.
Nobody understands where I'm coming from. Nobody understands what this means. Or what goes on inside my head. Nobody understands.
But I've had enough. Enough of this war, or this pain, of everything.
I've had enough.

I'm freaking out. Today should not be a day where I'm allowed in school.
I think I'm going to throw up.

On a Monday Nonetheless

I'm scared to go to school.
I never thought I would have to worry about that, but I do now. I didn't write or even research my topic yet. I don't know why I didn't. Or actually, I do.
Fear.
I was scared that I wouldn't do it right, that my project would be shit, that I had other stuff I needed to do.
But I'm on the bus now.. And with every second that I get closer to school, I get sicker and sicker. Nauseous.
I'm shaking and I'm panicing and I don't know how to stop.
I might go talk to F about working during both of my school periods. But if he says no or that he wouldn't excuse me, I'm ditching. I need time!

I know..

Today was supposed to be a study day, a day where I catch up on my homework. But fuck!
One of my friends wanted to chill, and I want to chill. I've got to go home first anyways (girl issues) and then I was gonna come back and work on homework. But it looks like I only have until 12. It's 9:30am now. I can't do homework on the bus, too bumpy.
Shit! I will figure this out. Actually, I will be up laaaate tonight. Great start to a Monday!

I'm Content

For once in my life, I'm content with the way my life is. Sort of. I'm always striving for change, to get to a lower weight, to do better in school, striving for the future.
But I mean, I'm no longer rejecting where I'm at right now. My blog - well. I don't mind that it's private. I don't mind that nobody can read it. It's like my own personal diary, for just me. Where nobody can find it.
I know it's stupid, but I feel like it's accomplishing what I needed it to, so I'm happy.
Though what that means for Cimiron and I, I don't know..
I only how how much farther I have to go. I will get there.
Maybe I am already on my way. (:

Rambling..

I use people.
That's what I do. I manipulate and use the people around me. I'm selfish.
I just realized a few things. What I realized is along the lines of how I really depend on those around me. Without them, I wouldn't be anything. I would be nothing.

Not Enough Time

I feel like theres so much to do and no time to do it. Schoolwork, colleges, getting a job, money, day-to-day stuff. Like there's too much.
I don't even have time to keep up with Blogger, but I try. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. It's a little bit of an outlet for me. That's why I can't stop writing.
I'm so stressed though. That is all I know how to be, really. I don't know how to relax and not be worrying about something. I need time. More time.
But maybe this is what I needed.

I Ruin Everything

I saw my transcript today...
Not only am I missing credits, my GPA is absolute fucking shit.
Unweighted it's a 2.8 but weighted it's only a 3.1... That's barely even fucking a 3.0!! My Freshman year I had a 4.0. I'm so fucking stupid. And I'm livid.
I'm NEVER going to get into college with that GPA. I've let myself down. I am not even able to get it back up. I've ruined everything and I fucking hate myself.
I guess I have to go talk to F again on Monday and figure out how I am to catch up on my classes. But I am just so disappointed in myself..

An Update

I finally have nothing hanging over my head. At least for Forensics. I've still got English stuff to catch up on, but that will be done tonight, and then I have a Pre-Calc test on Friday. But on Friday, I only have an hours worth of classes... So it's like an early weekend! ^-^
I had a late start today at 8:30... But I don't mind. (; I'm feeling pretty good today. It's a leftover feeling from yesterday - From finishing an entire lab in 3 hours.
Outside of school... Things are okay I guess. Internally they suck, but externally they're not as bad.
S wants to break up with my dad because of something he did. While I understand what he did, it's just who he is. But I think she is giving up too easily. She has changed him. She IS changing him. Some habits are harder to break than others, but she is good for him.. And I think she doesn't see it.
If they break up, he's going to at least partially blame me for it. He is going to think that the fight we had about how I don't like S played a part in their break up.
He partially blames my brother and I for the failure of his second marriage. Because we were so difficult to deal with and made things hard for her. Which I don't understand, but I don't care much either. It just sucks.
As much as I have issues with my dad... I do want him to be happy. For whatever reason, S makes him happy.

Aside from that! Well, there isn't a lot going on in my life right now.
I'm questioning my choice in Forensics, mostly because of self doubt. I'm trying to figure out how to at least put my faith in that, if nothing else. She threatened to kick me out of her class if I missed even one more day. So I have to make it a point to try harder.
Yesterday I got a D on movie questions... Because there were so many and I missed a few. So as of right now, I'm failing her class. The 6 week grade cards go out next week... I'm scared. I have like 2 F's right now. Not good. :( But I'm trying.. So hopefully I can get them up really fast.. I guess we'll see.

Can The Heart Change?

I don't want to do Forensics anymore. I don't want to be a scientist, or anything like that.
I want to do something that helps people. Like... Psychology maybe. That was my other choice in career but everyone told me that was not a logical choice. That Psych was hard to make a major out of.

I can't tell anyone this because they paid for my class here. They paid for it and not me and therefore I can't just drop out. I can't just change my mind. I have to do this...

I went and talked to F about setting up a donation thing at my school for the NEDA walk in October. As soon as I stepped into his office I started shaking and I couldn't breathe and I freaked out. I've been denying it since last May.. The first time I walked into his office.
I feel connected to him in a way. From the first time I walked in there and started talking to him, and I asked support... He made me feel like he really heard me. Like he was listening, and that he just wanted to help. I'm still smarting over the fact that I feel betrayed based on last May, but nevertheless.
I think it's just that I want to be protected. He made me feel like he could help me and protect me from myself. I don't have any right to ask for help or protection.. Or trust. But I don't know where to go from here... So I'll just keep denying.

Let's try... Again.

Today is a new start. Fresh.
I can be pure. Empty.
I can accomplish anything.
So, no food or liquid (other than water) is allowed to pass my lips. I am strong.
I am in control.

Stop!

Just stop. I need everything to stop.
I've been missing too much school. Doing a few too many things I shouldn't.
Food is out of control. I am out of control. School is out of control.
Just stop!
Tomorrow, I am going to eat nothing. Drink nothing. I am going to prove to myself once and for all that I am not a waste of space.
I am going to fight for what I want, day by day. I am going to get it.
It is not too late to turn September around. It is not too late to reach my UGW.
If I stop the uncontrollable eating, then everything else will go right. It's all up to me.
I am going to take 2 half hour walks a day. At least. One in the morning before school and one after school. I will not fail myself again.
Fuck my roommates. Fuck being cautious. I am going to do this.
This is the last chance I am giving myself. It's this or.. Nothing. But I will prove my self worth. By food. I can and I WILL do this.
My goal for now is 4 lbs by the end of the week. So... Saturday. 4 lbs in 4 days? I can do it. I think.